Hold On (28 page)

“Julian, your words are the grandest gesture you could ever make. I do get it, because
those are my words back to you. I always knew you were the one for me. I was stubborn
and scared, but I knew and I thank God every day for putting a man into my life that
would fight for me and believe in me. You’ve touched my soul in a way nobody else
ever has or ever could. I hope you realize how incredible you are, how strong and
patient and loving. You’ve changed my whole world. Thank you for staying and holding
on. Thank you for seeing all of me and loving me like this.”

I lean in and kiss him softly. “And yes, the mind-blowing sex doesn’t hurt.”

After we eat a very late dinner, we go lie in the hammock. We’re both naked, but covered
by a sheet and the warm night air and balmy breeze feel decadent on my skin. Julian
tells me he told my dad he wanted to marry me the other night when we were at the
bar. He also says my dad seemed okay with the idea, even if he didn’t know it was
going to be happening so soon. I know my parents and I have a feeling they’ll be thrilled
for me. I’ll call them in the morning because I’m sure they’re asleep already. He
also tells me he talked to his parents about it. They were supportive as well. He
tells me his mom wasn’t surprised by the news because she could tell by seeing us
together it was going to happen. He didn’t tell Danny though because he didn’t want
it to slip out in some drunken pillow talk with Lauren. His mention of my friend makes
me want to tell all of them. It’s late but I can’t wait anymore. I’m too excited.
Julian gets up and gets my phone for me.

I send a group text to Marissa, Shannon, Lauren, and Jenna and attach a picture of
the ring.

Alexa:
I said yes
Marissa:
OMG…call me NOW!!!!!!
Jenna:
I’m blinded. Is that an engagement ring or a glacier?
Shannon:
Sweet! Congrats Lex. So happy for you.
Lauren:
OMG. I’m with Danny. Does he know?
Alexa:
Will talk to you all tomorrow. Come over in the evening. Danny doesn’t know, but Julian
says you can tell him and he’ll call him in the morning. Sorry I blinded you, Jenna.
It’s very sparkly!

I get out of the group text.

Alexa:
I’ll call you in the morning. Just couldn’t wait to share the news.
Marissa:
OK.
:-(
I want details. SOOO happy for you, Lex. So happy.

We spend a few hours at the beach in the morning and leave Sanibel around one. Julian
reluctantly drops me off at home in the late afternoon and leaves me there to catch
up with my friends. He’s going to grab dinner with Danny and his friends and wants
to spend a few hours at the hotel, so this works out. I spent a good chunk of the
ride home talking to my parents and sisters and they all seem very happy and excited
for me. Neither Jenna nor Lauren can come by because they both have plans, so we agree
to go out for drinks tomorrow to celebrate. After Julian leaves, I share the majority
of the proposal with Marissa and Shannon. I keep the most intimate details close to
my heart.

Chapter Twenty-One

I thought things would be different now that I was engaged, like the world would seem
like a different place. I was right, but in the most wrong way. Two nights ago I agreed
to marry Julian and today I can’t get him to reply to any of my texts. I’ve left two
messages for him and he hasn’t called back. I wanted to ask him if it was cool to
bring the girls to Ursa’s for drinks to celebrate. I don’t want to just show up. I
wait a while and try again.

Alexa:
If you don’t answer I’m coming to see if you’re ok.

This time he replies right away.

Julian:
I’m fine. Just really busy. Do you need something?

Seriously? That’s his response. Do I need something? Yeah, I need to know what the
hell is going on. That text couldn’t be more un-Julian. I’m so tempted to say something
rude or just ignore him but I restrain myself. I did, after all, just agree to be
his wife. I guess I need to act rationally. Too bad that’s not always my strong suit.
I dig deep.

Alexa:
I wanted to know if it was ok to bring my friends to Ursa’s for drinks/dinner tonight.
Alexa:
To celebrate
Julian:
Celebrate?

Oh my God. He didn’t just ask me what I want to celebrate did he? This is bad. I pick
up the phone and call him. It goes right to voicemail, so I text again.

Alexa:
Answer your phone please
Julian:
I can’t
Alexa:
You can’t? What’s going on Julian?
Julian:
I’m busy. Working. Problems. Tonight’s not a good night
to come here. I may be here all night. You should stay at your place

WTF? I feel like I’m getting punked. Something’s wrong and I feel it in my bones.
I’m not overreacting either. I know it. I know something is really wrong. These texts
aren’t coming from the man who, just a few days ago, told me he wanted to spend forever
with me. Stay at my place? Since when is that an option, especially since I stayed
at my place last night. Something happened between when he dropped me off yesterday
and now. Oh my God. He’s changed his mind. He had some time away from me to think
about it and decided he didn’t want to marry me and now he’s avoiding me. This is
so bad. I’m not sure what to say so I just agree.

Alexa:
Fine. We’ll go somewhere else.
Julian:
Ok

Ok? A chill starts to spread through my body as I realize I actually might be right.
I feel sick to my stomach and my breathing starts to speed up. This can’t be happening.

