Hold On (31 page)

I understand why he’s angry. I don’t want this to turn into a fight so I remain calm.

“I’m sorry you don’t get it. I’m not sure how many other ways I can explain my feelings
to you. I love you. I love you with every single thing inside of me but I don’t want
this new life. When I agreed to a future with you, I envisioned kids, our kids, not
someone else’s being part of it. That’s the problem and you don’t get it. This isn’t
my baby, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my life having to deal with the other
woman in your life. It’s not just about the baby. I tried to convince myself that
it was, but here you are, having to take care of another woman. I can’t do this. I
can’t.”

“Yes, you can. We can get through this.”

“I don’t think you have any idea how hard it’ll be. It’s me you’re dealing with. You
know I’m insecure. I don’t want to feel like an outsider in my own life, like I did
last night when you chose to be with her instead of me. You even involved your mom
instead of me. I get why you did it, but it’ll just keep happening and I’m not going
to spend the next two months watching you take care of another woman and then sit
back and watch you live a life I’m not really a part of.”

I don’t think he knows how to refute my claims this would be a mess. He says the only
thing he can to try and change my mind.

“How could you just fucking quit on us so easily? After all we’ve been through. You
said you loved me and agreed to marry me. We were going to spend our lives together.
You’re not even giving this a chance. It’s only been a few weeks. It’ll get easier.
Don’t do this.”

He gets up and starts walking toward me. I put my hand up and ask him to stop. He’s
left standing in the middle of my room.

“And you told me it was going to be just us, you and I, apart from our pasts, that
built a beautiful life together. You may not have meant to change that, but you did.
It’s not just us and it’ll never be just us. You can be mad at me all you want, but
I want you to think back to our first real date, at Ursa’s when we talked about sharing.
We joked about who we were willing to share each other with and another woman and
a baby weren’t on my list.”

“I can’t accept this. I’m not walking away. I’m staying.”

“I don’t want you to stay. Not this time. You need to walk away. I know you love me
and I know this isn’t what you want, but it’s happening. I’m not going to change my
mind. I need you to accept this. I need you to leave. Please.”

I’m holding on by a thread and my unshed tears are lodged in my throat.

“I guess I didn’t know you at all. I’m begging you, and you’re so cold, so calm, like
this isn’t even fazing you.”

“Are you kidding me, Julian? Not fazing me?” Here come the tears. “Is this what you
want, for me to break down and get hysterical? Does me looking devastated make you
feel better? Because it makes me sick. You don’t know me if you think this is easy.
Let me remind you about me. I’ve spent the last year of my life trying to recover
from some really bad choices. I’ve worked fucking hard to get back to who I was and
I’ve come a long way, but I’m not there yet. I’ve woken up every day for the last
eleven days feeling sick to my stomach. I feel angry and resentful and like God wants
to keep punishing me for some reason. I don’t want to be tested to see if I’m strong
enough to make it through yet another difficult situation. I know life’s not supposed
to be easy, but I think I’ve had my share of hard knocks lately. I don’t want to try
to deal with this. I already know I can’t do it. I’m not fucking strong enough and
I don’t need to fail again. This isn’t about you. It’s about me, like always. I’m
not enough. Not now and not before. Now please just go and take care of your responsibilities.
I’m not one of them anymore.”

I can’t even look at him. The look on his face is one of pure devastation. He really
thought he could talk me out of this. I turn and walk back into the bathroom and lock
the door. I sit with my back to door and I let the pain come. I don’t know how long
Julian stays there but when I come out he’s gone, and so are all of my hopes and dreams
for a happy future. Without him in it, I don’t see how it’s possible.

The next few days are similar to the days following Brady’s death. I’m numb and just
going through the motions. I can’t miss any more work, so I suck it up and force myself
to make it through the day. When Diego asks me again if I’m okay, I don’t lie.

“No, but I will be.”

He nods and smiles at me. “Yes, you will be Alexa. You will be.” I wish I had his
confidence.

