Gentlewoman: Etiquette for a Lady, From a Gentleman (28 page)

It’s not against any law to dislike future/current in-laws. People are people and not every family member is pleasant. The goal is always to maintain cordiality, but don’t feel obligated to invite them over every weekend.

Now, let’s get on to the next phase and best phase.

The Marriage:
Some want it. We all need it, but we don’t all understand it. Do you know what it means to say I love you? Do you realize what you’re saying? You’re agreeing to never give up; care more for that person than for yourself; not wanting what you don’t have; have no ego or arrogance; not forcing yourself on that person; not always being “me first;” never flying off the handle; keeping no score of wrongdoing and never to revel when that person grovels. Instead, you’re saying you’re to take pleasure in the flowering of truth, put up with anything, trust God always, always look for the best, never look back, but keep going to the end. Now ask yourself, do you really love him? Does he really love you?

Have you gotten so used to saying, “We” that you no longer desire to say “I” anymore? Love isn’t just those butterflies in your stomach. It isn’t about getting your way. Love is about service. It’s about taking unpopular routes and not always doing what you feel like doing for the benefit of another. Love makes self-centeredness the enemy. It’s the most selfless act you can commit. It’s easy to be loved, but not always easy to love. To say, “I love you,” says “I know exactly who you are, and I accept you still. I will lay down my very own life for you.” There’s nothing more comforting than that. That’s what a marriage is. May that very love sustain you, flow through your bloodline and shake the earth at its very core.

NOTE
: Never allow someone to use love against you. Love isn’t rape. Love isn’t pain. Love isn’t forced. Love is beautiful, and it’s natural. Have discernment. Know the difference.

“Pray for your marriage before you get into it.” –Grandma Frettie Jackson

Let no one push you into getting married. It’s a lifetime decision that requires prayer, not pressure. In making the honorable decision to unite your love into one, be certain that you’ve selected the proper suitor. If there are ever any doubts, then don’t say I do. Don’t go into a marriage with any uncertainty. It’s better to break an engagement than it is to break a lifetime. Marriage is a fresh start. Don’t come into marriage saying, “This is how it’s done because this is how we did it growing up.” You must cleave to your spouse and honor your new life together. It’s about redemption. The past no longer matters, so don’t bring up past mistakes. If you’re not prepared to accept this, you’re not prepared for marriage.

Marriage is a mirror. It’s a confrontation with yourself that shows you who you are by revealing the depth of your faults and strengths. People often run from their faults, but marriage won’t allow that. It might the first time your flaws directly affect you. You can ruin your own life through marriage. Many don’t understand this truth and end up blaming their spouse in divorce court. If you humbly submit to your marriage, it will make you the best possible version of yourself. This goes both ways for woman and man.

Speak highly of your spouse. Never belittle your partner to anyone. Keep your business in-house. God comes first, and your spouse comes right after. Your kids come next. If your foundation isn’t in order, nothing else will be. This includes your marriage and your family. A marriage needs way more planning than a wedding–don’t believe the hype. Marriage won’t be perfect because nothing is, but marriage is the most beautiful honor in the world. There will be seasons of summers and seasons of winters. You will fall out of like with your spouse because emotions come and go. This isn’t a time to be weak and reconsider the union. It’s a time to be strong and get back to that joyous place. You have to be intentional in marriage. You must make the decision to love when you don’t feel like it or feel the other person deserves it. Sometimes you’ll be the strong one, and other times you’ll need your spouse to be. But when you don’t trust God to meet your deep needs, you transfer the expectation to your marriage and set it up for failure. Spiritual needs can’t be met by human beings. Just like a laptop computer must stay connected to its power source, so too do couples. People don’t have enough to rely on their own supply. Keep your marriage connected to your power source.

Ignore those statistics meant to scare you. Statistics shouldn’t just reflect unmarried women; they should reflect unmarried women who have no desire to be married. Not every woman’s fairytale ends in a white dress. Many women are just fine with that. You can be disinterested in the idea of marriage, but don’t discount it. When people say marriage is just a piece of paper, I tell them their money, degree(s), job contract, laws and U.S. Constitution are too. A dating relationship isn’t until a death does you part – it’s until someone better comes along or something breaks you apart. Having a spouse with benefits is different than having a friend with benefits. Place whatever nametag or title you want on it, but you’re single unless you’re married. This fact
does not
excuse disrespect in any other form of commitment.

Sexual Symmetry:
You better balance your work life with your married life. That master’s degree isn’t going to provide you with a subtle neck kiss or make love to you.

Flirting after marriage
: Flirting is harmless as long as you are. Marriage shouldn’t take away your personality and glow. If you are naturally personable, keep being yourself. However, understand the difference between a smile and a lascivious wink. Don’t do or say anything that your partner wouldn’t be comfortable with or would place you in harm’s way.

The Bottom Line
: Marriage isn’t a joke – people are. Love doesn’t hurt – people do. Figure it out and live life.

The Divorce:
This should be your last result after exhausting all possible options to reconcile. The fact of the matter is that sometimes you marry the wrong person. Or you could be the wrong person that the right person married.

