Hold On (36 page)

He sounds just like Luke except he’s speaking in Spanish. “Necesitas comer Alexa.
Dios Mio, estas muy flaca.”

“I do eat. I was eating when you interrupted our lunch.” The voice that comes out
of me is icy and very bitchy. I’m really not interested in hearing another lecture
on how much I weigh. Some people eat when they’re depressed, some don’t. I don’t.
It’s not intentional and I’m sure my appetite will come back someday soon and I’ll
be worrying about everything I put in my mouth. I look at Danny. Actually I glare
at Danny. I wonder if this was a set-up. He’s shaking his head no in answer to my
unspoken question. He’s standing behind Julian and mouths the words, “I’m sorry.”

Julian looks shocked by my tone and responds in kind.

“Sorry to interrupt then. I was walking by and saw you two. I didn’t think it would
be a big deal to say hi. Guess I was wrong.”

“You’re free to do whatever you want, everything that is except comment on my life.
It’s not your concern anymore. I’m not your concern anymore.” I try to sound curt,
but I fail and sound wounded instead. Damn it.

Julian shakes his head at me and starts to say something. He pauses for a minute and
then speaks in a very businesslike, professional manner.

“I’ll always care about you. You know that. I won’t ever pretend like I don’t, so
don’t ask me to. I didn’t mean to upset you, and I’m sorry I have. It was great to
see you, Alexa. Take care of yourself.”

And with that Julian spins on his heel and turns to walk out the door. Danny follows
him outside and I see them having a heated discussion before Julian walks away. I
give cash and the check to the waitress who was watching this scene unfold. When Danny
comes back he looks remorseful.

“I swear to God that wasn’t planned. I’m so sorry. I’d never do that to you.”

He really looks sorry. “I believe you. But that’s why I don’t want to talk about anything
personal. I can’t handle it yet, Danny.”

He takes a drink of his water. “Julian is so mad at me right now.”

“Why would he be mad at you? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Maybe mad is the wrong word. He’s envious I can sit and have lunch with you and be
part of your life.” He smiles sheepishly. “At least a little bit anyway. He thinks
he’s mad though. You didn’t go very easy on him. It’s awful to see you two speak to
each other like that.”

“I’m not interested in hearing anything about my weight or my eating habits. He’s
not my mother or my doctor. It pissed me off.”

Danny shrugs his shoulders and cocks his head to the side. “He’s right though. You
are too skinny. It’s obvious you’ve lost a lot of weight and he probably feels responsible.
He cares. You get that, right?”

“Yes, I get it. But it doesn’t make me feel any better to know he’s upset. I can barely
handle all of my own feelings.”

“Okay, okay. I’m done harassing you. Let me get the check and we can go.”

“I already took care of it.”

He shakes his head at me, showing his disapproval. Julian never let me pay for anything
and I’m sure Danny is the same way. “Fine but the next lunch is on me.”

I want to tell him there isn’t going to be a next lunch but I refrain from saying
anything. I just smile and nod. Danny walks me back to The Promenade. I promise to
keep him informed about what’s going on with his client. The hug he gives me before
he walks away is warm and sincere. It makes me feel better for as long as it lasts.
As he pulls away, the dark starts to creep back in.

The rest of the afternoon passes quickly. I spend my time preparing the contract for
tomorrow and planning what I’m going to show Danny’s client, or my new client, on
Friday. Serena stays away from me and I’m glad. Lauren stops by my office to see how
my lunch was and I tell her about Julian.

“Ouch. I’m sorry. Are you sure Danny didn’t plan it?”

“I don’t think so. He seemed upset by the whole thing. It was really awkward.”

She stares at me for a minute and I can see the wheels turning in her head. “Let’s
go have some drinks at Callahan’s. It’s close to home.”

I’m uncomfortable at the mention of Callahan’s. I didn’t tell her about Luke so it’s
hard to explain why I don’t want to go there. I guess I have to add that place to
the list of places I don’t want to go because of painful memories. I feel like every
time I turn around I run the chance of being somewhere or seeing something that makes
me sad. I may need to move out of the area if this keeps happening.

