He's Just Not Up for It Anymore (13 page)

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SILENTLY SEETHING

Anger can also be a quiet thing, an emotion buried deep inside someone fearful that speaking up will be catastrophic. Gerald Weeks and Nancy Gambescia say that in their experience, withholding anger is the most common pattern of all, and men are somewhat more likely to do it than women. “The internalized anger becomes a chronic condition that we call
chronically suppressed anger.
These partners are filled with bitterness and smoldering resentment. . . . Suppressed anger becomes the pervasive state and blocks the experience of all other feelings, including sexual desire. These individuals often appear pensive, depressed, anxious, or withdrawn. They are likely to remain emotionally disengaged from their partners in order to remain quietly angry.”

The only way to try to eliminate hostility is to talk
about the issues.

Dr. Robert Mendelsohn, a psychoanalyst and couple’s therapist on Long Island, New York, who believes that the number one reason men stop being sexual with their wives is anger, told us that often men present a long list of unexpressed resentments. They remain unspoken because the man would rather withdraw from conflict than deal with it. He calls this “pathologically polite”—angry but refusing to say so out of fear that once one set of grievances is out in the open, his partner may counterattack with a set of her own. (However, he says some male patients do complain openly, especially about their spouse’s criticism. He has noticed a shift in his patients over the past ten to fifteen years, with men complaining their wives are “whiney and nagging”

and women complaining about not getting enough sex.) Clinical sex-ologist Janice Epp believes that men are frequently unable to express 110

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anger: “Very often, men enter a relationship with virtually no communication skills. Women are socialized to be communicators and nurturers, so when the inevitable conflicts arise, women want to process and discuss. Many men report they feel backed into a corner. They bury their anger and shut down.”

The only way to try to eliminate hostility is to talk about the issues.

There simply is no other way. The choices become easier if you consider the options: either confront some painful, uncomfortable things, or continue being unhappy until the marriage disintegrates. It’s important to communicate in a way the other person can understand. Let’s consider a common problem—a woman is angry that most of the bur-den of housework falls on her. If she starts with negativity, all her spouse will hear are those first derogatory words. For example, if the conversation begins with “You’re lazy,” that’s all her husband will hear, even though she may go on to logically explain why she feels justified in making the statement. What she should do is express her grievances, and then suggest a solution. For example: “I think the house is messy. I know that this bothers me more than it does you, and maybe it’s because most of the responsibility to clean and do laundry seems to be left up to me. We both work hard, and housework isn’t any fun.

But maybe if we work together for an hour every day, the house will look a lot better, and it would be a lot easier on me.” We are aware that having this type of conversation is unpleasant, and that silence may seem preferable. It’s so much easier to go for a solitary walk or to turn on the television. If the issues are more serious, or one or both partners have difficulty communicating, a therapist or member of the clergy might be of benefit. And sometimes outside help can be a bit more problem specific; for example, hire a maid, or send out the laundry if you can afford to do so. (In the case of our imaginary couple, it would be worthwhile to cut back on
anything
to be able to do this. Do they really need another premium cable channel?) But we can’t say this enough—you won’t solve anything unless you talk to each other, in a way you can both understand. And listen.

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WHAT IF HE WON’T TALK?

The problem about talking is this—often men refuse to do it, particularly when the topic is something that threatens their masculinity.

And, as we mentioned, both men and women can lack the vocabulary and communication skills necessary to talk about sexual starvation.

The following comment is from a 51-year-old woman married for thirty-one years. Her husband, also 51, suffers from erectile dysfunction and rapid ejaculation, and he has difficulty achieving orgasm. He stopped all sexual contact, including hugging and kissing, six years ago.

He claims he has no interest in sex and since he doesn’t, I shouldn’t, either. He says I should just learn to live with it. It is not a topic he will discuss in any way, shape, or form. Discussion on this topic is forbidden. (Female, 51) She requested that her husband go into therapy with her, but he refused. (Forty-four percent of our female respondents said they wanted their husbands to go into couple’s therapy, but were turned down.) We asked Dr. Reinisch how a woman should handle a situation like this, where a husband adamantly refuses therapy and the marriage may end if they don’t get help. She suggests approaching the situation as the mutual problem it is, saying something like: “Sweetie, I understand you’re reluctant to do something about this, but this marriage means so much to me, our relationship and communication on every level means so much. Sexuality means so much to me. I know this problem is ours, so I’m going to take care of my half, I’m going into therapy. You can join me if and when you’re ready.”

Dr. Reinisch believes this almost always works, because “It is a very rare man who can stand the fact that his wife has gone off to couple’s therapy without him.” Why is this? What is he afraid of?

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“That she’s talking about him! And she’s telling both her side and his side.”

Sometimes it’s the woman who refuses therapy. Twenty-five percent of the men who responded to our survey said so. This 51-year-old male has been married to his 51-year-old wife for thirty-two years:

“I am angry at her. She wants to control everything and run the whole marriage. Everything
has
to be done how she wants, when she wants, and she absolutely refuses to discuss sex.” He told us that he asked her repeatedly to go into therapy with him, but she wouldn’t. So he is in therapy alone, and, he says, thinking about having an affair.

JUSTIFIABLE ANGER

There are the small annoyances that get discussed rationally and forgotten quickly in a well-functioning relationship, and then there is deeply justifiable anger. One example of this is the hell of living with an alcoholic or drug-abusive partner who is unwilling to change.

A recently divorced but still furious 50-year-old man says about his 48-year-old ex-wife: “My anger is related to her alcoholism. She fell off the wagon and usually passed out by 8 P.M.”