LOVE FELL IN LUST WITH HOPE

Divorce should never be your first option. It shouldn’t even be on your radar. The option to divorce should be hidden in a place so deep that your spouse has to go to the darkest place to access and trigger it. Just as you should pray before you make the decision to marry, pray before you make the decision to divorce. Whatever the decision, don’t beat yourself up over it. Handle the process like a gentlewoman and move on with life as best you can. It will get better! You’re not damaged goods. Life isn’t over. God still loves you.

Happily Ever After:
Is there such a thing? Well, it’s all about perspective. Contentment is the real “happily ever after.” Being content in a relationship doesn’t mean lowering your standards. Keep your standards–they’re meant to protect you. But keep your mind in the process, because you’ve lost it if you think you’ll ever have a relationship without problems. Happily ever after is a decision because happiness is a choice. It isn’t dependent upon situational variables. Your happiness is happening right now...unless you chose not to see it. That doesn’t mean to be naive. It means to stop focusing on the little bit that’s wrong with him and enjoy what’s right, or get left.

Relationships are flawed because you are. People are. People will always have problems, but if he loves you and the good outweighs the bad, learn contentment. Never become so invested in the perception of someone else’s joy that you fail to notice your own.

The best relationships often occur by accident…don’t be afraid to get into an accident. Be open. Be ready.

Don’t be afraid of getting hurt. Instead, be afraid of losing all common sense, settling and failing to see the obvious. Every time you get into a relationship, there’s risk of heartbreak. Every time you get into a car, there’s risk of a fatal accident. You’re afraid of a relationship, but you’re not afraid to drive? Common sense is a seat belt. You might experience pain in a wreck, but the impact is less damaging. Love won’t hurt you, but people will. We’re flawed. Go ahead and reserve a space in your heart for disappointment, but enjoy life, still.

Dating will never be successful without vulnerability. If you desire something serious, you’re going to have to put yourself out there. Commitment scares us just as much as it scares you. Understand when a risk is worth it and select wisely. Submission is permission to be vulnerable. Whatever we give a good woman, she’ll make greater, including us. Whatever you give a good man, he’ll make greater, including you. Drive safely.

Interlude
Gentlemen’s Section

Gentlemen’s Section:
Man Cave

Let’s be honest – men are reading this book. Whether they sneak a peak while their girlfriend is away, or they want to see what all the hype is about – a man is reading this section right now.

This brief interlude serves as a summary of what men need to know about this book.

• You know she’s the right one when you display unnecessary resistance. Pretending you don’t like her is high school. Graduate. She floods your thoughts, but you’re too cool to accept this truth, so you fight it. You push her away. You convince yourself you’re uninterested because you’re afraid. You’re afraid of the possibilities. You’re afraid to be responsible. You’re afraid to be great. But a secure woman isn’t waiting around for you to date her – she’s living life. Next time you look up, she’ll be married…and pregnant…and happy. OK, maybe not pregnant, or married for that matter, but she’ll be happily living life without you. As men, we feel like our money has to be right, and all things in place before we take that next step. But the true beauty and essence of a woman is constant. It’s overflowing. It can’t be contained in a space of waiting. If you don’t make your move, someone gladly will. Someday isn’t on the calendar. The most underrated moment is now! Don’t get so caught up “living life” that you have to learn to live with regrets. A Lady, who catches onto her worth, only puts up with the bull for so long. Get right or get left. If you have something to say, you should say it right now.
  
• One of the cleverest acts a woman commits is acting like she doesn’t know…she does. Women somehow know everything, so know that she knows…she just hasn’t said anything, yet.
  
• Maybe she wasn’t “crazy” until she met you. She was driven mad courtesy of you behind the wheel. There’s a difference. She was taken on an emotional trip, then halfway through the ride it was spontaneously decided she’s no longer wanted, and you left her stranded in the passenger seat with the car going full speed ahead. That’s crazy! Stop taking women on emotional journeys if you’re unprepared to accompany them for the ride. She was fine until she met you. Now she’s emotionally connected and invested from all the sex, lies and empty promises. Her emotional pain might be manifested in her sexuality. She was easy to smash, but you smashed her soul…genocide. That’s crazy! Your thrusts hit scars, reopening closed wounds, and you just move on to the next woman. “Crazy” is a weak person’s word for creating chaos without taking responsibility for the aftermath. You’re the crazy one for pulling a disappearing act and thinking she wouldn’t react. The one who creates and causes crazy and calls it crazy is always crazy. FYI: Some women are just plain crazies. Please disregard if this is the case.
  
• Chivalry doesn’t stop after dating. We get her, then forgot how we got her and do the bare minimum to keep her. If you opened the door for her on date one, open the door for her on date 101. The more you pour into her, the more you’ll get out of her. That’s what a healthy relationship is. She puts into a relationship exactly what she expects out of it. This isn’t for charity. A gentlewoman isn’t putting in all that work for a purse and some shoes. She can afford her own. She desires the intangibles: Time. Attention. Security. Reassurance. A relationship is an investment, and she invests her life where there’s the greatest return: Love, relationships and legacy. All else doesn’t matter much. Pay attention. When she offers up that kindness, love, care and that forgiveness – she expects it all back. Get off your throne and give it to her.
  
• Relationships are careers, and folks are lying on their application. How did you even get an interview? Stop blowing up your little resume:
  
  • Focuses on one task at a time
    
  • Proficient listening skills
    
  • Takes direction well