“Can I have a rain check? I slept like shit last night and this day kind of kicked
my ass. I really just need to go home and go to bed.” I don’t mention there’s a time
limit on my ability to fake being okay and that I’ve almost reached it.

She looks disappointed but she agrees. “Okay, but we’re going out on Saturday night.
You haven’t been out in weeks and it’s time. We can go somewhere that’s not around
here.”

I appreciate Lauren’s attempt to cheer me up. The truth is though, I could go north,
south, east, or west and I’ll still end up exactly where I am right now, alone. I
agree to go out on Saturday as I pack up my stuff to leave, although it most likely
won’t happen.

As I drive home, I think about how I ran into Julian and how Serena ran into Julian
and how Luke ran into Julian. I think about how he’s everywhere and how connected
I still am to his world. The idea of finding ways to avoid him starts to grow and
by the time I’m home, I think I’ve come up with the answer. I need to move.

Marissa, Shannon, and Cory are in the kitchen when I walk in the door. Shannon made
lasagna for dinner and they have a plate set out for me. Part of my new mission to
prove I’m okay is going to require eating so I sit down and join them. I also pour
myself a glass of wine. I debate whether or not to tell them about running into Julian,
and because Lauren knows, I decide I better. They listen, ask if I’m okay and when
I swear up and down I am, we move on. I help clean up the kitchen when we finish and
excuse myself after. I haven’t been running in days and decide to go.

It was a good choice to go running. I never intended to go very far but by the time
I turn around I’ve already gone three miles. As usual, I got lost in my thoughts.
Actually, I had some great moments of clarity and by the time I get home I’ve put
a plan into motion. I really am going to look into moving. My company is statewide
and although the most luxurious properties are in South Florida, there are great communities
up and down both coasts. It would be a hit to leave The Promenade, especially when
I’m kicking ass here, but I think I really need a change and a fresh start. I need
to get away from all of the memories of Brady, Luke, and Julian. My plan gains traction
when I think that Kevin, Marissa’s fiancé, will be coming back soon and that Shannon
and Cory are about to get engaged. They’ll be moving on with their lives and I’ll
need to find a new place to live anyway. After I take a shower I turn on my laptop.
I go to W&M’s website and begin looking at the properties we have: West Palm, Jacksonville,
Orlando, Clearwater, Fort Lauderdale. The list goes on. My eyes stop when I see the
announcement of a new development opening next month in Tampa. According to the website,
it’s supposed to be about two hundred units and pretty high end. Tampa. Jill lives
in Tampa so I have family there. It’s still near the water and its close enough that
my parents won’t freak out. The wheels in my head are turning a mile a minute as I
pick up the phone and text Jill.

Alexa:
Hey, want some company this weekend?
Jill:
You want to come here? Why?
Alexa:
To get away and to see you
.

Jill and I’ve been talking so much more lately and she knows how hard this whole Julian
thing has been on me. We’ve become so much closer since she opened up to me about
her marital problems. I actually start feeling excited at the prospect of seeing her.
I’ve only been to her house once, when they first bought it two years ago, and it
would be nice to spend some time with her in her world.

Jill:
Sure. That would be great. When are you coming? Driving?
Alexa:
I have an appointment at 9 on Friday. I can leave right after. Driving
Jill:
Awesome. Text and let me know when you leave
Alexa:
See you soon. And let’s plan on going out and having some fun
Jill:
For sure

I map the drive and figure it’ll take me about five hours to get there. Hopefully
I can get on the road by ten. I’m off this weekend because I’ve only been off one
day in over two weeks. I’ll have to cancel with Lauren but I think she’ll understand.
My next call is to my mom. Nobody answers at home so I leave a message.

“Hey Mom and Dad. Just wanted to let you know I’m going to go visit Jill this weekend.
I’m going to leave on Friday after an appointment. Let me know if you need me to bring
anything to her and I’ll come by and get it. Love you.”

I spend the next hour looking at apartments in Tampa. I’m sure I could stay with Jill
and Derek for a while but they have enough on their plates at the moment. The cost
of living is cheaper and I have some money saved up so I’d be able to get a nice place.
Now all I have to do is convince my bosses to transfer me. It won’t be an easy sell
but I’m hoping Andrea will be sympathetic when I tell her why I want to go.

