Hold On (30 page)

After about fifteen minutes of some good, deep, soul-cleansing crying I pull away
from Julian so I’m looking at him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to do that. I was trying
not to do that. You know me, but I also know me. I knew when I started to really think
about those questions, and the million others that have been racing around my head
for three days, I’d crack. It’s better when I shut down, Julian. I deal better.”

He kisses me on the forehead. “That’s not dealing. Please don’t apologize and please
don’t shut down. I need you. I can’t do this without you.”

I wake up in the morning with horrible cramps. For the first time in my life I’m happy
to have my period. It’s a great reason not to be intimate with Julian. We haven’t
had much physical contact since he told me about the baby and it’s really been my
choice. I feel sad when he touches me and holds me. I feel like it’s all temporary,
this illusion of the happy couple. I feel like what we have, this beautiful future
we planned, is slipping through my fingers like sand and no matter how hard I grasp
at it, it falls and scatters to the wind.

I’m going to go home today and spend the night at my house. I need to tell my friends
what’s going on. They know something is up, and I can’t hold them off much longer.
Julian is going to dinner with his parents and he’s going to tell his family. He wanted
me to go with him, but I declined. Because we haven’t told anybody yet, I haven’t
had to see the pity in anyone’s eyes, but I know it’s coming.

Marissa and Shannon are waiting for me when I get home around one. When the words
finally come out of my mouth, and I tell my friends the real story, they’re in shock.
They don’t know what to say.

“I’m sorry. This is so not fair. Are you okay?”

“No, Mari, I’m not okay. I’m pretending to be okay but I’m not sure what I’m going
to do.”

They both look at me with confusion in their eyes.

“What do you mean you don’t know what you’re going to do? Are you thinking of breaking
up with Julian? Because if you are, stop.”

“Thanks for your advice, Shan. I have thought about breaking up with him. Every morning
when I wake up and feel like I’m going to be sick, I think about it. Every time he
mentions something about the baby, I think about it.”

“Does he know that?”

“No, he doesn’t know that. I just told you I was pretending to be okay. So, while
he’s off telling his family he’s about to have a baby with someone other than his
fiancé, I’m going to stop pretending and feel as bad as I really do. I hope that’s
okay with you two.”

“Nobody said you shouldn’t be upset. This absolutely sucks, but you guys just got
engaged. You love each other. It’ll work itself out. It’s just going to take some
time to get used to.”

I love Marissa’s optimism and it usually helps, but right now it’s pissing me off.
This isn’t me just freaking out because Julian hasn’t called or because I’m a little
jealous. This is about a life-altering event. We’re talking about a baby.

“Really? Thanks for the pep talk, but I thought you two would be a little more sympathetic
about the magnitude of my new situation—”

“Lexie, don’t be like that. We are sympathetic and I’d be freaking out if I were in
your shoes. But, Mari’s right. You’re getting married and that means for better or
worse. This is pretty much worse and I know you aren’t married yet, but you can deal
with this. You really can.”

I look at them both and shake my head. “I don’t know if I want to. That’s the problem.”

Later on that night, after I’m in bed, I get a call from Julian. He tells me, without
me asking, that his parents were shocked and had a ton of questions. He tells me they
feel horrible for me but know I’m the kind of woman who can handle this. Then he tells
me they were actually a little excited about the prospect of having a baby around.
I’m not sure what part of that he thought would make me feel good, but I’m sure my
silence tells him how I really feel about his parents’ joy. He doesn’t ask me about
what my friends said. I guess he doesn’t care. After I promise him I’ll be back at
his place tomorrow, he tells me he loves me and hangs up. I toss and turn for hours
in a bed that suddenly feels so empty and unfamiliar. I can’t remember having any
dreams, but when I wake up in the morning, my pillow is wet. I’m assuming it’s from
my tears.

