He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (12 page)

We’ll say it again: sex in a long-term marriage will probably never be as frequent and delicious as it once was, and if that’s what you expect, you are setting yourself and your partner up to fail. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be good, and a regular part of your life.

One respondent said his wife wasn’t sexually adventurous because she refused to enter into a polyamorous (accepted multiple partners) relationship, and another talked about “swinging.” Although some 100

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

may fantasize about these types of arrangements, few couples make it a reality, because frankly, this isn’t for most people. While it may be true that shaking up a relationship’s foundation reignites a few sparks, we think it’s more likely to burn down the house. It is beyond dispute that a new partner might be exciting, and extramarital relations revealed may actually activate some hormones and temporarily restore passion. However, we live in a culture strongly based on fidelity. Jealousy is a volatile emotion, and even if it jump-starts lust, it stands a good chance of destroying love.

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ANGER MISMANAGEMENT

Some people seem to be living in a marriage that’s like an onion—

they peel away one piece of resentment after another, until there is only an empty core. Nothing does a better job of killing intimacy than layers of built-up rage; it was therefore not surprising that so many of our respondents were mad as hell. Forty-four percent of the men said, “I am angry at her,” and 45 percent of the women agreed that their husbands were furious. When asked why, the men claimed anger was a justifiable reaction to their partner’s negative behavior. The word
critical
appeared regularly, an important ingredient in the formula for sexual Novocain.

Nothing does a better job of killing intimacy
than built-up rage.

She is frequently critical of any affection I show, sexual or otherwise. Everything is too much, too little, too soon, too late. I eventually learned to filter the negative commentary, but in the process I lost interest in her on many levels. (Male, 50s) 102

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

Although this man complains that his wife is critical, he also writes that he used to work an incredible eighty to one hundred hours every week. His wife called his work habits “insulting,” especially since he was often too tired to be intimate. They each seem well practiced in figuring out how to offend the other, and the resulting absence of passion may actually be preferable to them both.

She is critical of everything I do. Examples include my appearance, the way I dress, my friends, how I drive, the way I eat, my choice of everything from restaurants to parking spaces.

(Male, 60s)

There is no greater gift in life than the joy one gets from passion born out of love, and no better way to destroy it than the inability to deal with anger correctly. It is no surprise that the preceding man has stopped being sexual; his performance would probably be just one more item on his partner’s list of what he does to annoy her.

I realize that sex with her gave her the power to hurt me, as she was verbally and mentally abusive. I broke off all contact with her. (Male, 40s)

It has been theorized that the absence of sexual desire is most often related to expressed or unexpressed anger. Many men who responded to our survey said they were angry at their wives because their wives were always angry at them. They were living with critical and controlling women who were ready to fly off the handle for any reason at all; the only thing missing from their descriptions were pointy black hats and brooms. We don’t believe anger is one-sided, or, at least, it rarely is, but a lot of respondents seem to perceive of it that way. They are taking no responsibility for, or are oblivious to, their part in the story.

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She is always in a bad mood, putting me down and showing her displeasure with her life and me. (Male, 40)
A conflict-free relationship is impossible.
However, when conflict becomes either a cause or an excuse for withholding sex, it is not being handled properly.

Sex therapists Gerald Weeks and Nancy Gambescia mention a variety of ways couples deal with anger that they consider “incompatible with sexual desire.” Some people don’t censor; they say hurtful and inappropriate things without considering the impact. Others are constantly angry, ready to explode for any reason at all. In both of these cases, the “nonangry” partner lives in constant terror that something (
anything
) they say might set off an explosion.

One female respondent, now divorced, described marriage to her raging ex-husband this way:

I stayed way too long! The funniest and saddest day was when we attempted joint therapy. The counselor had to ask him to keep his voice down and to stop yelling at her and me.

The sad thing is that my ex is brilliant and has a Ph.D. in the field of languages. It seemed absurd that he acted that way.

The therapist was so scared she called the security guard!

(Female, 57)

ANGER CAN DESTROY PASSION,

AND USUALLY DOES

It is unlikely that anyone would want to make love to a screaming bully of a spouse. Uncontrollable rage can be a sign of chemical imbalance, a result of alcohol or drug abuse, self-loathing, or just an effective method of avoiding sex and intimacy. If the more tranquil 104

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

partner has a fear of intimacy and commitment as well, he or she may have found an excellent way of avoiding sex without taking any of the responsibility. It is also possible that the calm spouse is so afraid of being left alone, or feels so unworthy of a loving relationship, that he or she is willing to choose a bad marriage over none. Those who grew up in a household with an abusive or alcoholic parent sometimes replicate their childhood environment in marriage, choosing a mate who is disagreeable but comfortable—the devil they know. The marriage may seem no worse, or even a bit better than what they experienced as children, and therefore acceptable.

Men frequently use anger to cover up sexual anxiety.

But if a woman still desires intimacy with her raging spouse, possibly confusing fury with passion, the angry partner has effectively created a platform of refusal. Men frequently use anger to cover up sexual anxiety. As unpleasant as an argument may be, it’s preferable to facing the humiliation of unaddressed sexual dysfunction. Not getting or sustaining an erection can also be a way of passively showing contempt. Withholding sex becomes a punishment; he is refusing to give her something she wants, perhaps one of the few things he perceives as still being within his control. For example, a 60-year-old man, married to his 50-year-old wife for five years, wrote that he cut off all sexual relations in the second year of marriage because “she tells me what I’m doing wrong all the time.” However, he also mentions that he suffers from ED but has not seen a doctor and chooses to watch pornography online for twenty-eight hours a week. He is classically covering up his impotence while taking back the little control he has over his sex life by getting solitary relief without fear of humiliation. The anger that he is feeling toward himself, fueled by anger

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his wife’s criticism, may destroy the marriage unless both decide to confront these serious issues. It is even possible that his anger is the cause of his impotence.

