Holding On (27 page)

Now that she was alone, she had no reason to try to reign in her grief. So she let it out yet again. She lost track o
f time, sobbing and remembering and hurting in a way that she never knew was possible.

She didn’t hear the front door open as Luke let himself in. She didn’t hear him as he hurried down the hall, worried by the sound of her sobbing.

“It’s just me,” he said as he edged onto the bed. Quinn felt his arms slip around her. “It’s about time you let yourself lose it.”

She didn’t try to respond. She didn’t need to. She just needed to
get it all out. She needed to try to release some of the pain. And Luke just let her. He didn’t make her feel guilty like her mom would have inadvertently done. He didn’t beg her to stop because it was heartbreaking to hear. He just let her do what she needed to do.

She
had not wanted her mom there. But she had dreaded being alone. She hadn’t slept alone since she couldn’t remember when. Having Luke there was a comfort. Just as it would’ve been if it would’ve been Carly. Because that’s how innocent he kept things. He was there for support. Nothing more than to offer a piece of the friendship they had shared for most of their lives.

“My mom’s right you know,” she finally said
. Her tears had finally subsided and she spoke in a barely there, shaky voice.

“I doubt that,” Luke told her. “But what is it that you think she’s right about?”

“I’ve never been on my own before. I either lived at home. Or in the dorm with a roommate. Or with Jake. I’ve
never
been on my own.”

“Quinn,
” he finally, quietly said, “you have to know you’re not alone. You have friends and more importantly you’ve got family. Mom and Dad, me, we’re all your family now, too.”

“I know. I
know
,” she admitted as she fought back another wave of tears. “But I’ve never
lived
on my own before. Mom thinks I should move back in with her and Dad.”

Luke was quiet for a few moments. Thinking that over before finally askin
g, “What do you want?”

She shook her head. She was still facing away from him. Her backside was pressed comfortably to his front. She stared at the wall when she spoke. In some, small way it made it easier. “I really don’t know.”

“Then don’t do anything right now. Just give it some time. I know you Quinn. And I know that you can handle this. Once the baby comes…you’ll figure things out.”

“I’ll have to, won’t I?”

“Yes,” he said as he placed a kiss on the back of her head. “I’m afraid you will. I just think though, that if you were to move back home, you might have a hard time leaving again.”

Quinn let out a bitter laugh. “I think that’s what my mom is counting on.”

“You don’t have to rely on your parents Quinn. I mean, if you really want to move back, I’m not going to say you shouldn’t. But I just don’t want you to feel pressured into it. You’re strong enough to take care of yourself,” Luke gently reminded her.

She was quiet for a while, thinking that over. Coming from Luke, someone who knew her so well…it meant a lot.

“I’m not saying you won’t ever need help,” he admitted. “If you do, you can count on us. Because you? And this little one? They mean everything to me and my family. Because you’re our family now.”

“Thank you,” Quinn whispered. “You always know what to say.” She was quiet for a few more moments. Then she took Luke’s hand. “He’s kicking. Do you want to feel?”

She wasn’t sure if he would want to…Or i
f it would be too awkward. He answered almost immediately.

“Yeah, I
do.”

She slid his hand down, so it was resting directly above the movement. Luke didn’t say anything for a few minutes. He just absorbed what he was feeling.

“Wow. That’s just…wow,” he finally said. A few more minutes passed and he continued to lie there in silence with Quinn, feeling the little one move around. Finally, he realized something. “Wait…Did you just say
he’s
kicking?”

“It’s a boy,” she whispered. She had just that afternoon managed to look at the folded slip of paper in her purse. “Jake was right all along. We’re going to have a little boy.”

In the morning, Luke was gone. It took her a while to realize he hadn’t gone far. He was sprawled out on the couch, feet hanging over the end, arm flung across his eyes. The too-small-for-him afghan spread across his chest.

Carly had had to go back to school but Luke had decided to stick around. He had decided to move back to Lanford. He wanted to be closer to his family, closer to Quinn and the baby. It didn’t feel right to be so far away under the circumstances.

So he’d go to work, go visit his parents for the evening and then at night, so she wouldn’t be alone, he’d go check on Quinn.

Over the next few weeks, that became their ritual. Knowing Luke would show up eventually made it easier to be there. Day after day, she knew that it was where she wanted to stay. As much as her mom didn’t like it, Quinn knew she wanted to stay in the home that she and Jake had made.

So she could relax, knowing Luke
would show up late to check on her. Most of the time, she’d already be sleeping. Her exhaustion was catching up to her. She’d find him on the couch in the morning. But sometimes, she’d be in the middle of a meltdown and he’d scoot across the bed and hold her until she was done. Until she fell asleep. Until she woke up in the morning and found him draped across her couch again.

The exception was a single morning. She awoke to find herself wrapped in Luke’s arms, nestled into his chest. His soft, even breaths floating across her ear. As much as she wanted to tell herself she shouldn’t, she cherished that morning. She had felt so safe, secure, loved. And most important, she hadn’t felt alone.

He apologized when he woke up because he said he hadn’t meant to sleep there. He had drifted off. After that, it didn’t happen again.

20

“I really don’t want to go anywhere,” Quinn told Carly yet again.

“Well, we
’re going to,” Carly insisted. She hadn’t been home for a few weeks but decided to come home for the weekend. “You need to get out of the house. It’s only over to the McGrath’s,” she said gently.

