Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (8 page)

_____ 2. I have experienced some discomfort
with the way I express myself sexually.

_____ 3. I have had some consequences
(financial problems, problems with relationships, problems with
self-esteem, contracted a sexually transmitted disease, lost
respect for myself, felt guilty or ashamed, committed adultery or
criminal behavior), but I still don’t want to quit.

_____ 4. I am unhappy with my sexual behavior
and I want to change, but I don’t know where to begin.

_____ 5. I have read self-help books or
looked for information about sexual addiction.

_____ 6. I am actively working on my sexual
abuse issues, and this is helping me to understand my unhealthy
sexual behavior.

_____ 7. I have attended a 12-step meeting or
my first counseling session and am beginning to discuss issues of
sexual addiction.

_____ 8. I am willing to do whatever it takes
to change my addictive sexual behavior.

Chapter 7
–
Dealing With Pain

“One word frees us of all the weight and pain
of life: That word is love.”

-Sophocles

Survivors of sexual abuse often experience a
lot of pain. Most of this pain is emotional in nature, and can be
very intense. At some point, we may have discovered ways to avoid
our pain. We may have numbed our feelings with alcohol, drugs, or
other compulsive behaviors.

Pleasure seeking is normal to an extent. We
all enjoy an occasional chocolate sundae or a vacation lying on the
beach. This behavior only becomes unhealthy when we go to extremes
or do things that hurt others or ourselves.

At some point, pleasure seeking turns into pain
avoidance. We compulsively seek pleasure to mask the terrible pain
we feel inside. When we try to avoid our pain by going to extremes
with pleasure, our pain actually intensifies over time. We create
new hurts and new wounds.

If we were sexually abused, turning to an
addiction to numb our pain is like trying to cover a lethal wound
with a band-aid. It seals in the dirt and the germs. Without proper
care, our wounds begin to spread. They may engulf areas of our
lives that were once healthy.

Unresolved pain can consume our self-esteem,
our energy, our emotional stability, our sobriety, our
relationships, and our health. When we are wounded, we need to cry.
We need to release our pain, our grief, and our sorrow.

What follows is an exercise that may help you
identify any wounds from the past you still need to heal.

Exercise 7-1

Identifying Pain

-Try to identify any past or current sources
of pain in your life. Think about each entry, and place a check by
any of the items that still cause you pain.

Pain From Past Or Current
Abuse
:

_____ 1. Pain From Sexual Abuse

_____ 2. Pain From Physical Abuse

_____ 3. Pain From Emotional Abuse

_____ 4. Pain From Verbal Abuse

_____ 5. Pain From Mental Abuse (Mind
Games)

_____ 6. Pain From Spiritual Abuse (Misuse of
Spiritual Authority)

_____ 7. Pain From Abandonment

_____ 8. Pain From Neglect

_____ 9. Pain From Disrespect

_____ 10. Pain From Abusive Criticism

Pain From A Past Or Current
Loss
:

_____ 1. Loss Of A Loved One

_____ 2. Loss Of A Romantic Relationship

_____ 3. Loss Of A Job

_____ 4. Loss Of A Friendship

_____ 5. Loss Of Safety Or Security

_____ 6. Loss Of A Way Of Life

_____ 7. Loss Of Self-Esteem

_____ 8. Loss Of A Belief-System

_____ 9. Loss Of Your Dreams

_____ 10. Loss Of A Belief That This World Is
A Safe Place

_____ 11. Loss Of Money/Financial

_____ 12. Loss Of A
Home/Residence/Security

_____ 13. Loss Of Your Childhood/Grew Up Too
Fast

_____ 14. Loss Of Health/Functioning

Pain From A Past Or Current
Relationship With
:

_____ 1. Spouse Or Significant Other

_____ 2. Family Member

_____ 3. Yourself

_____ 4. Your Spirit

_____ 5. God

_____ 6. The Opposite Sex

_____ 7. Ex-Husband/Wife/Boy/Girlfriend

_____ 8. Society

_____ 9. Boss

_____ 10. Co-workers

_____ 11. Teachers

_____ 12. Authority Figures

Pain From An Unfulfilled
Desire For
:

