How to Be a Great Lover (3 page)

Every seminar is an exchange of ideas. Much like a snowball lolling down a hill, the seminar information base grows with every good idea I hear. There has yet to be one in which I didn't learn something new, and I don't expect there ever will be. So, although I
lead
those seminars, the information I deliver has come from innumerable sources. I can't emphasize enough how much sharing of information goes on in the seminars, and as you read the book, you will hear, see, and feel how the women exchange their ideas, build their knowledge, and develop their confidence in becoming good, dare I say expert, lovers. You'll also hear directly from men: what they like and what turns them on most. I bet some of their responses will indeed surprise you.

The heart and premise of these very confidential seminars (no disrobing is permitted) was to create a safe, respectful place for women to exchange ideas on sexuality that they knew worked. And when women shared what they knew with others it in turn validated and expanded what they already knew. Chances are you will recognize some of these techniques as your own, or very similar to your own. Outstanding! If you find yourself already familiar with any of these techniques, that's great. Simply move on to the next or compare notes with how yours is done. Though I have led these seminars for over five years, I still hear something new in each and every one of them. How? By always staying open and ready to learn. The women who come to the seminars feel the same way. One woman, a Russian émigré, said, "This is my fourth seminar and I can't believe how much I can still learn. I came again for a refresher." At the beginning of the seminar, the ladies think I am the one who knows; by the end, they feel as if they are the ones who know.

How to Be a Great Lover
draws on the thousands of interviews I've conducted and scientific research I've reviewed over the past fifteen years, and is a compilation of what I have learned listening to the myriad women who have attended the seminars. The women come to share, listen, and learn, and it's in this spirit that the book is written. The
seminars continue to grow, with women learning about them from word of mouth (so fir, I have not done any direct marketing).

Secret from Lou's Archive

If, while using Midnite Fire, a drop starts down your wrist or the side of your hand, lick it off in front of him to show that you and your tongue are connected.

Regardless of your present experience or level of inhibition, there is something here for you. The book has a lot of fresh ideas about the sensual basics of romantic ambiance, kissing, intercourse, and safety. But the juice is found in the chapters on oral and manual stimulation. I've found this area to be where women seem to have the least amount of confidence in their sexual ability. If you've been less than secure in this area, you won't be much longer. Here you'll find easy-to-follow instructions on many hand and mouth techniques, the results of which (according to seminar participants nationwide) will blow his mind. For those who enjoy a little whimsy in the bedroom or who have been curious about sexual toys and how to use them, the final chapter of the book was created just for you. After reading, you may just find yourself the recipient of a brand new strand of pearls—that is, once he finds out how you intend to
use
them.

It is difficult to adequately capture with words the kind of power you feel from having the ability to put the person you love in total ecstasy. When I say power, I don't mean having power aver your lover (although men
have
been known to become slaves to Ode to Bryan). I'm talking about a kind of selfless power that comes from
knowing
that you know. Once you are assured of your knowledge, all aspects of your relationship with your husband, lover, or boyfriend will change significantly. As you become physically closer, you'll find the boundaries of your intimacy expanding on every level. There is no greater spiritual exchange between two people than that of lovers loving well.

If I can contribute to furthering this kind of joy in any way, then even on my worst day I've still got the best job in the world.

Chapter Two

Beyond the Bedroom

CREATING YOUR SENSUAL ENVIRONMENT

"When I walked into her bedroom, it was like walking into a fabulous pink boudoir—it was all pink and glowing and reminded me of her body."

MALE SEMINAR ATTENDEE, REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER, AGE 45

Bad Timing, J ilted F eelings

Has this ever happened to you?

You have decided to pull out all the stops and surprise him with an extravagant romantic dinner, intending to follow it up with a night of passionate lovemaking. You juggled your schedule, spent a small fortune on exotic fruits, pate, filet mignon, and a bottle of 1984 Cabernet Sauvignon. You have painstakingly seen to it that no detail has been overlooked.

He arrives home with a pile of work to do and tells you, as he heads into the kitchen, that all he wants for dinner is a sandwich. You are immediately enraged! You can't believe he's chosen to work after everything you've done to make the night special. He can't believe you'd go to so much trouble without checking with him first. What you really feel is rejected. What he really feels is guilty.

In this scenario, it is easier to complain about the time, money, and effort wasted on preparing a beautiful dinner, rather than talk about the rejection you feel because he seems disinterested in a night of romance. But that's where the real hurt lies. The dinner and all the little details involved were just the wrapping on the gift of intimacy. To have that go unaccepted is understandably hurtful.

Unexpected situations come up that curtail even the best of intentions. That's precisely why it's so important to head off disappointments at the pass whenever possible— especially when it comes to sex. But the truth is, there is no feeling that sticks with you longer than that of being truly surprised by something wonderful from the person you love.

