Gazelle (39 page)

“
I know, I know.  I could
n’
t wait.  I made Alice take me, she said the same thing you just sai
d…
but with much more insistence and less outrage. 
I’
m sorry.  Is everyone here
?
”
“
Yeah
.
”
              Scott pats his chest condescendingly and moves into the room, greeting their friends, submerging into the crowd before Julian can say another word.  Julian turns to Alice, his face stone.  She stares back, undaunted by his anger or challenge.  Without a word, she moves past him into the crowd, following after Scott.

              The party shifts from the polite, adult socializing to a more primal, youthful interaction as the night wanes and the drinking increases.  Older couples like CeCe and her husband have left.  Emily left as well, leaving Mike to his debauchery.  Julia
n’
s mother, with the children, took the hired car back to the hotel, leaving his brother and sister-in-law behind at their request.  The backyard has become the centralizing area of the party, yet the two remain in their corner, engaging only remotely with the crowd.  Julian sips his Jack and diet coke, one of many, with his arm around Sharleen.  He studies the group of people Alice and Scott stand in before him, but not a part of him, laughing and talking in a way he has never seen Alice before.  She glows beneath the stringed lighting, her short dress puffing around her like a little fairy tutu.  Her arms dark and smooth, holding onto Scott.  And Scott, towering over her in a ridiculous, clown-like fashion, laughing and flirting like he had with every girl Julian had ever seen him with.  He leans down and whispers something into her ear.  She laughs her seal laugh and swats him, as she had a thousand times to Julian.

“
Hon?  Did you hear me
?
”
“
Hm?  No, what
?
” Julian mumbles, sipping his drink.

“
I asked if you were having a good time.  You seem really quiet tonight.  Like, way more quiet than usual
,
” Sharleen says, leaning up at him with her sparkling eyes.

              He frowns down at her silly face and knows, in that second, he is done with her.  There is nothing her charm and sexiness can do.  He remembers Scot
t’
s words about her; sexist, passive aggressive and snide comments about her vapid personality.  He curses himself for not seeing it sooner, glaring up at Scott engaged in another secret with Alice.

“I’
m fine.  The part
y’
s fine
.
”

“
Are you sure?  You can tell me, hon. Ifther
e’
s something wrong
-
”

“
Like
?
”
“
I do
n’
t know.  Tha
t’
s why
I’
m asking.  If ther
e’
s something wrong, you can tell me
.
”

“
Like what
?
”
“
Did I do something
?
”
              He laughs and shifts his weight away from her, struggling to hide his annoyance at her head tilt and imploring gaze.
 “
What?  No, of course not.  Why would you think that
?
”
“
Wel
l…
I do
n’
t know.  Yo
u’
ve just been real distant lately.  And tonight, you just seem like you do
n’
t want to be here at all
.
”
“
We just got back from a trip, Sharleen.    We just spent the past 4 days together, you and me, nobody else
.
”
“
So, what are you saying?  Are you sick of me
?
”
“
No,
I’
m saying-how have I been distant? Exactly, how have I been any different than I normally am
?
”
“
I do
n’
t kno
w
…” she is openly pouting now, her high cheeks flushing as she wraps an arm around herself and stares out over the crowd.
 “
You jus
t…
ever since that pictur
e…
yo
u’
ve just been acting weird is all
.
”

“
Oh, Jesus, here we go again
,
” he mutters into his cup.

“
Do
n’
t do that
,
” she whispers, narrowing her eyes at him. 

“
I already told you, many times, Sharleen.  It was nothing
.
”
“
Yeah, I know.  I got that.  But you two are acting really weird for it bein
g‘
nothing
.
’”
“
Ah,
c’
mon!  Weird ho
w…
really?  You have
n’
t seen us together the whole night
!
”
“
Exactly!  You have
n’
t said one word to her, tha
t’
s the point.  You two are normally joined at the hip like goddamn Siamese twins!  I ca
n’
t get a word in at all when sh
e’
s around and, when sh
e’
s not around, yo
u’
re texting one another all day long.  And suddenly, like, you do
n’
t even speak, like, at all to each other?  After four days
?
” she hisses, glancing around to make sure no one takes notice.

“
Because we do
n’
t want to draw any attention to it.  Tha
t’
s what everyon
e’
s waiting for, right?  They wanna see us talk to each other.  They wannawatch our every move to see if i
t’
s true, if
I’
m really fucking my assistant, right
?
”
“
Nobody is waiting to see if tha
t’
s true, Julian.  Nobody cares
,
” she says, very quietly.

“
Then why are you busting my balls about it
?
” he asks, exasperated.
“
Because you ca
n’
t take your fucking eyes off of her
,
” she hisses through gritted veneers, glaring hatefully at him.

