HARDER (6 page)

“
Y
ou’ve got it
!” Caleb yelled as Lucy rushed the other team’s goal again.

It was yet another Sunday soccer game, the third one Caleb had joined us on and the third one he’d brought treats and treated me as though he liked me more than just friends.

We’d been hanging out here and there, doing our best to keep it casual.

We weren’t doing so well at times, but overall I thought we were kind of succeeding at this friends thing.

I was still driving the pretty red minivan. My car had been irreparable, or so Caleb claimed, but he told me to drive the van as long as I wanted.

It’s what friends did for each other.

Or so he claimed too. I’d like to know if he had any other friends he did this for.

Somehow I doubted it, but with both of us obviously running from something in our own ways, it had developed into something that satisfied each of our needs.

Except the sexual ones.

God sometimes I wanted to jump on Caleb and strip him naked, he was so utterly stunning it was hard to resist him.

But he was good at maintaining that distance between us. The couple times we’d touched, like when he’d put his arm around me to thank me one lunchtime, we’d both felt the electric heat that had coursed through us.

It was undeniable, and yet somehow we were both living in denial.

Lucy scored another goal and we both jumped up screaming for her. Addy sat in silent judgment next to me, I knew she thought I was nuts for putting up with Caleb’s arm’s length treatment of me. And I only knew because she told me all the freaking time.

We broke apart and looked at each other awkwardly before we sat down.

I glanced at Addy and she rolled her eyes. “Seriously,” she said under her breath. “Y’all just need to bone each other and get it over with.”

“We’re just friends,” I scowled and looked at Caleb, hoping he hadn’t heard anything. He hadn’t, he was on his way down the bleachers towards the washroom. I briefly considered following him in there and kissing him, but of course I didn’t.

“You could get that tattooed over every inch of your damn body and nobody would bloody well believe it,” Addy said, arching her brow.

“Who peed in your cornflakes this morning?” I asked her.

She exhaled a loud breath and said, “It’s Gary. He’s getting to that month anniversary itch and I can see it coming. I think he’s going to dump me.”

“That’s okay though, you said yesterday that he was driving you nuts.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to be dumped,” she said. “I do like him, even though he lives an hour away.”

“I’m sure it will sort itself out,” I told her and looked back at the game.

“I’m not taking that advice from you,” she laughed. A moment later, almost distractedly, she added, “Maybe after the anniversary has passed he’ll open up to you.”

“Anniversary?” I asked, snapping my head back to her.

“You know,” she said drawing it out as if I was dense and then her eyes opened wide. “You don’t know?”

“No, tell me,” I hissed under my breath. He was coming back and I didn’t want him to hear me talking about him like that.

“It’s…something you need to ask him about,” she said and looked away. “I don’t feel like it’s my place to tell you.”

“You’re the biggest gossip I know,” I told her.

“Hey look, Lucy’s going to score another one,” she said brightly.

I knew what she was doing of course, me being the queen of the awkward subject change, but I knew I’d have to accept it.

And I knew I’d have to ask Caleb about it one of these days.

We cheered as Lucy did indeed score another goal for her team and high fived each other, our eyes locking for a brief hot moment.

His flicked away first, but I saw a shard of pain in them before they sunk to the field where Lucy was celebrating.

Damn Caleb Harder, the most frustrating and attractive man I’d ever known.

I
didn’t have
a chance to ask Caleb anything after the soccer game. He took Lucy and I out for pizza, which seemed perfectly acceptable to her picky palate when it was Caleb suggesting it.

They got along like gangbusters though, and it warmed my heart to see her looking up from my phone more often than not to make jokes with him or to listen to his stories about growing up in Harder’s Mill.

“So how did you decide to move here?” he asked me after we’d devoured the entire meat lover’s extra large with a serving of breadsticks.

I laughed and put my arm around Lucy. She was busy with my phone but I knew she’d remember this.

“Well, things happened in my life that forced me to move,” I said quickly, hoping she’d let me gloss over the frantic escape we’d made from Rolland’s house. “Lucy and I were driving for days without a plan in place. We were having the best time though, just wandering here and there across the country.”

“And somehow you came south?”

“Yup, we decided we wanted to go to Florida.”

“You’re an awfully long ways from Florida.”

“We are, but the car died on us,” I smiled. “We picked Harder’s Mill because we ended up having to leave the car with Smith’s Garage for over a week. By the time we got it back we both decided that we’d like to live here. I enrolled Lucy in school, found an apartment and then found the job at Virginia’s.”

“Lucky you,” he said, sitting back in his chair and observing the two of us. His eyes settled on me and he gave me a sensuous look that melted my insides and made my pulse thread through my body like a rapid-fire machine gun. “And lucky me.”

