Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (7 page)

Some of us reacted to the trauma of sexual
abuse by avoiding sex. This was an attempt to avoid what we feared.
We didn’t want to talk about sex or think about it. We had
difficulty developing relationships, because we were always trying
to avoid sexual intimacy. We were afraid of anyone who wanted to
have sex with us. We feared that every potential partner wanted to
abuse us.

For some of us, avoiding sex took the form of
overeating. We intentionally made ourselves unattractive. Our fear
of sex became so strong that we tried to shut off our sexual
feelings or pretend that we were not sexual beings.

Unfortunately, neither of these approaches
leads to control. A sex addict will become a slave to his/her
urges, and people who avoid sex often end up feeling lonely and
unfulfilled.

Healthy sex lies somewhere between the
extremes. It is unhealthy to avoid sex, but also unhealthy to seek
it out obsessively.

Sexual addictions can turn into a fantasy
about power. We fantasize that we can have anything or anyone we
want.

For many of us, our desire for sexual power
and control is a reaction to how powerless we felt when we were
being abused. Sigmund Freud described “reaction formation” as a
defense mechanism in which a person avoids one position by taking a
polar opposite position. As sex addicts, we avoid the feeling of
sexual powerlessness we experienced during the abuse by seeking
total power and control over our own sexual behaviors.

Some of us become trapped in this unhealthy
reaction to the abuse. We turn to sexually addictive behaviors
whenever we feel powerless for any reason. Any time our jobs seem
too difficult, or things in our life aren’t going according to
plan. Instead of facing our negative feelings and working through
them, we turn to our sexual addiction to try and restore feelings
of power and control.

Sex is an important part of a romantic
relationship. It can lead to greater intimacy and make us feel
better physically, mentally, and emotionally. It’s a great stress
reliever and can create positive changes in our brain
chemistry.

Dopamine is the primary pleasure chemical in
the brain. When we experience orgasm, the level of dopamine that is
active in our brain doubles. We feel a rush of pleasure, not unlike
the rush people experience when using stimulant drugs like
nicotine, caffeine, cocaine, or methamphetamine. It is my belief
that some of us become addicted to the physical rush of pleasure
that occurs during sex. For some of us, sex becomes a physical, as
well as psychological high.

To heal, we must not overlook the physical
component of our addiction. If we are addicted to pleasure
chemicals released by our brain during orgasm, we need to abstain
from having multiple orgasms. If we have unhealthy beliefs about
sex we use to justify or rationalize our addiction, we need to
re-examine our beliefs and challenge whichever ones are
self-defeating.

In my experience as a counselor, I find that
sex addicts often become cross-addicted to other stimulant drugs,
like caffeine, nicotine, cocaine, or methamphetamine. Some sex
addicts snort cocaine or use methamphetamine in order to engage in
prolonged sexual acts with a partner or to achieve multiple
orgasms.

As sex addicts, we will only overcome our
fear of sex, and our obsessive need to control it, by healing the
pain of sexual abuse. Most people who never experienced sexual
abuse do not have the same fear of sex. They do not avoid sex, nor
do they seek it out compulsively. They experience balance in their
sexual lives. We too can experience this balance if we make a
commitment to heal.

Women often experience sexual addiction
differently than men. Female sex addicts go to bars, “sleep
around,” or “hook up” with partners in internet chat-rooms.

For many women, sexual abuse can lead to a
great deal of confusion about their sexuality and how quickly they
should have sex in a relationship. They may feel a lot of pressure
to have sex on the first date.

Many women have a hard time walking that fine
line between flirting enough to keep a man’s interest and becoming
sexual too quickly. This is a double standard that our culture
applies to women. Women are encouraged to be highly sexual in some
situations, but pure and chaste in others. Female sex addicts are
often labeled by our society in negative ways, but tend to receive
a great deal of positive attention from men.

Prostitution is a lifestyle that promises
large financial rewards, but leads to major problems. One of my
female clients told me that prostitution was one of the most
liberating, powerful, and lucrative occupations she’s ever had.
Other female clients told me they experienced a great deal of shame
and guilt about engaging in this behavior.

In general, I find that all addictions lead
to negative consequences. The client who told me how liberated and
powerful she felt as a prostitute wound up spending all of her
money on methamphetamine.

The “adult entertainment industry” promises
large financial rewards, but can also be very damaging to the
participants. Some “porn stars” consent to being abused onscreen
for money. They agree to perform humiliating, degrading, or even
sexually abusive acts because they suffer from low self-esteem.

To break the cycle of abuse, we must learn to
never abuse others or ourselves. This means we do not allow others
to exploit or abuse us sexually, and we never abuse or exploit our
sexual partners.

It is normal to feel angry about what
happened to us, but we need to find healthier ways to release our
anger. When we abuse others or ourselves, we only create more pain
and fear, more shame and guilt.

As sex addicts, some of us tried to
substitute sex for love. During the abuse, we were given sex when
we actually wanted love. As a result, some of us began to confuse
the two in our minds. We may have tried to convince ourselves that
sex was love. But sex is not love, and it cannot satisfy our need
for love. Sexual addiction can actually prevent us from ever
getting the love we truly need.

While sex is a poor substitute for love, it
can feel better than neglect. If an abuser used us for sex, we may
have thought, “Well, at least he/she wanted me for something.” We
decided that being wanted for sex was close enough to being
loved.

But it’s hard to feel good about ourselves
when we’re being used. It’s hard to feel good about ourselves when
we are starving for the love we truly need. Being loved is an
affirmation of who we are, not just “what we’re good for.”

