Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (23 page)

PEOPLE DON’T LIKE DISCIPLINE – THEY JUST LIKE THE RESULTS

Always pay yourself first, but save more than you spend. It’s not all that bad to be cheap. But let’s call it frugality; that just sounds better. Carry cash when you can. People psychologically have more of a connection to cash than cards. Cash is much more difficult to let go compared to pulling out a plastic card and swiping it. Cash is king when it comes to getting the greatest deals! Always negotiate when appropriate. This doesn’t mean try to get a deal on a pack of gum at a convenient store’s cash register. But use your bargaining power frequently and courteously. The dumbest question is the question that goes unasked. Sometimes all it takes is an inquiry with smile. Lastly, learn to delay instant gratification and don’t be embarrassed by coupons. You’ll have to adjust to some lifestyle changes and break some spending habits. And don’t expect anyone else to step in for those areas you’ve decided to be frugal in. You can still go out and have a good time, but if you arrived broke, got in free and called a man cheap for not sponsoring your drink at the bar...you’re a panhandler.

NOTE: Be careful when maneuvering about the day with cash. Put it somewhere safe and always be attentive when and where you pull it out. We live in a dangerous world!

Plan:
If you woke up with one million dollars in your account, what would you do with it? Everyone wants more money, but what’s your reason? You must have a plan for your grands. It’s similar to having a teenage kid. You must tell it what to do, where to go and know when it’s going to come back.

“…THE BORROWER IS SLAVE TO THE LENDER.”
–PROVERBS 22:7

If you’re in debt, get out. Draw up a monthly non-negotiable budget and follow it religiously. Don’t worry; basic clothing can be included in the budget. You don’t have to feel guilty about shopping when you assign and control your money.

BUDGET BASICS:

• Food
  
• Home/Shelter/Utilities
  
• Transportation
  
• Basic Clothing
  

Anything else is extra, and you can budget according to your plan.

Investing:
The work doesn’t stop once the debt is gone, the savings account is full of 3-6 months of expenses, and the money is rolling in. But you can finally begin to work smarter, not harder. You do so by investing! Conserving money overtime in the right environment(s) creates wealth. Seek trusted professional financial advice and make your money make more money for you. Money market accounts from mutual fund companies are a good start.

Giving:
You didn’t think this was all about you, did you? There’s no greater gift than the sacrifice of self. Pour back into those in need. Don’t give blindly, but do give. Don’t allow the deception and greed of others to taint the beauty of giving. Don’t let thieves rob you of your heart to give. Give, and it will be given back to you. No matter how much money you have, you’re still going to die, so why solely focus on storing up what will perish? You can’t run out of love. You can’t run out of serving others. Real money is measured in what you do with it, not how much you have. So don’t save to spend just for self, but save to be selfless. If you want it, be willing to work a lot making a little so you can work a little making a lot. Success requires sacrifice. Be prepared for a marathon–what’s worth having isn’t easy to acquire.

Money alone doesn’t make you successful. Success is whatever you say it is. When you set goals and meet them, you’re successful. But some people require your bank statement to measure your triumph. When they can show you their life is balanced, you can show them your account balance. Your money is your business.

If you’re married, then it becomes the business of your spouse. Money can become an issue in your relationship if you let it. Financial related fights are the number one cause of divorce in North America. Many men tragically have our self-worth and purpose tied to money because it’s how we’re taught to provide. If the money isn’t right, we might not be right. That’s a shame, and I hope the man reading this realizes it’s wise to rely on the real supplier of our needs, not the tool that directs the transaction. You can run out of money, but you can’t run out of God–prayer does what money can’t. Put your priorities in focus. If you
chase
money and I
chase
God, let’s see who
wins
…

Such a Lady

Such a Lady:
Contemporary Gentlewomen

It’s difficult to trust people who can’t keep friends. Among many qualities, being a gentlewoman is about sisterhood.

You don’t have to hate men to be about sisterhood, but man can’t fulfill the role that women play in each other’s lives. The best friendships are organic, and sisterhood is the healthy ingredient to any contemporary gentlewoman. Your sisterhood is your safe place. It’s sacred. You laugh together, cry and build. You heal; you grow and you release. This association is designed by love and built on trust. There exists no envy or judgment. You are the sum of your sisters. You represent them, and they represent you.

The collective is always more important than the individual

Oh, what a beautiful collective. There’s Ms. Ambitious who doesn’t know what fear looks like. She’s accomplished much but always has her eyes set on more! She isn’t boastful and doesn’t pretend to know it all, but she motivates those around her through her actions.

Then there’s Ms. Plain Jane. The world wouldn’t be balanced without her. She’s consistent, but not predictable. She’s not into fashion or makeup because she’s a different person with different interests. But she’s still a gentlewoman because she
holds down
whatever she’s doing. Jane has her own walk, her own individuality and own style. There’s only one of her and she lives up to it! She is important. She matters. The world needs her.

