Holding On (25 page)

Autopsy
.

The world swirled in front of her
and bright pinpricks of light exploded in front of her eyes.

Luke pulled her
to him again and she let him. Choked sobs erupted from her chest. Her body felt empty, hollow, aching from the agony of having a piece of her heart and her soul torn away from her.

“Your mom is on her way over. And Carly should be here by this evening,” he said. She could tell he was trying to keep his voice steady.

“You called them already? They know?” she choked out.

“Yeah. We were looking for you. No one knew where you were. We did try your phone, just to tell you to come home, but you didn’t answer…” He trailed off.

“I was at the clinic. Waiting for Jake,” she explained. “The ultra sound was today. We couldn’t decide if we wanted to find out the sex or not. So we didn’t tell anyone about the appointment because we didn’t want any pressure. I…I had to have my phone off.
They won’t let you keep them on.” She knew she was rambling. She cut herself off as sobs overtook her again.

“God Quinn, I’m so, so sorry,” Luke said.

She’d been with Jake for two years. She’d loved him wholly and completely for two years. But Luke had known him and loved him his whole life. She didn’t want him to be apologizing to her.

“Everyone already knows?” she asked. She
managed to move away from him. She sat up, looked into his face. His pained, tortured face. She wanted to be angry about it, being the last to know, but she couldn’t summon the feelings.

He shook his head. “No. Not everyone know
s. Just my parents, your parents and Carly. I called your mom, hoping she would know where you went. She called Carly because she knew you’re going to need her and it’ll take several hours for her to get here. Mom and Dad,” he stopped to swallow what she imagined to be a painful lump in his throat, “they asked me to call them when I talked to you. So they…uh, so they can start making phone calls.”

She
nodded and the front door burst open.

“Quinnie?” Margo
called as she came slowly, painfully into the living room. “Oh baby,” she said as she collapsed on the floor near Quinn’s feet. “I’m so sorry.” Her arms swallowed her daughter in a hug.

Quinn felt Luke’s hand on her
shoulder as he rose from the couch. “I’m going to go call my mom.”

She nodded and her
sobs, which had been relatively silent until then, were silent no more.

*~*~*

“It’s just…it’s such a tragedy,” Margo sniffled. “She’s…she’s
expecting
you know.” She whispered this part loudly; as though it were a secret she needed to share. As if it weren’t entirely obvious with just one glance at the young woman nestled into the chair beside her.

“Yes, I know. Very, very sad,” Pastor Marshal agreed. He leaned over to pat her hand. Luke wondered if he was the only one who thought it seemed as though Pastor Marshal were simply humoring her. If she did not stop talking, he was about to fly out of the chair he was perched on in the small conference room. He was just about ready to pick Margo up and physically haul her
out
of the room.

He was seated directly across from Quinn. She was seated between her mother and his. A low coffee table was in the center of the circle of chairs. She was clutching a pile of tissues in one hand. Her head was down. She seemed to be looking over the page full of Bible verses Pastor Marshal had given to her. She was holding it in her shaking hands. Luke had a very strong hunch that she wasn’t really seeing the words in front of her.

He wasn’t even bothering to pretend to help. He was there because he felt he should be. But picking out the Bible verses was something he was willing to leave to his parents. And Quinn.

His dad was sitting on the other side of his mom. They, he thought, truly were trying to decide on what verses would be most fitting for his brother’s funeral. They had already decided on the hymns. Earlier in the day they had gone to the funeral home.
Nora and Quinn had already written up the obituary with both Luke and Tom looking it over, supposedly to approve it. It wasn’t as if either one of them would disapprove of it.

Luke had also gone along to the florist. He wasn’t entirely sure what had been picked out. Again, he’d gone along for moral support and becaus
e he felt it was his duty. He also felt as though he were completely useless.

It was all just a formality. A blur.

A blur of events that just continued to slam into them, like a tidal wave of misery that just wouldn’t end.

They’d picked out the casket. They’d picked out the design for the brochures that would be handed out at both the visitation and at the actual funeral. Quinn and
Nora had already determined what Jake would be wearing. That thought caused a rush of grief so intense to course through Luke that he had to grip the arms of the chair to remain upright.

What his brother would be wearing…in his casket…for the funeral. The thought left his insides feeling torn and mangled. He tried not to think about it but it was a futile attempt. There was no escaping it. There were reminders everywhere.

He couldn’t even get away from it when he closed his eyes. Somewhere nearby, someone was always sniffling. Or talking in hushed tones. Or he couldn’t get the look on Quinn’s face out of his head. The way her face had crumpled into such an immense, immediate look of agony. That memory had shredded and mangled his insides all over again.

The immediate past was a nightmare, the present was
, too. And the future…They would be going back to the funeral home later in the evening because his brother’s body…He couldn’t even finish the thought.

Past.

Present.

Future.

It was all agonizing.

Now, they were meeting with their pastor, determining what music would be played. What verses would be read. Who would be giving the readings. Pastor Marshal had given them a rundown of what to expect. Not, Luke thought, that any of them would really remember. They’d just float through. Waiting for it to be over. They’d also discussed what they would like to do for the luncheon and how many people they thought they would be expecting.

Luke was grateful they were being kept so busy. There was so much to do it helped to preoccupy the mind. Not nearly enough. But some.

He was worried about Quinn. After her initial break-down, she’d been holding herself together well. That was not to say that her grief was not clearly, painfull
y, etched across her face. She seemed to be holding herself together just a little
too
well. Margo and Carly had barely left her side. Luke wasn’t sure that was an entirely good thing. Carly, yes. Margo…his muscles clenched as she started in again.

