Gazelle (32 page)

“
Why
?
”
“
Because h
e’
s a dick.  He offered to give me a ride hom
e…
I was really drunk.  I said, sure, wha
t’
s the harm? He started telling me this and that, he got all crazy, said I was sending him mixed signals.  I told him they were
n’
t mixed,h
e’
s just too stupid to understand.  He got pissed that I called him stupi
d…
he called me something, said some nasty shit, and I told him to pull over
.
”
 
She looks down at her hands, folding in a tiny fist in her lap.
 “
Go right
.
”

“
What did he call you
?
”
              She sniffs again and frowns, tears welling in her eyes.
 “
It does
n’
t matter.  He called me something he promised he never would.  Tha
t’
s all.  Fuck him
.
”

              He pulls up to the drive-thru, a line of cars stretching into the street.  He leans his chin on his fist, elbow braced against the window and waits nervously for her.  She pushes her hair back from her forehead and sighs a long, heavy sigh, laughing.
 “
I ca
n’
t believe he left me on the freeway
.
”
“
Yea
h…
tha
t’
s pretty fucked up
.
”
“
I know.  I mean, I told him to, but I did
n’
t think he would
,
” she laughs.
 “
Who does that??  He actually pulled over!  Fucking prick!  What a fucking day.  First, I fight with you, thenI fight with him.  What is this
,‘
Beat on the Alic
e
’ Day
?
”
“
…
Are you okay
?
”

“
…
Yeah. 
I’
m just-sotired.  I do
n’
t know why I keep doing this.  I do
n’
t love him,I do
n’
t even like him most of the time.  But I ca
n’
t
date
anyone else, though, like, I ca
n’
t move on, but from what?!  Ther
e’
s nothing there, nothing! 
I’
m not even attracted to him.  I work, I go home and paint, hang out at the pool hall, I watch TV and read and, just, wait around for what?  Running in little circles again and again and again and agai
n…
and then, when he tells me shit like he wants to marry me,
I’
m the one, and all I can think is
,‘
Wel
l…
what else you got?  Can you really be picky
?
’
 I’
m not getting any younger
.
”

              She leans her head against the window and closes her eyes.

“
But you do
n’
t love him
,
” Julian says.

“
No.  It would be so much easier if I did.  But I just do
n’
t
.
”

              They sit in silence, watching the caterpillar of red lights in front of them inch forward with each order. A slow smile spreads across her lips.

“
You rescued me
,
” she says without opening her eyes.

              He smiles shyly into his fist.
 “
Of course
.
”
“
My guerroknight in shining Rover
,
” she laughs.

“
What if I did
n’
t call you back?  What the hell were you gonnado
?
”
“
I know
!
” she says animatedly, sitting up with a sudden brightness.
 “
I called the fucking cab and told them I was on the freeway and they just laughed!  I started walking home!  If you had
n’
t called me back,
I’
d barely be to the off ramp
.
”
“
Tha
t’
s so dangerous.  Yo
u’
re crazy, you know that
?
”
“
What choice did I have? 
I’
m not gonnalet anyone treat me like that, ever
,
” she says. 

“
You guys looked pretty cozy at the bar-b-que.I thought maybe you were back together
,
” he says softly.

              She glares at him and shakes her head.
 “
I was drunk.  An
d…
i
t’
s just been a long time.  I guess I liked the attention is all.  But I told you before, never again.  You get the one shot and if you blow it, tha
t’
s it, done
.
”
              He leans his head into his seat, his eyes reading the menu at his side without seeing the food.
 “
Even if you love him
?
”
“
I do
n’
t love him
!
”
“
No, I know,
I’
m saying if you did.  If you loved him, would it still be just the one shot
?
”
              She studies the menu as well, mulling this thought.
 “
You mean, if I loved him, like, was
really
in love with him when I caught him
?
”
“
Yeah
.
”
“
N
o…
if I loved him, I would have fought for him, I think.  If I loved him, I would do everything in my power to protect that love and I would have fought for him
.
”

              He looks at her, into her swollen, child-like face.  She looks up at him and he sees it, then.
 “
Did you?  Did you fight for the guy before Anthony
?
”
              A small, fluttering sad smile wobbles across her lips, she looks away.
 “
Oh, Julian.  You think you know so much.  Not everything ends in happy ways.  I
t’
s not the movies
.
”
              They pull up to the speaker.
 “
Hi, how are you tonight
?
”
              Julian narrows his eyes at the menu, completely at a loss.  She leans over him.
 “
Give us a minute
.
”
“
Sure, let me know when yo
u’
re ready
.
”
“
What do you want
?
” he asks.

“
A water.  A big water
.
”
“
Tha
t’
s it?  You said you were hungry
.
”
“
I kno
w…
I feel sick though, I just want water
,
” she sighs, flopping dramatically back into her seat.

“
You feel sick because you need to eat. 
I’
m going to get you food
,
” he mumbles, reading over the menu again
.“
Hello
?
”

“
Hi, what can I get you
?
”

“
U
h…
two waters an
d…
Jesus, do you have some kind of salad
?
”
“
Yo
u’
re ordering salad in a Jack in the Box
?
” Alice snickers.

“
We have a garden salad-
,
” a young female voice answers.

“
Yeah, give me that.  No dressing
.
”

“
Anything else
?
”
“
No
.
”

“I’
ll have your total at the window
.
”

              He puts the car in gear and moves up.
 “
Why did
n’
t you eat at the bar-b-que?  There was so much food.  Angie did
n’
t make you eat
?
”
“
I was too busy helping set up and shit.  I did
n’
t have anytime.  And I was
n’
t really hungry.  I should have, I just never got around to it
,
” she says.

“
Hey, why did Angie keeping calling you Ali
cí
a?  Is that your real name
?
”
              She frowns and swats him
.“
Duh!  You did
n’
t know tha
t…
all this time
?
”
“
You told me your name was Alice!  How would I know?  Why do you go by Alice
?
”

“
I
t’
s from one of my favorite movies.  You ever se
e‘
Alice Does
n’
t Live Here Anymore
?
’”

“
…
No
.
”
“
No!?  What?  Harvey Keitel is the
shit
in that movie!  Scorsese in his youth, when he was still cutting his teeth?  How have
n’
t you seen it
?
”

“
I do
n’
t know!  I just have
n’
t.  Keitel, huh?  I love hi
m
…”
“
Yo
u’
re such a snob about movies,
I’
m shocked you have
n’
t seen it
.
”
“I’
m not-why does everybody keep saying that
?
”
              She laughs and unwinds her hair, shaking it loose again.
 “
Who else said that
?
”
“
Sharleen.  She kept making comments about how I only watche
d‘
film
s’
, not movies
.
”
“
You mean you do
n’
t watch crap lik
e‘
Darkest Days
.
’
 
God, that was so, so very bad
,
”
“
I know
,
” he winces, sucking his teeth.
 “
I
t’
s painful bad
.
”

              They reach the window and he digs for his wallet.

“
Her
e’
s your waters
,
” the cute, young cashier says.

“
Thanks
,
” he says, handing her money and grabbing the drinks.

              She blinks, her mouth dropping.
 “
Oh my god!  Are you Julian Russell
?
”
              He smiles and nods.
 “
Yeah
.
”
“
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my GOD!  I love you!  Oh my god, Samantha!  Come here
!
”
              Another girl rushes up to the window with the salad and squeals.
 “
Julian Russell
!
”