Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (2 page)

Feelings Table Of Contents

-I feel hopeless:

A) Hope

-I feel angry about sexual abuse or having no
control:

A) Grieving

B) Fear

C) Control

D) Anger

E) Betrayal

F) Trust

G) Forgiving

-I feel angry with people because they
betrayed me:

A) Fear

B) Control

C) Anger

D) Betrayal

E) Trust

F) Forgiving

-I feel angry with God because of the
abuse:

A) Low Self-Esteem

B) Anger

C) Betrayal

-I feel like abusing drugs/alcohol:

A) Chemical Addiction

B) Dealing With Pain

C) Relapse

D) Self-Sabotage

E) Fear

F) Control

G) Anger

-I feel like turning to addictive sexual
behaviors:

A) Sexual Addiction

B) Healing Sexual Addiction

C) Dealing With Pain

D) Relapse

E) Self-Sabotage

F) Fear

G) Control

H) Anger

-I don’t want to get healthy:

A) Dealing With Pain

B) Self-Sabotage

-I spend too much time alone:

A) Dealing With Pain

B) Relapse

C) Self-Sabotage

D) Depression

E) Grieving

-I feel sad or depressed:

A) Hope

B) Goals

C) Dealing With Pain

D) Relapse

E) Self-Sabotage

F) Body Image

G) Beyond Shame & Guilt

H) Depression

I) Grieving

J) The Inner Child

K) Deserving Love

-I feel like a victim of my past:

A) Dealing With Pain

B) Inner Child

C) Betrayal

-I feel afraid:

A) Goals

B) Powerlessness

C) Fear

D) Control

-I feel stressed or worried:

A) Grieving

B) Fear

C) Control

D) Self-Care

-I feel bad about myself:

A) Relapse

B) Self-Sabotage

C) Body Image

D) Low Self-Esteem

E) High Self-Esteem

F) Forgiving

G) Self-Care

-I blame myself for having been sexually
abused:

A) Body Image

B) Beyond Shame & Guilt

C) Low Self-Esteem

D) High Self-Esteem

-I feel unworthy or abandoned:

A) Depression

B) Grieving

C) The Inner Child

D) Deserving Love

E) Betrayal

F) Unhealthy Relationships

G) Respect in Relationships

H) Healthy Relationships

-I feel lost:

A) Hope

B) Goals

C) Depression

D) Grieving

-I feel vulnerable:

A) The Inner Child

B) Deserving Love

C) Low Self-Esteem

D) High Self-Esteem

E) Betrayal

F) Trust

-I feel bad about my body:

A) Body Image

B) Beyond Shame & Guilt

-I feel neglected:

A) Deserving Love

B) Low Self-Esteem

C) High Self-Esteem

D) Self-Care

-I feel powerless:

A) Powerlessness

B) Control

-I feel discouraged about relationships:

A) Anger

B) Betrayal

C) Trust

D) Forgiving

E) Unhealthy Relationships

F) Respect in Relationships

G) Healthy Relationships

-I feel ashamed or guilty:

A) Body Image

B) Beyond Shame and Guilt

C) Trust

D) Values

-I feel resentful:

A) Dealing With Pain

B) Self-Sabotage

C) Body Image

D) Beyond Shame & Guilt

E) Depression

F) Grieving

G) The Inner Child

H) Deserving Love

I) Powerlessness

J) Control

K) Anger

L) Betrayal

M) Trust

N) Forgiving

O) Unhealthy Relationships

P) Respect in Relationships

Q) Healthy Relationships

Chapter 1
–
Hope

“Hopelessness is a question of despair, not a
product of reality.”

-Jason Goodwin

Hope, for survivors of sexual abuse, means
believing that our lives will improve if we keep working on our
issues. It’s like that old saying. “If life gives you lemons, make
lemonade.” But there’s something I want to add to this saying, and
I want you to remember it. “If you’re not getting lemonade, it’s
because you’re not squeezing your lemons hard enough.”

Sexual abuse can feel like a big pile of
lemons. There have been times in my life when I felt too tired, too
stressed, too discouraged, too hopeless, too angry, or too afraid
to work on my issues. And the longer I avoided doing this work, the
more painful my life became. Eventually, that pile of lemons
started looking pretty good to me, because I wound up with a big
pile of something else.

Hope is the belief that if we keep working on
our issues, they will get better, we will feel better, and
eventually we will work through whatever issues we struggle with
today.

To begin this process, we must believe that
we can heal. Some of us have felt so broken by the sexual abuse
that we came to believe we could never heal our pain.

“I’m a screw-up,” we said. “Look at my
relationships. I let people walk all over me. I keep going out with
people who disrespect me and abuse me. I feel so terrible about
myself. I feel so damaged. I don’t believe I can ever heal.”

Yet sexual abuse is simply a wound. A very
deep, very painful wound. When we try to self-medicate our pain
with alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, sexual addiction, pornography,
prostitution, overeating, or a hundred other compulsive behaviors,
this wound becomes infected. It is a wound that needs to bleed. It
is a wound that needs great care if it is ever to heal.

Chances are you are like me. You spent the
majority of your life trying to run from this problem. You tried to
cover it up or ignore it, hoping beyond hope that it would somehow
just go away. But the truth is that sexual abuse issues do not
“just go away.”

We may have felt confused in the past. Even
if we wanted to heal our pain, we may have been unsure of where to
turn. There are few good books on the subject, and few counselors
who deal effectively with the issues of sexual abuse. In today’s
society, there is a great deal of stigma attached to having been
abused. Instead of healing, we try to ignore the way we feel, or
attempt to numb our feelings with addictions and other compulsive
behaviors.

