Gazelle (41 page)

              He leans forward and points his cellphone at her.
 “
I do
n’
t dislike you, Alice.  I do
n’
t think anything about you, really, except that your presence in my frien
d’
s life is confusing him.  His social life and his work are one entity.  Ther
e’
s no separation between the two, understand?  What he does, whom he chooses to be with, whom he is
seen
with, they all have repercussions in both facets.  Maybe a few years down the line, when h
e’
s more credible and established, it wo
n’
t make a difference but it does right now.  Tha
t’
s why
I’
m involved in this.  Until he has the ability to stand on his own, I am here to make sure nobody, and nothing, knock him down
.
”
“
You think
I’
m going to knock him down
?
”
              He shakes his head, glancing at his vibrating phone before ignoring it.
 “
No, I do
n’
t think you are.  I think h
e’
s got enough momentum right now that i
t’
d take a lot more than dating his PA to ruin him even a little bit.  But
I’
m the kind of optimist that likes to make sure his bases are covered.    You care about him, probably even love him.  So you understand, then, where
I’
m coming from
.
”
              She stares at him, neither looking away from one another.
 “
You want me to go away
.
”
“
N
o…
I want you to do what is best, for both of you, really.  I want you to really think about the bigger picture.  How do you think it would be?  Yo
u’
ve seen into his world, just glimpsed it, really.  Can you really picture yourself, living in Hollywood, shopping, going to clubs and shows, hanging out with his friends?  Can you really tell me yo
u’
d like that?  Because I can tell you, i
t’
s not going to change.  He may fly back and forth between the coasts, live in random areas here and there for work, travel to Europe, even, maybe spend some time out there.  But his home is
here
.  This is where the work is, the money is.  This is the final destination.  Can you really tell me you want this for you?  For the two of you?  You saw the publicity he and Sharleen have had.  Followed everywhere,
everywhere
.  Th
e‘
Phone-ograph
y
’ age is still relatively young, but i
t’
s strong and getting stronger.   And there is
n’
t anywhere you guys will go where someone wo
n’
t snap a picture of some kind.  I have a file this thick
,
” he says, his hands spread apart from one another
,“
of you two together, already.  Can you imagine once you go public?  Can you really, truly, tell me you could handle that kind of exposure
?
”
              She looks away, fighting her tears, her spine curving as she shrinks into herself at the thought.  He rises to his feet, glancing around at the art.
 “
These are
n’
t bad, Alice.  You should consider selling them.  I have a few friends who might be able to help you show them. 
I’
ll send them your contact info
.
”
              She does not respond, does not rise as he moves to the front door.  He stops and looks back at the sad woman, almost feeling pity.  He frowns and opens the door, putting his glasses on.
 “
Alice, take care of yourself
.
”

              Julian yawns and stretches against the seat of his car in the early hours before dawn.  His first day.  He glances at the passenger seat sadly and back out at the empty streets, still damp and glistening from the cold night.  She should be there.  Sitting there, curled up in her pajama pants, sipping coffee and flipping through her magazines.  Reading him stories about climate change or Bucky balls, half of which neither of them understood.  He tightens his grip and replays their last conversation again.

              The phone vibrates in his pocket.  He swerves struggling to retrieve it.  His heart sinks with disappointment as he looks down and sees his brothe
r’
s name. 

              They have not spoken since Jame
s’
s outburst at the party.  The entire family left the next morning without sayin
g‘
good-bye
.
’
 
He had
n’
t noticed, initially, still wrapped in the aftermath of dealing with Alice, and then Sharleen, who had caused her own scene once the crowd dispersed and they were left alone.  It was CeCe who drew his attention to their absence, handing him a card from his mother, telling him how proud she was of him and much she loved him.

              He hits the button and presses the phone to his ear.
 “
Hi, James
.
”
“
Hello, Julian.  I know i
t’
s early there bu
t…
i
t’
s your first day, right
?
”
“
Yeah
,
” he says
,“I’
m on my way right now.  Everything alright?  You guys get back okay
?
”
“
Everythin
g’
s fine.  I just wanted to call and wish yo
u‘
good luck
.
’”

“
Thanks, man.  That means a lot
.
”
“
Julian, what I said that night, it did
n’
t come out right.  I want you to know that
I’
m here for you, man.  I know we do
n’
t see things the same way, bu
t
…” he trails off.

