Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (25 page)

If you’re just looking to have a good time and don’t wish for anything serious, then communicate that. Not every woman desires commitment, and you’re entitled to exactly what you want. Just be honest and upfront about your intentions. Just as you don’t want a misleading man leading you on, don’t lead us on.

It could be fun, and you might meet someone cool, but sometimes the scene is just too damn messy. It gets tiring after a while. It becomes difficult to maneuver through the BS and filter out the garbage. Try something new! Go somewhere different and you’ll meet someone different. Or focus on what’s already there. Make a list of your closest male friends. Now cross out all family members and unavailable men and notice who’s left. He’s your good friend and confidant. He’s always there when you need him. He genuinely looks forward to seeing you and even gives you fair dating advice. He might be the man who loves you and has for years. Don’t discredit him because he’s your homie. The greatest relationships start with the greatest friendships. Sometimes the friend zone is exactly where a man needs to be.

The Approach:
Chanel N°5
and
Tobacco Vanille
linger on white sheets. A suspicion of the private blend assures you he’s present again this evening. You remember the first time. Friends greet you as you enter. You hover an index finger in the air motioning them to wait just a second. In just that second, you spot him for the second time. It’s better than the first. For a second, you think you’re in love. Maybe it’s the wine. He approaches and compliments your familiar fragrance. You tell him it’s mixed – he tells you he’s mixed a few drinks. It’s crowded. This conversation is meant for four ears. His hand sends electricity through your entire human experience as he leads you to VIP. He walks like a ball player. Waitresses carry complimentary cheesecake flavored chocolate covered strawberries and delicious drinks in trays for your convenience. He reaches his hand down. It’s wet! Just some spilled champagne. He steps closer as he delivers a two-step. You take two steps in closer. His skin manages to fall on your lips. “You smell good,” he whispers, “but taste better.” Captivating. He’s charming. You’re alluring. He’s attracted to you and attractive to you. You find him to be bereolaesque. It happened so fast. You don’t have work in the morning because it’s Labor Day weekend, but this Labor Day party might be the reason you go into labor. Beverages pour. Your vision becomes blurry. Memory fades. Sunbeams piercing through blinds wake you. Your yawn is slow.
Chanel
and
Tobacco Vanille
as you inhale. A familiar fragrance lost in your pillow. Your bed is empty, but all five senses satisfied.

OK, so maybe it doesn’t happen like that for you.

Maybe he whistled at you. Perhaps he had you at
hello
. Well, if he whistled, tell him catcalls are reserved for the lower animal kingdom…and they make you walk faster in the opposite direction. You’re a gentlewoman. How you’re approached plays a factor in whether or not you’re interested. Sometimes a bad approach can destroy our chances even if you find us attractive. Yet and still, a man afraid to approach before the relationship might be afraid to take initiative during the relationship. He might be the type to respond to all of your inquiries with, “Whatever you want to do, or wherever you’d like to go, dear.” Take note.

Not every woman is bitter – Sometimes he’s just wack and you’re not interested.

And that’s OK! A whistle and a compliment don’t mean a thing. You have the right to not be interested. You owe no one an explanation or answer. But do have tact in your rejection. There isn’t a need for an attitude or to be mean or rude. Consider some consideration when letting a man down because we deal with rejection daily. We don’t want sympathy. I just want you to understand that it’s best to treat people better than they treat you–yes even those guys.

Never tolerate harassment, but walk for a moment in our shoes. It takes courage to approach and address an anonymous beautiful woman. We don’t know how you’ll react or if you’ll think we’re crazy. All of this is going through our minds with each step closer in your direction. Rejection tastes terrible. It’s bitter. Even a confident man can have reservations at times. You women are genius at acting like you don’t notice when an attractive man walks in the room. You notice. A Lady can pay a man no mind, hardly speak and walk on by, but want him badly. Sometimes we wouldn’t mind a hint.

INTEREST vs. CHASING

The only man acceptable of being chased after is God or the guy who stole your purse. Actually, I wouldn’t recommend that. So how does a Lady
approach
a man? Great question. The traditional gentleman in me says, “A man always approaches a Lady.” But the contemporary gentleman in me realizes this places your fate in the hands of man, which is a ridiculous notion. There are new rules. Dating is fair game. Let’s cancel all subscriptions to contradictions. There are several things a Lady can do to a capture a man’s attention without appearing
desperate
or aggressive.

Not every man will boldly approach the attractive woman with her arms folded and the look of “please leave me the hell alone” on her face. It’s traditionally true that men are expected to approach women, but women shouldn’t abuse this fact by making the encounter unpleasant. Decline kindly and get on with it. If a man is rude or persistent and you feel like your safety is threatened, go ahead and give him your number–but not your personal number. Just like it’s wise to have an extra email account to filter junk mail through, it’s wise to have an extra phone number to filter junk men through. Set up a free Google Voice account, and you’ll be assigned a phone number. Most people use it for business, but you can use it to give to persistent and irritating men all in your business that need to mind their business.

The reality is women have been
approaching
men since the beginning of time. What I mean when I say
approaching
is that a woman orchestrates the pace, flow and direction of potential romantic encounters. A Lady can gauge the emotional climate of a room the second she walks into it. The feminine aura of a gentlewoman sets the tone of the attention she’ll capture and who will be lured into her zone. A Lady knows what she’s doing. The way to
approach
a man includes, but isn’t limited to the following:

• Body language: When you enjoy life, your body reflects that. When you see something you like, your body reflects that as well. Don’t be afraid to allow your body to express itself naturally. Smile if he’s cute and play with your hair if he’s sexy. We’re watching!
  
