Going Long (11 page)

I turned to look away from her
for a bit, just to reset my thoughts, and put my hands on my head. “Nolan, how
does something like that just sort of happen? Was it…a small kiss?” I was
turning to look at her again with hope that it was something innocent, but when
her body started convulsing again, I knew there was nothing innocent about what
had happened between her and Gavin.

Shaking my head, I started
backing away from her slowly. “Noles, I don’t think I want to hear anymore. I…I
just can’t,” I was cold now. I didn’t want her following me, but I didn’t want
to be mean. And I knew if I heard anything else she had to say, I was going to
be. I was at the main floor and was reaching to pull the door to leave when she
caught up to me one last time, her hand on my shoulder just breaking me all
over again.

“Reed, please!” she pleaded.

I turned to look at her, so damn
close to me. Not thinking, I just reached up to grab both sides of her face and
kissed her hard, willing myself to erase the pain. But the more I kissed her,
the more her body shook, and the more I thought about her lips on Gavin’s, and
how she actually wanted them there. I pulled away quickly and pushed her back
gently. I scrunched my brow a bit, thinking, and finally found the courage to
ask.

“Are you…into him?” I was afraid
of her response. And when she didn’t give me one immediately, I stumbled off
balance a bit again, hit in the face with an entirely new devastating fact.

“No, I’m not…I just…I don’t know
how it all got to this…oh god,” she was covering her mouth again and squeezing
her eyes shut.

I just reached for her wrists to
take them in my hands and pull them to my lips so I could kiss them softly. “I
have to go,” I said, my heart broken as I turned away from her.

“What do you mean? Are you
coming back? Are we…okay?” she was blubbering now.

I just shrugged my shoulders a
bit at her words. “I don’t know. I don’t think so,” I said as I let the door
fall shut behind me.

Reed

I don’t know how I got home. I
don’t remember a thing about the drive. I know I thought about stopping at my
pop’s house, talking it out with him. But honestly the thought of telling my
dad about what Nolan did just ripped through me almost as much as the act
itself, so I kept driving.

Somehow, I had made it back to
my dorm room. It was early still, the sun barely setting. Normally, I’d be
bringing Noles home from dinner, distracting her from homework, wrapping
strands of her hair around my fingers and blowing on her neck while she tried
to read or concentrate. But instead, I was laying flat on my back, staring up
at my dorm room ceiling, miserable and alone.

I held the box with my
grandmother’s ring in it for two hours, flipping it open and then shut. Finally
sick of flipping back and forth between what I had wanted a day ago and what I
was faced with now, I just set it there on my chest, open and taunting me. Part
of me registered the sound of my door, but I didn’t realize I wasn’t alone
anymore until Trig broke into my numb silence.

“Woah, damn…is that what I think
it is?” he said, reaching for the box on my chest. Reacting, I flipped it
closed and pocketed it before he got too close.

“It’s nothing,” I said, sitting
up and rubbing my hand through my hair to try to hide the wallowing that
clearly had been done over the last hour.

“Oooookay then. You hungry or
something? Didn’t you eat with Nolan? You know you turn into a bitch when you
don’t eat,” Trig was trying to be funny, but I wasn’t in the mood.

“I’m not hungry,” I said,
standing and sliding on a gray beanie and then a sweatshirt. I started pacing
around the room on a hunt for my shoes.

“Dude, you a’right man?” Trig
asked. I locked eyes with him for a minute, and then continued looking for my
shoes.

“I can’t find my fucking shoes.
Do you know where they are?” I was short.

“Uh, no. I’m not your
fucking
shoe keeper,
” Trig shot back, calling me out a little on my attitude. I
just sighed and sat back on the edge of my bed, holding my forehead in my hands
and rubbing my temples.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to be a
dick. I’ve just had a shit day,” I said, holding a little back, and unsure if I
wanted to get into it with Trig.

“Aw, what happened man,
lovebirds fighting?” he said with a chuckle. He was trying to lighten my mood,
but he had no idea how dead right he was. I just rubbed my hands on my face and
finally stopped, holding my head in my hands and shrugged. Trig got it right
away. “Ah shit, man. I’m sorry. Wanna…talk about it?”

He was uncomfortable. So was I.
And I wasn’t ready to talk yet. I finally spotted the laces of one of my shoes
under Trig’s bed and stood up to grab them. “No talking. I wanna go to the bar.
I’m buying, you in?”

“Fuck yeah,” he said, grabbing
his keys and jacket. “We’ve got late practice tomorrow. Let’s go.”

