Holding On (26 page)

“I don’t think I did,” she finally admitted.

“You don’t think…?” His voice trailed off in exasperation. “You were with your mom all day yesterday! She didn’t make sure you got some food?”

“I wasn’t hungry,” Quinn quietly answered as he ushered her outside.

He led her to his truck. He was fuming mad. How could Margo be so worried? So worried that it was all she could talk about? And yet…yet she didn’t even make sure that Quinn’s basic needs were met? How hard was it to make sure that her daughter ate a meal? At least
once
during the day. How hard was that?!

“Whether or not you were hungry is irrelevant. You need to eat! You’re…you’re
pregnant
!” he finally said. “You can’t just stop eating. The baby needs food. Doesn’t it?”

She nodded guiltily. She was not sure if he was just trying to drive the point home, or if he was really asking. “Food was the last thing on my mind yesterday. And today.”

“What about Carly!?” he demanded. The more he thought about it, maybe it wasn’t really a surprise about Margo. But Carly, she usually took care of her sister.

“She brought me a sandwich,” Quinn admitted. “But then she left to talk with Jesse when he showed up. I don’t think she realized I didn’t eat it.”

“Well,” Luke said stubbornly, “you need to remember to eat.”

She glanced over her shoulder as Luke helped her into his truck. “I feel bad. Leaving my mom in there with your parents wasn’t the best idea. They don’t really need that right now.”

“Neither do you,” Luke pointedly told her.

She didn’t argue but she did cast another worried glance back at the church.

“I can guarantee you,” Luke told her as he made sure she buckled up, “that the moment my mom thinks we are safely out of the parking lot, she will send your mother away.”

“I’m sorry,” Quinn said. “It’s so obvious to everyone but her that she doesn’t belong here, trying to make decisions.”

“She just wants to help,” Luke pointed out. For a moment he wondered why he was defending her when the woman had been driving him crazy all day. But really, he knew why. He didn’t want to make Quinn feel any worse than she already did. “She loves you,” he pointed out.

Quinn sighed. “I know she does. But sometimes…it’s just so suffocating.”

19

“You have to eat,” Luke said
in a no-nonsense voice. “I’m not asking you. I’m telling you. So,” he began as he opened the obscenely stuffed refrigerator. “What would you like?”

Quinn carefully settled herself onto a bar stool.
It was the same one she always sat on. Her stomach stuck out just enough that she couldn’t lean forward on her elbows comfortably the way she normally would. Instead, she crossed her arms and rested them on the bar while she leaned forward.

Luke was standing with the fridge door open.
She frowned as she scanned the contents. Pan after pan, bowl after bowl were stacked inside.

Her lip began to quiver
and her eyes filled with tears. “I don’t really…I don’t want…”

Luke immediatel
y shut the door. He knew exactly what she was thinking. He was not going to make her say it. She didn’t want a single bite of the food that had been brought by well meaning people. The food that was just one more reminder, amongst the never ending reminders, that Jake was gone.

People meant well
, showing their love and their support, with their tator tot hot dishes, tuna casseroles and even the pot of split pea soup…But he’d rather just order a pizza than eat any of
that
food and be reminded of the reason it was there.

“I don’t want any of it, either,”
he said. He had closed the door so neither of them would have to look at it a second longer.

He didn’t want to waste time waiting for a pizza to arrive. Quinn needed to eat sooner rather than later. So, i
nstead, he pulled two bananas out of the fruit bowl, peanut butter out of the cupboard and bread out of the breadbox. He looked at Quinn and forced a smile.

She forced one back. The laugh, really a ghost of a laugh, that escaped her lips sounded heartbreaking and hollow.

“Are you serious?” she asked. She knew exactly what he was doing and it brought back pleasant memories of their childhood.

“You bet,” Luke said.

When they were younger—maybe twelve, thirteen, he couldn’t be sure—Quinn had taught him how to make grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches. It was still one of the very few things he was capable of cooking.

He slathered on the peanut butter. Added sliced bananas
and then closed the sandwiches up. He then added a light layer of butter to the outside. He sprinkled cinnamon and sugar on the top and bottom of each sandwich. A silence, as comfortable as a silence could be, under the circumstances, filled the kitchen while he worked.

“I can’t believe you still make those,” she finally said.
“I haven’t had one in years.”

“I make them a lot,” he admitted.
“When I’m really in the mood to show off my culinary talents, sometimes I drizzle them with chocolate syrup.”

Quinn wrinkled her nose at his confession.

“Hey now, none of that,” he teased. “You can’t make a face like that until you’ve tried it yourself.”

Quinn started to stand. “I should help with something. I can get drinks.”

“No,” Luke said as he stopped what he was doing. He guided her back to her stool. “You need to sit and relax.” She was clearly going to protest so he said, “Please, Quinn? Please just let me do this?” He’d felt so helpless. And even though it was nothing important, just a sandwich, he wanted to do something for her.