              He stares down at the starlet who smoothes her hair and smiles triumphantly.  She pushes past him and moves towards her group of friends, laughing and joyful, her acting the best he had ever seen from her.

              The bartender sets the drink in front of him before he even orders it.  He looks at the stout man, recalling his first meeting with Alice.  It seems like another lifetime.  He felt, from the moment they met, he knew her, and she him.  He remembers that day he spent, the next day, riding along side her, in her world a million miles from his.  How envious he felt to be anonymous, to blend so easily into her side.  And she, humble and fierce, moving through the world without fear or hesitation.  Embracing everything in the passionate fire of truth he sought desperately.  How could he bring her into his world?  Let her see him for such a fraud?  How could he order such a person to pick up his clothes?  Serve him?  He was suddenly overcome with shame and guilt as he realized how pathetic he had been, how vile he had treated her.  He remembered that night, kissing her, distracting himself with sex through her,
through her
!  As if she could ever be treated that way!  Her laugh, her sharp wit, her great heart, her perseverance.  Her unwavering loyalty, even when he paraded around her in his own self-destructive illusion.  And suddenly, he remembers the look in her eyes, looking up at him with the tears from his suffering, pulling him back from the absence.  She loved him.  She really, truly loved him, like humans love one another, naturally and from the good of her heart.  And he had been blinded to it.  He had chosen to ignore it and to continue on with his illusion.  He had chosen to go on a trip with hi
s‘
bear
d
’ of a girlfriend.  He had chosen to ignore Alic
e’
s love and devotion, asking her to schedule him a facial instead.
 “
Oh, dear go
d
…” he whispered with the realization of what he had done. 

              He turned quickly to find her, to see the look in her eye she had that night, tears running down her face.  The corner she and Scott occupied is empty.  His mind searches frantically, up and down the halls and rooms of his house, panicked.  He takes a step towards the door, his heart beating hard, as his brother approaches. 

“
Julian
,
” James begins.

“
Not now, James
.
”
“
Julian, we need to talk
.
”
“I’
m-no
w’
s not a good time
,
” he says, and then, to a woman laughing as she passes by
,“
Kim, have you seen Alice
?
”
“
Ah..Isaw her earlier with Scott.  I have
n’
t seen her since
.
”
“
Julian, I just need a minute
.
”
“
Damn it, James, not now
!
”
“
Then when!?  You tell me, brother, when?
!
”

              The crowd around them falls into an awkward silence, watching the two.  Julian struggles to control himself, staring contemptuously at his brother.

“
Fine.  What is it
?
”
“
I have been waiting here, all night, for you to acknowledge my wife and me.  Waiting, patiently, for you to treat us, God, I do
n’
t know-like people, like everyone else at this party.  I do
n’
t expect you to treat us like friends,I do
n’
t expect you to treat us like family.  I know that would be asking too much.  But, Jesus, Julian.  You do
n’
t even care that w
e’
re
here
.  You have
n’
t once come talk to us.  What have we done to you to merit this kind of disrespect?  Tell me, what?  Please, because this
,
” he gestures around him
,“
all this, ca
n’
t keep up
.
”
              Julian laughs and shakes his head.
 “
Yo
u’
re unbelievable.  Yo
u’
re on my case for months about getting together and, when I finally have you here, knowing yo
u’
re gonnasit on your fucking high horse and judge me, you tell me you fee
l‘
disrespecte
d
’ because I have
n’
t talked to you the whole night?  Really?  I mean, who the fuck do you think you are
?
”
“I’
m your brother, Julian
.
”
“
Yeah, well, I do
n’
t know what you want from me
.
”
“
I want you to talk to me!  Treat me like a human being instead of a goddamn leper
!
”
“
What do you want me to say?!   What could you possibly want to hear from me?  You want me to tell you about my fucking, hot, actress girlfriend?  My fucking bullshit mansion?  The cars, the photo shoots and magazine covers, the parties, the money?  You want to know what I do on a daily basis?  You want to know my work out schedule and what I eat, what my world revolves around?  You want to know how fucking clic
h
é my whole life has become?  Because
I’
m pretty sure you do
n’
t, James. 
I’
m pretty sure, compared to your suburban, wet dream, with the beautiful little wife and the perfect little kids and the mapped out future, my life is a toxic, shit, bore from hell, no matter how much you resent me for m
y‘
freedom
.
’
 
So, you tell me,
you tell me
, what you want me to say.  Give me my line and
I’
ll say it, any way you want, okay?  Just get the fuck off my back
.
”
              Julian glares at him.  James shakes his head, pity in his eyes.
 “
Julian, I just want you to talk to me.No line
s…
just talk to me
.
”
              Julian laughs, his head tilted up at the sky.  He drops his gaze to Sharleen, who wears no expression he has ever seen.  One of fear, or shock, complete, stupid bewilderment.
 “
Fuck this
,
” he says, heading inside.