Holding On (44 page)

I am leaving the bathroom, mascara
free now that I’ve wiped my raccoon eyes and I’m looking down
putting my Kleenex in my bag and I run smack into Greyson. Jesus
Christ he looks scary, angry, bitter… shit. I can’t move, not even
if I wanted too. I’m frozen. Cherry has told me he did this to her,
but I’ve no evidence so I’m not sure I even believe her.

“
Well Hello,
my Mace
. Look at you.”
God he says my name like it’s a dirty word. I’m fucking petrified
right now but I know I can’t show him that. I straighten my
shoulders and look him in the eye. I’m going to barter here, I’m
going to sell myself out in hopes he gets what he wants from me, a
genuine apology, and then maybe he will leave me the fuck
alone.

“
Greyson, Hi. I wanted to
apologize to you for the last time we saw each other. Maybe I over
reacted. I had just left from visiting my mom and you know the
condition she was in. I’m sorry.”

“
Fuck you, Mace. You left
me remember? You don’t want to be my friend now, stop acting as if
you do. Actually it is good running into you. I like seeing you
like this, so put together and confident. Won’t be long
though,
Princess
.
Not long at all. You will get everything you and that fucking
‘biker badass’ excuse for a human being has coming to you both.
Mark it, bitch.”

I swallow, choking a bit but holding
it back. Oh my god. He’s so angry, not just anger but he completely
loathes Hem and I. All because I left him? I didn’t know him at
all. Suddenly I’m wishing I hadn’t told Shame to leave Hem and I.
Everyone has cleared out and all that left is a few of the Parrish
members and some of my mom’s old friends. Shit. Thank God I don’t
have to think for long. In seconds Greyson walks past me, pushing
me roughly with his shoulders. I fall against the wall and take
inventory of myself. Damn, I’ve got to get to Hem.

*****

Hem and I are finally back at the
Club. I explained to him Greyson’s behavior when I ran into him and
Hem was pissed at me. AT ME! He thinks I should have stalled him
until Hem came looking for me. Seriously? I was so scared when he
approached me I couldn’t think straight, let alone try to get him
to stay close to me until the cavalry arrived. Hell, Hem was
whining when I left, who knows how long he would have taken. Either
way, I did what I felt was right and tried to soothe him and when
that didn’t work I was just glad to see him go! Hem can be mad,
stay mad, whatever. At least with Hem being pissed at me,
unnecessarily, he is over his emotional breakdown from the
funeral.

Everyone is already here and Shame and
Sadey and have done a beautiful job getting everything ready for
the night of celebration in honor of Mom. There are lights strung
throughout the Clubhouse and the room is dimly light right now.
Soft music echoes in the background and everyone is quiet and
courteous to Hem and I.

Sadey is in the kitchen finishing the
touches on the food and Shame is outside making sure that everyone
parks where they should and they don’t block the exits. We are
cautious today, anytime there is something going on out of the
norm, Hem wants to be sure that whoever has been causing us the
heartache keeps themselves in check.

Gunner is outside right now walking
the perimeter, armed of course. He has healed enough now from being
shot that he’s able to help when needed. Honor is holding onto
Kegs, she still isn’t doing well with the Cherry situation and she
has only gone to see her one time. I’m hoping sooner or later she
will snap out of this and realize how much Cherry needs her, even
if she has the rest of us. Ace is sitting in his bar stool,
attempting to pick up one of Kegs new friends.

Aside from burying my mom today, all
the crap that has been going on within the Club, and Cherry in
hospital, Hem is acting odd. Not odd as in stressed odd either.
This makes me think maybe he knows about the baby but hasn’t told
anyone he does. I don’t like it. He has been smirking at me since
we got here. Now that I think about it, other than the funeral my
brother has been in an exceptionally good mood the last couple
weeks.

It is time for the toast, once the
toast to Mom is complete and we’ve all had a drink in Mom’s honor
then the party will begin. Music will go from respectful to hard
core, the lights go from dim to party, and the attendees go from
courteous to loud and obnoxious. Although I’m really proud of the
boys tonight I’m looking forward to hearing some familiar tunes and
loud voices to begin.