“
I know, James.  Thanks, I feel the same way
.
”
“
You hear about people getting famous and doing crazy shit.  Ruining themselves, killing themselves, really.  I do
n’
t think yo
u’
re like that, bro, I do
n’
t.  I know yo
u’
re stronger than all that shit.  But after the last time, with Lindsay and all you went through, I had to see it myself.  And
I’
m not gonnalie, it did
n’
t look too good.  Not that
I’
m judging you,
I’
m not.  But I needed to make sure you knew that, no matter how dark or bleak or foreign shit gets, you have a home, you have people who truly love you.  I just-I could
n’
t live with letting that shit eat you alive and you not knowing that, you understand
?
”
              Julian smiles and sighs.
 “
James, we all geteaten alive.  I
t’
s how you weather it that matters
.
”
“
I know.  My life is
n’
t-is
n’
t the perfect life you described, either.  I know that I do
n’
t have all the answers.  But
I’
m in a certain position that you are not. 
I’
m with our family, and yo
u’
re not, yo
u’
re all alone out there, you have been for a really, really long time.  We all worry about you, a lot.  So much, Julian, you have no idea
.
”
              He chokes, startled by the sudden rush of emotion.  He ca
n’
t speak, it seizes the ability in his chest in a great wave of anguish.   And James senses it. 

“
We love you, Julian
,
” he says.
 “
And w
e’
re here, no matter what.  When yo
u’
re ready, when you need us, w
e’
re here.  Always
.
”

              She called CeCe the next morning and made sure he would be out when she arrived.  The house is perfect again, no traces of the party or decorations remain.  Even the tree has been removed.  It looks completely unlived in.  She wanders through, sniffling as she heads towards the kitchen.  CeCe stands at the bar, tapping into her laptop, her glasses resting on the bridge of her nose.  She looks up at Alice, and Alice immediately begins to cry.  Without a word, she moves to Alice and holds her.  For a long while, they hold one another in silence.

              When they pull apart, CeCe dabs at her face with a napkin.  Alice takes the napkin and slowly begins to collect her things.

“
What are you going to do now
?
” CeCe asks her.

“
Leavin
g…
naturally
.
”
“
Where
?
”
“
A
h…
see, if I tell you that, you might be forced to give it up during interrogation.  I promise, once
I’
m settled, I will tell you. I
t’
s a good thing, I need a change.  I never felt like I really fit in here, anyways
.
”
“
Well, I know, for a fact, I will really miss you.  You know, when he first showed up with you, I knew you were special.  He does
n’
t just make friends, and he never lets anyone into this part of his life.  But it was
n’
t until I got to know you that I realized you were
n’
t just special to him.  Yo
u’
re a truly, lovely young woman.  Strong.  Stronger than a lot of women
I’
ve known
.
”
“
Why do I feel like I got eaten alive, then
?
” she whispers.

              CeCesmiles.
 “
We all get eaten alive.  The true sign of strength is the ability to weather it and still look good.  And, hon, you are beautiful
.
”

              Alice swallows her tears and nods.
 “
Thanks.  I wish I had been stronger, though.  I do.  I just ca
n’
t. 
I’
m not going to fight him anymore.  I tried, CeCe, I really did
.
”
“
I know you did.  You are
n’
t walking away because you gave up, I know.  We all want wha
t’
s best for the ones we love
.
”
              She nods and hugs her again.
 “
Thanks, that means a lot
.
”

              She slowly starts to move towards the doorway.  Her eyes flutter around the room, still foreign and cold, like stock houses realtors take their clients to.
 “
Do me a favor
?
”
“
Sure
.
”
“
Do
n’
t tell him
I’
m gone, like, really gone.  Tell him I called you and needed a few more days.  Tell him
I’
ll be in touch
.
”
“
You want me to lie to him
?
”
“
A white lie.  He needs to focus on his movie.  I do
n’
t want to make it any worse
.
”

“
Will
you be in touch
?
”
              Alice smiles sadly.
 “
With you, yes.  But once I leave someone, tha
t’
s it. 
I’
m done
.
”

“
Take care of yourself, Alice
.
”
“
You, too
.
”