I looked down at my soda and picked out a piece of ice. I put it in my mouth to concentrate on slowing my breathing and cooling down.

When I looked up, Caleb was still watching me with that predatory look, like he was about to pounce on me and consume me whole.

“Lucky all of us,” I said and clapped my hands together to break the spell. “Shall we get the bill? Lucy has school in the morning.”

“Certainly,” Caleb replied and snapped out of it. He motioned to the waitress, dropped a few twenties on the tray she brought, and we left.

We parted ways at our vehicles, and I watched him drive his truck ahead of me, going straight when I turned off for home.

It felt wrong to not follow him. It felt like I should be with him in his house, like the three of us should make it a home.

But he was just a friend.

I had to remember that or I was going to be destroyed.

T
he week passed quickly
, I had taken lunch to Caleb a couple days but he hadn’t ordered the last three. I didn’t know why, but I’d heard he might be out of town or doing things with his dad. The town was small enough that rumors flew no matter if people knew the facts or not.

Friday came around and Lucy was asked to spend the night at her friend Sarah’s place on Saturday.

I wasn’t totally convinced, but it was a birthday party and Addy’s daughter would be there too. I knew the family was okay, but it still made me feel a little unsettled to leave her with people. The Girl Guide’s camp out had felt different for some reason.

“Sarah has an iPad,” Lucy said on our way to pick out a present. “Maybe we could get her something for that?”

“I don’t really know what we could get for an iPad,” I said. We pulled up to the one department store in our little town. “Does she like Barbies?”

Lucy rolled her eyes dramatically and said, “Nobody like Barbies anymore, mom.”

We walked into the store and headed right for the toy section. There wasn’t a lot but Lucy had to pick up and inspect almost everything they had. It hurt me a little that we’d had to leave her things back home when we’d fled.

I picked up a fluffy plush fox and had a pang of grief thinking of the one we’d left behind. It had been the one thing I’d purchased on my own, saving nickels and dimes until I picked it up one day while getting groceries.

Rolland had been so angry about it; he’d accused me of cheating on him and earning the money on my back. He’d almost destroyed it that night until I’d distracted him with something sexy and gotten his mind off his anger.

I remembered how Lucy had curled up with her plush fox every night for about a year until one day it was gone.

I never did ask Rolland about it, I knew if I did I would be in big trouble. By then I’d realized I had to learn to let things go. Lucy had learned too, and had been too scared to ask what had happened to her little fox.

I stroked the fur of the fox and watched Lucy holding two different toys looking from one to the next.

I set the fox down and realized it was time to let it go again, to move on from that old life and embrace this new one that we were building here.

“What have you got?” I asked her and walked to where she was in deep contemplation over them.

“I don’t know if she would like this one or that one,” she said slowly. She was holding an art set and a pink Disney princess doll.

“How about the art supplies?” I asked. “We could go pick out some paper and more pens.”

“Okay,” Lucy said, “I don’t even know if she likes princesses anymore. The art stuff is a better bet.”

“Sounds good,” I said and wandered through the store with her as we picked out the rest of the present, the gift bag and card.

I swore to myself that I wasn’t going to panic when we got the total, but I did discreetly put my chocolate bar back when I saw how much it was.

I knew my kid-free night would be spent at home; there was no way I had any extra money to spend on myself.

Sometimes being a single mom was damn tough.

Lucy’s happiness when we got home was more than worth it though. She carefully wrote her name on the card and packaged the present slowly until it was totally perfect.

She was adorable, and even though being a single mom was rough, it was worth it at moments like that. Time spent with Lucy when she was giggling and fooling around, telling silly jokes and completely free made my whole decision to leave Rolland the right one.

I’d do anything for my daughter, even if it meant giving up a chocolate bar and a night out…even if it meant keeping Caleb Harder as a friend and not risking my heart and hers on his words of warning.

She was worth it and I was worth it…

But part of me couldn’t help but think that Caleb was worth it too.

“
S
he’ll be fine
,” Addy said as we stood in the foyer of Sarah’s house on Saturday night. “She won’t even notice you’re gone.”

“Maybe that’s the hard part,” I said with tears stinging the back of my lids. It hurt that she could run off so easily and leave me standing in the doorway without so much as a good bye.

“It just means you’re a good mom,” Addy told me and squeezed my hand. “Now let’s go have dinner, it’s on me.”

I looked back one more time but Lucy was busy in the center of a small group of girls in the living room. They were taking turns dancing to the music of some new boy band that I’d never heard of. It struck me how quickly her tastes in music were outpacing my own and soon she’d leave me in the dust.