I sit at my desk for a few moments and try to get myself together. When that doesn’t
work I decide to leave work. It’s already four anyway. Lauren is out showing a unit
so I text her to let her know I’m leaving. Serena is here too so we’re covered.

Alexa:
Feeling sick. Going home. Drinks another time
Lauren:
Sick? Ok. Feel better
Alexa:
thanks. Ttyl

I walk out of my office and see nobody but Evelyn is there. I ask her to let Diego
know I’m not feeling well. She agrees I look pale and shaky, which I am. Luckily I
left my car at Julian’s this weekend. It meant Marissa had to drive me to work this
morning but it’s working out for the best. I decide to walk to his place instead of
catching a cab. I need the fresh air. I fight the urge to go to the hotel and confront
him. I try to convince myself I’m imagining this. Maybe he really is just busy. We
were gone all weekend. Maybe he really needs to catch up on what he missed. I keep
telling myself this over and over again. I’m not very convincing.

It’s five o’clock when I get to the Bellavista. I walk into the parking garage and
head straight to my car. I stick my hand in my purse to pull out my keys and can’t
find them. I keep digging and finally remember I left them in the condo. I put them
in the bowl on the table in the foyer. Damn it! I don’t want to go up. I really just
want to go home. It’s ironic that a few hours ago I was beginning to think this was
going to be my home.

I also realize the key Julian gave me is on my key ring. Shit. I walk up to Axel,
the regular security guard and ask him to let me in. I’ve basically been living here
and today, for some reason he’s telling me he can’t let me in without Julian’s permission.
It just keeps getting worse. He offers to call him but I let him know I’ll take care
of it. This is humiliating. I call again and it goes right to voicemail. I take a
deep breath and try to keep from throwing up. It’s that bad. He’s told security not
to let me in his unit.

Alexa:
I need my car keys and they’re in your house. Please call security and tell them to
let me in.
Julian:
Ok. Give me a few minutes
Alexa:
What’s going on Julian? You’re freaking me out

I wait for his reply and nothing comes back. A few minutes later Axel hands me a key
and tells me to make sure to bring it back. I want to yell at him I have my own damn
key but realize he knows that. He knows me. This is crazy. As I head up to Julian’s
condo I can hardly breathe. I have no idea what’s going on but I’m actually scared
to walk into the condo. I turn the key in the lock and open the door slowly. I almost
feel like something evil is going to jump out at me. Nothing does. It’s quiet, so
quiet I can hear my own breathing. Everything is the same as it always is. Everything
that is, except the feeling I belong here. I should just grab my keys and go but I
really need to use the bathroom and could use something to drink after the walk over
here. I walk down the hallway into Julian’s bedroom. It looks the same. What could’ve
happened after we said goodbye last night, when he told me how happy I made him this
weekend? I use the bathroom and walk into the kitchen. Everything looks the same in
here too. If everything is the same why do I feel so different? I grab a bottle of
water out of the refrigerator and drink the whole thing quickly. I walk over to the
cabinet next to the sink that holds the trash can. I push the pedal with my foot to
open it and glance toward the sink. That’s when I see it. There are two shot glasses
turned upside down in the sink. They look so incredibly out of place. There might
as well be a spotlight on them. I pick one up and bring it to my nose and the pungent
scent of whiskey assaults my senses. I look down to the trash can that I’ve opened
up and see a bottle of Jameson in the trash. I pick it up. It’s empty. What the hell
is going on?

Someone has been here drinking today and I’m having a hard time believing it was Julian.
He doesn’t really drink and he certainly doesn’t do whiskey shots on a Monday afternoon.
I talked to him last night before I went to bed and he said he was home by himself
so I don’t think this is from him partying with his friends. I’m standing there for
a few minutes trying to process this situation, when it hits me. Something must be
going on with his dad. That’s got to be it. He must be dealing with that. I take a
deep breath and exhale. What a relief. I wish he’d just tell me what’s happening but
I’ve learned his dad is the one thing he won’t really talk about. I want him to be
able to tell me anything. I want to help, and because I do, I decide to stay and wait
until Julian gets home so we can talk about it. I want to be there for him.

I pour myself a glass of wine and sit down outside on the terrace. I feel so much
better. It all makes sense. He must’ve not wanted his dad to have access to his place
and that’s why he told security to call him before letting anybody in. It must be
bad if Julian is so preoccupied he can’t talk to me. He’s been so patient and understanding
with me. I’m going to do the same for him.

I sit and wait for what seems like forever. I try to read a magazine but can’t stay
focused. I keep looking at my engagement ring and think about Julian’s proposal. I
walk back inside and pour another glass of wine. I turn on the TV and check my phone.
There are no messages. At around seven o’clock I start to get agitated again. I’m
not patient and this is so hard for me. I text Julian again.

Alexa:
Hey you.

Thirty minutes goes by and I get no reply. I know because I’m watching the clock.

Alexa:
Julian, please call me or text me that you’re ok and that everything is ok. This isn’t
normal and I’m worried.