Nothing changes between Julian and me over the next few days. I keep pretending and
hope one day soon, I’ll wake up and not want to throw up when I remember my fiancé
is having a baby with someone else. I go to my appointment with Ellen on Wednesday
even though the last thing I want to do is talk about this. She doesn’t even know
I’m engaged.

“Hi Lexie. How are you?”

I hold up my hand and show her the ring. “Engaged.”

Her smile is bright and she’s about to offer her congratulations when she notices
my sour expression.

“What’s going on? That isn’t the look of a happy bride to be.”

“Well, a lot has happened since the last time we spoke, and I guess I’ll just cut
to the chase. This “bride to be” found out two days after she got engaged that her
fiancé is expecting a baby in a month with a girl he used to fuck. Would that explain
my look?” I didn’t mean for those words to come out so crass, but I’m really on edge.

Ellen stares at me as she processes what I just said. She looks so confused.

“Uh huh. It’s seriously messed up. Let me tell you the whole story, it’s a doozy.”

Ellen listens intently as I tell her about the engagement, the few days following
the big baby reveal and where I’m at today. I expect her to show some type of emotion,
but after the initial look of surprise wore off, she looks calm.

“Lexie, are you planning on breaking up with Julian?”

Hmm. That’s basically what my friends asked when I told them the story. “I’ve thought
about it, why?

“Because I hear it in your voice. You’re scared and you’re very defensive. You don’t
need to run. You and Julian can make this work. Couples do it all the time.”

I don’t deny her assessment. “I know they do. Blended families are all the rage. I
just don’t know if I want to handle it. This isn’t what I signed up for.”

“Maybe not, but this is what you’re getting. Life works that way. You love him and
he loves you. You should give it a fair chance. He’s been here for you every step
of the way through your journey and you owe it to him, and yourself, to try and work
this out.”

I start feeling like I did when my friends were lecturing me. I respect Ellen and
I love my friends, but they have no idea what this feels like. It hasn’t happened
to them. I don’t argue with Ellen though and spend the remainder of the session listening
to her tell me all the reasons I have to fight for this relationship. She’s team Julian.
They’re all team Julian, and I guess they think I should stand by his side no matter
what. I know they’re right, but with each passing day I’m more convinced I won’t be
able to.

That night when Julian and I are in bed, he finally initiates sex. He’s been following
my lead until now, but I guess he’s tired of waiting for me to act like I want him.
I’d be lying if I said the sex we have doesn’t feel good. It always feels good and
Julian is his usual giving self. He’s trying so hard to re-establish our connection
and I appreciate it. But, even though I’m feeling amazing physically, I’m feeling
cold inside. After we finish, Julian gets up to take a shower. He doesn’t ask me to
join him and I don’t even consider it. I just lie there and try to find the emotions
that usually are with me after Julian and I are intimate. I pull out every good memory
I have and when I recount the words he said to me when he proposed, I begin to feel
a little better. I close my eyes and let his words run on loop. I’m brought out of
my little reverie by the three pings that come from Julian’s phone on his nightstand.
I never, ever look at his phone, but tonight I’m drawn to it. I pick it up and read
texts that make me want to vomit.

Caroline:
Hey you. Just a reminder we have an appt at 3 tomorrow
.
Caroline:
And thanks for your support today. It makes me feel really taken care of.
Caroline:
And I’m super excited you’re going with me to see our baby for your first time. :-)

I scroll through the rest of his texts from her and am blown away by the realization
they text all the time. She texted him thirteen times today. Thirteen. His responses
are short sweet and to the point, but he responded every time. I talked to him twice
today.

My stomach literally turns over and I run to the guest bathroom. I kneel on the cold
tile floor and try not to throw up. Oh my God. That’s what their relationship is like?
I’m the one who pretty much enacted the “don’t ask don’t tell baby policy”, but I
never in a million years thought this was what was going on between them. Hey you?
That’s how we address each other. They’re totally in a relationship. I start shaking
and have to lie down on the floor. I hear Julian walking down the hall and I shut
the door. I call through the door that I’ll be out in a few. After about twenty minutes
he comes back to see if I’m okay. I don’t answer, because I’m not, and he sees that
when he opens the door.