I was about four beers in at
Cooler’s before I felt like opening up about things to Trig. Even then, it took
him asking again about the ring he’d seen for me to start talking.

“So seriously, man, was that an
engagement ring I saw you flashing around? Is that what happened? Oh…wait! Did
you ask, and she said no?” he was making up his own story now.

“No, jack off. That’s not what
happened,” I said, taking a big drink and finishing the rest of my beer. I pushed
the mug to the side, tapping the top of it to let the bartender know I wanted
another. Rubbing my eyes a little and scrunching my brow, I finally started to
fill Trig in. I told him about the conversation I’d heard, and how Gavin
actually had the nerve to come back up to her room.

Trig was ready to drive back up
to ASU to beat his ass with me, but I just bought him another beer and told him
to sit his ass down. “Thing is, man…she kissed him back,” I said, pushing my
lips tight, gritting my teeth and staring at the edge of the bar in front of
me. That was the part that was killing me most. “I wish I could fix this by
just taking it out on that asshole, believe me. But I can’t. Something’s wrong.
It’s been wrong for a while, and fuck, man? She kissed him back…”

I shook my head more and started
on my fifth beer. My stomach was rolling over with hunger, so Trig and I
ordered some nachos and got comfortable for the night. We were going to be here
for a while.

“Sorry man,” he said, just
shaking his head. “I never saw this coming. I mean, I know I give you shit
about long distance relationships and all, but that’s only because I never
thought you’d really have to worry about it. Hell, my girl is here with me, and
I almost fuck things up on a weekly basis!”

I laughed a little at him. Trig
was a good friend, and I was lucky I’d found him. But I knew he wouldn’t be
able to help. I was pretty sure no one could, and definitely not tonight. No,
tonight was about me drowning my thoughts, throwing a huge-ass pity party, and
finding a way to quit being so damned angry with Nolan. A little stupid from
drinking, but still in control of my actions, I pulled my phone from my pocket
and sent my best friend Sean a text. He was used to these, and he was my bro.
Had been since high school. He would know what I should do next.

Hey man. Nolan cheeeted on me
– need 2talk2u. don’t freakout. i didn’t do anything stupid. Drunk tho.
Really fucking drunk!!!!!!

I pocketed my phone and went
back to my beer. I was sipping on it like a fucking baby, when two giggling
blondes bumped into me, one of them grabbing onto my arm to catch her balance.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” she
giggled more. She was flirting, and it was obvious.

“No problem,” I said, turning my
face back to my beer and trying to ignore Trig’s elbow into my side, telling me
I should fix my problems by making bigger ones.

“Hey, my friend and I are trying
to find a way home. You guys have a car?” she was leaning over into me now,
pushing her breasts against my arms, and making them impossible to ignore. And
I was looking…seriously looking.

I turned to Trig for a few
seconds, chewing on the inside of my cheek, my mind sorting through all of the
possibilities.

If not this one, then there
would be another, and then another.

Taking things into his own
hands, Trig just smiled at me and held my stare while talking to the girls. “We
walked, ladies, but we’d be happy to walk you home, make sure you get there
safely,” he said, holding out his arm to take one of them, and willing me to do
the same—
daring
me.

I downed the rest of my beer,
still staring at him, and then threw a wad of cash on the bar and turned around
to smile at my distraction. “Sure, let’s go ladies,” I said, smiling at her
from the side of my mouth and letting my heavy eyes focus only on her. She
snuggled in closely when I did that. Her skin smelled like peaches, and her
long waves of hair tickled my bicep.

I’m not going to lie, it had me
thinking about what she looked like under that short-ass dress. Maybe I’d been missing
out?

  Trig and I walked
the girls two blocks in the opposite direction of our dorm, and my head was
swimming the entire time. I was either going to say goodnight, and head home to
pass out—or fight through the dizziness, and make myself feel better by
making a decision I’d probably regret in the morning, but would feel so damn
good right now.

The girls talked and giggled the
entire way to their place, but I couldn’t tell you a damn word they said. When
we got to the steps up to their apartment, Trig hung with me for a few seconds,
walking them all the way up to the door. But when they invited us in, he just
held up his phone and said, “I got things, but my boy will stick around.” He
winked at me and skipped down the steps.

Drunk, I followed them inside.
The blond that had been walking with Trig just smiled at her friend and said
she was going to take a shower, leaving us alone in their living room.
Everything looked fuzzy, and I felt enormous in their frilly, girly apartment.
I wasn’t sure what I was doing here, but I wasn’t ready to leave yet either. I
pulled my hat from my head and shoved it in my back pocket, pulling my
sweatshirt up and tossing it on her couch.