Women who were sexually abused sometimes turn
to prostitution, stripping, or the “adult entertainment industry”
because feeling wanted for sex can feel better than neglect or
abandonment. But “Johns” don’t care who we are. They only care
about the sex we can provide.

When it’s obvious that others don’t care
what’s inside of us, we begin to feel empty. We may begin to fear
that the contents of our hearts will never be recognized or
validated. We need to feel loved. We need to be held up and
cherished for who we are, not just “what we’re good for.”

We are human beings, with our own hearts and
minds. We do not exist for the fulfillment of another person’s
desire, but because God recognizes our true value and wants us to
live.

Is it good enough to be a sexual object? Real
people are worthy of love. Real people are worthy of respect. How
can we make this transition from object to person?

When engaging in sexually addictive
behaviors, we don’t want our sexual conquests to be people at all.
We want them to be objects. We want them to be shallow,
superficial, hypersexual, and eager to please. We want them to be
empty.

We don’t want to know how they’re feeling.
Sex addicts usually feel powerless and harbor a lot of pain. Sexual
providers are hurting too. Yet both try to deny the pain they feel
inside.

An object doesn’t have feelings. That’s why
we treat others and ourselves as objects. Instead of owning our
pain and working through it, we pretend that we feel nothing.

To heal this wound within our soul, we must
learn to nourish ourselves, love ourselves, and allow ourselves to
feel. We are human. We cannot hide from the pain inside of us.
There’s nowhere to run.

Pain is only as powerful as we allow it to
be. When we allow ourselves to release our painful emotions, our
addictions grow weaker with time. Given enough healing, we can
overcome our addiction to sex.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1
:
Sexual Addiction and Broken
Relationships

When I was abused, I wanted love but received
only contempt. Over time, I grew tired of always wanting something
I could never have. So at the age of nine, I began to substitute
something I could have. Something I could control.

Over time, my relationships became
increasingly sexual in nature. I kept trying to convince myself
that sex was just as good as love. I tried to convince myself that
sexual intimacy was just as good as emotional intimacy. But sex
without love is unfulfilling. I was lying to myself. I experienced
a lot of sexual pleasure, but was void of emotional gratification.
Sex always left me wanting more.

My sexual addiction was an effort to convince
myself that I didn’t need true love and intimacy in my life. I had
never received the kind of love I wanted during the abuse, so I
tried to convince myself that I didn’t need it as an adult.

But I do need love.

In the past, not getting the love I needed
was agony. The pain was too much to bear. So I tried to substitute
anything I could to numb the pain. Even when I knew it wouldn’t
work. Even when I knew it was a lie. Even when I knew I was only
hurting myself.

The agony of trying to live without love
fueled my denial, my failed compensations, and my hopelessness.
Without love, I am lost.

I realize now that my past, failed
relationships were the result of my sexual addiction. In the past,
I made stupid, illogical choices. Choices that were based on
getting sex, because I thought that’s all I wanted. I overlooked or
ignored the important parts of a relationship. Things like love,
trust, intimacy, and support.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #2
:
Quitting Sexual Addiction

Sexual addiction is of group of sexual
behaviors that lead to obsessions, compulsions, and shame.

Reasons to quit my sexual addiction:

1. I don’t want to feel so ashamed of
myself.

2. I don’t want to feel so out of
control.

3. I don’t want to keep hurting my
self-esteem.

4. I don’t want to hurt others.

5. I don’t want to abuse my power.

6. I don’t want to keep reliving the pain of
sexual abuse. (My sexually addictive behaviors feel like
re-enacting the abuse.)

7. I want to treat others and myself with
love and respect.

8. I want greater sexual integrity.

When sexually addictive thoughts or feelings
surface in my mind, I will repeat the word “no” over and over
again.

I will remove and avoid all triggers for
addictive sex (pornographic materials, places where I engaged in
sexually addictive behavior, etc...)

Exercise
6-1

Reprogramming
Sexual
Beliefs

This is a list of commonly held, false
beliefs about sexuality. Each is followed by a healthier
alternative.

1. Sex is an explosion of rage, and a way to
vent my angry feelings.

-No, sex is an expression of love. It is a
way to give others joy or pleasure.

2. It’s okay to meet my sexual needs at the
expense of others. It doesn’t matter if I neglect their feelings,
betray them, or use them for sex.

-No, it is never okay to meet my sexual needs
at another person’s expense. I need to give my sexual partners
respect and always consider their feelings.

3. Having many shallow, sexual encounters
makes me powerful.

-No, having many shallow, sexual encounters
makes me a sex addict.

4. Having many sexual partners means I am
desirable.

-No, having many sexual partners means that I
don’t feel I deserve to get the love I need in a safe, healthy
relationship.

5. I will use sex to make myself feel
better.

-Sex is not medicine. If I often feel
depressed, anxious, nervous, or upset, I need to seek counseling,
get medication for depression or anxiety, and learn to express my
feelings in a healthy way without always turning to sex.

6. If I have sex with enough people, I will
feel better about having been abused.

-No, the more promiscuous I become, the worse
I will feel about myself.

Process Questions

How healthy were my past sexual
experiences?

How do I feel about the way I have expressed
myself sexually?

If I expressed my sexuality in an unhealthy
or addictive way, what would I like to change?

What steps could I take to quit my unhealthy
sexual behaviors? (Go to a 12-step meeting, work on sexual abuse
issues, journal about my feelings, take medication for depression
or anxiety, talk to a counselor, change my beliefs about sexuality,
etc…)

How will stopping my unhealthy sexual
behavior improve my self-esteem?

Stepping Stones to Health

Sexual Addiction

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I am a sex addict, and I don’t want
to change.