Long-term alcoholism causes ED, lowers testosterone
production, and destroys testicular cells.

A 51-year-old woman married to a 51-year-old alcoholic for twenty-six years said her husband stopped having sex with her nine years ago.

Frustrated and angry, she has a litany of resentments that goes back decades: “He was disinterested in planning the wedding. He told me

‘I’m not a babysitter’ when I asked him to help out with our firstborn.”

She says that she is seriously considering divorce, but is unsure of anger

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when because of her children. She has also had an affair. She believes her husband is very angry at her

. . . because I have pointed out the alcoholic problems, gone to Al-Anon, have conducted an intervention, told him that I don’t like that he gambles and watches online porn, and that I have forced him to attend counseling. He is angry because I no longer tolerate his verbal abuse.

She also says that her husband “views sex as recreational and cannot understand the need for emotional attachment first.” His pornography “addiction” might be due to impotence, a natural by-product of alcoholism. Large quantities of alcohol prevent erections, and long-term alcoholism causes ED, lowers testosterone production, and destroys testicular cells. Every female survey respondent who mentioned alcoholism also said that her husband suffered from ED.

WITHHOLDING SEX AS PUNISHMENT

Often adults re-create what they learned as children; for example, bad behavior means no dessert. This can result in sex, ideally a loving and pleasurable way to connect with one’s partner, becoming just another commodity to be traded for actions deemed commendable. If she’s a good girl, she may get two helpings, but if she’s bad, like a child sent to the “time-out” room for misbehaving, it’s off to bed without your sex!

I often find myself holding back sexually because I’m too busy remembering ten years of being hurt and rejected and can’t move past it. (Male, 50s)

Infidelity, of course, is the ultimate example of justifiable rage; betrayal produces anger that is understandable and valid. It threatens 114

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the core of the partnership, and if the reason for the infidelity is buried, and the conflict is neither explored nor resolved, the bitterness may last a lifetime. The wounded remain married, and they remain enraged, punishing their partners until death do them part.

This 68-year-old male respondent has been married to his 70-year-old wife for forty-eight years, but stopped having sex with her twenty-three years ago after he caught her in an affair: “We have stayed married but I will have nothing to do with her physically. I am still livid with her.” He says that they plan to “live out our remaining years together,” and when we asked him if he could do anything differently, what it would be, he replied: “Nothing. She made her bed, so now she has to lie in it.” Rage is fueling his self-righteousness. Staying with her allows him to play the role he has become comfortable with, that of a victimized martyr.

And this 68-year-old man has been married to his 66-year-old spouse for forty years. In 1978, she found out that he was having an affair (“I possibly was a sex addict,” he says). This discovery of infidelity was initially positive because the crisis forced him to get help, he promised to be faithful, and the intimate part of their marriage resumed. But then:

All sexual conduct ceased in April 1984. We made love in the morning. That was the last time we were sexually active. She was 44 years old and I was 47. We do not sleep together.

She sleeps in the second-floor bedroom, I in the first-floor family room. In hotels we ask for two queen beds. We both love each other; we just do not have sex and have not for twenty-two years.

When we inquired about the future, he replied that they intended to stay together forever and would hopefully die concurrently in their sleep many years from now. Just not in the same bed.

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Others cannot survive infidelity. A male (60) and his wife (48) divorced because: “She cheated on me more than once, and I lost the desire to have sex with her.” However, he also mentions that he suffers from erectile dysfunction, and “I felt I wasn’t man enough for her anymore due to the fact she cheated.” He’s blaming himself twice—

for his wife’s infidelity and for his own impotence. She is currently married to the man with whom she had the affair.

It is not unusual for a crisis to temporarily result
in restored passion.

And some couples not only survive infidelity, they emerge stronger.

It has recently been theorized that when women become very comfortable in a marriage, and feel that there is no chance that their husband might stray, their libidos drop. Of course, the security of love and fidelity is one of the things that make marriage wonderful, but perhaps too much complacency inadvertently signals disinterest. The following 67-year-old woman loved her 75-year-old husband, but sex was infrequent for three years prior to September 11, 2001, when she discovered he was having an affair. She told us: My husband is the last man on earth that I thought would have an affair besides my dad and maybe Billy Graham. It began online and went on for twenty-one months until 9/11/2001, the day I found out. It actually brought us closer together, and we had the best sex of our entire marriage in 2002–2003, even at our ages. We worked through the problems, but now because of health issues we have lapsed back into the not-too-often routine.
[She said they made love ten times in the past year.]

We do hug and kiss a lot throughout the day. I think we will find 116

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happiness from now on regardless of how often we make love; we will be together until death do us part.

In answer to the question “If you could do things over again, what would you do differently?” she replied, “Try to appreciate him more and let him know it.”

It is not unusual for a crisis to temporarily result in restored passion.

This woman discovered her husband was unfaithful on the most frightening and emotional day in recent American history, and their marriage and the world spun simultaneously out of control. One result of their personal trauma was renewed desire. They both feared losing the other so much that the respondent describes the type of intense passion that generally only appears during the first few months of a new and potentially long-term committed relationship, when brain chemicals might inspire a pair to bond as often as possible in order to facilitate attachment. This probably helped them heal, and also indicates the love they had for each other, despite what happened. This couple also appears to have approached the serious issues of their marriage with maturity and compassion. Realizing all they had to lose, they turned a catastrophe into an opportunity for a better, more loving, and stronger commitment.

Instead of living out their lives filled with bitterness and resentment, they are sharing a renewed sense of love and mutual respect.