Shame lets go of my hand and walks up
near the bar, to the front of the room. He has a shot in his hand
so I’m guessing Hem has asked him to do the honors tonight. I’m
relieved because I am unsure I could handle another speech by Hem
today. He about broke me during the eulogy and right now I really
do want to celebrate all that my mom was, without
sadness.

Shame rings the bar bell to get
everyone’s attention and the room goes quiet.

“
We all know why we are
here tonight, to celebrate a great lady as she passes into her next
life. I’ve decided I’m going to tell you all how I met Lynda Cash.
Not a lot of folks know where we started, God it has been over 20
years ago now. You all know that she was a magnet for boys in the
neighborhood, you’ve heard the stories.”

The room chuckles because Shame has
just insinuated my mom was a hot mom. Hem rolls his eyes but he
flushes anyway because we both knows it’s true.

“
I was only 11 years old
when I first met this angel. Her car was parked outside her house
and she was angry. She was fightin’ mad, kickin’ and screamin’ to
no one in particular. I mean, she was so pissed off that I am
telling you I heard the woman cuss so much she would give our Pres.
a run for his money. Hem had just locked her keys in her car. I
remember riding by on my bike and staring at her thinking to
myself… well, alright let’s be real, the woman was bottle blond,
built, and did not look like any other mother I knew in person or
on T.V. I was a rather shy kid believe it or not, but for whatever
reason I stopped and asked if she was okay. When she told me about
her keys, she asked if I knew anything about picking a lock. She
was shy about asking, but she could see that I wasn’t exactly the
most educated kid on the block.”

The room erupts in laughter because
everyone knows Shame was trouble his whole life and of course he
knew how to pick a lock by the time he was seven!

“
Anyway! It was also the
day I met my buddy, Hem. I had just moved to the area and while I
was talking to Lynda he comes storming out of the house, just as
pissed off as she was. I remember thinking to myself what a bully
he probably was. Hem wasn’t tall and he wasn’t thin and I’m sorry
buddy but I would be lying if I didn’t say you were just short and
fat. He hadn’t really started growing, he was just nine years old
then. I explained to his mom that I could open that door but she
would have to pay me, in food.”

The room got very quiet, only a few
people knew of Shames past and his abusive relationship he lived
through with his parents. Oftentimes, starved for food until he
allowed one or both of them to use him as a punching bag. They
always gave him a choice though, that’s the fuck of it. They
mentally abused him, telling him he would starve unless he agreed
to accept pain and allow them to relieve themselves of their
frustrations.

“
When I told Lynda this I
will never forget the look on her face. She looked so concerned and
then she looked almost as lost as I did. She reached up and touched
my cheek and asked me for my name. I told her my name was Neil and
she said ‘Yes Neil, I will pay you in food if you can do this for
me. I would appreciate that.’ I did not hesitate to grab the hangar
from her hand and in about 30 seconds I had that door open. Once
she took Hem and I inside, she made me a hot meal. I think it was
something like meatloaf or Salisbury steak but I remember watching
her serve me and looking at Hem at the same time. He adored her,
they were tight, and you could see that right away. I was so
envious of him. When I was finished I took my plate to her at the
sink and she told me that I was to be at her house every day at
5:30 p.m. sharp because I had done her such a huge favor that she
would forever be indebted to me.”

Sadey has tears coming down her face,
I’m trying not to lose contact with Shame because I’m scared to
look at Hem. I can hear him behind me holding Sadey to his front,
but he’s shuffling his feet and it sounds like he’s ready to
bolt.

“
I owe that woman hope.
She gave me hope that one day I would live as free as Hem did. I
came to see her every single day for about a year, I think.” He
looks to Hem for confirmation to continue. Hem nods.

