HARDER (8 page)

O
f course throwing
us into a bed with that kind of animal attraction, Caleb’s drinking and both of us feeling raw and vulnerable was not exactly a good idea.

Of course we had good intentions, but of course our body heat multiplied until I awoke some time in the pre dawn with the light just starting to lighten the horizon with Caleb’s hands all over me.

“I don’t think–“

“Shhhhhh,” he said in my ear, his voice thick and hot with desire. I melted before a second protest reached my lips and I let him touch me.

“You are so beautiful, Brooke,” he whispered in a harsh tone from behind me. He slid his hands up under the front of my shirt and I nearly jumped out of my skin at his touch. He was so sensual the way he moved them over my body I felt like I was drowning in everything Caleb Harder.

“We shouldn’t do this…” I sighed and closed my eyes. I turned my head towards him and felt him rise up over me, his mouth seeking mine.

He found it and kissed me, his tongue slipping between my lips and tackling my own, swirling and sliding against me endlessly.

I tried to turn fully and embrace him but he stopped me dead with a single slip of his hand down the front of my pants.

I gasped and my eyelids snapped open. I saw his eyes blazing with need and I felt it rise up inside of me like a thirst that could only be quenched by his touch.

“I don’t know…” I exhaled against his mouth as his fingers sought my secret flesh. He prodded against me and slipped between my folds into my wetness, my soaked heat. I didn’t have time to tell him how frightened he made me feel just then, not from any threat of physical violence but simply the threat of being exposed to him. I felt raw and wounded as he stroked me, I felt nakedly vulnerable and almost on the verge of tears as he touched me.

I wanted him to touch me, god I wanted all of him, but I was so damned scared.

“Brooke,” he growled against my mouth. “Beautiful Brooke…”

His thumb slipped against my quivering cleft and found my clit, my center of desire and need and want and he touched it gently at first but sped up as I began to pant and moan.

He pulled back, lifted his other hand to cup my face and stared into my eyes. His thumb skated across my swollen lips and he slid it inside my mouth as his other one slipped across my sensitive nerves.

I instinctively sucked his thumb and groaned as his ministrations brought me higher and higher to the point of nearly bursting.

“I want you to come for me, Brooke…my beauty. I want to feel you come and see your beautiful face as you break loose and explode on me.”

I was wordless as I obeyed his order and let myself go, loosened my limbs and felt liquid and fiery as I blazed through my body to the center of my existence just then…Caleb’s eyes.

“Look at me when you come, beautiful Brooke,” he demanded and I obeyed again wordlessly. I watched his face as he mastered my body with a few simple motions of his hand and fingers. “Come for me.”

I groaned and writhed against him, arched my back and felt it all stream through my body and leave me as I exhaled one long moaning cry.

“Caleb,” I panted and was almost surprised at the pleasure making my voice so lusty and low.

“Yes, Brooke?” he asked and I twisted, trying to see him better, to slide against him, to touch him.

“I need you so bad…but I can’t…we can’t do this…” My voice trailed off and became so small I could no longer use it. I needed to tell him why, how the orgasm he’d just given me had brought up feelings I’d though long dead. The feelings that Rolland had beaten to nothingness…that I needed for us to go slow because I was so damned scared of him that I was shaking because of it.

How could I articulate all of this to him when my voice became stuck inside my throat and my tongue could no longer form the words I needed?

“I understand,” he growled in a deep, low voice, pulled his hands back from my body and let me fall forward away from his embrace.

He didn’t understand though, how could he when he didn’t know even twenty percent of my story. He held me again though and fell asleep again behind me, but I was restless and nervous that I had just broken something between the two of us because of my inability to let him in, to open myself up to him.

I fell asleep after him, tears threatening to fall from my eyes but I stubbornly kept them inside. I wasn’t going to show that pathetic weeping side of myself to Caleb. I didn’t want to drive him away with my weakness.

If only it had been that simple.

H
e was gone
when I woke with the bright sunlight streaming in. At first I thought maybe he was in the bathroom or kitchen but the silence in my apartment was like somebody had wrapped my head in cotton batting. The world felt muffled and distant.

I rolled onto my back into the spot Caleb had laid and I let the tears come then.

My stupid frightened little mouse side had scared him off. I should never have let him see that part of me, that was the part that had driven Rolland into rages that got worse and worse as time went on.

Any time I shut down and pulled away, Rolland would hammer at me with physical violence or the cruelest of words. I hadn’t realized how deeply they’d wormed their way inside of me until last night when Caleb had opened me up like that.

How could I expect to be an equal to a man like Caleb Harder though? I was nothing next to him, a scared little rabbit with nothing to offer but a tormented past and a dull life.