“What happened? Are you okay?” His concern is sincere.

“I’m not feeling well. Go to bed. I’ll be in soon.”

He walks in and sits down next to me. “You were fine twenty minutes ago. What happened?”

I pull myself into a sitting position. I think I’ve gotten the nausea under control.
I debate whether I should lie about reading his texts and then decide I’m done lying,
about everything. “I read your texts from Caroline. I’ve never looked at your phone,
but I couldn’t stop myself.”

“It’s okay, baby. I’m not mad.” He’s not mad ... he’s clueless.

“You’re not mad? Why would you be mad? I’m your fiancé. We don’t have secrets.” My
sarcasm and hurt are flowing freely. “I totally knew you and Caroline talk to each
other like you are a couple. Hey you? Hey fucking you? Are you kidding me, Julian?
She texted you thirteen times today. I talked to you twice, and you cut me off quickly
because you were busy. You talk to her every day? What the fuck?”

His eyes grow large and he’s kind of at a loss for words. This is hard to justify,
but he tries anyway.

“She doesn’t have anybody else to talk to. Her parents pretty much disowned her when
she got pregnant. She doesn’t have a lot of girlfriends here; you know how those girls
are. She was worried about being alone when the baby was born and I told her I’d be
there. I was trying to do the right thing.”

“Those girls? You mean the bitchy models you fuck and knock up? Yeah, I get it. She’s
alone and clinging to you, the father of her unborn child and her meal ticket. She
doesn’t have a supportive family? Great, I guess that means cozy holiday dinners and
lots of Bauer bonding time. This is what I was talking about. It’s already happening
like I said it would, you and her bonding over the baby. How sweet. I’m just the fucking
idiot who thought I could pretend it wasn’t happening. I’m just the outsider in my
own life.”

He asks in a calm voice, “What do you want me to do? Walk away? Not take her calls?
Not take care of my responsibilities? I’ve hidden it from you because you refuse to
take part in this part of our life. You can pretend all you want, but it’s happening
and you need to accept that.”

“I need to accept it? Or what Julian? What happens if I don’t accept it? If I can’t
accept it?”

“Then I guess I’ll have to walk away from her and my child. Is that what you want
me to do, because I will?”

Wow. That sounds so awful to hear coming out of his mouth. That’s not Julian.

“You would never walk away from your child or your responsibilities so don’t throw
that out there as an option. I wouldn’t ask you to either. You just don’t see this
for what it is. This isn’t something we can fix.”

Julian gets up and walks out of the bathroom. He doesn’t know what to say to me and
has learned to walk away for a while when I get like this. I lie back down on the
floor and process his words. He offered to walk away from his baby, for me. I was
so tempted to take that offer for about two seconds. I’d love for it to be just us
again. But he’s right. This is happening and I need to figure out really soon if I’m
going to be able to deal. It’s not looking good.

I lie on the couch and try to fall asleep there. I want to go home but I do the more
mature thing and stay. After about an hour, Julian comes out and lies down behind
me. He takes me in his arms and holds me tightly. He doesn’t say a word and neither
do I. We don’t know what to say.

Chapter Twenty-Three

The tension is still there when we wake up in the morning. It doesn’t help that neither
of us slept well. I can’t help but think about how Julian and Caroline will be bonding
over a sonogram this afternoon. I feel sick.

It’s Thursday and I have a full schedule of appointments today so I get ready quickly
and take my own car to work. Julian doesn’t even try and talk me into driving like
usual. I think about our conversation last night and I feel horrible. I really don’t
want to be putting him in a position where he has to choose, but I can’t find a middle
ground I feel comfortable standing on. It keeps shifting underneath my feet and I’m
waiting for this whole new world to open up and swallow me whole.

