Gazelle (33 page)

“
Oh god
!
” Alice sighs
.“
Can we just go?  Fuck the food.  I am not in the mood for this
.
”

“
Here you go
!
”
 
The cashier hands him the salad while the other quickly snaps a picture of them.

“
Wait!  Did you just take our picture
?
” Alice scowls.

“
I
t’
s okay
,
” he says, placing a gentle hand on her
,“
Thanks, ladies.  Have a good night
.
”
“
Bye!  I love you
!
”
“
I
t’
s not okay!  I look like shit
!
” Alice growls as they drive away.

              Alice sits cross-legged on the hood of his car near Dodger stadium, picking through the salad like a bird.  Julian leans on the hood next to her staring up at the flickering, fluorescent light above their heads.  He replays the night, watching her move to his car in front of a blur of white headlights, speeding by, her hair twisting around her face.  How long had she been out there?  At least a half hour.  On the freeway, alone, unseen, in danger.  He studies her, a pile of tulle and polka dots, her hair twisted away from the food in her lap.  Tough tattoos, hard eyes.  And yet completely vulnerable.  He knows, if he sees Anthony again in any context, the exchange will be a very violent and bloody one. 

“
Feel better
?
”
“
Yeah, a little.  I do
n’
t want to talk about it anymore
,‘
kay?  Enough about me and my woes.  Tell me all about you.  How was your night?  How was dinner
?
”
              He shrugs.
 “
Okay.  We went to a party afterward
s…
it was kind of fun.  Lots of pretty people and pretty toys.  But I was just bored the whole time, really.  Same conversations over and ove
r…
I guess
I’
m just not really in a place to be real social right now
.
”
“
What are talking about?  You went to two parties and a fancy-town dinner tonight.  Tha
t’
s pretty much the definition o
f‘
social
.
’”

“
Yeah, but I did
n’
t really feel like doing any of it
,
” he says.

“
You did
n’
t have fun at the bar-b-que
?
”
“
N
o…
that was the most fun
I’
ve had in a long, long time. 
I’
m really glad I went.  Bu
t…
if I had
n’
t promised you I would go, I do
n’
t think I would have, you know
?
”
              She nods and flicks carrot shreds to the ground.
 “
Because of how badly you felt over destroying CeC
e’
sphone
.
”
              He winces and shakes his head once
.“
You really are too blunt sometimes, you know that
?
”
“
But in a good way, right?  Not in th
e‘
I wannasock you in the teeth when you open your mouth too bi
g
’ kind of way, o
r‘
leave you on the freeway in the middle of the nigh
t
’ kind of way, right
?
”

“
A little of both, I guess
,
” he grins.

“
Yeah, I get that a lot.  Seriously.  Wha
t’
s happening?  Wh
y’
d you freak out this morning
?
”
              He stretches his shoulders and cracks his neck.
 “
I would
n’
t call it a freak out
.
”
“
You cracked a mirror and shattered her phone
.
”
“
I kno
w…
I do
n’
t kno
w…
.Ijus
t…
the more I work with Nathan, the more I realize I might not be able to pull this off.  It means so much to him, and to me, really.  Like, when we started, I thought doing the ride-alongsand the bereavement training would get me in the right mind set
.
”
“
It did
n’
t
?
”
“
It did.  Tha
t’
s the problem.  I do
n’
t really feel like myself anymore.  I feel like
I’
m looking through everyone, straight into their suffering and fakeness.  Right past their f
aç
ade.  And I just feel like
I’
m surrounded by this fucking hellish circus nightmare nobody knows the
y’
re participating in
.
”
              He cracks open his water and chugs it.  She dusts her hands and leaps off the car onto the pavement.  With a quick motion, she tugs off her fishnets and tosses them to the side.  He raises his eyebrows at her, still drinking.