Ten more minutes goes by and still nothing. I can’t help but feel unnerved again.
This isn’t like Julian. Even at his busiest he makes time for me. I can’t sit here
and wait anymore so I put my glass in the sink, put my shoes back on, grab my keys,
and head out the door. As I’m waiting for the elevator my phones rings and Julian’s
face appears on the screen. My heart starts to race and I answer quickly.

“Julian, are you okay? What’s going on? I’m freaking out.”

I don’t tell him I’m just leaving his place. I’m not sure why, but I don’t.

The voice that answers me back isn’t Julian’s. I mean it is, but it isn’t. He’s so
drunk he’s slurring his words.

“Lexie. I’m fine. Tranquila. Stop freaking out. I’ll call you later.”

I open my mouth to reply when I hear Danny in the background.

“Carajo, Julian, get off the phone. I told you not to call her.” The phone goes dead
as either Julian or Danny hangs up on me.

What the fuck? Okay. Stop and think. Obviously the whiskey was Julian’s. He’s drunk
and he’s with Danny. Something bad happened. I’m sure of that now.

I get into the elevator and without giving myself a chance to talk myself out of it,
I push three. I’m going to Danny’s to see if they’re there. I knock and step to the
side of the peep hole. I don’t want him to see it’s me. Something tells me he won’t
answer the door if he sees me. My plan works and I hear the lock turning and see the
door opening. I move and stand in front of Danny. The look of surprise on his face
is blatant but he recovers quickly. He steps out of the door and shuts it behind him.
He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. I can smell the whiskey on him, although
he doesn’t appear to be drunk.

“Alexa, hey, what are you doing here?”

“I came to see Julian. I know he’s here so before you lie, don’t. He just called me
and I heard you in the background.”

“He was here but he left.”

Really. Does he think I’m that stupid?

“It was three minutes ago and he was too drunk to drive anywhere. So where did he
go and who with?”

I can almost see the wheels spinning in his head. He’s torn and it’s obvious. He likes
me. He’s going to be my brother-in-law. He’s not a good liar so he’s at a total disadvantage
here. “He left with Marco and they’re going to get something to eat.”

He really is a bad liar.

“Okay. I’ll wait for him then. Can I come in?”

Danny can’t even look at me now because he knows I know he’s lying.

“I’m not sure how long they’re going to be gone. I’d let you stay but I’m heading
out too.”

Okay, I’m done playing this game now.

“This is fucking ridiculous Danny. Let me in. I know he’s here.”

I try and reach around him to grab the door knob and he grabs my hand.

I hear the emotion in his voice.

“Lexie, I can’t. He’s here, but I’m not letting you in. He’s okay. He’s drunk but
he’s okay. He’ll call you later. I promise.”

Tears spring to my eyes. This is Julian we’re talking about. My fiancé. He doesn’t
drink. He loves me.

“I’m not leaving, Danny. This is crazy. What’s going on? Tell me please.” I sound
desperate. I feel desperate. The memories of the night he came to my house and begged
to come in make an appearance in my head and I think how similar this is. I was drunk
and Marissa wouldn’t let him in. Now the tables are turned. The difference is that
I didn’t do anything.

“Lexie, please just go. Please.”

“Tell me what’s going on and I will. I know you want to. I can see it in your eyes.”

Danny looks me in the eyes and tells me the truth.

“He doesn’t want to see you. It’s his decision, not mine. I’m so sorry.”

I feel like he just punched me in the stomach and the tears I’ve been holding back
all afternoon spill out and run down my cheeks.

“Why, Danny? What happened? What did I do?”

I see the pain in his eyes. He knows I’m about to be hurt and he doesn’t want to be
the one to do it. It’s not fair to him and for a moment I feel badly for him. It’s
just long enough for me to turn and walk as fast as I can toward the elevator. I’m
shaking so badly I can hardly stand. My head is spinning. I have no idea what to think.
I hurry through the lobby and to my car. I don’t turn the key in because I don’t want
anyone to see how distraught I am. I get out of the parking garage as fast as I can
before I change my mind and go back upstairs and make a scene. I shouldn’t be driving
because I can hardly see through my tears. My heart is breaking. There’s no other
explanation. He made a mistake and doesn’t know what to do. I’ve driven him to drink.

I’m so glad to see both Marissa’s and Shannon’s cars in the driveway when I pull up.
A month ago I would’ve wanted to be alone, but right now I need my friends. I burst
into the house and find them both in the living room watching the Bachelor. They see
my face and pause the TV.

“Lexie, what’s wrong? What happened? Are you okay?” Marissa’s concern is evident.

“No, I’m not okay and I don’t know what happened.”

I tell them the story and they look as confused as I am. They’ve known me for years.
They know I have great instincts when it comes to reading people and situations. They
know my gut is usually right. They don’t even question my story or my assumption he’s
regretting asking me to marry him. It’s the only explanation that makes any sense.

Shannon tries to comfort me. “Maybe he just has cold feet. You guys haven’t been together
for very long. He loves you. We all know that.”

The tears start again. “I don’t know anything, Shannon.”