“You want anything to drink?”
she said, kicking her high heels from her feet and sliding to her kitchen.

I just stared around at my new
surroundings, still debating with myself and fighting my instincts. “Nah, I’m
good. I should…” I was about to say
go
when she came back out to the
living room, her dress now hanging around her hips and her black bra exposing
everything I had been dying to get a better look at.

She walked right up to me and
held on to my arm while she pulled her dress the rest of the way down. My mind
wandered, “Shit. She was fucking hot!” Her black panties left very little to
the imagination, and I was really fighting the urge to just throw her over my
shoulder and carry her into her bedroom. Everything started happening in slow
motion, and I was pretty sure I was making the dumbest face, my mouth wide open
and panting like a dog. My eyes were so heavy, my mind was racing minutes
ahead, imagining running my hands over her body and taking off the last bits of
clothing she had on. It was all right there, waiting for me.

She stood to her tiptoes and
pulled on the collar of my T-shirt to reach her lips up to my face. I let my
eyes fall shut for a second, and then her teeth were tugging on my bottom lip.
The shock of it knocked me off balance, and I took a step back, my eyes
shooting open in an instant.

Fuck! What was I doing?

“I’m sorry, I…I have to go,” I
said, grabbing my sweatshirt and turning from her before I changed my mind.
Feeling a little guilty, I stopped at her door before opening it. “I’m sorry.
This isn’t how I am…You’re a really pretty girl.”

I couldn’t get myself to fully
look at her face, but from the periphery, I knew she was embarrassed, and I
felt bad. But somehow, I stopped myself from doing something really stupid.

By the time I finally woke up
Friday, I only had a few hours to spare before Trig and I had to get ready for
practice. He must have come to a lot earlier than I did, because he stuck a
Post-It on my forehead telling me he took off to the main hall for food and
would just catch me at practice.

The entire last 24 hours felt
like a damned nightmare. If it weren’t for my god-awful raging headache, and
the fact that the stupid ring was sitting on my night table staring at me, I
might have been able to convince myself I’d dreamt it all.

After guzzling from the gallon
of water we kept cold in our mini fridge, I forced myself to dig my phone out
from my pocket. And there it was, staring at me—an undoubtedly
minutes-long
voicemail from Nolan. That stupid flashing green light was giving me the middle
finger, over and over again. I’d listen to it, but not now. “Maybe after
practice,” I thought. Instead, I slid open the text from Sean.

First of all, dude, you can’t
just drop something like that on me without more to go on. WTF? Second, I’m
around all day. Just waiting on Becky to finish a midterm and hanging out
around the apartment all morning. Call me when you’re done lovin’ on the toilet
; - )

I missed Sean. He was, in so
many ways, the brother I wished I had. Everything about him was good. When I
decided to grow up, I told myself I would try to be more like Sean. I always
thought it was a damned miracle Noles picked me over him in high school. And an
even bigger miracle that he didn’t fucking hate me for it, too.

It was almost 2 p.m., and I was
pretty sure he’d be gone, but I gave him a try anyhow. I was about to hang up
and just shoot him a text when I heard him answer, breathless.

“Yo, what’s up man?” he asked,
still breathing hard.

“Hey, sorry. I was a little late
getting started today. Did I…interrupt something?” I teased him. He and Becky
were living together, and I’d caught him more than once trying to talk to me
while Becky was
distracting
him.

“No, dumb ass. I was just
lifting weights out on the balcony. Not all of us get personal trainers and
shit to keep up our workouts,” he gave it right back to me.

We bantered back and forth for a
few minutes on nothing important, and then finally settled into the serious
stuff. I brought Sean up to speed, and then sat there silent while he thought
about things and got over the shock of it all. I knew it would hit Sean pretty
hard, too—one, because he was truly a brother to me; and two, because he
loved Nolan almost as much as I did.

“Okay, so let me just ask you
this…what is it you really want?” he started.

I thought about it for a few
seconds, not really sure how to answer that question.

“What do you mean? Like, do I
wish I could go back to that hour before I drove to her campus, and didn’t know
she kissed that asshole? Yes. Or better yet, do I want to go back even more, before
she kissed him at all, and just show up magically and stop it all? Yes. But
that’s stupid…and I feel like,” I swallowed, knowing what I was about to say
rung a little with truth. “I feel like maybe it would have just happened at
some point anyway. Like I would have just been putting it off, the inevitable,
know what I mean?”