Hold On (32 page)

I’m not ready to go down that path so I change the subject again and we spend the
next half hour talking about my work and other neutral topics. I finish my cider and
notice Luke barely touched his second beer. He offers to pay the bill, and insists
it’s his turn. I make a quick pit stop in the bathroom before we head back to my house.
The ride there is pretty quiet. I’m a little buzzed at this point. The three drinks
and lack of food have hit me hard. Luke notices and asks if I’m okay.

“I’m good. Buzzed, but good. It actually feels great to not be thinking about all
my problems. I needed this. I’m glad you called.”

Luke smiles at me as we pull into my driveway. The silence is a bit awkward as we
both think about what to do or say next. Things are more normal than they have been
but there’s definitely tension in the air between us. I try and break it.

“It’s Sunday night and True Blood is on in an hour. Do you want to come in and watch
with me? It hasn’t been the same since I stopped watching it with you.”

“Are you sure you want me to come in? I’m happy we’re talking but I don’t know that
things can just go back to how they were before.”

Okay, that was a fail.

“Then don’t come in. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you to, but whatever.”

I start to get out of the car and he grabs my arm. His hand is warm and soft against
my skin.

“You’re buzzed, and I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I don’t want to go. I’m
thinking about you.”

I turn and look at him. “I want to watch True Blood with you. It’s not a big deal.
Come in or go, it’s your choice.”

I get out of the car and hear his door open on the other side. We walk silently into
the house and find an empty living room. I didn’t see Shannon’s car and assume she’s
at Cory’s. Marissa’s light was out so I assume she’s asleep. She’s been getting up
really early and running before she goes into work. I keep saying I’ll go with her
but I haven’t had the energy to run lately.

“Do you want something to drink?”

I walk into the kitchen to get myself some water. I also grab a few crackers and a
piece of cheese. I barely ate my hamburger and I do need to eat something.

Luke asks for some water, so I grab two bottles and head back to the living room.
I tell him I’m going to change and throw him the remote. I put on a pair of black
yoga pants and the same pink t-shirt I was wearing earlier and go back to the living
room. I sit on the couch next to him but keep a good amount of space between us. In
the old days I’d be leaning on him, or lying in his lap. I wonder to myself if he’s
thinking about that too. The episode from last week is on and we watch the last half
hour and talk about what’s been going on with the show this season.

We stop talking as the new episode comes on and watch in silence. I’m not sure which
one of us moved first but the space between keeps getting smaller as the time passes.
Pretty soon we’re right next to each other and Luke’s leg is touching mine. I lean
my head over and put it gently on his shoulder. I feel him stiffen and sit straight
back up. I move away quickly and create more space between us. He sees the distressed
look on my face and reaches over. He grabs my hand and squeezes it.

“It’s okay. Sorry about that.”

“No, I’m sorry. You’re worried about me being uncomfortable but it’s really the other
way around. You’re uncomfortable, and I made it worse.”

“I feel too comfortable around you. That’s the problem. It feels right and it really
isn’t.”

I sit there and think about what he’s saying. I try and process how I’m feeling. Besides
buzzed, that is. I think about Julian and how I feel about him and about Luke and
how I feel about him. As the show plays I acknowledge the reality that there isn’t
enough room in my world for both of these men, even though my heart feels the absence
of either in such a profound way. I know Luke can’t replace Julian and I know I don’t
love him like I love Julian. I don’t think I will ever love someone like I love Julian.
But at the same time, being with Julian never really erased my feelings for Luke.
As I ponder this I feel the sadness that has been enveloping me since Julian and I
broke up creep back in. I want it to stop so badly. I’m so tired of feeling devastated.

I get lost in my mind for a bit and when I snap out of it I notice Luke staring at
me. I can’t read his expression but I know what I want it to mean. I want something
to make this darkness disappear and Luke can do that. It’s so wrong and I know it
but I’m sinking and I’m desperate and he feels like a lifeline. Before I change my
mind, I lean over, put my hands on his face and place my lips softly on his. A mix
of emotions flash in his eyes as my lips touch his: confusion, desire, love, and fear
meet my gaze. I should stop before I do any real damage, but he responds to my kiss
by pulling me onto his lap and kissing me with the same intensity of our last kiss;
the one that happened when he declared his love for me.