My mom calls me back as I’m shutting down the computer and getting ready to go to
sleep. She invites me to dinner tomorrow night and I accept. Hopefully the night won’t
turn into a feel sorry for Lexie session.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

It’s day two post Luke and day nineteen post Julian. I slept like crap again and know
if I don’t find a way to sleep I’m going to fall deeper into a depression. I think
about the sleeping pills my doctor prescribed after Brady died. I took them for a
few days before I decided I didn’t like how they made me feel. I hated that I slept
so deep and didn’t dream at all. In a strange way my dreams, troublesome as they are,
comfort me. It’s the one place I can see Brady, Julian, and Luke without really seeing
them. I know if I told someone this they’d think I was crazy but the dreams are so
familiar to me now that in the absence of these men, they help me feel less alone.

As I get ready for work I think about seeing Ellen tonight. I can’t decide if I want
to tell her about my plans to move. I don’t want her, or anyone else, to talk me out
of it. I guess I’ll see how I feel when I get there. I keep with my somber theme and
pick out another black outfit. I bought a pantsuit months ago because it was on sale
on Bluefly.com. It still has the tags on because I never thought it looked anywhere
near as good on my body as it did online. When I try it on now, I’m pleased with how
it looks. The jumpsuit is all black and sleeveless with a crew neckline. It’s form
fitting around the waist and has a relaxed leg. The stretchy, jersey fabric is comfy.
It looks good on me. I don’t admit it’s due to the weight I’ve lost. As I dig through
my closet for a pair of black, Kamalikulture, patent leather heels with a pointed
toe and sculpted heel cup that I want to wear, I think about how I won’t live anywhere
that doesn’t have a big walk-in closet.

As I’m digging around, Marissa comes in and asks to borrow a pair of shoes. I find
what I’m looking for, get out of her way and tell her to take whatever she wants.
I actually like when my roommates borrow my shoes. It makes me feel justified for
having so many pairs, and because I like to wear different ones all of the time, most
of my shoes look new.

We chat while I get ready, and I tell her I’m going to go visit Jill over the weekend.
She looks hurt when I mention I want to get away and I feel bad I didn’t invite her.
Normally I would have, but because I’m going with the intention of looking to move,
it isn’t a good idea for her to come. Instead of being completely honest, I play up
the part about Jill needing to spend time with me. It seems like she buys it and leaves
with a smile and my red, patent leather, Stuart Weitzman platform pumps.

On my drive to work I spend more time thinking about moving. I researched some areas
that would be close to work and I even looked up different neighborhood info last
night. I’d want to live where younger people live and be in a place where it was safe
to run, and safe to live alone. I have it all figured out. I just need the job.

My clients are early and are waiting for me when I get in. Evelyn has made them coffee
and they’re chatting about Jamaica. I apologize for keeping them waiting but they
insist they’ve only been there for a few minutes. I ask them to give me a few moments
to get myself situated and then call them in. The contract process goes smoothly and
in an hour we’ve dotted every “I” and crossed every “T”. They’re super excited and
I’m happy for them. It makes me think about buying my own place someday and of course
that makes me think about my impending move. Maybe I can actually buy a place instead
of rent. I know my parents gave each of my sister’s money toward a down payment as
a wedding gift. Maybe they’ll do the same for me even though marriage isn’t on the
cards for me.

I say goodbye to my clients and shut the door. I sit down at my desk and try to calm
down. I just took a warp speed mind tour through what would’ve been my life if Julian
and I had gotten married. During the five minutes we were happily engaged, we had
discussed living at the Bellavista until we had kids. He agreed we could move to a
house after that. We talked about decorating and what my closet would look like. We
made so many plans that weekend at the beach when he asked me to marry him. It seems
like yesterday and yet it seems like a dream. I put my head on my desk, close my eyes,
and do some deep breathing. I stay this way until I hear a knock.

“Come in.”

It’s Andrea. “Hello, Lexie. I heard some big sales happened this week.”

I over compensate and smile brighter than I should. “Just finished writing on Unit
652.” I slide the contract over as she sits down in front of me.