“
The
y’
re shredded and done
,
” she dismisses
,“
So, let me get this straight.  You have to play this guy who is completely aware of the suffering everybody goes through, including his own, and it is making you, what, do it in real life
?
”
“
Yeah, sort of.  Like, I read the script, which is great, it really is, but i
t’
s still a script.  And I ca
n’
t get past that.  The lines-as soon as I try to say them, I feel myself as the character, realizing h
e’
s a characte
r…
realizing
I’
m a character, too, and nothing I say will ever be real enough
.
”

“
But tha
t’
s the whole point of the script.  H
e’
s a character, created specifically to act
around
the absence, right?  H
e’
s not supposeto be real, h
e’
s suppose to be exaggerated
.
”
              He sighs, frustrated at her inability to understand.
 “
You do
n’
t get it.  Yeah, the guy lives in this world where everybody is ignoring a huge, huge absence
-
”

“
His dad
.
”
“
Right, his dad.  And he begins to realize in all the different ways that that plays out, in all of their lives.  His obsession with order and justice, with control and dominance, all stems from that absence.  He, at a crucial moment, begins to become aware of his character and the illusion of himself.  And it drives him insane.  I mean,  doyou get it?  I
t’
s making me
feel
insan
e…
like I just-stop and feel trapped and pointless and I want to scream or hit somethin
g
…”
              She is quiet for a long time, standing before him, rocking slowly back and forth on the cold pavement, testing the hardness of the gravel.
 “
His loss is the same as yours, in real life.  You really are him.  Tha
t’
s what yo
u’
re saying, right
?
”
              He cannot respond.  His brow furrows and he stares off towards the city lights.

“
Remember when you asked me if I fought for him?  Earlier, at the drive-thru
?
” she asks quietly.

“
Yeah
.
”
“
I never told anyone thi
s…
bu
t…
m
y
…” she stops and smiles, fighting to get the words out
.“
When I was a teenager, my mom kicked my dad out.  My dad was a very quiet, sad man, I think.  We did
n’
t do any family things together, he never went to any of our school things or anythin
g…
he was gone a lot.  He spent all his time working and going back and forth between the U.S. and Mexic
o‘
cuzwe have tons of family there.  The only thing he loved to do was watch TV.  He would just watch it for hours.  He did
n’
t even speak English very well but he did
n’
t care, he would just leave it on forever.  We would sit and watch it in silence, me and him, everything and anything that came on. I think that was the extent of our family time.  Anyway
s…
when my mom decided to leave him, he went to live with my uncle in the south bay.  We were supposeto like, visit him and shit, i
t’
s less than an hour away. And we did, for a few months, on the weekends.  Me and my big sister would show up and sit in his tiny, little garage room with him, doing nothing.  He had a hot plate,h
e’
d make us top ramen and tapa
tí
o, or left-overs from the front house.  I did
n’
t really want to be there, I hated it.  I think we all did.  It was cramped and cold, the TV only got one station poorly.  There was no place to sleep, just sleeping bags on the floor.  We did
n’
t
do
anything but sit around in this horrible silence, watching this broke ass TV.  So, me and my sisterstopped going.  We just stopped showing up.  And my dad, he did
n’
t try and get us to go over, he did
n’
t call or anything, so we figured it was fine.  Then one day, my uncle and aunt were visiting, and my mom asked how my dad was.  And my uncle said
,‘
H
e’
s good.  He went back to his wife and kids in Mexico because he had no more reasons to stay here
.
’
 
And me and my sister were like, whaaat?...My mom just froze. The look on her face, like a mac truck had hit it.  She did
n’
t say anything else and later, when everyone went home, I asked her about it.  She just shrugged and said all casually that, yeah, he was married to someone in Mexico, too.  They had four kids,two of them were me and my siste
r’
s ages.  She knew about it the whole time.  No big deal
.
”
“
Jesu
s
…” he whispers.

              She tucks her hair behind her ears.
 “
It was pretty awful.  I kept thinking about the brothers and sisters I had I would never know.  I always wondered if they got the good, happy version of him, maybe tha
t’
s why he was so sad and miserable, because he missed them so much, and we were the bad versions he was stuck wit
h‘
cuzthe mone
y’
s in the states.  I wondered if we were the fake family, the one on TV he had to watch because his real one was back home, waiting for him.  And I wonder if me and my sisterhad been more entertaining or valuable in some way, more real for him, maybe he would have stayed, you know?  Realized we were
n’
t so bad.  If we were good enough, maybe he would have chose us instead, and we would have been the real family he wanted
.
”
“
You ca
n’
t say that, you ca
n’
t guess what his reality was like
,
” he says.

“
You have to guess.  I
t’
s all you can do when someone you love is gone for good and you ca
n’
t do anything about it and yo
u’
ll never know for sure
.
”

              She leans against the car with him.
 “
So, you want to tell me, now that you know my deepest, darkest secret?  What happened to your dad, Julian
.
”
              He smiles sadly
.“
Yeah...yeah, I guess I have to, right
?
…”