• Pay Attention: Sometimes it’s the man who’s vying for your attention. Our signals are different than yours, but we have them. We may boldly hold an extended glance or detach ourselves from a group of friends in order to be noticed. Pay attention to our attention. Show us you’re watching. Glance twenty-two seconds too long. A little longer.
  
• Mild Flirting: Whisk by more than once. Make your presence known in a subtle, yet feminine way and then move on. An interested suitor will take notice and come to you. You won’t have to lift a finger. We seek you harder when we know that you’re focused on more than just us. You can follow up with a detailed compliment (that tie goes great with your smile), or by asking for the time when you obviously have a watch on. Don’t depend solely on signals.
  

If interested in a man, gracefully put yourself in a position to be seen. It’s only as complicated as you make it. A tiny bit of research in the person you’re interested in won’t hurt. Next time you see him by your car, ask if he has jumper cables (who cares if your car works perfectly fine). You can at least get a name.

A Lady
pursues
a man she’s interested in by accepting his advances or by flirting. She
values
him by loving him. A man who needs more than this may want to look for it in the mirror. It’s only hard to find a good man because you don’t have to look; we’ll find you. If none of this is for you, it’s OK to make the first move and approach. If interested, we’ll take the lead from there.

NOTE: An interested man is usually eager to secure your time. If he’s not making plans, he doesn’t want to be your man. It’s both tragic and unnecessary to chase men around. Show an interested gentleman slight interest and watch him move mountains. Make no mistake; you don’t want anyone who doesn’t desire you enough to pursue you.

The Date:
This is the part most people get wrong. But why? Dating is supposed to be fun. Know what type of dater you are.

THE SERIOUS DATER:
You’re not interested in dating just to date. You’d like to date with a purpose, a goal and a plan. You know exactly what it is that you want, and you don’t have time to play around. You’ll scare a lot of men off, but that’s the point. Your elimination process might be fast-paced and can grow overwhelming. Just like fishing, patience and faith are required. Also like fishing, you have to go where you’ll find a good catch. Go where your ideal beau would go. If you’re interested in a bookworm, go to contemporary libraries and bookstores. If you’re attracted to intelligent, artistic gentlemen, frequent galleries and local art walks. Be proactive and don’t be so serious that you become a nuisance. Just know there’s a man out there actively on the same search you’re on.

THE CASUAL DATER:
Nothing you observe is wrong. He’s a nice guy and attractive, but he’s not mesmerizing or memorable. Serious dating can be frustrating. Perhaps you need to shift your focus. Casual dating might be for you. Have some fun! Casual dating comes with no contracts. These engagements aren’t marriage engagements, and the dinners aren’t rehearsal dinners. When you view dating casually as opposed to looking at it like an engagement or something that can lead to an engagement, you’ll probably enjoy it more and you’ll find the proper person –or people– to enjoy it with. Besides, you’ll have more horrible first date stories to look back on and laugh at. If you change your approach to dating, you’ll experience dating in a totally different way.

On the contrary, you’re human, and sometimes feelings get involved even when you don’t plan on it. When you date casually, you can become jaded maneuvering your way through dinners and dial tones. Casual dating is involuntary manslaughter. You have no intention of bringing death to emotions, killing feelings or breaking hearts, but it’s bound to happen to all parties involved. Do you think you can handle this? Proceed with caution.

First Official Date:
In these untruthful times,
Google
should be your first date. It’s best to play it safe. If he’s picking you up, text your friends his phone number so they have it. If you prefer to be extra cautious, memorize his license plate on the way to the car door and jot it down in your phone. This should be the last time you pick up your mobile device. Have some decency and try to enjoy yourself.

Did he arrive with flowers? Well, maybe he’s trying to tell you something.

Decoding Flowers:

Do you know that plants and flowers have specific meanings? Single stems could serve as sweet love letters; while pedals write paragraphs and bouquets become sonnets. The next time you receive an exotic bloom, you’ll know exactly what the sender is trying to say:

Camellia:
Perfection.

Carnation (general):
Fascination; distinction.

Cattail:
Peace and prosperity.

Chrysanthemum:
For a wonderful friend.

Chrysanthemum (red):
Good luck and best wishes.

Chrysanthemum (white):
Truth.

Daffodil:
You’re the only one. <------Perhaps it’s too soon for this!

Daisy:
Innocence; purity; gentleness.

Gardenia:
For your secret (not-so-secret anymore) love.

Heather:
Admiration and solitude.

Hyacinth (purple):
I’m sorry; please forgive me.

Hyacinth (pink):
Playful nature.

Hyacinth (white):
Loveliness; I’ll pray for you.

Hydrangea:
Thank you for understanding.

Iris:
Faith and hope; wisdom and valor; my compliments.

Larkspur:
Lightness and swiftness.

Lily (general):
Purity of the heart.

Lily (calla):
Beauty.

Lily (tiger):
Wealth.

Lily (white):
Innocence, purity, sweetness and majesty.

Lily (yellow):
Gratitude.

Lily of the Valley:
Return to happiness; humility.