I wept into my pillow and prayed I could at least salvage our friendship out of this entire mess. He was so kind to Lucy and we needed friends in this town.

I finished my crying jag and let my tears dry. I hated that I was such an emotional person, but I’d always been a little more passionate than most. My mom had always called me high strung and my dad had called me his little princess…but not always in a nice way.

Rolland’s abuse had shrunk that side of me but it was apparently coming back. I didn’t know how I felt about that, loving and living bigger than before…feeling things deeper, laughing louder, having sex harder…it was as though I was waking up and it unsettled me.

I grabbed my phone and checked the time. I had an hour until I had to pick up Lucy so I decided to have a hot shower and forget about the strange night before.

But how could I forget about Caleb’s story…or his hands on my body and thumbs…inside of me.

How could I forget the most insanely intense orgasm of my life?

I decided to face it all with my usual fierce determination and ignore the hell out of it. It was all I could do.

“
A
nd she loved
my present the most mom, the
most
!” Lucy told me after she’d gone through the comprehensive list of everything Sarah had received for her birthday.

“Awe that’s sweet,” I told her and navigated the van through the streets of town. I hadn’t texted Caleb since I’d woken up, I was trying to be strong and let him text me. It hadn’t stopped me from checking my phone every five seconds though, I swear I was developing a neck cramp from craning my head to see the phone on my dashboard holder.

“She said it’s because it meant the most. Because we don’t have much to give,” Lucy continued and I felt a wave of humiliation wash over me. I hated that Sarah understood our situation and I hated that she’d been condescending to my daughter.

Lucy didn’t seem to notice though, and I wondered if perhaps Sarah was just being nice about it. I didn’t need to be so defensive about our financial status. We’d make it eventually, and even if we didn’t, we’d get by.

I pulled into the super market parking lot and found a spot near the front. I had about thirty minutes to spare before Lucy’s soccer game and we needed a few things for lunches in the coming week.

I pushed the cart through the store while Lucy wheedled and nagged me for every sugary cereal and fruit treat she knew she wasn’t allowed to have.

I chose sensible store brands, nothing fancy and nothing too bad for her health. Of course at her age that was like poisoning her, especially since her friends all had the expensive treats I didn’t want her to eat.

She was pouting when we turned the corner and almost ran into Caleb and Tara.

“Hey sandwich girl,” she said brightly and stuck out her hand. I took it and she said, “We were never introduced. I’m Tara.”

“I’m Brooke,” I replied quietly and glanced at Caleb. He was looking at me with a strange look on his face, a mix of desire and anger.

“I’ve heard
all
about you,” Tara said. “Well, not
all
but I’ve heard enough to know that you’re good for Caleb here. He’s less of a jerk since he met you and that’s good enough for me!”

“Oh nice to know,” I said and looked him in the eyes. “We’re such good friends he’s good for me too.”

He winced when I said friends, but he looked down at Lucy and gave me a slight nod. He didn’t know I was upset at him leaving, he thought I was making it clear for Lucy’s sake.

That was fine with me; it gave me time to sort my feelings out. If I ever had the courage to face them that was.

“Are you coming to watch me kick butt on the pitch later?” Lucy chirped from behind me.

“Of course I am,” Caleb said and tousled her hair. He looked directly at me and said, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

“Oh good, I think I’ll score ten thousand goals today!” she giggled and grabbed the cart. “We have to finish shopping, my mom only likes boring food.”

“Ten thousand hey?” Caleb laughed and raised his brows. “That’s going to be something to see.”

“Healthy food,” I interjected, fearing his judgment. “Healthy food is apparently boring.”

“Of course it is,” he replied and looked at me again with that intense gaze, desire outdoing anger this time. “Things that are fun aren’t always good for us, are they?”

“No, they’re not,” I said and walked away to puzzle at his meaning.

Caleb Harder, complicated, mysterious, brooding…and so damned sexy it was impossible to shake the feelings I had for him.

“Hey Lucy,” Caleb called after us as we were about to turn the corner at the end of the aisle.

“Yeah?” Lucy asked and turned around.

“Tell your mom to live a little, she needs some fun in her life…get the sugar coated breakfast cereal,” he said with humor in his voice.

“I will!” Lucy promised and I smiled but kept walking.

Just when I thought he had some hidden meaning to cut me off, he threw me a curve ball like that.

I felt like I was perpetually pulling the petals off a daisy with that man, he loves me…he loves me not…he loves me…

I knew where I wanted it to end.

T
he soccer game was amazing
, not because Lucy scored ten thousand goals…she didn’t…but because Caleb and I were back to normal.