“If you don’t stop pouting I’m going to hook you up on some online dating site,” Addy told me and tugged at my arm.

“Fine,” I said, “it’s all new to me is all. I’m not used to having much freedom, you know?”

“I had a lifetime of freedom before I had the kids,” Addy laughed, “I hate to say it, but I don’t know.”

“Aren’t you supposed to go out with Gary tonight?” I asked as we approached our cars, mine not looking so shabby anymore. Well, Caleb’s.

“Later. Until then let’s have some girl time.”

“Where are we going?”

“How about we hit Murphy’s?” she asked. “I’m meeting Gary there later, and it’s half price appetizer night.”

“Perfect,” I agreed and walked towards the van.

“Is he letting you keep it?” she called as I clicked the automatic start button and the van came to life.

“I think I’m taking the US Army approach to this right now,” I smiled.

“How do you mean?” she replied with her brows up in question.

“Don’t ask, don’t tell,” I grinned and got in. I heard her laughter even after I closed the door.

Murphy’s was packed for a small town, but it was Saturday night and the options were limited.

We found a booth near the back where we could gossip and gorge on fatty pub food and not have snoopy regulars watching and listening to our every move.

“You’ve got to try the deep fried jalapenos,” Addy told me as I poured over the menu searching for something that wasn’t too greasy.

We ended up ordering a pitcher of beer and an appy platter to share. Since Addy was paying, I decided to go along with whatever she wanted. It seemed fairer that way.

“Have you seen much of Caleb this week?” Addy asked as I poured us each a glass of beer.

“No, he didn’t order lunch the last part of the week. Somebody said he was out of town, but somebody else said he was taking care of his dad so who really knows?”

“I don’t mean to sound rude, but are you sure you’re not spending too much time with him?”

“How do you mean? We’re just friends.”

“You’d have to be blind and stupid to believe that, Brooke,” she said with a frustrated look on her face. “You two obviously care for each other but I worry about you. I know I’ve never asked you where you’re from or about Lucy’s dad, but I think you’re very vulnerable right now.”

“I don’t know what to tell you. I like him as a friend and the rest of it is none of your business really,” I said as nonchalantly as I could manage given the fact that she was upsetting the hell out of me. I hated it when people poked around my past looking for answers.

“I know which is why I never bring it up. And if you really are just friends with Caleb then I’ll back off. He’s a complicated man and might hurt you without even meaning to.”

“You went on one date with him,” I said quickly, “I don’t think that qualifies you as being an expert on Caleb Harder.”

“I might not be, but I’ve been in town longer than you and I know his history. He’s a complicated guy with a lot going on.”

“As long as he’s kind to me and Lucy, I don’t care what he’s done in his past,” I snapped.

I took a long draw on my beer and glared at Addy over the edge of the glass.

“Fine, you know what? You’re right. What the hell do I know? I’ll drop it.”

“Thank you,” I said quietly.

Conversation was stilted for a few minutes after that but soon enough we began to flow as easily as usual. When Addy and I were out there were always lots of giggles and inappropriate jokes made about pretty much anything and everything.

Gary showed up a little after nine and I stuck around for an hour or so just to get to know him. In spite of some rough patches it seemed like Gary and Addy were going to be together for a while.

He was a nice guy, good looking and hard working and let’s face it…for being a random bar hookup, Addy had really scored with him.

I let them make fun of me for being old and bored as I said my goodbyes and headed to the parking lot.

I made it home in time for the late night news and a bowl of ice cream on the couch.

It was weird without Lucy around. Even though she was usually asleep by this time of night, I couldn’t feel her in the house and that made it feel too quiet, too sterile.

I passed some time looking up Rolland on Facebook and was beyond pleased to see him posing with a young, gorgeous blonde woman. He’d always been stupid and cocky about his privacy settings so I was able to determine that they’d been dating for a while, in fact they’d started before Lucy and I had left.

Good riddance to bad rubbish as they say. I was just glad that he might end up too distracted with somebody new that he forgot about us and let us go once and for all. All I had to do was file for full custody and hope that he let it happen without a fuss.

On a whim I looked up my mom and dad to see if they’d joined in on social media like a lot of people their age these days.

My heart skipped a few beats when I found my mom. I hadn’t seen her face in so long, but there she was laughing with my brother and my dad.

I dug through every bit of public information but unfortunately she was more private than my ex. There wasn’t much to see beyond shared motivational posts and Candy Crush achievements.

My heart hurt seeing her there, so close and yet so far.

I don’t know what came over me; I clicked on the button and let the message screen pop up. I was incognito with a fake name to hide out from Rolland, but I had to message her.