A wave of emotion crashes through me as his soft, warm tongue touches mine and finds
its way into my mouth. Luke is a great kisser and physically my body is coming alive
as he deepens the kiss and holds me tightly to his chest. I push away the feelings
of wrongness that are gripping me and trying to pull me back to reality. If he wants
this and I want this, then it isn’t wrong, right? He seemingly reads my mind and pulls
away for a minute.

“I’m not sure I’m going to be able to stop, so if you aren’t sure you want this to
go further, you need to pull away now.” His voice cracks over the words and I see
the indecision in his eyes. He needs me to show him I want this too. Despite that
I know I’m consciously making an extremely bad decision, I don’t want to stop. I don’t
want to hurt and feel empty anymore. I want to feel special again. I want to be the
only one and in this moment, to Luke, I am.

I stand up, grab his hand and lead him to my bedroom. I think about the last time
we were in this position, over seven years ago, and I think about the condoms I have
in my dresser drawer from when Julian and I first started sleeping together. Julian.
My heart starts to race as I push away the thoughts of the man I was supposed to spend
the rest of my life with. He has a new life now and there’s no going back.

I shut the door behind Luke as he walks in the room and turn the light off as well.
The moon is shining through the window and my room is softly illuminated. It’s oddly
romantic. Luke takes me in his arms and holds me close to him. I can feel his heart
pounding against his chest. He looks down at me with that same look of indecision
in his eyes.

“I’m a total bastard for letting this go so far, and I know it. But I can’t help myself.
I’ve wanted you for seven years and even if this isn’t what you really want, even
if I’m not who you really want, I can’t walk away from you again.”

My heart breaks with his words. He knows how I feel about Julian and he doesn’t care.
But he isn’t the bad one here. I am. I know he won’t be okay with this after it’s
done. Things will change between us once again and it won’t be in a positive way.
I’m not ready to be with him past tonight. I owe him that truth at least. I look up
at him and give him a way out.

“I have no idea what will happen if we do this. It might break our hearts even more
than they’ve already been broken. I can’t promise you anything other than my word
that you’re not taking advantage of me and that I want this to happen. I care about
you deeply. I always have, but I’m broken, Luke, and I don’t have anything to give
you.”

My words trail off into the darkness as Luke’s lips find mine. I reach up and wrap
my arms around his neck and pull him tightly to me. As I close my eyes and feel the
silkiness of his tongue against mine, I can’t help but think of Julian for a moment.
I take a deep breath and force all thoughts of Julian out of my mind. Luke’s hands,
not Julian’s, are pulling my shirt over my head and slipping my bra off of my shoulders.
It’s Luke’s voice, not Julian’s, whispering how beautiful I am in my ear. It’s Luke’s
strong, muscular body, not Julian’s, that’s lying next to me and melting the icy sadness
that’s been gripping my heart.

I keep my eyes open and on Luke so I don’t forget who is here with me, which man is
bringing my body to life with his soft, reverent touch and passionate kisses. I think
briefly about all the girls Luke has been with. I suspected he’d be a good lover and
I’ve always known there was physical chemistry between us, but I’m taken aback by
the gentleness he’s showing me. If there was ever a doubt in my mind that this man
really loved me, it’s gone now. I can feel it in every single touch and with every
single word he utters. He’s making my body feel incredible and at the same time my
heart is breaking.

I whisper in the darkness and blink back the tears that are threatening to spill from
my eyes.

“I don’t want to hurt you. This is wrong. I can’t give you what you want.”

“I want you. I want to make love to you. I need to make love to you. I know this might
be a onetime deal but right now I don’t care. Let me love you tonight, Lexie. Please.”

And with those words I let go because I need it too. I give myself to Luke in every
way I’m able to. I reach up and pull his shirt over his head so I can feel his naked
torso against mine. When his chest makes contact with my breasts he moans and it lights
a fire in me. He pulls back and begins to caress my breasts. As his fingertips brush
delicately over my nipples, I shudder involuntarily. I reach down at the same time
as Luke and we both work on removing the rest of each other’s clothes. In minutes
we’re both completely naked and pressed up against each other and I feel Luke’s erection
against my stomach. I whisper in his ear I have condoms in the drawer next to the
bed and a smile breaks out across his face. He looks beautiful in the moonlight.