“Good job. I saw you closed on 964 too. That’s a huge deal, you know that, right?”

I smile. “Yes, I know.” I tell her about the client I’m meeting with on Friday. When
I mention the referral came from Danny she’s a bit surprised.

“Bywater isn’t usually in favor of sharing clients.”

I shrug. “I guess Danny did it for me.”

Andrea knows about what happened with Julian and I. Actually, it seems like everyone
in Miami knows. The engagement, break-up, and discovery of an illegitimate child of
one of the city’s most eligible men are major news.

“I don’t want to get too personal, but are you doing okay? This must’ve all been really
hard on you.”

I like Andrea and I don’t think she’s the type of person to share secrets, but I also
don’t want to talk about Julian.

“It’s been rough but I’m hanging in there. I’m happy to be so busy with work. It keeps
my mind occupied.”

“Well, we’re happy to have you here. You’re doing a great job. Not that I’m surprised.”
She offers a sincere smile. “Let me know if I can do anything to help.”

It only takes me a second to realize she just gave me a great opening into a discussion
about me transferring to another property.

“I do have a question for you. Are you involved with the new project starting up in
Tampa?”

She pauses and squints at me a little. “It’s not one of my properties, no. Why do
you ask?”

I shrug my shoulders and take a deep breath. I guess my gesture tips her off to what
I’m about to say.

“No way, Lexie? You’re not moving to Tampa … are you?”

“I’m thinking about it. I’d need a job though.” I try and make a joke about it.

Andrea shakes her head and looks stunned. “I guess I don’t need to ask if this has
anything to do with Julian.”

“I think I could use a change. I’ve had a rough year and think a fresh start might
be good for me. I haven’t made any real plans, but I’m seriously thinking about it.
I love working for W&M and I’d like to continue to. I wasn’t planning on talking to
you about this yet, but the time seemed right. I’m actually going to see my sister
in Tampa this weekend and thought it would be a great opportunity to look around and
check things out.”

“It all makes perfect sense, and I hate that it does. After my divorce I felt the
same way and I did move and make a fresh start. But, you do know a change of scenery
is just a geographical Band-Aid, right? You’ll be taking your memories and pain wherever
you go.”

“I do know that, believe me. I’m not so much running away as trying to avoid having
my past thrown in my face every time I turn around. Today was a good example of that.
I don’t want to keep running into Julian and it’s hard when he’s such a big deal down
here.”

“If you’re serious, I can help make it happen, Lexie. I’d hate to lose you but I really
do understand. Why don’t you go check out the area and the property?” Andrea grabs
a piece of paper off my desk and writes a name and number on it. “Dominick De Luca
is the Regional Manager for the west coast. He’s a good guy and would be lucky and
thrilled to have you. I’ll call him and let him know you’re going to stop by this
weekend.”

“Thank you so much. I thought you’d be mad.”

“I’m not happy, but I’d hate to lose you. From what I understand, the building is
done but not selling yet.”

“Yeah, the website says they open next month. The timing might be perfect.”

“You know you’ll be leaving the jewel in the crown, right? And that you won’t make
the same money there?”

I chuckle a little. “Are you trying to talk me out of moving?”

Andrea smiles and chuckles a little herself. “Is it working?”

“I’m just leaving my options open. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t say anything
to anybody here. You’re the only person I’ve mentioned it to.”

Andrea gets up to leave and opens the door.

“Call me when you get back from Tampa and let me know how much you hated it and that
you’re staying, okay.”

Before I have a chance to answer I see Serena walking by. I start to panic. Did she
just hear that? Crap. The last thing I need is for her to know anything about my plans.

She glances at me and I can’t read her expression. She starts talking to Andrea about
work and they walk away. I take a deep breath. If she heard something she would’ve
said something.

She never misses an opportunity to get into my business.

As I walk out the door at five forty-five, I think about what a great day it was.
I only thought about Julian or Luke a few times and my talk with Andrea couldn’t have
gone better. If I could string a bunch of days like this in a row, my world would
certainly be happier.

