Holding On (8 page)

I mingled for a few hours and spent some quality time with a few friends
that
I
knew
would
still
be
in
my
life
after
I
crossed
state
lines.
As
midnight
got
closer,
I
began
to
get
worried
about
Brad.
He
was
supposed
to
pick
up
Claire
and
meet
me
at
the
party.
She
was
not
excited
about their plans, and I wasn’t excited about her being present, but he knew
it meant a lot to me for him to come tonight.
Normally,
I wouldn’t
have thought
twice
about
not
celebrating
the
New
Year
with
him,
but
this
was different.

We
had only spent one New
Year’s
Eve together since
becoming friends.
It
was
eighth
grade,
and
our
parents
had
insisted
that
we
stay
in
because
of
a
huge
snow
storm
that
was
supposed
to
be
blowing
in. Brad
came
to
my
house,
and
we
were
going
to
hang
out
and
watch
the
ball
drop
with
a
few
other
friends.
Their
parents
had
decided
that they needed to stay home. It ended up being just the two of us,
eating junk food and acting crazy from too much sugar and caffeine.
We
both passed out before midnight.
It’s
one of my favorite memories of
us.

We
all counted down at midnight, and shortly after, people
started
to leave with their designated drivers. I found my purse and pulled
out my
phone
to
send
Brad
a
nasty
text
since
he
never
showed
up.
To
my surprise, I found a text from him waiting for me. When he didn’t
show up
to
the
party,
my
only
thought
was
that
Claire
had
kept
him
away
somehow.
He should have been here. He should have at least come
to say good-bye to me. I was about to explode with anger when I
opened his text.

Crap!
How
is
it
that
I
can
forgive
him
in
an
instant?
I
should
be
mad at
him
for
bailing
on
our
last
night
to
be
able
to
hang
out
together,
and
I can’t.
Damn
him!
Now
I
had
to
see
him
in
the
morning,
and
I
was
going to
cry,
and
then
I
was
going
to
have
to
drive.
Well,
that
was
not
going
to work for me. I needed to be up and gone
early,
and crying was not
part of the
plan.

I waited until I heard my phone ting and stood shocked to see
his
reply.
I
grabbed
my
purse,
gave
Emma
and
Ella
a
hug,
along
with
about ten
other
people,
and
bolted
out
the
door.
I
drove
as
fast
as
possible without
breaking
too
many
laws,
and
as
I
pulled
into
my
apartment complex, my heart dropped into my stomach. He really was here.

Stepping inside the crappy apartment was like stepping into a
fairy tale. Sparkly white Christmas lights hung from the ceiling (they
were
not
there
when
I
left
earlier),
soft
music
was
playing
in
the
background, and the TV was still on one of the countdown shows. Brad stood in
the center
of
the
room,
wearing
a
white
t-shirt
that
hugged
his
beautiful upper
body
in
all
the
right
places
and
jeans
that
sat
just
perfectly
low enough on his hips that I knew the top of his boxers would be visible
if he lifted up his shirt.
Wow!
He truly was gorgeous, and he was
waiting
for
me.

“Hey,”
he said in such a low voice that I wondered for a
moment why
he
was
whispering.
I
knew
my
mom
was
home,
but
I
was
sure
that she was not asleep since Brad was still here. Leaving or not, no
matter how
much
she
trusted
us
together,
she
would
never
allow
this
to
happen. Me alone with a boy was equal to me grounded for
life.

“Happy
New
Year!”
I
replied
for
lack
of
anything
else
to
say.
I think
I
was
still
in
a
state
of
shock
over
finding
him
here.
My
eyes
were glued
to
his,
and
I
couldn’t
tear
them
away.
As
I
stared
at
him,
I
realized that I had wasted the past five years wanting this—his arms around
me tightly, his clean scent overwhelming me. His friendship was the
most important
thing
in
my
life,
and
I
never
wanted
to
lose
that,
but
this was
even
better.
I
had
pushed
the
dreams
that
our
relationship
would
move
in
this
direction
out
of
my
mind
over
and
over
again,
and
it
had
to happen
now.
Why
now?
Why
did
he
have
to
show
me
how
he
felt
when
things were so screwed up? It was completely unfair to both of
us.

I
was
still
in
shock
when
he
crossed
the
room
and
took
my
hand.
As
if reading my mind, he pulled me forward into a hug, and I let
myself melt into him, inhaling all that was Brad. I was not going to be able
to live
without
his
warmth.
Do
not
cry!
Do
not
cry!
I
kept
repeating
this
to myself until he released me from our hug and pulled me to the couch.
I sat
wrapped
up
in
his
arms,
trying
to
find
something
to
say.
Nothing
was going to make this easier, and nothing was going to change
it.

As
if
he
sensed
what
I
was
thinking,
he
laid
us
down
and
pulled a blanket over us. I snuggled into him and tried to get my emotions
in check. After a few deep breaths, I look up to find him watching me.
I couldn’t
help
but
look
into
his
beautiful
eyes,
such
a
rich
brown
with
just
a
dusting
of
gold
around
his
irises.
He
was
waiting
for
me
to
fall apart,
and
so
was
I.
Without
another
word
from
either
of
us,
we
cuddled up together, and he held me until sleep encompassed
me.

When I awoke, I immediately felt alone. Brad was no
longer cuddled
up
with
me
but
was
at
the
end
of
the
couch,
watching
me
sleep.
He was holding a small box and an envelope in his massive hands.
He looked completely deflated. He must have slept even less than I did
by the shadows under his eyes and the fact that there were two
steaming
cups
of
coffee
sitting
next
to
him.
He
had
obviously
been
up
for
a
while if he had gone out for
coffee.

I sat up and stretched, never taking my eyes off of his. He moved
a little
close
and
pulled
me
in
for
a
hug.
As
he
pulled
away,
he
set
the
box in
my
lap
and
pulled
my
hand
to
his
chest,
right
over
his
heart.
He
kissed me lightly and rested his forehead against mine.
We
stayed like that
for a minute before he broke the
silence.

“Remember
what
I
said”—he
patted
my
hand
that
was
over
his heart—“Always
here.”

With
that, he kissed me once more, and it felt final. I felt the
good- bye
in
his
touch.
By
the
time,
I
opened
my
eyes
he
was
gone.
I
suddenly
felt
completely
and
utterly
alone
for
the
first
time
in
my
life.
That’s
when every emotion I had been bottling up the past three weeks
came crashing down, and I sobbed like a
child.

The
drive
took
less
time
than
I
thought
it
would,
and
we
arrived
in Tucson
four
days
later.
I
was
exhausted
by
the
time
we
got
there, and after unpacking the U-Haul, I felt every ounce of adrenaline
drain from
my
body.
I
grabbed
a
blanket
and
snuggled
up
on
my
bare
mattress, but the sleep I so desperately wanted and needed seemed to elude me.
I couldn’t
turn
my
brain
off.
The
only
thing
I
could
think
about
was
Brad.

I could still feel his kiss. I could still smell his cologne mixed
with his
soap
and
all
that
made
him
smell
so
amazing.
I
could
still
picture
the defeated look in his eyes when I woke up to find him sitting at the
end of
the
couch.
I
couldn’t
get
him
out
of
my
head.
Every
time
I
closed
my eyes, he was there—I could see him clear as
day.
Every time I
opened my
eyes,
I
could
smell
him
and
feel
his
touch.
Every
time
I
tried
to block it out, all I could feel was the pain. The pain was more real
than anything.