Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (4 page)

If you were sexually abused, you may suffer
from posttraumatic stress disorder. As described by the DSM-IV-TR
(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders),
posttraumatic stress disorder occurs in people who “experienced,
witnessed, or were confronted with an event or events that involved
actual or threatened serious injury, or a threat to the physical
integrity of self or others. The person’s response involved intense
fear, helplessness, or horror.”

It goes on to say that, “the traumatic event
is persistently re-experienced in one or more of the following
ways: 1. Recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the
event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. 2. Recurrent
distressing dreams of the event. 3. Acting or feeling as if the
traumatic events were recurring. 4. Intense psychological distress
at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble
an aspect of the traumatic event. 5. Physiological reactivity on
exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an
aspect of the traumatic event.”

It says that there are, “Persistent symptoms
of increased arousal, as indicated by two or more of the following:
1. Difficulty falling or staying asleep. 2. Irritability or
outbursts of anger. 3. Difficulty concentrating. 4.
Hyper-vigilance. 5. Exaggerated startle response.”

I, like many of you, have experienced
flashbacks to the abuse. There is a new technique available to
people who suffer from posttraumatic stress disorder called Eye
Movement Desensitization and Reprogramming (EMDR). There are
trained therapists who utilize in this technique, which works by
synchronizing the left and right hemispheres of the brain. EMDR
often results in a reduction in the frequency and intensity of
flashbacks.

Another healing technique I found to be
helpful was acupuncture. When I was feeling very emotional or
traumatized, I took full advantage of the free acupuncture that was
offered to the employees where I worked. Acupuncture was a part of
the recovery program for alcoholics and addicts, as it has been
shown to significantly reduce cravings and withdrawal symptoms when
addicts are attempting to get sober. It also reduces stress.

Deep relaxation is another excellent way to
relieve anxiety. I often spend an hour in the evening listening to
relaxing music. I use candles for mood lighting, and do deep
breathing exercises until I feel very calm. I often feel more
energetic and mentally focused the next day.

To handle feelings of loneliness, I decided
to get a dog. Waiting for me at the kennel was William Wallace, a
three-month old miniature dachshund with a heart of gold.
Throughout the last five years, Willie has sat on my lap as I cried
and processed my issues. He has never failed to love me, and he has
always been there for me when I needed him. He still puts a smile
on my face. Willie is a little ball of energy, and is one of the
warmest, most loving souls I have ever known.

Another powerful tool in my healing process
was the martial art, Tae Kwon Do. I experienced a lot of anger
about having been sexually abused, and Tae Kwon Do gave me a
positive, safe way to release my angry feelings. I experience a
rush of endorphins when I do marital arts, and the norepinephrine
(a neurotransmitter in the brain that is enhanced through
exercise), helps to lift me out of depression and feel more
positive. Any type of exercise that increases your heart rate for
at least 15 minutes, three times per week, will have a similar
effect on your body and your brain. In addition, exercise is a very
effective method of relieving stress.

Another important healing technique is
engaging in healthy social activity. Going to church, having fun
with a group of people who share common interests, or pursuing our
hobbies can make us feel more connected, more supported, and
relieve feelings of loneliness and isolation. All of us need
positive social interactions with others. Having friends and people
in the community to share our lives with is essential to our
well-being.

Journaling has been a mainstay of my healing
process. While I was working on sexual abuse issues, I wrote in my
journal on an almost daily basis. To process all of my issues, it
was essential for me to keep an open line of communication with
myself. Journaling helps survivors of sexual abuse to work through
the whirlwind of thoughts, feelings, struggles, and fears that we
experience.

I have also gone for many, long walks. When
difficult thoughts and feelings are swirling around inside my head,
I need a way to release my energy. The physical motion of walking
helps me to process and move through my issues. As I keep walking
and keep moving, my thoughts, feelings, and issues keep moving as
well.

Finally, I want to discuss what I call
“emotional meltdowns.” There are times when I have felt so
powerless, so victimized, and so sensitive that I could not handle
the stress of work. I never lost a job because of it. I never fell
off the face of the earth, “freaked out,” or attempted suicide. But
I did call in sick. It is important to recognize when you are
feeling overwhelmed and take time to take care of yourself. Call it
a wellness day if you like, but be good to yourself and be
kind.

Survivors of sexual abuse have to handle some
very intense challenges. It isn’t always easy to face our trauma
and our fear. That’s why we need a back-up plan. Make sure you know
what to do if you get into emotional trouble. Have the phone
numbers of people you can call in case of emergency. Seek help from
therapists, doctors, or even the police. If you know your limits,
you can plan accordingly, and this healing process does not have to
negatively affect other areas of your life.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #1: Healing Sexual Abuse

I have wanted to get into a relationship,
thinking it would magically solve my problems. But that is crazy
thinking. What causes my depression, self-hatred, fear, anger, low
self-esteem, and feelings of unworthiness?

It is the pain of sexual abuse. The only
solution is to heal my pain. Hiding behind a relationship or an
addiction will never solve my problems.

How can I heal the pain of sexual abuse?

1. By Loving Myself

2. By Grieving

3. By Letting Go Of The Past

4. By Allowing My Feelings

5. By Stopping My Self-Sabotage

Process
Questions

What are some of the misguided ways I’ve
tried to handle the pain of sexual abuse in the past? (Using
drugs/alcohol, avoiding the issue, relying on people in intimate
relationships to make me feel better about myself,
prostitution/pornography, etc…)

How well have these misguided approaches
worked for me? Did they ever cause more problems than they
solved?