He reaches into the drawer for a condom and I’m taken back to the moment, seven years
ago, when the absence of one changed the trajectory of our relationship. I wonder
if we would’ve had a condom, or if we would’ve had sex regardless, would we still
be together today. I play the “what if” game in my head. What if we would’ve stayed
together and I never hooked up with Brady. I wouldn’t have been raped or emotionally
wrecked by that relationship. I wouldn’t have met Julian either, or loved Julian.
I wouldn’t have been destroyed again and left broken-hearted. If I would’ve slept
with Luke all those years ago my life would’ve been totally different. This is what
I think. This is how I justify what I’m about to do. This is how I make myself feel
it’s okay to make love to a man who loves me, but who isn’t the man who owns my heart.
I tell myself it should’ve been Luke all along. Luke doesn’t know my body like Julian
does, but his skilled touch and desire to please me, make me forget that everything
about this night is wrong.

“You’re so beautiful. I’ve dreamed about being with you like this for so long.”

Luke repeats the words and does what he’s saying as he makes his way down my body.

“I’ve dreamed about kissing your neck and running my tongue across your collarbone.
I’ve dreamed about sucking on your nipples and holding your breasts in my hands. I’ve
dreamed about kissing every inch of your body from your forehead to your toes. I’ve
dreamed of licking you until you came apart in my mouth.”

As Luke enacts his dreams I can’t do much but moan softly and move into his touch.
It feels so good. I let myself get swept up in the feeling of Luke’s silky tongue
in my mouth, on my breasts, and between my legs. As I climax from the perfect pressure
he’s putting on my clit, I remember all the times I sat at the bar at Bullwinkle’s
and thought about having sex with him. And when I turn the tables, take him in my
mouth and make him moan with ecstasy, I think about how I wanted to do this to him
that night at the frat party. There was a time when having sex with Luke Miller was
a dream of mine too and tonight I’m going to fulfill every fantasy I’ve ever had about
him over the years. I’m going to do everything I can to stay in this moment and stay
connected to the man who’s in my bed; the man who told me he wanted to be my happily
ever after.

As Luke positions himself above me and rolls the condom on, I see the questions that
are still lingering in his mind. We’re about to cross a line we can’t uncross. Up
until this moment the only thing we haven’t done together is have sex. Over the last
seven years Luke and I have laughed together, cried together, and helped each other
through some very hard times. We’ve travelled together, spent holidays together, and
he’s taken care of me when I was sick. We’ve watched each other share our hearts and
lives with others, me more than him, and he truly has seen me at my very best and
my very worst. The magnitude of all we’ve shared and meant to each other has never
been more obvious as it is to me, right now, as I’m about to make a decision that
could really change our lives forever.

I nod my head slowly. “I want you, Luke.”

A shy smile crosses his face. It’s what he needed to hear. He bends over and places
a sweet kiss on my swollen lips. Then Luke guides himself into me and begins to thrust
in a steady, yet controlled rhythm. He continues to look at me as if he’s waiting
for me to change my mind. I won’t. I want this too. But, I want more. I’m longing
for the feeling of oneness I felt with Julian. In my attempts to silence my thoughts,
I reach around, grab his ass and pull him closer. He couldn’t be any deeper inside
of me and the feeling of his naked, hot, trembling body pressed against mine extinguishes
an ache I’ve been unable to soothe. In this moment, Luke being inside of me feels
right.

“I said I want you and I mean it.”

My gesture and my words spur him on and I instantly see a different Luke emerge. The
controlled, hesitant lover that’s been by my side for the last hour is gone. He’s
been replaced by a man who has made the decision to let go. The man inside me is desperate
to connect with me on every level imaginable to fill the emptiness inside of him.
I recognize it because I’m so familiar with the feelings. I let Luke take control
and let him take what he needs from me in the hopes I’ll get what I need in return.
Although this is the first time we’ve been together like this, we’re innately able
to find a familiar and in-sync rhythm. It’s as if my body knows it can trust Luke’s.
Our eyes remain locked and Julian is banished from my thoughts as I give myself to
Luke.