Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (3 page)

_____ 8. I’m tired of the pain in my life,
and I want to do something about it. But I’m so addicted and
depressed that I don’t know where to begin. I don’t know if I have
the courage to do this.

_____ 9. I have attempted to change an
addiction or behavior and it’s difficult. I’m experiencing a lot of
feelings I’m uncomfortable with.

_____ 10. I have overcome an addiction or
behavior and realize that there is hope for me. If I can heal one
aspect of the sexual abuse, I can probably heal another.

_____ 11. I have bought some books on healing
sexual abuse, joined a support group, or begun counseling for my
sexual abuse issues. I am starting to get serious about
healing.

_____ 12. I am committed to working through
my issues. I know it will take time, but it can be done. I will
spend whatever time I need to heal my pain, because I see how much
it benefits my self-esteem, my relationships, and my life.

Chapter 2
–
Goals

“We cannot afford to give up on our goals,
because we cannot

afford to give up on ourselves.”

-Jason Goodwin

Alcoholics Anonymous urges us to take our
lives “one day at a time.” We need to focus on the problems we face
today before we can address the problems that may arise tomorrow.
Sometimes, when we are living in a period of intense crisis, we may
even be better off living one minute at a time.

Problems can feel overwhelming when we try to
take on too much at once. Yet there comes a time when we need to
plan for a better future. Without direction, our lives can feel
meaningless. When we get trapped in this hopeless place, we only
have ourselves to blame.

Responsibility is the key to action, to hope,
and to self-esteem. Yes, we need support from others. We may need
God or our higher power to show us the way. But at the end of the
day, it is still up to us.

It’s important to remember that the goals we
set for ourselves should be realistic. I engaged in a year of
intense self-examination before writing the material for this book.
And before that, I was acting out my sexual abuse issues for over
33 years.

When defining our goals, it’s important to
keep in mind the challenges we face. Sexual abuse often leads to
low self-esteem, drug and alcohol abuse, sexual addiction, abusive
and/or unfulfilling relationships, depression, flashbacks to the
trauma or abuse, extreme emotional “ups” and “downs,” guilt, shame,
fear, mistrust, poor self-care, feelings of powerlessness, deep
feelings of pain and grief, a distorted body image, overeating,
under-eating, anger at God, and feelings of hopelessness. Sexual
abuse creates a lot of wreckage in our lives.

Maybe our goal is to feel better. Maybe we
want to be able to choose healthier relationships. Perhaps we
strive to become more stable and reliable at work. Some of us want
to stop experiencing flashbacks or nightmares about the abuse. We
may be killing ourselves with drugs and alcohol, or endangering our
health with risky sexual behaviors. Whatever our motivation, it is
critically important that we set clear, realistic goals for our
recovery.

This book covers many of the issues we
struggle with as survivors of sexual abuse, and while it is
important to heal all of our issues eventually, we need to take our
process at a reasonable pace to avoid getting overwhelmed. Having
the patience to heal requires an unwavering commitment to the
betterment our lives.

Every goal is attainable as long as it is
realistic. The key to goal attainment is perseverance. We cannot
afford to give up on our goals, because we cannot afford to give up
on ourselves. We deserve better.

Healing sexual abuse operates on the concept
of merit-based pay. We only get what we work for. There is no magic
wand, and if we play a waiting game with these issues, we may find
ourselves on our deathbeds some day with all of these problems
still intact. I try to imagine the issues of sexual abuse as a sack
of garbage we are carrying around with us. Until we finally choose
to put it down and empty it out, that sack continues to fill. When
it gets too heavy, we can’t lift it anymore, and we break down
emotionally.

Dumping my emotional garbage is the best
feeling I’ve ever had. To be able to get through the day feeling
relatively carefree is an amazing gift. But it can only happen if
we continually work to release our negative feelings. When we stop
working our process, the garbage of our issues begins to refill
that bag.

I want you to look honestly at your life and
try to identify if there are ways the abuse of your past still
affects your life today. I want you to come up with goals for your
recovery process. I want you to make a commitment that you will
never give up. The goals we set for ourselves are the path we take
out of despair and into a better future.

Exercise
2-1

Setting Goals

-After reading the example on the following
page, set at least 5 goals for your healing process. Possibilities
might include having healthier relationships, going back to school,
quitting an addiction, or improving your self-esteem. Try to expand
each of the goals you set for yourself by answering the following
questions.

1. What is my goal?

2. How would my life change if I were to
accomplish this goal?

3. Is this goal realistic? Do I have a
reasonable chance of success?

4. What are the steps I must take in order to
bring this goal to fruition? (Think through every step you will
need to take on your path to success.)

5. What are some of the things that might
frustrate my attempts to reach my goal? (Think about obstacles or
problems that may hinder your progress while you try to make this
goal a reality.)

6. How much time will it realistically take
to accomplish my goal? (Goals usually take longer than we think
they will.)

7. How much money will it realistically take
to accomplish my goal? (Goals often cost more money than we think
they will.)

8. What kind of effort, patience, and
persistence must I exhibit to accomplish my goal?

9. Can I make a commitment to following
through with my goal, regardless of the obstacles or frustrations I
will likely experience?

Example of a Goal-Setting
Exercise
:

What follows below is an overly ambitious
example, but I hope it gives you an idea of how to break down our
goals into simple tasks we can accomplish on a daily basis. A
severely depressed person might answer the above questions in the
following way.

1. My goal is to feel less depressed.

2. I would take better care of myself, make
new friends, and get out more. I would feel happier, more
productive, lose or gain weight, have a cleaner house, and feel
increasingly motivated to succeed.