In this particular case, all it would have taken to avoid hurt feelings was a phone call. Without giving away the surprise you could have just called and said, "Are we still on for dinner?" He then would have had the opportunity to tell you either he couldn't make it because he had to work, or that he only had time for a quick bite. Should he have called to inform you about the change in his workload? Sure. But he's only thinking about the crisis at hand. He's not anticipating a problem with you—he has no idea of your surprise. You're the one who has chosen to invest in the big romantic effort. In a case like this, I think it's just good time-management to protect your investment. Besides, had you known about it sooner, you could have devised a Plan B. His sandwich could have been ready when he walked through the door and you could have been, too. Knowing you understood his situation, he might have been grateful for a quick sexual stress-buster. On the other hand, if his change of schedule put you out of the mood, you would have an opportunity to make other plans.

When it comes to intimacy and the expression of physical love, there is nothing more exhilarating than complete and total freedom. But total sexual freedom cannot exist unless it's felt by both partners. Sometimes a person shuts down sexually because of temporary mood swings but usually it's caused by one of these bigger issues: performance anxiety, inexperience, moral boundaries, or body-image.

Secret from Lou's Archive

One of the easiest ways to turn him on is to not do what is expected. Don't go for the action spot first—make him wait! Be more like a new lover where he can't anticipate your moves.

Contrary to the very old and inaccurate myth, not all men are ready, willing, and able to have sex at the drop of a hat. Because we've been led to believe this nonsense, we often find ourselves disappointed. There are as many reasons for not being in the mood for sex as there are experiences in a day. It is a mistake to jump to the conclusion that the reason is relationship threatening. The worst thing any of us can do when our partners are out of synch with us sexually is to attempt to pressure them into it. In the first place, it rarely works and when it does, it often causes our partner to harbor resentment. Why would you even want to have to talk someone into making love? That would, after all, defeat the purpose. Obviously, if you find that you and your partner are frequently out of synch sexually, a discussion is warranted. Even then, the problem should be discussed away from the bedroom. Most of the time, however, giving a lover the space to not want sex and not have to feel guilty about it will allow for a much freer exchange the next time the opportunity to make love presents itself.

Of course, when the two of you do find yourselves in synch, a little romantic ambiance never hurt anything. And there are times when a subtle hint or two of sexuality have revealed that he's actually more in the mood than he thought he was. There are lots of ways to show him you're feeling amorous other than coming out with a blatant "Let's do it," although that isn't necessarily a bad idea, either. Quite often it takes nothing more than lowering the volume and slowing down the speed of your voice to convey a shift in your intention. You don't want to sound inauthentic, but you do want him to realize there's a change in your agenda. While making casual conversation, speak clearly and enunciate carefully. Whenever you speak with intention, you are more likely to get the attention of your audience.

Secret from Lou's Archive

Men are visual creatures, so consider asking him if he'd like to watch you. If yes, hand him pillows to help prop him up so he has a better view of what you're doing.

If, for some reason, you feel the need to have the suggestion be his, there are things you can do to help him suggest it sooner rather than later. Let us not forget, however, manipulation is a practice best left to chiropractors. There is no greater turn-off than to have someone repeatedly refuse your sexual invitations. These ideas are presented in the spirit of sensual communication, assuming that if he knew your intention, he'd find it appealing.

Regardless of what the truth may be, unless it's communicated openly, a refusal of intimacy is almost always interpreted by the other person as a lack of desire or waning

affection. Because sex is so very revealing both physically and emotionally, there is no escaping the attachment it has to the ego. To offer the most intimate part of yourself, thinking it will be warmly welcomed and exchanged, only to find out it couldn't be less welcome, is devastating. In contrast, to reach out sexually and be welcomed k a terrific thing. A couple of weeks after attending one of my seminars, a forty-five-year-old advertising executive from Chicago accompanied her husband to the wedding of his boss's son. As is typical at weddings, where most of us are at least semiconscious of what the bride and groom are up to after the reception, she and her husband were excited. They left the party walked down a few hallways, and found a hotel utility closet. Opening the door and pulling her husband inside, the woman pushed her husband against the door and reached for his fly. You can imagine the rest.

Days after the wedding, her husband couldn't stop referring to the "broom closet" episode, as he had dubbed it. The woman told me that it was the sheer spontaneity of the experience that had thrilled him the most.

The perfect romantic setting has its place. On those occasions, ifs fun to spend time fussing over an elegant meal, picking out something beautiful to wear, choosing the appropriate music, and generally producing a mood oozing with sensuous intention. But you must understand that sensuous intention can just as easily he created from corned beef sandwiches and Budweiser as II can from caviar and Cristal.

The point is that if you're waiting around for candlelight and moonbeams, you could wait yourself right out of the physical urgency that is so much a part of the experience. Mother Nature provided us with hormones for a reason. We are born as sexual beings. Our sexuality creates life and it creates love. It is our most powerful form of communication and is intended for us to use. It does not come with stipulations on how, when, and where to use it.