She was wondering if perhaps this was a terrible idea. Carly, Lily, Jemma and
Nora had all decided that they wanted to do something for Quinn. They wanted to do something that might cheer her up. Possibly make her feel better if only for a little while.

She took out her
sister’s sweater and handed it to her. Quinn was moving in slow motion, buttoning each button carefully. It was clear to Carly that she was trying to find an excuse to stay home. Carly kept a worried eye on her as she got ready. She was looking more and more pregnant every time Carly saw her, and yet somehow, she was becoming thinner and thinner. She sighed, not wanting to bring it up because she knew it would be pointless. She was worried all the same.

So she pressed on, hoping to bring her sister just a little bit of comfort and happiness.
“We’ll just go for a little drive. We’ll stop in to say hello to Nora and Tom. They told me they miss you and they’d really like to see you. Maybe on the way home we’ll stop for a banana split,” Carly suggested. She waited patiently as Quinn slipped her sandals on.

“I’m not really hungry,” Quinn said.

“Of course you’re not,” Carly said a little too brightly. “But that’s not really the point.”

When Quinn was as ready as she was going to get, Carly looped her arm through her sister
’s and led her outside. She opened Quinn’s door for her and tucked her into the passenger seat.

“Is Luke still staying with you?” Carly wondered as she drove.

Carly was the only person she had told. Though she had to assume his parents had figured it out. He had supposedly moved back home because he had nowhere else to go on such short notice. But he obviously hadn’t been staying there.

“Why are you asking?” Quinn demanded.

Carly took one look at her sister’s face. She returned the narrowed-eyed look with her own look of surprise. “Quinn, no. I’m not implying anything,” she said gently. “I was just wondering. I think it’s a good idea. I don’t like the thought of you out here all alone. Especially not now. I was just wondering. That’s all.”

Quinn felt herself relax. “Yes, he’s still staying. And yes, he still spends every night on the couch. He had a security system installed though. Because it’s not like he can just stay there and sleep on the couch forever.” She frowned slightly. It was a comfort to have him there. A comfort that she had gotten used to. She wasn’t sure how long he planned on continuing the arrangement. Sleeping on the couch was anything but comfortable for him. But he never complained. She
had offered to switch him places. To let him sleep in the bedroom insisting that she would fit better on the couch. He had been more than a little offended by the offer.

No way was he going to let a very pregnant Quinn give up her bed for him.

Carly nodded. She didn’t dare point out that if it were up to Luke, he just might not mind sleeping on the couch forever. He’d always been protective of Quinn. Now, more than ever, he needed to feel useful. Like he was doing something for her. Like everyone else, he just wanted to make things easier for her.

They had just turned onto the McGrath’s street
. Quinn instantly spotted the suspicious number of cars. An oddly high amount of them looked familiar.

“Carly…?” she asked
. A groan was evident in her tone. “What did you do? What’s going on?” Her eyes darted up and down the street. She felt her heart slam in her chest. She wasn’t ready for a crowd. A slightly sick feeling hit her.

Carly was immediately worried by the slight sound of panic in Quinn’s tone. She knew her sister wouldn’t be excited about the idea of a baby shower. She just hoped that she didn’t end up hating her for it.

When they had decided to have the shower, they knew they would have to make it a surprise. They knew if they were to ask, she would never agree. They kept the guest list small. Only her closest friends and a few aunts and cousins but Carly was suddenly feeling guilty for the sneakiness of it all. Despite the intent, they had gone behind Quinn’s back. And she did not look at all happy about it. In fact, Carly noted, she looked a bit pale.

“Don’t be mad, Quinnie,” Carly carefully requested. She explained to her what was going on as she parked the car.

Quinn sat silent, staring at the house.

“Look,” Carly finally said with a sigh. “
We kept the guest list as short as we could. All of these people, every single person that is here? They care about you. They are worried about you and they love you. They want to be able to do something for you. Can’t you please, please just let them? Everyone feels so useless and this…for the baby,
Jake’s
baby…it makes them feel like they’re doing something. You know? These people all cared about Jake, too. They need to see you. They need to do this for the baby.” She waited for Quinn to say something. When she didn’t, she added on, “
Please
.”

Quinn visibly braced herself. “Okay.”

They got out of the car and Nora met them at the door. She pulled Quinn into a hug. “I am so glad you’re here.”

“Quinn,” Margo said, clearly distressed. She was wringing her hands. Her voice was accusatory. “I told them—”

“Mom!” Carly snapped. “She’s here. It’s her baby shower. Do not ruin this for her.”

Margo took a surprised step back.
“But she already looks so—”

“
Mother
!” Carly cut her off again. She threw her hands up in the air but kept her voice low. “Can you just please leave the poor, sweet girl alone?” She moved toward her mom and gently pushed her toward the kitchen. Quinn couldn’t make out her words but she could tell by her sister’s tone that Margo was getting a lecture on her behavior.

“She looks just fine! Why do you
always
say that?” she finally heard Carly say.

Quinn only had a second to wonder how she looked. Surprised? Exhausted?
Overwhelmed? Too thin? All of the above? With her mother involved, it was hard to say what accusation was about to slip out. Luckily, she didn’t have time to dwell on it.

“Quinn!” Jill cried as she appeared beside her. She pulled her into a hug. It was a welcome distraction from her mother. “It’s so good to see you!”