Serena knows because I heard her say something to Lauren about it. Lauren basically
told her to mind her own fucking business and so far she’s heeding that warning and
giving me a wide berth. My roommates say and do all the right things, whatever that
is. I stop by my parent’s house on Tuesday and tell them what happened. I tell them
everything; about the baby and Caroline. My mom surprises me when she says she thinks
I made the right choice.

“You should come first in a man’s life. It changes when you have children, but you
deserve to have him all to yourself so you can build a solid foundation. I wouldn’t
have stayed, honey. I know you love him, and I know he loves you, but it would never
have worked.”

I hug her and hold on to her words like they’re the gospel. I don’t want to doubt
my decision, which I do every day. I’m grateful she sees things my way. My dad isn’t
as supportive. He’s disappointed for me and tells me to really think about what I’m
choosing.

“There are things in life you can’t undo, Lex. You need to be sure this is something
you really want.”

I tell him I have thought about it and I’m sure. He knows when I make up my mind it’s
pretty much done so he stops pushing, but I can see on his face he thinks this is
wrong.

When I tell Jill over the phone later that night she’s mostly supportive of my decision.
“Yeah, it’s not fun to have to deal with another woman. It’s a good thing you did
this now before you got married.”

Tracy has a different take. “It’s not the other woman, Lexie. Raising kids is hard
work. You did the right thing. You don’t need to be worrying about parenting someone
else’s kid. It’s hard enough dealing with your own.”

Later, when I’m in bed, I think about what my family said and I can’t help but notice
how each of their opinions depends on who they are and what they’re going through.
Life really is all about perspective. I remember that when I tell Ellen about the
breakup. I do it through tears and she pretty much tells me it’s a mistake. Well,
not a mistake, but more a snap decision. She’s disappointed I didn’t try harder. She
always wants to remind me how supportive Julian has been of me. Her advice doesn’t
make me change my mind; it just makes me feel like more of a failure. I leave her
office feeling worse. That’s never a good sign.

The next two weeks are more of the same. I finally have to tell everyone to stop calling
and texting me every day to check up on me. I know they’re worried and want to help,
but there isn’t anything anybody can say to make me feel better. Talking about it
every five minutes makes it worse. I’m trying not to think about it, because when
I think about Julian, my heart literally hurts.

Julian tried to be respectful of my plea not to call or contact me. He lasted two
days before he called. I didn’t answer. He left a message and I never responded. He
did that for the first week. He’d call and hang up most of the time, but he left a
few messages. He never asked me to call him back; he just kept telling me he loved
me. The second week was different. He called me almost every day asking me to talk
to him. He texted me and sent me a few emails too. I stopped listening to them or
reading them because it gutted me. His most recent text got my attention when he said
he was coming to my work if I didn’t respond. Him coming here is the last thing I
need, so I answer him.

Alexa:
Please stop contacting me. Please
Julian:
This is so wrong. Talk to me
.
Alexa:
I can’t. Don’t do this. You’re making it worse
.
Julian:
Couldn’t be any worse
.
Alexa:
Then try and hate me. It’ll be easier
Julian:
Never. Te amo
Alexa:
Then respect this decision, please. Don’t come here. And stop calling. Please
.

That was the last text I sent to Julian and the last I got during this initial two
weeks. The two weeks that felt like a year. I can’t eat and I can’t sleep. I try to
sleep, but the nightmares are back. Not the terrifying ones, just the ones where I
chase shadows and try to find answers. They wake me up in the middle of the night
and leave me questioning whether I made the right decision. I’m not sure I did. I’m
not sure of anything anymore, except that once again I feel like I could die of a
broken heart.

Chapter Twenty-Four

I’ve worked every day the past two weeks and Diego made me take today off. I argued
because work is the only thing that keeps my mind off of Julian, but I really could
use a break. I’m exhausted. It’s Sunday and two weeks post Julian. Four weeks since
I found out about the baby. Four weeks since I felt anything that resembled happiness.
It shows on my face and in my clothes. I can’t seem to motivate myself to do anything
constructive today so I just lie in bed and flip through magazines most of the day.
I finally fall asleep and take a long nap which is a good thing. I’m woken up by my
phone, vibrating next to my head. I was listening to music when I fell asleep.