Well, as normal as you could be when you were dancing around the gigantic elephant in the room…and thinking about his thumb grazing across your most intimate places whenever he handed you something from his picnic basket.

Or his lips and the way he claimed your mouth with his, swirled his tongue against yours and made you feel like he
owned
you, like you
belonged
to him.

Yeah, if that was normal, then things were back to normal.

Halfway through the game Addy showed up with Gary in tow looking like a really cute couple in love. I was so pleased for my friend; she was a bright and hilarious woman who happened to hate being alone.

“How are they doing?” she asked and sat down next to me. Gary nodded at us and took the seat next to her. Caleb nodded back but glanced back to the field quickly to watch the game. Or to avoid eye contact with the two people who had called me the night before.

“They’re up by one,” I said, “Kaitlin’s in goal and Lucy is on the field now.”

We watched the game for a little while until Addy stood up and said, ”I’m going to the bathroom, come with?”

I looked over at Caleb and wondered if he knew that was girl code for ‘get your ass over here, we need to talk’ and wondered if he knew we were going to talk about him.

He wasn’t a stupid man though, so most likely he knew.

Addy and I carefully picked our way down the bleachers towards the bathrooms. I looked back and Caleb was offering Gary a beer, so that meant they’d be friends for life.

I smiled and followed Addy behind the row of toilets where she whispered, “Tell me everything. What happened?”

“Well, he told me about his wife and son,” I said, “then I got him sobered up a bit, took him back to my place to sleep it off and woke up to find him gone.”

“He pulled a hump and dump?” she gasped and put her hand on her chest.

“There was no hump, therefore no dump,” I replied with my brow arched.

“Uh huh,” she said and looked at me. I couldn’t keep steady eye contact with her and glanced down to pretend to pick something off my shirt. “Something happened, it’s pretty obvious.”

“We talked,” I replied. “And why the hell didn’t you give me a warning about his family? That was horrible! Did you know about it?”

“Of course I did, it’s a small town,” Addy said and leaned closer. “They still don’t’ know who did it, you know.”

“The person was never caught?”

“Nope. Somebody in a blue Ford pick up truck t-boned Caleb’s dad’s car. Unfortunately it hit the passenger side and all the airbags in the world weren’t going to save those two.”

“Oh god that’s so horrible,” I said and wondered what happened to his dad. Obviously he survived, but I didn’t know what kind of shape he was in considering he had Tara working for him.

“So you’re not going to fess up to me? Don’t worry, even before he married Anna he was kind of a dick,” Addy said. “So if the dump does follow the hump, you certainly wouldn’t be the first.”

“I’ll keep that in mind, thanks,” I said and we walked back towards the bleachers.

“What did you two get up to?” Gary asked when we returned.

Addy bent to kiss him as she took her seat and I felt a pang of envy at how honest and open their relationship seemed. “Nothing you’d be interested in. Girl stuff.”

“Yup, girl stuff,” I said and looked over at Caleb. He was watching me with a distance in his eyes that made me shiver. Like I was talking to him from the other side of the galaxy.

He smiled and turned back to the game, barely saying ten words to me for the remainder of it.

Mysterious, complicated, and kind of a dick. That was Caleb, and that was the man I had to find myself falling for of course.

After the game I went to Addy’s for our usual post game barbeque and Caleb went home.

When I would see him again, I had no idea. Not that it made it any better, but it made me realize giving up control was okay at times.

“
A
nother cup
when you get the chance,” Ray said as I passed him in the diner. It was a busy morning but Ray and his buddies took up their corner as usual.

“Make sure it’s hot this time,” Vern snapped. He was one of Ray’s buddies and one guy I did not like. He was the kind of old man who made you wonder if he was always that horrible or if he just started acting that way when he got old.

I had a feeling Vern had been nasty from day one though.

“It’s always hot, Vern,” I sighed and walked away. “I take it right off the burner.”

I heard him grumble a series of expletives behind me but ignored him. I wasn’t in the mood for a fight and Vern was always fixing to fight.

I put in an order for a group of office workers in for a breakfast meeting and took half a moment to catch my breath.

“We need another girl,” Virginia said as she popped out of the back to check on things.

“I’m good,” I replied. “It looks busy but I’m handling things.”

“I realize that,” she said, “I just have a sneaking suspicion you’ll leave us at some point soon and I want to have you train somebody before that happens.”

“I’m not going to quit,” I retorted. “Who told you that?”

“It’s not something you plan,” she said softly with a smile.

“What isn’t?”

“Falling in love,” Virginia told me. “It’s written all over your face as clear as day. The grin I saw on Caleb’s face on the weekend tells me who it is and that he’s falling as hard as you are.”