“It’s just…” She stopped to blow her nose. Pastor Marshal nodded politely, even as he kept his worried eyes on the McGraths. “As a parent it’s just so
hard
. Knowing that my daughter is going to be without her husband. And their baby is going to be without its father. And Quinnie,” Luke noticed how Quinn cringed at the nickname her mother almost never used, “she’s never been on her own before. I don’t know how she’s ever going to survive this. It’s going to be, so, so incredibly hard for her.”

“
Mom
,” Quinn whispered but Margo didn’t notice. She was too deeply entrenched in her monologue. Quinn was staring at her with wide eyes. Her expression torn between grief and a mild sense of horror. Horror at the realization that her mother would manage to turn this day around and make it about herself.

“She’s just so young. It just breaks my heart to think about it,” Margo admitted with a sob. Finally, she had snapped up even the attention of
Nora and Tom, who did not seem to know what to say. “This is just going to be such a hard time for us. As a family…” She trailed off, looking completely bereft.

Tom and
Nora stared at her, their expression similar to Quinn’s.

Luke didn’t know what to say either. Quite frankly, he’d
like to tell her to shut the hell up. She seemed oblivious to the fact that she was only making things worse. Luke wasn’t exactly sure why she had even insisted on coming along. She had said it was to support Quinn. But that did not seem to be what she was doing.

“
It’s just so hard
,” she repeated again. She shook her head and blew her nose once more for emphasis.

“
Mom
!” Quinn whispered, louder this time. She wore a completely stricken look on her face. Nora reached over to pat her hand. Quinn swayed slightly. She looked pale. Too pale, Luke noticed. He got to his feet.

“Quinn, are you alright?” he asked as he knelt beside her.

“Of course she’s not alright!” Margo pointed out. “She just lost her husband.”

“I’m aware of that!” Luke snapped.

Margo jolted in her seat. For just a moment, Nora looked as though she may chastise her son. Then she decided she’d rather not. She wasn’t appreciating the way Margo was turning her son’s death into her own, personal tragedy. But now was not the time or the place to confront her. Nor did she have the energy for it. So she just let it go.

“Quinn,”
Nora said as she leaned toward her. “You know that we would never exclude you, right?”

“Yes,” Quinn whispered. Luke was still kneeling in front of her. He had an intense fear that she’d remained strong too long. He was afraid she was just about to crack and that she was simply going to
shatter.

Nora
tried to force a smile. “Then please don’t take this the wrong way when I say I think you should maybe go home. It’s been a long day. Tom and I can handle it from here. Unless you want to stay? I don’t want you to feel like we’re forcing you to leave. But…” She glanced at Quinn’s stomach.

“I think you should call it a day,” Luke agreed.

Quinn looked torn. “I don’t want to leave this all to you. It’s not easy for you, either.”

“No, it’s not,”
Nora agreed. “But we’re worried about you.”

“She’s right, Quinn.” Margo was quick to jump in. “You’re in such a fragile state.”

Luke wanted to argue. Quinn was anything but fragile. She was strong, even though she shouldn’t have to be.

“I don’t…I don’t know…” Quinn said.

“I have an idea,” Nora told her. It was clear that Quinn wanted to do something useful. She
needed
to do something useful. “I started sorting through some pictures at home. So that we can make a memory board to hang up.” Quinn nodded absentmindedly. “If you wouldn’t mind, maybe you and Luke could go home and start sorting through the pictures? Decide what you like and then maybe scan a few?” She cast a hopeful glance at Luke. He realized what she was trying to do.

“Yeah,” he said. “We can do that. I mean, we’re almost done here so there is no point in all of us staying. It would make more sense to…uh…split the tasks. Is that okay Quinn?”

She looked hesitant.

And beyond exhausted. I
f she hadn’t been so fatigued, she would’ve realized what they were trying to do. As it was, she just felt compelled to agree. “If you really think…”

“It really is alright, Quinn,” Tom softly urged. “We’ll finish up here and then meet you back at the house.”

She nodded slowly.

Margo
leaned over and snatched up her purse. “That does sound like a good idea.”

Quinn blinked at her and looked helplessly at Luke.

He put a firm hand on Margo’s shoulder. “Yes, and Quinn and I can handle it just fine.”

“But—” She started to protest but Luke cut her off.

“I really need to be alone right now,” Luke said. “I think working on the pictures sounds like a good idea.”

“But Quinn—”

“Is family,” Luke was quick to tell her. “I need her there.” He stood and then took Quinn’s hands, pulling her to her feet. The startled look on Margo’s face made it clear that she was trying to conjure an argument. The McGraths didn’t give her a chance.

“We’ll see you shortly,” Tom told them as Luke led Quinn to the door.

Luke vaguely heard Margo comment yet again about her daughter. He didn’t bother trying to figure out what she had said.

Once they were in the hallway, Quinn faltered, nearly stumbling. Luke grabbed a hold of her and she leaned into him.

“Sorry,” she said as they paused outside of the conference room door. The door, at least, had swung shut so they had a modicum of privacy. “I was lightheaded for just a second.”

“Quinn?” Luke began worriedly. “Do you think you should see a doctor?”

She shook her head. “I think maybe I just need to eat something.”

“When is the last time you ate?” Luke demanded. When she hesitated, he pushed for an answer. “Did you eat
today
?”

She hesitated yet again before finally shaking her head.

“Quinnie!” he said. His voice was full of exasperation as he slid his arm around her waist for support. He decided it was best to get moving again, in case anyone came along. “Did you eat
yesterday
?” He was answered with more hesitation as they made their way down the hallway to the double doors that led outside.