I open my eyes and see Luke’s face on the screen. I haven’t spoken to him since the
day I was in West Palm with him and Brady’s mom. I’ve thought about calling him a
few times over the past few weeks, post Julian, but didn’t think he’d want to hear
from me, or about my latest drama. He did warn me this wouldn’t end well. I doubt
he saw this coming, but he was right. My heart starts to beat a little faster and
before I talk myself out of answering it, I do.

“Hey Luke.” I try and sound casual even though I’m anything but relaxed.

“Hey Lex.” He pauses immediately and I wonder what else he was going to say.

“I’m surprised to hear from you. I wasn’t sure I ever would again.”

Luke chuckles a little. “Ever is a long time, Lex.”

His tone puts me at ease. It always has. My heart feels lighter than it has in weeks
and I’m instantly aware of how much I’ve missed him, especially now.

“You know me; I’m a bit dramatic at times.”

I expect Luke to make a sarcastic comment about me being dramatic but he doesn’t.
His tone turns a little serious and I know he knows things aren’t going great for
me at the moment.

“How are you? Are you okay?”

He sounds sincere but I’m still questioning why he’s calling.

“I’m great, Luke. Why do you ask?”

He doesn’t give anything away. “Is there any way we can see each other? I’d love to
see you and talk in person.”

“What’s going on? And don’t say nothing because I know when you’re being vague on
purpose.”

“I miss you, Hooka. I’d love to see you if it’s not going to cause any problems for
you, and if you’re okay with it.”

My gut tells me he knows something about Julian and me. I wonder if this is friend
Luke speaking or the Luke who tried to break us up and who might want to gloat. I
decide quickly I really don’t care. I miss him too.

“Where do you want to meet? Are you going to be down here anytime in the near future?”

“I’m outside your house right now, Lex. I hoped you’d say yes.”

I jump off my bed and look out my window. Luke’s black Range Rover really is parked
across the street. He sees me in the window and waves.

“Well I guess I can’t say no now. Come in.”

I hang up the phone and hurry into the bathroom. Ugh. I’m not sure I could look worse.
My hair is in a messy bun on top of my head, my skin looks blotchy and I have dark
circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. I brush my teeth quickly and go to the door.
Marissa has answered it and I find her and Luke hugging. My friends pretty much took
sides when we stopped talking but it becomes instantly obvious Marissa and Luke are
happy to see each other. They hear me walk up and separate. Marissa steps to the side
so Luke is standing right in front of me. His smile disappears when he sees me.

“Jesus, did you stop eating?”

Clearly my weight loss isn’t going to go unnoticed. The jean shorts and pink t-shirt
I’m wearing are baggy and don’t help my case.

“It’s great to see you too, Luke. You look awesome as usual.”

And he does. He’s wearing white shorts that look great against his tan legs. His blue
t-shirt matches his eyes and fits snugly across his muscular chest. His hair is a
bit longer than usual and he looks like he hasn’t shaven in a while, but his blue
eyes are bright and he looks relaxed.

“Did you stop shaving?” I tease him and find myself falling right into a comfortable
rhythm.

He shakes his head at me. “I’m serious. How much weight have you lost since the last
time I saw you?” He shakes his head again. “Never mind. Don’t answer. Whatever it
is it’s way too much. Go get ready. I’m taking you to eat.”

I want to tell him I’m not hungry, but I feel like a little girl for a minute and
walk back to my room and do as I’m told. Marissa and Shannon have been all over me
about the weight I’ve lost and I imagine her and Luke in the other room talking about
it as I change. I put on a maxi dress with a bright colored pattern and hope the flowiness
of the dress helps disguise that I really could be wearing a smaller size. I slip
on a pair of tan, Sbicca, thong wedges and head into the bathroom to make myself look
better. I run a brush through my hair and put it into a braid, put on makeup, and
when I’m done I look much better. I smile at myself a few times and try to find the
smile that looks the least fake. When I walk out twenty minutes later I’m confident
I’m going to be able to pull this off.