_____ 1. Safety/Security

_____ 2. Self-Esteem

_____ 3. Enough Money

_____ 4. Good Relationships

_____ 5. Good Job

_____ 6. Stronger Spirituality

_____ 7. Better Sex-Life

_____ 8. Love

_____ 9. Loving Parents

_____ 10. Happy Childhood

_____ 11. Safe Touch

_____ 12. Intimacy

Pain From Fear
:

_____ 1. Fear Of Death

_____ 2. Fear Of Loss

_____ 3. Fear Of Abuse

_____ 4. Fear Of An Abuser

_____ 5. Fear Of Trauma

_____ 6. Fear Of Violence

Pain From Being Judged In
The Past Or Present
:

_____ 1. For Your Race

_____ 2. For Your Gender

_____ 3. For Your Sexual Orientation

_____ 4. By The Church/Judgmental Pastors

_____ 5. For Being An Addict

_____ 6. For Not Being Perfect

_____ 7. By Your Parents

_____ 8. For Being A Survivor Of Sexual
Abuse

Pain From Past Or Current
Conditional Love
: “You Can Have My/Our Love:”

_____ 1. If You’re Perfect

_____ 2. If You Make Me/Us Happy

_____ 3. If You Shut Up

_____ 4. If You “Keep The Secret”

_____ 5. If You Don’t Show Your Feelings

_____ 6. If You “Do It Right”

_____ 7. If You Don’t Challenge Me/Us

_____ 8. If You “Play The Game”

_____ 9. If You Get Good Grades

_____ 10. If You’re Working

_____ 11. If You Do What I Say

_____ 12. If You Take Care of Me

Pain From Past Or Current
Conditions
:

_____ 1. Addiction

_____ 2. Mental Health Issues (Depression,
Anxiety, etc…)

_____ 3. Physical Appearance

_____ 4. Obesity

_____ 5. Other Health Conditions - List:

_________________________________

_________________________________

_________________________________

It can take time to develop the strength and
courage we need to face our pain. Ironically, it is often the pain
of our past traumas that rob us of the strength we need to heal. We
may have felt weak and powerless in the past. We may have felt like
victims of circumstance.

When we feel too weak or afraid to face our
pain, we abandon hope. We stop caring about ourselves, neglect our
needs, and place ourselves in situations where, subconsciously, we
know we will be abused.

Some of us learn to hate our own weaknesses
so much that we begin to victimize ourselves. We develop a victim
pattern or mindset. We become trapped in despair. It’s as if we’re
on the bottom of the ocean with the weight of a thousand tons of
water pressing down on top of us.

When we finally allow ourselves to feel our
pain, we may start to think of all the ways we’ve been hurt in the
past. We project our fears into the future and believe that bad
things will happen to us again. We convince ourselves that we will
lose another job or become trapped in another abusive relationship.
The more we think about the ways we were victimized by people or
circumstances in the past, the more depressed and despondent we
become.

We create self-fulfilling prophecies by
subconsciously attracting people we know will abuse us. We exhibit
body language that tells others we are victims. When we feel like
victims, we often look like victims too. We slouch and thrust our
shoulders forward to protect our heart. We shuffle our feet, look
down at the ground, and avoid eye contact.

Fear is like a storm. It’s as if the clouds
have gathered and we’ve heard the thunder rolling in. Before too
long, we’re all wet. Shivering in the cold, we stare up at the
heavens, expecting to be struck by a random bolt of lightning.

We get trapped in a victim mentality when we
believe we will continue to be abused and there is nothing we can
do to stop it. We feel weak and powerless. We have a single-minded
focus on the negative. We keep repeating self-destructive behaviors
and attracting negative outcomes for our lives.

What is the way out of this mindset? What is
the way through the storm? How can we get past this fear that
ravages our bodies, minds, and emotions?

Fear of victimization is fear of pain. And
unfortunately, pain is a necessary part of life. There is no way to
avoid feeling some pain.

