Gazelle (34 page)

              He wraps a hand around his bicep and squeezes, feeling himself slip into character.  Only, just as soon as the words began to leave his mouth, he realized it had happened, all of it.  It had been real.  No one had written it for him, he did
n’
t need to learn the lines.  It had happened.  He blinked, stunned at the realization, no longer pretending to remember but actually remembering.
 “
My-My dad was in the army.  He was a lieutenant.  We were stationed everywhere, all across the US and in Germany until I was about 8.  Then we were suddenly in Pennsylvania, which is where my dad was originally from.  And he was
n’
t stationed anywhere, he was in a VA hospital, only I did
n’
t know that until his cancer was stage 4.  I thought he was just on base or deployed or something.  My mom took my brother and me to see him one day, not telling us until we got to the door, that he was very sick.  She told us he was sick and that we needed to tell him we loved him.  So, she opened the door and I saw this emaciated skeleton that had my da
d’
s eyes, staring at me like h
e’
d seen a ghost.  He smiled and I wanted to scream.  But my mom shoved me and my brother in, and we stood by his bedsid
e…
staring at all the tubes and shit blinking, not knowing what to do.  He whispered my name and held out his hand.  My dad, he was always a very strong, quiet man
,…
very strong, big, you know?  Did
n’
t ever show any kind of emotion, really.  He was
n’
t mean or anything, just very reserved.  The man lying in the bed looked terrified and shrunken.  And then, all of a sudden, he started
-
” Julian catches his breath at a memory he had
n’
t realized existed.  He starts to shut down, redirect, fight. Alice gently unwraps his hand from his bicep and takes it in her own.  He frowns and clears his throat.
 “
He started crying out, howling in pain, just, all of a sudden, out of nowhere.  They rushed us out but left the door open and gave him more morphine.  I watched him writhing on the bed for a few minutes before going very still, staring up at the ceiling.  A few days later, he was dead
.
”

              He sniffs and tosses the empty water bottle to the ground.  It hits and bounces, rolling away into the night.  He squeezes and relaxes his hand in hers without realizing it.
 “
At the funeral, I did
n’
t understand what was happening.  I knew he was dead and they were burying him, but it did
n’
t really set in, you do
n’
t know what forever is as a kid.  It was so fucking hot, all I could think about was how much I wanted it to be over so I could get out of that suit.  We were standing at the grave, waiting for them to lower the casket and my brother leaned over and whispered
,‘
I bet you ten bucks you cry
.
’
 
And I whispered,
 ‘I’
ll bet you ten bucks
you
cry
.
’
 
He said
,‘
yo
u’
re o
n’
, and I felt like we were playing a little game.  I started panicking, thinking about all the things that might make me cry.  I thought about my dad in the hospital, making that horrible screaming sound, and I almost did.  But I thought,if I just act like everythin
g’
s fine, like how my dad would act, the dad I remembered, I wo
n’
t cry.  And I felt like almost smiling, you know?  And then I looked up at my brothe
r…
he was staring at my mom across from us with my uncles, tears rolling down his cheeks, sucking his lip.  I did
n’
t-I knew I should
n’
t look but I could
n’
t stop myself.  I looked and saw her wailing and weak, just crumbled in their arms.  They were holding her and they were all crying.  Grown men, big men like my dad, balling like kids.  I did
n’
t even know they could do that until then
.
”

              He blows out steadily, feeling himself closing in.   There was a calm that took him, even as he riddled with the anguish this memory stirred.
 “
I started getting that tight feeling you get in your throat when yo
u’
re trying not to cry.  I looked down at the casket and kept staring at the shiny, silver li
d…
it was so shiny.  I did
n’
t look up again, did
n’
t look any direction at all, except at the lid.  My aunt rushed over to us when she saw my brother and started hugging us, crying just like my mom.  But I was fine.  The tightness was gone, I just felt num
b…
cal
m
…”

              She wraps herself around his arm, hugging her head into his chest as she cries softly.  He strokes her hair, staring far off, imagining it is he comforting her even as the frantic need to escape overwhelms him.  She looks up at him, drawing his face to hers, imploring him to stand firm.  He looks down, stunned to see her openly crying, and gently brushes tears from her great, doe eyes with his thumb in amazement.  Her forefingers touch his dry, smooth cheeks where tears should be.  He smiles and closes his eyes and kisses her fingers.  He does not open his eyes again, finding her lips instinctively, kissing her softly and lightly as he embraces her, lifting her from the ground in his grasp.  She kisses him back without fear or softness, strong and passionate, wrapping her arms around his neck and drawing her into him, imploring him to
feel
.  He has never known such a surge, such a relief, such ultimate desire for another human, yet he still feels himself detach.  She is smaller than him, lighter than him, but an equal nonetheless, and he is suddenly terrified of his vulnerability in her presence.  I
t’
s not the memory,i
t’
s not him sharing it.  It is
her
, listening, understanding, blatantly sympathetic.  He pins her down to the hood of his car, his mind detached, the memories gone, leaving a blatant, raw pain in their wake.  She clings to him, struggling to breath under his great weight as he shoves against her in an animalistic craze to block the anguish, kissing her madly while he pulls up her dress and wraps her leg around him, holding her while he pushes into her.  She cries out as he bites into her neck, his hands reaching between her legs.