I’ve done a pretty good job at maintaining a happy image at work but my smile and
good attitude have disappeared this morning and Diego is the first to notice it. He
calls me into his office as I’m walking by.

“Buenos Días, Lexie. Is everything okay?”

This is actually the first time he’s asked a personal question since before he knew
about Julian. We talk all the time, but always about work.

“All good, Diego, why?”

“Because you haven’t seemed yourself the last few days.”

“Is someone complaining?” I think about my customers and know I’ve been professional.

“No, not at all. Everyone loves working with you. I’ve noticed.”

He pauses and I can see he’s deciding whether to say more. Fuck! He knows about Julian
and the baby. It’s in his eyes, the pity. “And I heard about Julian …”

Fuck, fuck, fuck! Now it’s out at work too. I guess I wasn’t going to be able to keep
it a secret forever. People know Julian’s business and I’m sure Caroline is talking
about it. After all, she’s going to have the baby next month and Julian is quite the
catch. I try and smile but I’m sure it’s obvious how I really feel.

“I’m good, thanks for asking. You know how life can be … unexpected … sometimes you
just have to roll with the punches.”

Really, Alexa? You sound like a freaking Hallmark card.

Diego smiles warmly and I know he genuinely feels for me, I can see it in his eyes.
Maybe it’s more sympathy than pity. “Okay. Let me know if there’s anything I can do?”

I want to say, hell yes, you can do something. You’re gorgeous and successful and
single. Go find Caroline and offer to be her man. Take care of her and be there for
her. Do that so my man doesn’t have to. Of course I don’t say those things, though.
I just smile and walk out. Fuck.

I spend the rest of the day doing everything I can not to think about the doctor’s
appointment they’re going to. Julian tries to call me a few times but I don’t answer
the phone and he doesn’t leave any messages. I see the clock at three-fifteen and
wonder if they’re picking out names as they look at the baby’s face on the monitor.
At three-thirty I wonder if Julian’s holding her hand and smiling at her as they hear
everything is fine. At four I wonder if they’re staring at the sonogram picture and
talking about who the baby looks like. I wonder if they found out if it was a girl
or a boy. Julian has told me she didn’t want to know but maybe he talked her into
it so he could know if he was having a son or a daughter.

By the time I leave work, I’ve gotten myself into quite a state. Julian hasn’t called
since around two and it’s close to six. On a normal, before another woman is about
to have my fiancé’s baby, day, we would’ve talked about our dinner, or working out
or nightly plans. Tonight, I have no clue where he is or what he’s doing and it makes
me so mad. Julian doesn’t answer when I call so I stop by the hotel to see what’s
going on. Candace is still there and is more than happy to inform me Julian left around
two and hasn’t been back. Great.

I find Julian at home sitting outside on the terrace when I come in. He’s sweaty and
I assume he’s been for a run.

“Hi.”

“Hey yo … hi, Lexie.” He tries to smile but it’s forced.

In a split second I can tell something is wrong. “Just tell me.”

He pauses for a minute but then starts talking. “I went to the appointment today.
The baby seems fine, but Caroline is having issues. They’re worried the baby will
come soon, so they put her on bed rest until the baby is born.”

“Is she in the hospital?”

“No. She’s at her apartment.”

“And who is going to take care of her if she can’t get out of bed? You?”

“I’m going to have to help. I want the baby to be healthy. I told you she doesn’t
have anybody else.” He sees the look of disgust on my face. This just keeps getting
better. “What the hell do you want from me? What should I do here? Because if you
have any answers, let me know. I can’t stand the way you’re looking at me, like I’m
doing this to you on purpose.”

“Pardon me, Julian. I’m just trying to process the new norm of you having to babysit
your baby mama. It’s been less than two weeks and we went from no baby, to baby, to
you telling me you have to be supportive, to you telling me you have to take care
of her, every day. Maybe if I had months to get used to the idea, I’d be able to handle
it better.”