Some of us reached the place where we
believed it was hopeless. The deck was stacked against us. We were
sexually abused. Tainted. We would never heal these issues because
it was impossible. We were doomed to repeating the same awful
relationships and the same self-destructive behaviors for the
remainder of our lives.

There is something you need to know. You can
heal the pain of sexual abuse. You can heal your life. It is
possible. I promise that if you truly do some soul-searching, some
crying, and some letting go, you will make progress. What you gain
from this experience will depend on how hard you are willing to
work. Personally, I held nothing back. I chose to keep learning and
keep growing.

Many of the ideas presented in this book may
seem strange to you at first. Some of the exercises may seem too
difficult.

But within these pages are the seeds of
change. If your garden is full of rocks and the soil is too hard,
it is difficult for those seeds to take root. The garden of our
heart needs to be tilled. We need to nurture ourselves with the
fertilizer of self-love and the sunshine of self-care. We must give
our garden the water of knowledge and begin to pull the weeds of
shame.

A beautiful garden does not blossom
overnight, but throughout the springtime of our healing process.
Health and growth are cultivated over time.

When we feel hopeless, we should ask
ourselves, “How did I get to this hopeless place? Have I felt a
great deal of anger, sadness, pain, or fear in the past? Have I
felt guilty or ashamed because of what happened to me? Have I felt
that I was somehow to blame for the abuse?”

Hopelessness is a question of despair, not a
product of reality. In truth, our lives are never hopeless. We can
always grow. We can experience our feelings and change our
behaviors. When we tell ourselves that life is hopeless, it is
because we feel like giving up, not because life is ever, truly
hopeless.

So what can make us feel like giving up? Is
it easier to try and avoid our pain? Is it easier to act out our
addictions than to work through our issues? Have we been told by a
family member, friend, or perpetrator that we should just, “Get
over it?” Have we been told that the abuse was our fault, or that
we were acting or dressing too provocatively?

Perhaps we feel hopeless about a behavior we
can’t seem to change. We keep getting into abusive relationships or
doing drugs. We keep engaging in addictive sex, spending money
compulsively, or overeating. Maybe the negative patterns in our
lives seem to repeat themselves endlessly.

Hopelessness builds up in our lives when we
fail to address the real issue. If we do not change our negative
patterns, they will continue to hold us back.

If we choose unhealthy partners, we end up in
the same, unhealthy relationships. If we stuff our feelings instead
of healing our pain, we continue to spiral downwards.

Often the reason people remain trapped in
their problems is because they refuse to take action. They refuse
to change. It is possible to heal the pain of sexual abuse in the
same way that we would work to heal any other issue. There is hope.
The more you heal the stronger you feel, and the easier it
gets.

Personal Journal Entries

Entry #
1:
Gaining Hope

(My depressed voice): I have nothing to live
for. I might as well sleep all day and not wake up. I feel
depressed. My thoughts are all negative. Why do I feel so
hopeless?

I am tormented by the memory of sexual abuse.
There is no changing the reality of my past. What happened to me
was horrible, and sexual abuse continues to happen to people all
over the world. There is no way to stop it. I will never overcome
this.

Life is so meaningless. Healing sexual abuse
is too difficult.

(My wise, inner voice): Don’t believe that
your life is hopeless. That’s your depression talking. You’re just
thinking negatively about your past, your present, and your future.
Stop doubting yourself and your ability to heal.

You are afraid that you will never be free of
this. That you will be dealing with this pain forever. But in
truth, all pain is limited. All fears are eventually conquered. All
issues are eventually resolved and a brighter future awaits
you.

You will overcome this. You will find the
courage. You will regain your integrity, your confidence, and your
self-esteem. You will feel better. You will have peace again. You
will see the light.

Your pain is not “all powerful.” You are
powerful, eternal, strong, wise, and capable. As a child of God,
there is nothing that can defeat you. You are stronger than sexual
abuse. You are stronger than fear.

Process
Questions

In what ways have I felt hopeless about
healing the pain of sexual abuse?

How do I look at my life when I feel
hopeless?

How do I act when I feel hopeless?

What would make me feel more hopeful about
healing the abuse of my past?

How can I process my issues (sit with my
feelings, cry, get my anger out in a healthy way, do some
journaling, talk to someone about how I feel, etc…)

Exercise
1-1

Hope Affirmations

-Say these things to yourself every day until
you start to feel more confident and filled with hope.

1. Things in my life keep getting better, and
every day I am getting healthier.

2. I am working through my issues.

3. I am succeeding.

4. I feel more confident and more hopeful
every day.

5. I am stronger than my fear.

6. I am overcoming my problems.

7. I am feeling more energy, more
inspiration, and more love.

8. I am becoming a bigger, wiser, stronger
person.

Stepping Stones to Health

Hope

-Try to identify where you are in the
stepping-stones to health, and the next step or steps you need to
take.

_____ 1. I am severely depressed and addicted
to several substances or behaviors. I fear that my life will never
improve.

_____ 2. I have known people who have
successfully worked through their sexual abuse issues, but I don’t
think I can.

_____ 3. I am trying to learn more about
sexual abuse, but I don’t spend much time reading self-help books
or working on my issues.

_____ 4. I worked through an issue I was
having, but it was scary. I don’t want to change. I’m used to the
chaos in my life, and it’s easier for me to do nothing.

_____ 5. I did something to heal an issue I
was having and it made me feel better about myself. I realize that
healing is possible if I am willing to work at it.

_____ 6. I am getting tired of the chaos in
my life. I know there’s something better for me. I’m tired of my
addictions and my negative behaviors because they cause me a lot of
pain.

_____ 7. I want to change, but I still feel
really confused.