Marissa, Shannon, and Luke are all in the living room talking and I stop in the hallway
before they can see me, and listen. They aren’t talking about me. Luke is telling
them a story about a customer at the bar he works at and they’re laughing. It’s like
old times and it brings an actual smile to my face. When I walk around the corner
the smile they see is real.

Luke stands up and walks toward me. “You ready?”

I nod my head, grab my purse and walk toward the door. I do realize we haven’t even
addressed why he’s here or where we’re going, but as I walk out the door I decide
I don’t care. I’m happy to be out of the house and out of my head for a moment.

When we get in the car, Luke asks me if I’m okay going to Callahan’s. He says he has
a craving for their wings.

“That’s fine with me.” I really don’t care where we go.

We drive in silence for a few minutes and when we get to a light, Luke turns and smiles
at me. “It’s great to see you. Even if you’re way too skinny and look like you haven’t
slept in weeks.”

“You sure know how to make a girl feel special, Luke. Thanks for the compliments.”

“You want me to lie and tell you you look good? Okay, you look awesome.” His voice
is sarcastic and I don’t appreciate it.

“No, I want you to tell me what you’re doing here. Because you weren’t in the neighborhood
and you didn’t just come all this way to give me makeover tips.”

Luke purses his lips together as if to stop himself from saying something he shouldn’t.
He remains quiet for the rest of the ride and doesn’t say anything until he swings
the car into a parking spot at Callahan’s.

“Let’s go inside and get something to eat and then we’ll talk.”

I nod my head and get out of the car. I hate to admit it but the usual feistiness
in me isn’t there and I don’t feel like forcing the issue. He’ll tell me what his
agenda is when he’s ready and I’m oddly okay with it.

It’s like old home week when we walk into Callahan’s. We used to be regulars here
and I myself haven’t been here in months. One of the bartenders, Carla, even comes
out from behind the bar to give us each a hug when she sees us come in. After a few
minutes of chatting she asks what we’re drinking and sends over a Fat Tire draft for
Luke and an Angry Orchard cider for me. Simon, one of our favorite waiters comes and
takes our order after we’re seated. Luke orders enough wings to feed five people and
I order a Guinness burger I know I won’t really eat. When we’re finally alone again,
Luke starts to talk.

“You might not like what I’m going to tell you. I’ve been debating whether I should
lie about it or be honest, but I think lying to you isn’t a great idea if I want you
to be a part of my life again. And I do want that, Lexie. I want you to be in my life
again.”

He’s rambling and I can tell he’s a little nervous. I immediately start to get that
uneasy feeling in my stomach when I’m about to hear bad news.

“Yeah, lying doesn’t go over well with me. Just spit it out already. Why did you call
me? Why are you here?”

“Because Julian asked me to make sure you’re okay. And clearly he has reason to worry.”

I must be hearing things. “What? Did you just say you called me because Julian asked
you to?”

Luke nods.

“In what alternate universe are you and Julian talking?”

“I ran into him a few days ago when I was meeting up with Jordan in South Beach. I
saw him on the street, literally, and he asked if he could talk to me. It was so awkward,
and I wanted to say no, but I was with Jordan and Julian is his boss so I decided
not to be a dick.”

I’m trying to process this information. I never expected this twist. On the ride over
I thought maybe one of my girlfriends had called him but it never occurred to me it
was Julian that had anything to do with his popping back into my life.

Simon drops our food off and I wait for him to walk away before I say anything.

“And?”

“And what?”

“C’mon, Luke. Stop playing games. What did he say to you? I assume he told you we
broke up.”

“He did, but I already knew. I still talk to a bunch of people from the hotel. I heard
about Caroline and the baby right away. Nobody can keep a secret there and I think
she wanted people to know. I wanted to call you when I heard, but I figured you didn’t
need any more stress.”