I use that as a justification, but it’s a lie. It wouldn’t matter. I’m never going
to get used to this.

“It is sudden. But that’s not my fault. I haven’t had a chance to get used to anything
either. I wish I would’ve known from the beginning. That way I could’ve been part
of all of this. I’ve missed out on a lot.”

Finally, the truth comes out. He’s feeling like an outsider too, and regrets not knowing
sooner. I don’t think he realizes the implications of his words so I tell him. “I’m
glad you didn’t know sooner.”

He looks confused. “Why?”

“Because if you would’ve known sooner, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. We
wouldn’t have fallen in love and gotten engaged. And I guess I’m still happy we did.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re still happy we did. That might change? You might
regret that?”

I don’t answer even though I know what the truth is. I’m headed for a broken heart
and I know it.

“I love you, Julian. This is hard. I don’t have the answers and I’m trying.”

“So am I, Lexie. So am I.”

We stop talking about this because we know we’re on slippery ground. The rest of the
evening continues in an uncomfortable silence, which I guess is our new norm.

I have to work all weekend and I’m so grateful. It’s proving to be the best distraction.
It’s my only outlet. We’re super busy and I’ve been closing deals left and right.
The Promenade is a hot commodity. Julian has to work late at the hotel both Friday
and Saturday night because Ruben is off again. His mom has been ill and he’s needed
to take off a few times to help out. I continue to stay at Julian’s to keep up the
appearance everything is fine, even though it so isn’t. My friends ask me every day
if I’m okay, and I keep lying and saying yes. The truth is things are getting worse,
not better, as the gap between Julian and I widens. On his late nights, I pretend
to be asleep when he gets home and he pretends to not know I’m pretending.

Before I leave for work on Sunday, Julian tells me he wants to take me to dinner at
a new Italian restaurant that recently opened on Collins Ave. We haven’t gone out
at all since we got back from Sanibel and I decide a change might help. He lets me
know he’ll pick me up from the condo at six.

At six-thirty, I start to get a little anxious and a little annoyed. This date was
important. I call and text but he doesn’t answer. I finally hear from him around seven-fifteen.

“Hi. Sorry about being late, but I’m not sure when I’m going to be home.” He sounds
stressed.

“Is everything okay at work?”

“I’m not at work. I’m at the hospital with Caroline. I’ve been here for a few hours.
She was bleeding and they wanted to run some tests and now they’re going to admit
her overnight. I’d leave but she’s really scared and the stress is bad for the baby,
so I’m trying to keep her calm.”

I’m not sure where it comes from but supportive, kind, Lexie makes appearance. “Can
I bring you anything? Dinner?”

“Thanks but my mom brought something by. I’m good. Hopefully I should be home soon.”

His mom is at the hospital? My fiancé is at the hospital with his baby mama and his
mom, while I sit in his condo waiting for him to call me? This is so fucked up. I’m
not sure how I stay calm, but I do. I tell Julian to take his time and do what he
needs to do and not worry about me. He sounds so grateful and relieved when I say
this that I know, I finally know, there’s absolutely zero chance this is going to
work. I’m lying and pretending and he can’t or doesn’t want to see it. This man who
used to be so attuned to all of my feelings is so wrapped up in what’s going on with
Caroline and the baby he can’t see we’re over.

I hang up the phone and without a second thought start packing all of my stuff. I’m
calm and rational and tearless. I’m not freaking out and acting spiteful. I could
wait until he gets home and I know we will be talking about this, but this is over
and once I walk out of here, I’m not coming back.

It takes me about an hour to get all of my stuff together. I don’t leave a thing of
mine here, except my engagement ring, which I put next to our picture on the nightstand.
I don’t turn the picture down this time and when I look at it, I can’t help but feel
the pain of this decision. I sit down on the bed and stare at the image of such a
happy couple that was taken just a few short months ago. I know better than anyone
things can change in a moment, but I never, ever saw this coming.