I blushed and stammered. “Oh no, not love. We spent some time together here and there but that’s probably the extent of it.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Virginia winked and started to walk away. She stopped and turned back to me. “It looks good on you, by the way. Both of you.”

“Thanks,” I said quietly and felt my cheeks burn again. Was it that obvious that I wanted him? Did he know it too?

And more importantly, did he still feel it?

C
aleb wasn’t home
for Monday’s lunch delivery and he wasn’t around on Tuesday either. I was being stubborn about texting and hadn’t sent him any indication that I wanted to hear from him even though I ached to know what was going on between us.

Wednesday was a perfunctory greeting and drop off of his lunch.

He walked me to the van and I felt like he wanted to say something more to me but he hesitated and I didn’t stick around to give him more chances to speak.

I was feeling like if he wanted to tell me something he would tell me. He knew where to find me.

Lucy was in a bad mood when I picked her up from Mrs. Rigsby’s place.

“She’s in a snit because some girls at school are planning some fancy weekend away next month,” Mrs. Rigsby told me in a hushed voice as she opened her door. “They’re heading to the city for a shopping trip and to see a concert. Some young boy with shaggy hair and a voice like a girl.”

“Probably Justin Bieber,” I said and frowned. How I wished I could send Lucy to things like that, but there was no way. “It’s too bad I can’t afford to send her, she’s such a good kid, but you know…”

“She’ll get over it,” Mrs. Rigsby said. “It doesn’t feel like it right now, but you’re a good mom and she’ll be just fine.”

“Mom, I need to talk to you about Holly and Sarah’s getaway,” Lucy said as she slipped into her jacket and grabbed her backpack. I rolled my eyes at Mrs. Rigsby as we left and tried my best to deflect Lucy’s determined plotting on the drive home.

We had a simple dinner and I sent Lucy to have her bath as I was cleaning up. I stuck my hands in the hot water and washed the dishes half asleep, doing them had always relaxed me.

Afterwards I went into the living room to tidy up some of Lucy’s things.

I heard my phone vibrate on the coffee table, I tossed the last couple things into the toy box and picked it up, silently praying that it was from Caleb.

It was a Facebook message. I opened it and saw my mom’s message. I almost dropped the phone my hands were shaking so hard. I made my way out of the living room to the kitchen table and sunk into a chair with trembling knees.

My god Brooke! I can’t believe it’s you! And Lucy, I love the name. When can we meet her? Can you come to see us? We have missed you so much and talked about you every single day. Your father’s health isn’t that good so the sooner you come the better. We love you both and please send photos.

I had to reread it a few times to believe that they still loved me and wanted to see us even though I’d turned my back on them years ago. And Dad was sick? That sent a tremor of concern through my limbs and I immediately responded to let her know I would come home when I could.

So now on top of having to tell Lucy we couldn’t afford her weekend trip away, I might have to tell my parents I was too poor to come and see them.

I stood up, grabbed the edge of the counter and exhaled a long frustrated groan. Life had never been easy for me, and it had been horrific with Rolland, but being a single mother was the most difficult thing I’d ever imagined.

It was one thing to let yourself down, but to let your child down hurt with an ache that was deep inside. I felt like such a failure as a parent.

My phone buzzed again and I swiped it open expecting a reply from my mom.

It was Caleb.

My heart thumped so hard I thought I might throw up. I read his text.

Sure thing I can help out. Just let me know how much.

I frowned and re-read it. He must have sent it to the wrong person. I texted him back.

This is Brooke.

I know.

How much what?

Money, you texted me for money.

When did I do that???

Ten minutes ago?

What did I say?

You needed money for Lucy’s school trip.

My hands were shaking with anger as I scrolled up. Sure enough while I’d been doing the dishes Lucy had been on my phone texting Caleb pretending to be me.

“Lucy!” I bellowed. “Get your ass in here!”

I angrily punched in a text to Caleb.

There was no way that I asked you for money, that was Lucy using my phone. I’m sorry, it will never happen again.

I didn’t wait for him to respond, I changed my phone settings to password it and put it on the kitchen table.

Lucy was in the living room looking extremely ashamed of herself.

I lectured her and sent her to bed, deciding at that point it wasn’t going to do either of us any good if I humiliated her any further. I knew why she had done it, and grounding her off my phone would be enough punishment for now.

I grabbed my phone when I went to bed and noticed one last text from Caleb.

I don’t mind, honestly. I want to help you Brooke, that’s what friends do.

With that little sentence I felt like a dagger had been stuck into my heart and twisted with enough force that I felt a sob bubble up from my chest and escape over my lips.

Friends.

There it was in black and white.

Caleb wanted to be my friend after all. Everything he’d said and done while drunk had meant nothing.