I’m in the middle of taking a bite of my burger when he mentions Caroline and the
baby and I have to force myself to swallow. I feel sick. I take a big drink of my
cider to wash it down.

“What else did he say?” I can’t believe Luke and Julian were talking about me. I feel
betrayed in a way.

“Lexie, he’s worried about you. He’s not okay with all of this and he says you’re
refusing to see or talk to him.”

“It doesn’t make sense. He hates you. He’d never ask you to come and talk to me.”

“Well, he did. I wouldn’t lie to you about this, but you can call him and ask him
if you don’t believe me. I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.”

I look down at my mug and realize I’ve drunk almost the whole cider. I catch Carla’s
eye, raise my glass and watch as she pours another. Simon brings it over along with
another beer for Luke and sets it down. He looks like he’s about to start chatting
with us but sees the looks on our faces and decides against it.

“What else did he tell you, Luke?” I want to know, and I don’t want to know, what’s
going on with Julian. It hurts either way.

“Not much else. He asked if I had talked to you. I told him no and he suggested I
call you. Like I said, he’s worried about you. He wasn’t his normal cocky self, and
he must be desperate if he’s asking me for help.” Luke shrugs his shoulders. “I debated
it for a few days and figured the worst you could do was not talk to me. And seeing
as we weren’t talking anyway, I had nothing to lose. I’ve been worried about you since
I heard the news.”

“Why, because I’m a pathetic, emotional wreck?” I can’t hide the disgust in my voice.

Luke looks down at his food for a minute and when he looks up his eyes are sad. He
shakes his head slowly. “No, Lexie. I’ve been worried, because despite everything
that’s happened the last few months, I still care about you. I knew this must’ve been
devastating for you and whether you believe it or not, I want you to be happy.”

I take a big drink. I’m starting to feel the effects of the alcohol already. I should
stop drinking, especially because I haven’t really eaten anything today, but I do
the opposite and take another drink. Luke notices.

“Slow down or eat something, please.”

I’m about to say something along the lines of him not telling me what to do but I
stop myself. He’s trying to look out for me and I really don’t want to fight with
him. It’ll just make things worse. I already have enough on my emotional plate.

“Listen, I appreciate the concern. I really do, and I’m glad you called me. I still
can’t believe Julian asked you of all people to call, but okay. I’m not doing great,
obviously, but I’ll be okay eventually. The whole thing fucking sucks and I really
don’t want to talk about it with you. It’s awkward, and I’ve been talking about it
non-stop with my friends and with Ellen. Nothing is going to change so I have to learn
to deal with it. It’ll take some time but I promise I won’t die of starvation or sleep
deprivation while I get my shit together. Okay?”

I try and make the mood lighter with the last comment and even smile at Luke, but
he doesn’t buy any of it.

“Whatever you say. We don’t have to talk about it but we can if you need to, or want
to. I really am okay listening.”

I get up while he’s talking and get another cider at the bar. I turn and ask him if
he wants another beer but he shakes his head no and reminds me he’s driving. I sit
back down and change the conversation.

“Tell me what’s going on with you. How’s work? Are you seeing anyone?”

Luke shakes his head and chuckles softly. He knows I’m done talking about Julian.
He gives in and tells me about his job, what he’s been up to and that no, he isn’t
seeing anyone at all. He makes me laugh when he tells me he hasn’t been with anyone
in a month.

“Puh-leez, I know you. You haven’t gone a week without a girl in your whole life.”

His expression is serious. “Things are different now. I’m different, or trying to
be, anyway. I don’t want to be alone forever and if I want to ever settle down I need
to settle down a little bit. I’m not joining the priesthood just yet, but it hasn’t
killed me to spend some time alone.”

And just like that the energy changes between us. I hear everything he isn’t saying
and it weighs heavy on my heart. I know he thinks his playboy lifestyle cost him a
relationship with me and it actually might have. Who knows how things would’ve turned
out if he’d tried to “settle down” before now.