I don’t turn my phone off because I know Julian will be calling me as soon as he gets
home and sees my stuff is gone. I go to Lauren’s because I know he’ll come looking
for me. I called Marissa and told her what happened. I told her I left and I tell
her I don’t want to hear her opinion about it. I also ask her not to tell Julian where
I am. She doesn’t like my plan but agrees. The call comes in at nine. I don’t even
get a word out.

“Where are you, Lexie? I’ve already been to your house and I know you aren’t there.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m not at home because I knew you’d go there.”

“Where are you, Lexie? This isn’t going down like this. You’re going to talk to me.”

“I know. I planned to, just not tonight. I’ll talk to you when you calm down and when
you can listen.”

“I’m calm now and I can listen. I always listen.”

“You aren’t calm. I hear the anger in your voice and you haven’t been listening since
you told me about the baby. If you had been, you wouldn’t be surprised right now.”

“I’m not surprised. I’m disgusted. I’m fucking disgusted you thought this was a good
time to make it all about you again. I have so much on my fucking plate right now
and the last thing I need is to deal with your hurt feelings that I missed dinner.”

“I’m going to hang up now because clearly you and I are so far apart we can’t even
see each other anymore.”

Dinner? I don’t give a fuck about dinner. How can he not see this?

“Don’t hang up, baby. Don’t do this.”

The anger is gone and I hear the fear. It makes me weak and I can’t be weak.

“We can talk in a few days when things have calmed down. Okay. I’ll call you and we
can meet somewhere.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? You just ended our relationship, our engagement, and
you’re going to call me in a few days to discuss it? Did you really just say that?
You know what, Lexie? Fuck it, don’t bother!”

I hear the phone click on the other end, it breaks my heart and the tears start to
flow. Lauren was sitting next to me for support during the call and she gives me hug.

“I’m so sorry. If you really don’t think you can deal with the baby, you did the right
thing. Sometimes love isn’t enough.” Isn’t that the truth?

I debate going home, but decide to stay at Lauren’s in case Julian decides to come
back over. I don’t want to talk to him tonight. I get up really early in the morning
to go home. I use the term “get up” loosely. I really didn’t sleep. Marissa is still
asleep when I get there and Shannon isn’t home as usual. It’s fine. I don’t really
want to talk anyway. I’m getting out of the shower when Marissa comes into my room.
She opens the bathroom door and looks annoyed.

“Julian is in the living room. He kind of just knocked and walked in. He’s not leaving.
He said to tell you that.” She turns and starts to walk away. “I hope you’re sure
this is what you want.”

I put a robe on and tell her to tell him I’ll be right out when he walks past her
into my room. He’s glaring at me and it’s obvious he’s still very upset.

“Yeah. A few days isn’t going to work for me. We’re going to talk about this now,
fix it, and move on. Tell me what you need me to do, because this isn’t over.”

Oh, so typical Julian. He’s a fixer. He sees a problem and finds a way to solve it.
He doesn’t get that this is unsolvable. He sits down in the chair at my desk and waits
for me to give him the answers. I sit on the edge of my bed.

“This can’t be fixed. It can’t and you don’t want to see it.”

“Every problem can be solved. We can make this work.”

“No, Julian we can’t. You want things to be like they’d be in a movie, where everyone
ends up happy and rides off into the sunset on pretty, white horses. My life isn’t
a romantic movie, or a fairy tale. I stopped believing in the happily ever after a
long time ago. I’ve been trying to believe but deep down I knew it wasn’t going to
happen for me. I’m not that girl. You may be that guy, but I’m not that girl. I never
have been and that’s what I’ve been scared about all along. I’ve been scared this
would end and end in a way that gutted me.”

He’s angry and doesn’t try to hide it. “That’s all such a cop-out, Alexa. You’re ending
this. It’s not ending. You need to own that. You’re making the choice to walk away
and change the way this story ends. You can have the happy ending and you’re choosing
not to. I don’t understand how you can throw this all away.”