Going Long (27 page)

I was reveling in my dream; it
was all falling into place. I knew I did enough to get the right teams talking.
And I knew that Dylan and her father were going to be busy over the next few
weeks fielding calls and working on my behalf. I was going to get to have this
game in my life, and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. Or at least
I thought it was.

When Noles finally made it
through the crowd, squeezing through with my dad and brother behind her,
pushing and elbowing just to get to me, my football fantasy went black in an
instant—all I could see was
her
. I’d give it all up for her. Just
like that. Yeah, I’d said that before. But for some reason, right there, right
then, I meant it. I knew I would. I’d proven everything I wanted to out there
on the field tonight. I was fucking amazing. But none of it mattered if I
didn’t have her.

When her lips hit mine, it was
like morphine, my head going dizzy with relief, and my arms squeezing her to
me, suffocating her with my need to not let go. I lifted her off the ground and
kissed her for every damn camera in the stadium to capture, finally lowering
her and pressing our foreheads together so I could hear her over the frenzy and
the buzz.

“You were amazing, Reed!
Amazing!” she said, a little teary eyed with her pride. Fuck the trophy. This
was all I needed to know my worth.

“It was all for you. All for
you,” I said, my heart rapid in my chest, and my hands at the side of her face.

“No, this was for you. You
deserve it. I’m so proud of you!” she said, kissing me again, and then
snuggling into my side, while my dad and Jason came close to congratulate me
now. Eventually, everyone made it to the field. And I’m sure being seen with
Brent Nichols had the sports world talking. But I wasn’t going to worry about
it tonight. Or tomorrow. Maybe not ever. I had my girl, and I knew what was
important now.

The press conference was carried
by every sportscast in the Southwest. My dad, of course, had secured all of the
clips. “My dad, the press secretary,” I mused to myself
.
I spent the
rest of the winter break with my family and Noles. The insurance settlement had
finally come in on her parents’ house, so it looked like she’d have an actual
room to return to for spring break. Of course, her mom had planned to turn it
into a library and a guest room, knowing her little girl would probably not be
coming back home for good.

School was starting soon, though
it all felt like a formality for me now. I’d still finish, even if I had to do
some online work or take in a class here and there. Having a college degree was
important to my mom, even if I had a multi-million-dollar football contract.
Mom had been trying to engage me more about Nolan. Still not the warm and
friendly way she was with others, but she was trying, and I could tell. I had
to give her the benefit of time.

Nolan was taking me out tonight,
some surprise date she said she had planned for months, which sort of surprised
me, given the rocky road we’d been on. She invited Sean, Becky, Sienna and
Sarah, too, so I wasn’t sure how
romantic
this date would be. When I
teased her about it, she just elbowed me and lectured me about how we wouldn’t
see everyone as much in the spring, and that friends were important. She was
right, and I’d actually miss the hell out of Sean when he went back to
California. But I was really hoping like hell I’d land in San Diego, maybe get
to see a lot more of my best friend.

Nolan drove us to some coffee
shop in Tempe, right outside ASU’s campus. Sarah followed her there with her
car loaded with the rest of their stuff, and Sean trailed behind, my ride home.
Sarah, Noles and Sienna would be moving back in at campus after tonight, and
the thought of not waking up next to Noles like I’d been doing (behind her
father’s back, which I wasn’t very proud of) made me sick. I didn’t want to
leave her. And I knew that distance was only going to grow.

“Kind of a long drive for
coffee, no?” Sean joked as we all climbed out of the cars and headed to the
front door.

“We’re not here for the coffee,
Sean,” Nolan hissed back, rolling her eyes a little. She seemed nervous, and it
was cute on her. “I have some special people that I want you all to meet.”

I almost had it figured out by
the time we got to the small front stage set up at the shop. The place was
filled with people—most of them couples. I realized they were all
parents, and their children, some of them as young as seven or eight, were the
people Nolan was talking about.

“Hi, everyone. Are you all
ready?” She spoke, and the youthful faces just beamed back at her, nodding. She
could evoke confidence, and bravery, and belief in even the smallest creature.
She had a gift, and it made the world smile. “Okay, well before we start, I
want you all to meet my friends. I thought it might help knowing you had some
guaranteed cheerers out here…other than me, of course.”

She winked at them when some of
them laughed. Others still looked down, shy and nervous, but Nolan gave them
each individual attention, lifting them up until they were looking us in the
eyes, too. We all went down the line shaking the hands of Nolan’s students,
each battling their own demon, some disability that tried to make some things
impossible. But those demons didn’t know who they were dealing with in Nolan.
She would win. She always did.

We all settled in our seats just
as the lights dimmed, and a small spotlight lit up the tiny stage. Nolan held a
microphone in her hand and welcomed everyone.

“Thank you all for coming out.
This means a lot to me. I’ve spent months with the amazing kids up here
tonight. And I think they are going to inspire you. I’m really proud of them,
and I know you will be, too. Remember, the most important thing we can do is
show them how proud we are with our claps and cheers. The sounds you make will
echo in their memory, and the next time they face something hard in life,
they’ll remember,” she said, the crowd clapping at her words.

The first child, a small boy in
a wheelchair, came to the mic next. He opened a book and read a humorous story
he’d written himself about a magic wheelchair that defended the galaxy at
night, forcing him to stay awake to pilot it. His mom would always get angry
with him when he was tired during the day and roll her eyes when he told her it
was because his chair kept him awake. Of course, all revealed itself when the
evil overlord kidnapped his mom, and he had to come to her rescue with his
magic chair. The kid’s story was brilliant, and suddenly I felt inadequate that
my only talent was throwing a stupid ball.