“
Wait, stop
!
” she says, shoving him away.

              He stops, panting against her throat, slowly returning to his senses.

“
Julian, I ca
n’
t-this is
n’t
…”
“
I know
,
” he says, instantly regaining his composure, pulling himself off of her.  She rises off the hood and straightens her dress.
 “I’
m sorry. I do
n’
t know what
I’
m doing. 
I’
m so sorry
.
”
“
N
o…
i
t’
s okay.  I
t’
sjust-you ca
n’
t just
fuck
me, tha
t’
s not what I wanted
-
”

“
I know,
I’
m sorry
.
”

              They stand, their foreheads pressed against one another for a long time.

“
Are things going to be weird now
?
” she asks.

“
It would be weird if they were
n’
t
,
” he whispers, smiling.

              The hostess leads him through a maze of white and green tables underneath large umbrellas and foliage from gnarled trees that sway in the December morning at the Polo Lounge.  The patio is nearly empty, most people preferring indoor seating to the nippy, early hours.  The hostess moves through the serpentine rows, to a table in direct sunlight.  Julian smiles down at Mike who talks rapidly into his phone. 

“
Here you go, sir
,
” she says while pulling his chair out for him and placing the menu on the table.
 “
Can I get you anything to drink
?
”
“
Do you have iced green tea
?
”
 
Julian asks.

“
We do
.
”
“
Great, thanks
.
”

“
Make that two
,
” Mike says, putting his phone down.  He stares at Julian for a moment, his mouth contorted into a hesitant smile.
 “
Late night
?
”
              Julian laughs and picks up the menu.
 “
Why, do I look like shit?  Wher
e’
s Nathan
?
”
“
H
e’
s running a little late.  I
t’
s good, it gives us a chance to catch up
.
”
              Julian looks up at Mike over his menu.  The agent openly scrutinizes him, tapping his fingers on his phone.  He notices he cannot see Mik
e’
s eyes through the sunglasses and slowly pulls his own out, having tucked them away when he stepped into the building.  He slides them on and returns his attention to the menu.

“
Did you get a chance to look over those scripts I gave your assistant
?
”
“
U
h…
sort of.  I brought them to Costa Rica and looked them over on the plane.  I did
n’
t really feel any of them, you know
.
”
              Mike falls into an unnatural silence, causing Julian to stop.
 “
Why?  Is something wrong
?
”
“
No, no
,
” Mike says casually.
 “
Nothin
g’
s wrong.  I thought maybe you might have been interested in a few of them, tha
t’
sall.  Kind of your style
.
”
“
I ca
n’
t really think about anything else so much right now.  And, uh, most of them were sort o
f
…”
“
What
?
”
“
Obvious. Lame.  There was like, no complexity to the stories or the characters.  Totally predictabl
e…
I do
n’
t know.  I sort of feel like they were going backwards
.
”
“
Backwards, huh?  Tha
t’
s kind of funny, actually
.
” Mike laughs.
 “
In an ironic way, of course
.
”
“
What do you mean?  What are you getting at, Mike, yo
u’
re acting really strange
.
”
“
Have you talked to Rhonda today
?
”
“
I
t’
s 8 AM.  I have
n’
t talked to anyon
e…
Why
?
”
“
I have. 
I’
ve talked to someone.  I talked to Charles Wallace.  Do you know Charles
?
”
“
No
.
”
“
No, you do
n’
t.  You do
n’
t because Rhonda and I go through very meticulous, painstaking care to shield you from guys like o
l
’ Charlie
,
” he mumbles, scooping up his phone and typing furiously.
 “
I just sent you a little present.   Open it
.
”
              Julian laughs uncomfortably and picks up his vibrating phone.  He hits his texts, sees Mik
e’
s message and opens it.  A picture of him and Alice at the drive-thru.  He is smiling, a smile he has never seen on his own face.  His face is barely recognizable as his own, full of humility and totally disarmed, like a child.  Alice, however, wears no make-up and is scowling, her cleavage spilling out of her tight dress as she leans towards the camera in mid sentence, her mouth hanging open, her hair a tangled mess, a bag of fast food in her hand.  It is the worst picture of her he could have imagined.

“
Oh, shi
t
…” he whispers.