THE ULTIMATE INTIMACY KILLER

For the constantly critical, anger is often a first line of defense against intimacy and commitment. The foundation may be a deeply serious wound, like a discovered or confessed infidelity, or an assortment of trivial complaints that seem, on the surface, to be meaningless.

I think I’m too critical of him sometimes. I have high standards for how a person should be. I am critical of the way he walks around the house. He walks on his heels instead of the balls of his feet. That makes the whole house shake. (Female, 30s) The “noncritical” or “nonangry” partner responds by withholding touch, warmth, and sex, which gives the “angry” spouse more reason to stay that way. Both are certain their choice is valid. What man would want to get close to a woman who despises him? What woman wouldn’t feel justified being angry at a man who refuses to touch her?

Although one plays the role of the openly angry spouse, it can be in response to a partner who is either quietly hostile, or so emotionally shut down that his or her frustration and attempt at control is inevitable. One partner may also be passive-aggressive, seemingly compliant and loving, but not. This can show up in a variety of ways, by “forget-ting” to do things that were promised, or by consistently being late. If he thinks of his wife as an authority figure, this can be a convenient way of retaliating without taking any risk. It will probably result in criticism, but that further justifies his silent anger. As one 63-year-old woman who has been married for forty-four years wrote: 106

HE’S JUST NOT UP FOR IT ANYMORE

He is passive-aggressive. He doesn’t yell or argue a lot, but will NOT do anything I suggest, either in bed or around the house.

Of course, men can be the constantly critical partner, too: He is very critical in general, always complaining, but really he doesn’t want to have sex. For example, he won’t have sex if the clothes aren’t all put away, or if a TV show he likes is on. There isn’t any consistency; he makes up excuses as he goes along.

(Female, 37)

This man is pretending to use sex for both punishment and reward, but it’s all an illusion. She’s right in thinking his manipulative behavior is masking the fact that he really doesn’t want sex. From his perspective,
she
has become the reason for his lack of desire—if the laundry were just put away properly, he would want to make love.

And sometimes, they are equals in critical warfare: We are often angry with each other. She is quick to criticize or at least bicker and I’m quick to be defensive. (Male, 59) Cohabitation or marriage does not guarantee closeness, and if one or both partners fear intimacy, anger and resentment can be effectively used to prevent it. In addition, anger can be reassuring—if the relationship ends, the loss might be bearable. In other words, not being fully committed to the marriage is an insurance policy against future vulnerability. (The converse, never fighting, has the same result. Both partners are so emotionally codependent that for either to exert control and express anger is impossible because it would mean taking responsibility for what might go wrong. Arguing could lead to abandonment. Unfortunately, when all conflict is eliminated, passion usually is, too.)

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HE MAY JUST BE ANGRY AT HIMSELF

Constant criticism may also mask insecurity. If a man feels unsuccessful or inadequate, why would anyone love him or want to make love to him? If his partner still desires him, there must be something wrong with her. When (and if ) he tries to talk about his problems, his partner may be so emotionally battered that she has stopped listening. Eventually, as a kind of Pygmalion myth in reverse, he may trans-mogrify the woman he loves into the angry, disappointed, and bitter partner he thinks he deserves.

He is very angry at me, because I am successful in my career, and he isn’t. He treats me with disdain, saying I am a terrible mother and a “hostile bitch.” Maybe he’s right, now I’m angry all the time, too. (Female, 30)

This woman’s husband is taking no responsibility for his own life, choosing instead to pretend all of his problems originate with the woman he married. He has turned her into what he thinks he ought to have—a woman angry at him for his lack of success.

I am not sure why he is so angry at me; I just know that he is. I guess he blames me for everything in his life that didn’t turn out the way he hoped it would. (Female, 49)

This woman sees herself as a scapegoat. In a follow-up interview, she writes that her husband watches pornography on a regular basis, has had an affair, and suffers from ED without seeking a cure, so it is difficult to imagine that she isn’t angry at him, too. She describes herself as having gained a significant amount of weight; perhaps this is a way for her to passively express it. This couple is using anger and accusation to disguise their extremely serious marital issues.

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Instead of confronting those problems, they choose to be constantly enraged.

He tells me he has nightmares about me dying. He described one to me—people were carrying a body bag and I was inside.

He has made poor financial decisions and gone through a lot of my money. I have been very angry about that. We live in my house. (I bought it before I met him.) I feel he wants to share in my things, but resents it if he has to share anything with me.

(Female, 56)

This woman also writes that she has recently changed from a slim, health-conscious jogger to an overweight person with multiple medications and hypertension. Her husband is nine years younger than she and seems to be terribly frightened that he will lose her to death, or that she will ask him to leave. However, they are also both very possessive and withholding people. After ten years of marriage, she still refers to the place they live in as “my house” and his bad investments as having been made with “my money,” and he seems to believe that what belongs to his wife belongs to them both, but what belongs to him is his alone. He won’t even share intimacy.

The following quote shows a 38-year-old man still angry about something that happened more than twenty years ago: She was promiscuous in high school; I was a “good” kid. Every year I resent our pasts more.

He has been holding on to this trump card for a generation. He married her fully aware that she was more sexually experienced than he was, but he can’t stop judging her for what he considers to be prior indiscretions. He seems to be masking fear of inadequacy with his resentment about something that can never change.