What are some healthy techniques I can use
now to heal the pain of sexual abuse?

What is one thing I can start doing
differently right away that will help me feel better about
myself?

Stepping Stones to Health

Healing Techniques

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I do not use any healing techniques
to work on my sexual abuse issues.

_____ 2. I have tried to think positive about
my situation in the past.

_____ 3. I have bought or read self-help or
informational books on the subject of sexual abuse.

_____ 4. I have employed journaling, the
process of writing down my thoughts and

feelings, to help me work through my sexual
abuse issues.

_____ 5. I have spoken with other survivors
of sexual abuse and exchanged ideas on

how to cope with my issues.

_____ 6. I have used exercise as a means of
helping myself feel more emotionally

stable.

_____ 7. I have used meditation, acupuncture,
spirituality, or other means of

healing.

_____ 8. I have used medication, when
necessary, to help me deal with depression or other mental health
issues.

_____ 9. I have seen or am seeing a
therapist, and am using EMDR or other therapeutic techniques to
help overcome my post-traumatic stress disorder.

_____ 10. I am willing to use every healing
technique that is available to work through my sexual abuse issues,
and I recognize that each one has something unique to offer.

Chapter 4
–
Chemical Addiction

“People who drink to drown their sorrow should be
told that sorrow knows

how to swim.”

-Ann Landers

Chemical addictions are often the result of
prolonged physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain. Most of
us drink or use drugs because we want to change the way we feel.
Other times, we drink or use because we want to numb out and feel
nothing at all.

Low self-esteem is common in people with
chemical addictions. People with high self-esteem do not drink,
slam, snort, smoke, or eat themselves to death. Low self-esteem
makes it easier for us to engage in these self-destructive
behaviors.

Getting drunk and vomiting blood is not a
good time. Selling our bodies to get money for dope is not a party.
Suffering from bronchitis for months on end because we can’t quit
smoking is not fun or relaxing. Chemical addictions are a way to
hurt ourselves, not to help ourselves.

I know many of you never thought of your drug
or alcohol use as self-destructive, but the truth is, we do not
continue to drink or use addictively when we care about our
health.

Some of us spent so many years
self-medicating with alcohol and drugs that we lost touch with our
feelings. When we get sober, we may experience a flood of emotions
or have difficulty feeling anything at all.

Whenever we drink, smoke, slam, or snort, we
are trading our health and self-esteem for the rush of a quick
high. On a subconscious level, many of us are trying to numb our
pain and punish ourselves at the same time. What I have learned in
my years as an addict, and later an addictions counselor, is that
our true motives are; 1) to feel better, 2) to feel nothing at all,
or 3) to injure or kill ourselves.

When I discuss the death instinct with my
clients, they invariably react with shock and denial. “I’m not
trying to kill myself,” they claim. “I want to feel better. I like
drinking/smoking/snorting. It makes me feel good.”

But it doesn’t feel good to wake up in a
stranger’s bed because we blacked out and lost control of our
sexual urges. It doesn’t feel good when we sell our personal
belongings or borrow money from friends or relatives to get our
next fix. Most of us don’t start out that way, but as our
addictions progress, we eventually find ourselves doing many of the
things we said we never would. Addictions grow increasingly
destructive the longer we continue to drink and use.

The signs of self-destruction are everywhere
in an addict’s life. Our performance at work is suffering. Our
relationships are falling apart. Our health is deteriorating. We
become trapped in a destructive, downward spiral.

When an addict says that drinking or using
“makes me feel good,” what they’re really saying is that feeling
nothing at all is better than the pain they usually feel. It’s time
to put to rest the illusion that our addictions can help us heal
our pain. Addictions cannot and do not heal emotional pain. In
fact, they actually prolong it.

I often tell my clients that feelings want to
be felt. While it may seem strange to personify our feelings, it’s
true. When we deny our feelings or try to suppress them, they only
build up inside of us. Our emotional burdens grow heavier the
longer we continue to act out our self-destructive behavior.

Eventually, we may experience a nervous
breakdown. Raw, nervous energy explodes from within. We cry,
scream, act hysterical, and lose touch with reality.

There is a way out, and the solution is
simple. Feel your feelings. When you feel angry, release your anger
in a healthy way. Martial arts, exercise, or talking with someone
about the way you feel are all healthy ways to express anger.

When you feel sad, allow yourself to cry or
grieve the loss you have experienced.

Of course, there is a reason we suppressed
these painful feelings in the first place. Painful emotions can
seem overwhelming. We may need to set a limit on how much we allow
ourselves to experience at any given time. We may need to tell
ourselves, “Today, I am going to allow myself to cry for 30
minutes. After that, I will put my feelings aside for a while and
do something else, like running or gardening.” We may need to spend
time with friends or go to an AA/NA meeting. Try to find supportive
people in your life that you can rely on during the difficult
times.

Allowing ourselves to feel our pain can seem
frightening at first, but eventually, that pain passes through us
and out of us. Emotions are not a bottomless pit. Many people have
committed to a recovery program, allowed themselves to experience
their painful emotions, and become healthier as a result. Don’t be
afraid to ask for help. AA/NA meetings, sponsors, therapists,
family, and friends can be great sources of support. If things get
really difficult and you need to check into a hospital or
rehabilitation center for a while, that’s okay. Most of us need
help overcoming our addictions. Recovery is worth the effort.

People who work a truly effective recovery
program learn to accept their feelings. They are animated and alive
because when they’re happy, you know it, when they’re sad, they
show it, and they don’t feel guilty about having feelings
anymore.