“
Yes!  Tha
t’
s exactly what I said!
 ‘
Oh, shi
t
’
…
followed by a series of threats I plan for Wallace involving a very large knife and his sagging, shit sack career.  A threat I intend to follow through with right after this meeting.  I mean, fuck, Julian.  What the fuck,
c’
mon
!
”
              Julian smirks and tosses his phone down.  He picks up the menu and starts reading again.
 “
Who cares, so what
?
”
“
Who cares?  Are you kidding me right now? Do you not remember the photo of Brittany and
her
drive-thru dining experience?  Did you not see wha
t’
s sitting next to you?  I mean, Jesus Christ, she looks like a half dead hooker!  What the fuck did you guys do last night
?
”
“
Nothing!  She does not!  She had some trouble and I picked her up, tha
t’
s all
,
” Julian answers defensively.  

“
And then what, got hungry
?
”
“
Yeah, sure, why not?  Wha
t’
s the big deal
?
”
“
The
y’
re printing that yo
u’
re fucking her.  Yo
u’
re fucking your assistant.  I
t’
s going to be a huge scandal.  There are parasites outside Sharlee
n’
sapartment, right now, waiting to get a reaction shot
.
”
“
Oh, fuc
k
…” Julian whispers, panic setting in.

“
Yes,
that
is more like it.  I want you to appreciate the possible magnitude of the situation.  This could spiral completely out of control and ruin Natha
n’
s project before it even starts.  People love Sharleen, they adore her, sh
e’
sperfect.  Her da
d’
s a Hollywood
icon
, for fuc
k’
s sake!  They find out yo
u’
re screwing around
-
”

“I’
m not
!
”
“
-With this second-class troll, in public
-
”

“
Ay! Do
n’
t fucking call her that
!
”
 
Julian growls, slamming his palm down.

              Mike purses his lips and removes his sunglass.  He squints hard at the young actor while he regains his composure.  Julian breathes slowly and steadily, forcing himself to calm down.

“
Here you go, two iced green teas. Are you ready to order
?
” a waitress announces cheerfully. 

“
Give us a minute, honey
,
” Mike grumbles.  The waitress nods and shrinks quietly away from the tension.

“
What do I do, then?  Should I make some sort of announcement or have Rhonda issue a release
?
” Julian asks.

“
Do
n’
t worry about the release or Rhonda, tha
t’
s what you pay her for.  What you do now is take Sharleenaway for the week, some place public.  W
e’
ll make sure ther
e’
s lots of pictures.  This can be a big thing or a nothing.  If you act like yo
u’
re okay, you guys are in love and never been happier, this will probably just blow over
.
”
“
I ca
n’
t just leav
e…
what about Nathan
?
”
“I’
ve already talkto him about it.  He understands completely.  Ther
e’
s nothing really left to do, anyways.  Enjoy this time while you have it, I suppose
.
”
“
…
And Alice
?
”
              Mike sighs and drinks his tea, frowning at the taste in disgust.
 “
Wh
y’
d I order this?  It taste like feet
.
”
“
What about Alice, Mike
?
”
“
Well, if you send her away or fire her right now, you look guilty.  But if you parade her in public, in any way whatsoever, you also look guilty.  S
o…
I would just say business as usual.  But anything outside of business, like the shit last night, yo
u’
re on your own.  I know it does
n’
t seem like a big deal, a friend giving another friend a ride home or whatever the fuck you were doing, but you have to understand that this type of situation is no longer congruent with your reality
.
”
“
‘
Congruent
.
’
 
As i
n…?
”
“
As in, you are
not
the type of person to be seen driving through a drive-thru, hanging out with
that
type of person
,
” he says, jabbing his middle finger on Alic
e’
s face.
 “
Rhonda and I worked really fucking hard helping you and Sharleenalong, this completely undermines that effort
.
”
“
How
?
” Julian laughs.
 “
How, exactly, did yo
u‘
help us along
?
’
 
I mean, beside proposing some bullshi
t‘
bear
d
’ situation that neither of us were even into
?
”

              Mike looks at him, hard.
 “
There are things you will never understand, Julian, about this business, do
n’
t need to understand.  You make movies, you act, youmak
e‘
art
.
’
 
But you do it in a warzone of hellfire and heartbreak.  And ten steps ahead of you are people like Rhonda and me, making sure you do
n’
t step on a landmine that blows that pretty face of yours to shit.  Keep that in mind the next time you pull a stunt like this, okay,
buddy
?
”

              The banner is too long for the hearth.  She bends the edges, tucks the lettering closer together, but it will not fit above the fireplace like CeCe demanded. 

“
If I cli
p‘
Merr
y
’ an
d‘
Good
,
’ then i
t’
ll sa
y‘
Christmas Luc
k
’
…
which is kind of the same thing, I guess
,
” she mumbles, tearing through the sign with her box cutter.