3. This is a realistic goal if I am willing
to take better care of myself, exercise, work on positive thinking,
become more socially active, take antidepressant medication, and
pursue therapy.

4. Day one: I will set my alarm and get out
of bed by 9:00 a.m. I will take a shower, comb my hair, change my
clothes, and make myself look nice instead of sleeping in or moping
around the house. I will take my dog for a walk and get out into
the sunlight. When I get back, I will look in the yellow pages for
a place to exercise.

Day two: I will set my alarm and get out of
bed by 9:00 a.m. I will do all the things I did yesterday. I will
also call a gym about the cost of membership and visit that
facility to pay my fees or determine how much money I will need to
save. I will find a time that works for my schedule and start
working out as soon as possible.

Day three: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m.
and do all the things I did for the past two days. Additionally, I
will make a trip to the bookstore to purchase a book on positive
thinking, such as The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent
Peale. I will set myself a goal of reading one chapter every day
before I go to work.

Day four: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m.
and continue to do all the things I have been doing to stay
positive. I will contact a doctor or psychiatrist to get a
screening for depression. I will also contact someone I haven’t
spoken to for a while and go out for dinner.

Day five: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m.
and continue to do all the things I have been doing to stay
positive. Additionally, I will follow through on my appointment
with my doctor or psychiatrist and try a few different
antidepressant medications to determine which one does the best job
of lowering my depression. I will continue to take this medication
until any side-effects wear off, and give each medication a fair
chance of working.

Day six: I will get out of bed by 9:00 a.m.
and continue to do all of the things I have been doing to stay
positive. I will also check the yellow pages for a counselor
qualified to treat depression, and set up my first appointment.

Day seven: (Etc…)

Process
Questions

What are some of the ways that my sexual
abuse issues continue to negatively affect my life or my goals?
(Relationships, self-esteem, career, family, sex-life, self-care,
relationship with God, etc…)

How do I feel about the ways the sexual abuse
is negatively affecting my life and my goals?

What goals do I want to set for myself as I
begin this healing process?

What good things might happen to me if I heal
the pain of sexual abuse?

How can I process my feelings about the ways
the sexual abuse has negatively affected my life? (Sit with my
feelings, cry, release my anger in a healthy way, do some
journaling, talk to someone about how I feel, etc…)

Stepping Stones to Health

Goals

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I have no goals for healing the
sexual abuse.

_____ 2. I would like to feel better, but I
don’t know where to start.

_____ 3. I want to gain sobriety from an
addiction or addictions.

_____ 4. I want to have healthier
relationships in the future.

_____ 5. I would like to heal the pain of my
past so that I don’t feel so terrible all the time.

_____ 6. I want to heal, but I’m not sure if
I’m willing to do the work it takes to get healthy.

_____ 7. I am committed to working through
the pain of sexual abuse. My goal is to have healthy relationships
in the future with myself, with others, and with God.

Chapter 3
–
Healing
Techniques

“Healing is a matter of time, but it is
sometimes also a matter of opportunity.”

-Hippocrates

There are many techniques we can employ to
assist us in healing the pain of sexual abuse. Instead of picking
one or two, I urge you to consider them all, and use every tool
that is available to you. This healing process may be the biggest
challenge of your life.

As survivors, the fear that we are somehow
damaged or defective can actually interfere with our healing
process. I resisted taking antidepressants for the first 33 years
of my life because I fought so hard against the idea that there was
something wrong with me. Never mind that depression runs in my
family or that my grandmother took antidepressants for the second
half of her life. Every morning, I woke up feeling depressed for no
apparent reason. I had low appetite, weight loss, and all the
symptoms of major depression. But I was in denial, and no one was
going to give me “crazy pills.”

No offense to myself, but I was being an
idiot. My depression has a physical cause. As such, it demands a
physical solution. I would have no problem wrapping gauze around a
bleeding knee, so why was I having such a hard time taking a pill
that would boost a natural neurotransmitter in my brain?

About midway through my healing process, I
decided to try antidepressants. My mother had been urging me for
years to at least give them a try, and a nurse practitioner started
me on a newer antidepressant with very low side-effects. For me,
the difference was life-changing. I woke up in a normal mood, and
could then experience good and bad days just like everyone
else.

Antidepressants do not make you happy. That
is your responsibility. They simply correct a chemical imbalance in
your brain so you can experience a normal range of emotions.

Sometimes we can be our own worst enemies.
Healing the pain of sexual abuse requires action. Positive thinking
can help, but it is often not enough. We must demonstrate love for
ourselves by utilizing all of the healing techniques available to
us.

To begin my list of techniques, I want to
start with counseling. This book is not a replacement for therapy.
Ideally, you would be working to process your issues with a
therapist you see on a weekly basis. Counseling is an ideal
opportunity to discuss your issues with someone who will listen to
you, guide you, and encourage you without judgment. Your
relationship with your therapist can be very helpful. I am a
therapist myself, and I have been to therapy several times in my
life. I hope you give yourself a chance to experience the
therapeutic relationship. Going to counseling does not mean you are
crazy. It just means that you have the courage to do something
about your problems.

(A note to counselors: I often use this book
with clients who are survivors of sexual abuse. First, I ask the
client to read a chapter on their own and complete the exercises.
In the following therapy session, we take turns reading aloud and
stop frequently to discuss how the material relates to that
client’s personal issues. We finish by discussing their answers to
the process questions or the exercises.)