Ms. Organic is a treat! You can always catch her at a low-key eatery with an organic meal and some blush wine. She’s into yoga and art. She’s the friend who’s passionate about people, but never afraid to get her hands dirty. She doesn’t mistake movement for progress.

Introducing: Ms. Single and Sexy...and Satisfied. She’s strong, and she’s sassy. She understands that a marriage doesn’t validate her as a woman; her gender does. This Lady is too busy being great in a great city with her own great hobbies and dynamic personality. She’s paved her own beautiful lane and fully understands that happiness is an inside job. Her humility radiates, and intellect shines through. She embraces exactly who she is and has fun with it. She doesn’t seem to take life too seriously, but is serious about life. It’s OK to be both beautiful and timid, and at times insecure–she’s all three. She’s human. She’s a gentlewoman.

Then there’s Ms. Just Like You. Sometimes her insecurities get the best of her. Being
gorgeous
at all times
is too much pressure. Those small dresses and awkward heels are difficult to walk in. She’d rather watch TV on the couch with ice cream and pass gas. She’s sarcastic and honest and might even have motivational conversations with herself. She dislikes certain aspects of her body and her life, but she’s working to improve on them. Accept her for who she is because she’s many of women. She’s beautiful. She’s a gentlewoman.

There’s Ms. Late Bloomer who might not have started living life until her 40s. Maybe she put her family before herself and her career. The kids are grown now, and she finally realized that you only live life once! Catch Ms. Bloomer out and about with the best of them. She gives younger women a run for their money. If this is you, pour yourself a glass of wine tonight. You deserve it!

Hello Superwoman! Perhaps you’ve accomplished it all. You’re a powerful gentlewoman about town who’s mastered her education, her social circle and her goals. How do you find balance? I spoke with Congresswoman Barbara Lee who had this to say:

“How you define your personhood is up to you. I don’t think it’s hard to find a balance. I went to school because I wanted to be something. I wanted to learn. I wanted to work and get a job and take care of my kids. Finding the balance wasn’t an issue for me because I know I’m a woman. It’s not like I had to struggle with it. It’s up to a woman to determine what her femininity should be. Not every woman thinks having kids is part of being feminine, and certainly there are plenty women who don’t have kids who are feminine.”

I agree. It’s you who makes you a woman. Not a man or a family. Without those things, you’re still a Lady.

Many men socialize by insulting each other and not meaning it while many women socialize by complimenting each other and not meaning it

Women aren’t born natural enemies. You’ve been taught to believe that. Don’t worry about her. Instead, be a resource to her. Mentor her. That’s where the power is. Her success isn’t your failure. Her
pretty
doesn’t take away from your beauty. That insecurity will lead to envy, and envy makes you hate someone you don’t even know. Confident women have no issue embracing other beautiful women. Just because she possesses something you don’t doesn’t make you any less of a woman. God created you specifically. Enjoy you! Being jealous is just a terrible excuse for complacency. It’s an easy way to justify unmerited hatred. Never envy what you haven’t earned. It’s tragic to hate other’s success when you haven’t experienced other’s sacrifices. Envy is reserved for the lazy, uninspired and unwilling, so you can’t be upset by the results you didn’t get with the work you didn’t do. To resent someone’s blessing takes away from your own. There’s nothing more beautiful than discovering your own destiny and spilling yourself onto it.

Hater | ˈh
ā
tər | noun: Someone who can’t understand why their fantasies are your realities.

A beautiful lady who gossips forfeits her beauty. Keep in mind that those who gossip with you will gossip about you. Be wise. Be warned. Gentlewomen don’t discuss people they don’t like. Their names don’t even come up. If you’re constantly talking badly about someone, you likely want something she/he has. Maybe you can’t figure out how they got it or don’t think they deserve it. Figure out what that’s about and fix it. Taking on that kind of personal responsibility is healing.

“GREAT MINDS DISCUSS IDEAS; AVERAGE MINDS DISCUSS EVENTS; SMALL MINDS DISCUSS PEOPLE.”
–ELEANOR ROOSEVELT

Sip wine and relax! No one is out to get you. Your only competition is in the mirror. What God has for you is for you. Celebrate your existence. That
catty
stuff is for the
birds
!

Evaluate your space

Be careful – enemies are courteous, too. Not everyone is meant to be in your life. I encourage you to study your circle. Some stepsisters have got to go. Spring-cleaning includes people. But some people are people hoarders – they need their own special on A&E. They can never have enough associates, friends, best friends, besties or BFFs.

Stop picking women apart; stop tearing women down. Tell a sister good morning. Ask a stranger how she’s doing. Be intentional about reaching out. Love disarms people, and you never know what another might be going through.