When I get to Ellen’s, I’m in a decent mood. It doesn’t last. Ever since I came clean
about the rape, she has been watching me like a hawk and doesn’t let anything go unnoticed.
I’ve been telling her about work and how well it’s going. I side step any questions
about Julian. And she doesn’t know about Luke so it’s easy to avoid that topic. At
least it is for about fifteen minutes.

“So, now that we’ve talked about how great work is and about how great your friends
are, why don’t you tell me how you’re doing.”

“Aren’t you listening, I’m good.”

“I have to listen more closely to what you don’t say than what you do say. And honey,
you aren’t saying a lot.”

“You know your whole approach with me is different, Ellen, and kind of annoying. You
used to let me talk about what I needed to and you really never pushed. You push now.
And you don’t need to because things are better.”

I know I sound a little rude but I really don’t want to have a poor, pathetic Lexie
session. I wasn’t kidding about not wanting to be a victim anymore.

“Lexie, you and I have talked about this in length. I feel like I failed you in so
many ways and as long as you’re coming to see me, it’s not going to happen again.
You’ve shut down over the last two sessions. I let it slide last week but I’m not
buying the whole ‘my life is great’ act. You can be annoyed all you want but I can’t
help if you don’t let me.”

“Ellen, you’ve helped more than anyone. I’m sorry you don’t know that. My life isn’t
great. It sucks, more than you know, but I’m so over myself. I don’t want to be a
victim and a whiner. I just want to feel strong again and move forward.”

“What happened this week?”

“Nothing, why?”

“Because you just told me your life sucks more than I know, and I can sense something
is off. You seem really anxious, more than normal.”

Good God. I’m a freaking open book. “Fine. I saw Julian this week, unexpectedly. It
sucked and it hurt like hell. I also saw Luke. That didn’t go well either so I’m a
little raw.”

She skips right over Julian and goes to Luke. “How did you come to see Luke and what
happened?”

I sit there for a moment and think about whether or not I want to tell her about my
night with Luke. I feel like I should, so I start talking. I tell her the whole story
and by the time I’m done I’m in tears, again. It hurts so badly to recount the final
hour with him.

Ellen listens to my whole story and doesn’t say a word until I’m finished. I’m unprepared
to hear what comes out of her mouth.

“Well, I guess we need to thank Luke for doing the right thing. What were you thinking,
Lexie?”

Okay, this is so not a normal Ellen session. She’s all over me tonight. It’s like
she has switched from therapist to mother/friend.

“Tell me how you really feel. I guess I wasn’t thinking.”

“I’m sorry, Lexie, but that was a really bad idea, for both of you. You’re not even
the tiniest bit over Julian. There isn’t any way you and Luke would be able to make
things work, at least not now. I’m glad he recognized that, even if it was after too
much had already happened.”

“Well thank God he didn’t let me get my clutches into him.” I’m hurt by her words.

“You know I’m right. You aren’t ready to be in a relationship with Luke. Or anyone.”

“Well I guess it’s a good thing that one ex-lover is dead, one is playing daddy to
his illegitimate kid, and the other wants nothing to do with me. I can’t hurt Brady
anymore, but I wouldn’t want to ruin the others’ lives or anything.”

She shakes her head at me. I know she thinks I’m predictable, and maybe I am. I hurt
and I get defensive.

“I didn’t say anything that should make you respond like that. I can see things a
little more clearly than you can right now and I do know you pretty well. I’d like
to see you happy and I don’t think starting something with Luke weeks after you and
Julian broke up is going to make you happy. Luke isn’t Julian and you can’t use him
to take away the pain of that loss. It’s not fair to either of you.”

I wipe my eyes and try to get a grip. “Fair? Are we talking about what’s fair? Because
nothing has been fair as far as I’m concerned. I certainly got the short end of the
stick with Brady and I’m not thinking I’m a winner in the Julian situation either.
And Luke? Luke knew what he was doing. I didn’t force him into anything, so don’t
feel sorry for him.” Anger surges through me as I run through the list.

Ellen looks at me with compassion in her eyes.

“It isn’t fair. It’s been a really rough year for you and I get that. But if your
new goal is not to feel sorry for yourself, you need to take some responsibility for
what has happened. We’ve talked about Brady and I don’t think we need to go over that
situation right now, but as far as Julian and Luke go, you had choices.”