She
nodded as she sat back down. Silence filled the kitchen. Neither of them had the energy to speak. Neither of them had anything to say. He had to keep fighting the urge to ask her if she was okay. Because of course she wasn’t okay and it was a ridiculous question. Yet, worrying about Quinn was a distraction from what he was really feeling.

They were both emotionally and physically drained.

At least
, Quinn thought guiltily,
Luke got me away from my mother
. Margo was proving to be her own, unique brand of emotionally draining.

She watched Luke as h
e took out a large skillet and placed it on the stove. While he was waiting for it to heat he pulled out dinner plates for them. Next he poured milk for the both of them. All the while, he checked on the sandwiches. When they were done to a golden brown perfection, he placed one on a plate for Quinn, sprinkled it with powdered sugar, and slid it in front of her.

“Thank you,” she said. “Thank you for always, always taking care of me. I don’t know how I would’ve made it through the day without you.”

“I didn’t do anything,” Luke told her. He wished he could do something, anything to make her feel better. But it was just one of those times in life where nothing but time could do that.

“You’re here for me,” she said. “You’re going through hell. Jake was your brother. And you’re still doing what you always do. You’re taking care of me when you’re hurting
, too. So thank you.”

“Qu
innie, of course. This is going to be hard,” he scoffed at his word choice. “Actually, it’s going to be hell. It
is
hell. That’s no secret. But, we’ll get through it. We have to.”

He said the words as h
e pulled Quinn into a hug. He wasn’t sure he believed them. He was certain by the way she had begun to sob into his chest that she didn’t believe them either.

*~*~*

The funeral and everything it entailed—the never-ending stream of people, the visitation prior, the actual service, the luncheon, the burial…They were all a blur. The days following…were a blur. Quinn barely remembered anything other than emotional pain, tears and heartbreak.

And people murmuring sympathetically.
They pitied her, she knew. She hated every second of it. She just wanted it to all be over. Carly had never left her side, shielding her as much as she could. She knew Quinn hated the attention. Carly was sure it wasn’t good for her. It added even more stress. She had done her best to help Quinn in every way that she could. Like Luke, she felt so helpless.

F
inally, after the burial, Quinn had some privacy. But not as much as she would’ve liked.

She’d gone to her latest doctor’s appointment
, the day following the funeral, alone. She knew that her mom, Carly or even Nora would’ve gladly gone with her. But it didn’t feel right. So she’d gone alone. The doctor, well aware of the recent tragedy had gently scolded her. Somehow, someway, she needed to eat more and rest more.

Not an easy task.

If anything, she was intent on making herself busier. When she was busy, it helped her to keep her mind preoccupied with her task. And to not dwell on her misery. Not that she could stop the thoughts completely but she tried. She tried
desperately
. Her mom insisted on staying by her side. Quinn was about to lose her mind if she didn’t get her mom to leave soon. Her mother meant well, she always did. Her constant lamenting and sympathizing about Quinn’s loss was only making things worse.

She felt like she couldn’t have a good breakdown with her mother around. She hated to think it, but she knew her mom would somehow manage to turn it around. To make it known how hard it was on her to see her daughter upset.
Or she would just stare at her with that overwhelming look of pity on her face. And that, to Quinn, was almost worse than anything.

So finally, one week later, Quinn insisted that her mother go home. Margo had argued at first th
at Quinn needed her. But Luke and Carly had been there, by her side, supporting her. Margo was clearly outnumbered.

That
same afternoon Quinn had found a letter in the mailbox. It was clarifying that the life insurance check would be on the way.

No one should ever
get a check this big. Not due to a death,
Quinn thought.

While the amount of
the life insurance policy seemed obscene at first, the more she thought about it, the more aware she became that she would be using a chunk of it. She planned on paying off a year’s worth of mortgage. There was the bill from the funeral and in a few months, there would be a bill from the hospital. There would still be plenty left but she had finally decided to follow Jake’s wishes and take a year off to spend with their baby. She felt it was the very least she could do. Their little one was going to miss out on having a daddy. She knew that it wouldn’t exactly make up for it, but she had every intention of devoting the first year to their little jellybean.

Margo had insisted on staying through the evening
, until after dinner. So Quinn had tucked the envelope away without mentioning it. She didn’t want to discuss it with her mother or anyone else.

It was a tens
e and tear-filled goodbye. Tear-filled on Margo’s part at least. She was having a hard time peeling herself away from Quinn. Quinn was insistent on holding herself together while her mom was there. She knew if she lost it, her mom might not ever leave.

She desperately
needed
her to leave.

It was only moments after she watched her mother’s car drive away that the first tear started to fall. She wandered through the now-empty house. Her and Jake’s home. She finally let the absolute, gut-wrenching, heart-shattering reality grip her.

He was never coming back.

He would never hold her again.

He would never see their baby.

Their baby would grow up, never knowing
its father.

The misery tore through her and she cried until she thought she couldn’t cry anymore. Then she put her pajama
s on. She went to their bedroom. One they would no longer share and laid down on top of the covers. She tried to relax her mind. She tried to push the thoughts, the realizations away…but they flooded over her again.