Painful things have happened in our past.
Painful things will continue to happen in our future. Yet it is
often the pain in life that pushes us to grow. As any mother will
tell you, giving birth can be extremely painful. But most mothers
will also tell you it was worth it. How could the miracle of life
exist without the pain of birth?

Pain is always temporary. It will heal with
enough time, attention, love, and care. We do not have to remain
trapped in our pain.

It is important to recognize when we are
feeling like victims. Sometimes we feel victimized by abusers,
abusive relationships, people that deceived us, parents that
abandoned us, or jobs that didn’t work out. And though the
circumstances of our lives can seem painful and demoralizing, we
need to remember that we will only become trapped in our negative
emotions if we try to avoid them.

Our fear of the pain is often worse than the
pain itself. When we feel afraid, we should allow ourselves to
physically shake. When we feel sad, we should allow ourselves to
cry. It is only when we accept and allow our negative feelings that
we can move through them.

The process of facing and releasing our pain
moves us from a victim mentality to a more balanced, positive way
of thinking. It’s important to take this process slowly and
carefully. We want to avoid trying to do too much at once. We need
to take whatever time is necessary to move through our pain and our
grief in a safe and gentle way.

We need to remember that emotions are simply
energy in motion. Pain is an energy that passes through us and out
of us when we allow ourselves to feel it. Healthy ways to work
through our pain include talking to a non-judgmental friend, AA/NA
sponsor, pastor, or counselor about how we feel. We can journal
about our feelings and allow ourselves to cry.

How would it feel to be free from the pain of
our past? Would we become happier? Would we get our lives back?
Could we recover from addiction? Could it lead to healthier and
more fulfilling relationships?

When we stop feeling like victims, we stop
looking like victims. We stand up straight with our shoulders back.
We take full strides, hold our heads high, and make eye contact
with whomever we meet.

Allowing ourselves to feel our pain and move
through it is an investment in our future. When we allow ourselves
to release the pain we feel, we begin to grow, change, and move
forward with out lives.

Exercise 7-2

Positive Ways To Deal With Your Pain

1. Allow yourself to cry and feel your pain
alone or with a supportive family member, friend, pastor, or
counselor.

2. Talk about your pain with a supportive
family member, friend, pastor, or counselor.

3. Journal or write about your pain, and get
it out on paper.

4. Write a letter to your abuser that
expresses your true feelings, and decide later whether or not you
want to deliver it.

5. Express and release your pain in artistic
ways. Music, woodworking, sculpting, painting, and dancing can be
very positive emotional outlets.

6. Build your pain out of clay, then smash
it, break it up, and tear it apart.

7. Learn how others dealt with their pain
through spiritual study. Analyze stories from the bible like the
book of Job.

8. Learn to spend 15 minutes a day just
feeling your pain and not blocking it in any way.

9. Work to transform your pain into positive
goals for your future. Try to learn from your painful experiences,
and use them to transform your life into something more
positive.

10. Work to transform your pain into positive
goals for your relationships. Use the painful experiences of your
past to define what you want and don’t want from your future
relationships.

11. Understand that pain is limited. When we
allow ourselves to feel and release our pain, we will eventually
get through it.

Chapter 8
–
Relapse

“Recovery is a process, not an event.”

-Alcoholics Anonymous

To relapse means to return to active
addiction after making a commitment to a recovery program and
lifestyle change. Relapse can happen to the most committed
recovering alcoholic/addict. The purpose of this chapter is to
reassure you that a relapse is not the end of the world. Many
people use a “slip” as an excuse to return to active addiction.
Difficult emotions are scary. That’s why we suppressed them for so
long with alcohol, drugs, food, or sex.

The truth is that we can’t avoid our negative
feelings. When we try to suppress them, they build up inside of us
like water behind a dam. Removing the control valve of our
addiction can lead to a flood of emotion. When I quit smoking
cigarettes, I felt angry and depressed for a full year.

This flood of emotion can seem unsettling at
first, but in time that flood becomes a stream, and the stream
becomes a trickle. If our true goal is health and sobriety, then a
relapse is simply a bump in the road.