Each story, poem or essay was
unique and better than the last. The audience cheered loudly, not only out of
kindness, but rather genuine awe. Nolan had orchestrated a really special
evening, and I was so proud of her. I couldn’t wait to tell her. We were on the
last performance, and I could tell this one meant the most to Nolan as she sat
on the edge of her small stool in the dark corner by the stage, almost as if
she was ready to leap into the spotlight to help the young teen now taking the
microphone to finish.

Her body jerked constantly as
she slid the stool up to the microphone stand, sliding carefully to sit atop
it. Her facial tics distracted everyone from what was actually a breathtakingly
beautiful face—her blonde hair waving around her chin and cheeks, and her
blue eyes full of hope and innocence. She had yet to say a word, and I was
already in her corner.

A man, who seemed to be her
father, brought a guitar to her and helped her move the strap over her head and
shoulder, getting situated and in place. He kissed the top of her head and
hopped back down to his seat, grabbing his wife’s hand and squeezing it for
courage. I knew that move; I’d seen it, and done it myself.

“Hi…uh…I’m…I’m…I’m K-K-Kira,”
she almost whispered, her nerves already getting the best of her. Nolan just
sat there still, nodding and willing her on. “I’m going to…going to…s-s-sing my
poem for you.”

She just smiled softly, and then
looked down, wrapping her crooked fingers around the guitar’s neck and body.
Somehow, a miracle, she started to strum softly, and the melody was haunting.
Beautiful. The room was silent, everyone stunned to silence and afraid all at
once. We were all with her, on her team. She wasn’t going to fail if we could
help it.

Then she started to sing, and
her stutter disappeared.

I am not alone. He’s with me in
my heart.

My brother, he never came. But
we’ve never been apart.

I was supposed to be two, but I
only came out one.

The birth, a complication,
something done undone.

My baby brother, by a minute, so
I’ve been told.

But he would never come. We
would never hold…
 

His tiny fingers, tiny toes,
tiny everything that no one knows.

He wasn’t pretend, but real. And
something is always hollow.

We were both a surprise. A gift,
mom says.

We were wanted, just not planned
as…

Most families are.

And there are times, still
today, that we all take turns.

We all take the burden, blame
and burns.

My fault. Her fault. A
punishment, a curse.

But I know it could be worse.

For I am not alone. He lives
with me in my heart.

And I could not have even that,
and then I’d fall apart.

The entire room stood and
cheered and clapped, amazed and buried in our own tears at the power this tiny,
struggling girl held over us all. But my eyes were on my girl, her face
devastated, and her chest heaving as she struggled to breathe. Kira just found
a way to rip away the scars, scars I’d been dancing around, unsure how to deal
with myself. And when Nolan bolted from her chair, rushing out the back door, I
didn’t waste a second and flew after her.

I found her on her knees behind
a dumpster, her body shaking uncontrollably, and the whaling sounds of her
cries not even trying to be masked. I just wrapped my body around hers, holding
her arms down and stopping her from trying to free herself of me. We were in
this together, this thing she’d been doing alone. She wasn’t ever going to do
this alone again.

“Shhhhhhhhh, I’m here. It’s
okay, baby. I’m here. I know…I know,” I whispered, kissing her cheeks and head,
and cradling her while I rocked her back-and-forth, my own tears falling
uncontrollably now. “I know, and I’m so sorry. God, Nolan. I’m so sorry. But
it’s okay, I’m here.”

She clung to me, her wet face
soaking the front of my shirt, her body flat against mine, almost lifeless, but
heavy all the same. Her breathing was short and labored. Her shaking not
subsiding. “I lost it, Reed. Oh my God!” she started shaking again, her tears
coming harder now. I just held on.

“You didn’t lose anything. You
didn’t do anything, you hear me?” I said, begging her to listen to me. “It
wasn’t right. It wasn’t meant to be. Something was wrong, and that’s what was
supposed to happen. And oh my God, Nolan, I will never forgive myself that you
were alone through it all. I’m so sorry, baby. I failed you. God, I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t tell you. I should
have told you! Maybe then…” she started, but I stopped her. She was done
blaming herself. She had done that enough.

“No, now listen, Nolan,” I held
her face a few inches from mine, my hands in her hair, streaks running all
along her face. “This had nothing to do with anything you did…or didn’t do. You
have to stop blaming yourself.”

“But what if I can’t have
children? What if I’m…I’m…done?” she started quaking again.

“You don’t know that. Nolan, you
need to talk to someone. You don’t know anything until you talk to someone
about this. Talk to me. And then talk to a doctor. Baby, I know it’s scary, but
you need to. I love you…so much. But you have to take care of yourself,” I was
pleading, trying to reach her. She just stared at me, almost through me. For
minutes, I looked into her eyes, taking pauses to wipe the tears away.

We sat there completely wrapped
in one another’s heartbreak, misery, and arms amid piles of trash, and on the
cold concrete for minutes. At one point, Sean peered around the corner, worried
about where we’d gone. When I caught his attention, I motioned for him to tell
the others, and to give us a little more time.

I was finally able to get Nolan
to come inside, the parents and her students all long gone. Sarah and Sienna
all handled the awkwardness for us, telling people that Nolan had a stomach bug
and ran outside ill. Nolan was so upset that she didn’t get to talk to Kira,
who seemed to be an important student for her, but I seemed to ease her mind
during the car ride home, telling her that we could call her mom, and maybe
even pay her a visit in a day or two.

 I drove Nolan’s car to her
dorm, and Sean followed us, helping me to carry everything upstairs for her. He
and I had already discussed it, and I was not leaving her alone tonight. Sean
and Becky would spend the night on Sarah’s couch, so they could pick me up in
the morning to take me back to my dad’s house. I had some important meetings
lined up, but not until the late morning. And nothing was more important than
being right where I was tonight.