“
My parents had then moved
us away and I didn’t see her until years later. In time I came
back, on my own, and I went right to see her and Hem. She looked
the same, aged a bit but we all do. Hem had grown up, just as I
had. There was a new little mess added to the family, who later
became one of my best friends and now she’s my
everything.”

I smiled at him as he
locked eyes with me again. “I came all the way here for a reason
though, I needed to tell Lynda thank you for giving me hope. I was
finally going to make my life what I wanted. I had broken away from
my parents and was looking to live on the street until I could
provide for myself. Doc hadn’t yet found me so I was alone. Lynda
was so happy to see me, she gave me a job working around the house,
exchanging my work for room and board. Sometimes things would break
and I was fairly certain she broke them so I would have something
to do. Even after my parents found me here and my world was dark
for that time and even after I found Doc and had a real place I
called home, Lynda never forgot about me. She was constantly
checking in on me, either stopping by the Club or calling Doc
himself making sure he was taking care of me, even bugging Hem
endlessly for me to come visit. She took me as her own and asked
nothing from me in return. My only regret is not being there
for
her
enough.
People suffer in silence and I learned that lesson from her as
well. I’m sorry Lynda, I’m sorry I didn’t know you more after I
grew up. I’m sorry I never told you thank you for giving me Mace
and Hem, my family. You were my
hope
and without that influence in
my life I’m unsure where I would have ended up. So thank you and
here’s to you, Lynda. Cheers”

The room follows suit and gives a
final ‘cheers’ to Mom and then scatter around and resume our
traditional party night itinerary. I’m starting to bring out all
the food from the kitchen, Sadey has done a kick ass job with
preparing to feed these hungry heifers. After I get everything out
and start sorting through it, she comes walking in and she looks
scared. Shit, what now?

“
Hey Sade, why you looking
so nervous? Are you and Hem okay? You need to give him some space
if he’s being grouchy honey, he hasn’t had a good day, and you know
that.”

“
No it’s not that. I’m
going to tell him tonight. I’ve decided. I mean, he’s been through
so much and nothing is settling down and well look at me! I’m
getting bigger by the day and he has to suspect something is up. I
stopped walking around naked and not just because he was on me all
the time thinking I was trying to seduce him, but I’m getting fat
already.” She puts her head on my shoulder in a dramatic statement.
I’m so relieved.

“
Sadey, you are about to
make that man so happy! When are you telling him? After the party
or like right now?” I’m ecstatic!

“
I’m going to keep him
from drinking himself crazy, although with all the other crap going
on he hasn’t drank much anyway. I’m going to tell him tonight when
we are alone. I’m scared though, Mace. I mean how I am going to
sell this to him if I have so many doubts myself. I’ve been arguing
this in my mind for weeks, ya know? I don’t want a baby. God, I’m
going to be a terrible mother. Can you imagine all the things I
probably picked up from my damaged parents? I’m just going to pass
that shit right on to an innocent child. This baby will hate me!
What do I know about crying babies? Sick babies? Hell Mace, what
the freak do I know about healthy babies? He’s going to leave me,
isn’t he?”

She starts to cry, so I grab her by
her shoulders and look her in the eye.

“
Do you remember when shit
went down around here? Who led us to the back, in order, creating
as little panic as possible among those girls? Honey that was you.
Remember my reaction to the same event? I froze. Sadey, you are a
natural mother. God knows how you do it, but everyone knows it. You
have forever been a mother. There are times I think you forget how
old I am, when you start to mother me. That baby will feel about
you just as everyone else feels about you. We love you, honey. Give
my brother a chance okay? The gift you are about to give him, he
will love you even more if it’s possible.”

Ace comes strutting through the
kitchen now and he looks even ornerier than usual. He and I talked
a bit at the funeral before he left and he said he’s in a better
place now. He loves Sadey, probably always will but he know he’s
not ever going to have her heart so he’s going to try to move
on.

“
Wenches, your men are
hungry. What gives? Why are you just all chatting and gossiping for
when we are waiting to eat? C’mon dammit, feed me. I’m a growin’
boy.”