I kept it short and sweet.

Hey mom, I hope you guys are doing well. Lucy and I left Rolland and we’re living down south. I’d sure love for you to meet her, she has Grandma’s smile and stubborn personality. Love, Brooke

I must have read it a thousand times over looking for things to rewrite or things to improve, but finally hit send.

I half expected her to reply right away, but knew she’d either be in bed or up watching some late night action movie with dad. I hadn’t realized how much I missed my family until I’d seen her face and now my heart felt empty and hollow somehow.

Rolland had given me Lucy, and I wouldn’t change a thing because of that, but he’d taken so much from me I couldn’t even begin to add it all up.

I must have fallen asleep on the couch because I woke up with a start with my phone buzzing and the TV blaring some infomercial for a vegetable cutting system that was guaranteed to change my life.

I looked at my phone and saw Addy’s number.

“Addy?” I said sleepily. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

“You gotta get down here,” she said with her voice slightly slurred.

“Are you all right?”

“I’m fine but you gotta come get him.”

“Who? What’s going on?”

“Caleb. He’s lost his fucking mind. It’s the anniversary and he’s drunk off his block.”

“Caleb Harder?”

“Yes, Caleb Harder! He’s trying to start fights and he tore up the jukebox. Just get down here now! He’s asking for you!”

She hung up and I was left holding my phone and staring at it like it was an alien object.

Caleb Harder was drunk and asking for me? And what the hell did Addy mean by an anniversary?

I slipped on an oversized jacket and flat sneakers, grabbed my purse and key and headed to Murphy’s pub.

When I got there the parking lot had thinned out quite a bit but I recognized Addy’s SUV.

I walked inside and found the place a maelstrom of activity with Caleb Harder in the center of a group of people.

They were all trying to get him to calm down but he was holding his fists and his face was an almost unrecognizable mask of rage

“Who was it?” he roared. “Which one of you did it?”

“It wasn’t anybody from around here,” Rod, the bartender told him and walked towards Caleb with his arms held out as if Caleb were a rabid dog. “The police told you that, they never did figure out who did it.”

“One of you fucking did,” Caleb snarled. “One of you fucking cowards did it and now you walk around here and look me in the eye like you don’t deserve to fucking burn for the shit you’ve done.”

“Caleb?” I asked and pushed through the people. “What’s happening here?”

“Brooke,” he exclaimed and looked at me, the rage replaced with raw pain. “I never wanted you to see me like this but it’s too fucking hard. I can’t stand it, I can’t fucking take it anymore.”

“Come on, Caleb,” I said, glancing nervously at the people clotted around us. I put my hand on his arm and stroked him like I would a wild mustang. “It’s okay, we’re gonna get you out of here so we can talk.”

Addy nodded her head and Gary stood next to her with his arm slung casually over her shoulder. I smiled and grabbed Caleb’s hand and he let me lead him from Murphy’s.

In the cool night air he seemed to calm down a little. He was miserable though, one minute he had rage cycling across his face and the next I thought he was going to break down sobbing in my arms.

“I’m going to take you home,” I told him and helped him into the van.

“No, not there,” he said pleading with me. “I can’t go back there right now.”

“My place?” I asked.

“Not yet. I need fresh air. My head is so fucking stuffed with shit right now. I’m sorry, Brooke. I’m sorry I dragged you into this.”

“That’s what friends are for,” I told him and helped him buckle his seatbelt.

“What a fucking mistake,” he said softly. “What a stupid fucking mistake.”

“What’s that?” I asked him just inches from his face.

“Thinking I could ever be your friend, Brooke.”

My stomach sunk. “What do you mean?”

“I want so much more from you, isn’t it obvious? I fucking want you Brooke, but I don’t want to ruin you.”

“Maybe I should be part of this decision,” I smiled but my heart was racing a million miles a minute and I felt adrenaline rushing through my body. “We’ll talk about it later though, when you’re feeling better.”

I got into the driver’s side and let him direct me to a park across town.

We got out and he took my hand and led me to a wide clearing. We lay down on the grass and stared at the stars for a long time, hand in hand. I figured he’d talk when he needed to.

After a while he took a deep breath and said, “I miss them sometimes so much it hurts me, Brooke. It physically hurts me. It’s been three years.”

“Who?” I asked, squeezing his hand and almost dreading the reply.

“My wife and little boy,” he said and I felt as though a damn broke free as the weight of his grief washed over me. “They were killed three years ago today.”

I’d known there was something damaged with Caleb Harder, and I’d assumed it was something similar to mine.

But his was worse, so much worse.

“I’m sorry,” was all I could say, but somehow that seemed like it was enough.