Forbidden (Addicted to You Book 2) (2 page)

Chapter 1

“Fuck!” Pain seared through my wrist and down into my arm as I jerked my hand back and began to shake it. “Jesus Fucking Christ that hurt!” The idea to punch a vehicle had been a bad one, but I hadn’t really been thinking when I’d done it.

Typically I wasn’t an angry person. I made it through most of the days in a pretty good mood. But when that anger did hit— watch out world.

“Spence,” Kevin’s whining made me want to turn that anger on him. “What the hell are you doing to my baby?”

Leave it to my brother to care more about a damn car than he did anything else. I didn’t understand it. Probably never would. But that was Kevin.

“Me? She’s trying to break my damned hand,” I shouted at him— my voice angrier than I’d intended.

“She needs love bro,” he teased as he replied, ignoring the way I’d snapped. “Be gentle with her.” I watched his lips turn into a grin. “Just like any woman” he winked.

“Since when do you know how to treat a woman,” the retort lost most of the power behind it when I couldn’t stop myself from laughing at his comment. He had a knack for making even the hardest days feel lighter. Sometimes his inability to be serious was annoying. Other times, it helped to keep me sane.

Our relationship was strained at best. We’d lost some of our closeness over the years, mainly due to serious disagreements on lifestyle choices, but we never changed who we were. Regardless of what else happened, both of us knew we could be ourselves when we were together.

He frustrated the hell out of me. There were days I’d like to punch his stupid ass in the face. Yet, in the end I was glad that I had him. Hell, wasn’t like either of us really had anyone else. We didn’t even have parents really, so it was nice to have a brother that was always there. Sure, he had faults. But he’d been there when I’d needed someone the most. That had to count for something.

“Take it she didn’t want to see ya?” His voice lowered and I saw the expression on his face. He was hesitant at even asking me. Couldn’t say I blamed him for that one. I was already attacking his vehicle. The situation with Avery made me a little more edgy than I normally was and he probably didn’t want to rock that boat too hard. He didn’t want that anger being turned in his direction.

What he didn’t realize was that I couldn’t snap at him. The words got trapped somewhere in my throat, forming a lump that choked me. Straining for air, I reached for the side of the car to steady myself. I watched everything in my vision begin to spin as I tried like hell to find the words so that Kevin didn’t see how weak I really was.

“She’s not here,” I managed to get out, the words barely above a whisper. “I forgot she had a trip.”

“Where’d she go? Maybe we can make our way there,” Kevin offered, clearly not seeing my condition. “I’m always up for something to do.”

“She’s in South Carolina,” I knew the minute the words came out he’d regret making the offer. Of course I also knew that if I wanted to drive there, he’d agree. That was the bond that kept me hanging on to him despite his choices. “Don’t worry, we wouldn’t get there in time.” I relieved his worry.

“When she comin’ back?” His mouth scrunched into a thin hard line and I realized how much he looked like our mother. Aging had only seemed to enhance it. I half expected him to start a speech about how worthless I was as he came towards me.

“Monday I think,” I shrugged off the thought. “Doesn’t matter. She’s off living it up.”

I didn’t want to think about Avery or her trip or what she was doing. When I’d went to the apartment I’d forgotten about her trip. It was the nosy ass neighbor that had reminded me as I stood in the hallway and knocked on a door. I’d felt like a jackass. I was waiting on her to answer the door— my door— and someone I barely knew had told me that she was out of the state.

It also pissed me off a little bit. There was no way I could have gone on vacation at that moment and I’d been the one to choose to leave. How the fuck could she just pack up and take off to have fun? Had I been wrong? Did she just not love me?

“Or missin’ you as much as you are missin’ her,” his suggestion seemed ludicrous. Avery hadn’t tried to find me. She hadn’t gotten in touch at all. She’d never called and my phone had only been off a few days. Nothing. I’d left and she’d went to the beach to have a blast with that bitchy friend of hers.

“I wish I’d have paid my fucking phone bill,” I snapped, fists clenched, preparing to hit the car again “It wasn’t even on purpose. I just let it slip. Jesus. I’ve never let it slip before. I’d never leave her without a way to reach me. What if she’d tried? What if something was wrong? What if she needed me?” I raised my hand back, about to punch the fucking hood when Kevin jumped towards me.

“Whoa buddy, “ he held his hands up, pleading with me to stop what I was doing. “She’s innocent.”

“I don’t know what to do. What do I do?” Something about the way I said the words made my emotions feel worse. I felt pathetic and alone. Scared. That made me angry.

“Leave a note?” I rolled my eyes at the idea. Did he really think jotting down a note was going to make me feel better? I’d never even know if she got it. “Call her again?”

“Hell no,” I shook my head. “If I hear that voice mail one more time I’m gonna throw your phone against your precious little Mustang.”

“Scratch that idea,” he stepped back, giving me a little bit of breathing room. I saw the wicked grin play at the corner of his lips and I prayed he wouldn’t say it. Surely not. “You could always….”

“Don’t fucking do that Kev,” I ordered before he could finish. Of course he would. He was Kevin.

“Okay, okay,” he held his hands up in surrender. “Was just an idea.”

“That’s the last damned thing I need in my life,” I pushed the thought out of my head, not wanting the temptation to linger. I hated when he did that shit to me. If there was anything that ever made me want to walk the fuck away from him— it was that.

“Ya love her,” Kevin announced as if it were breaking news or even something he’d never thought of. He knew I did. He’d known it. I’d fucking told him. But again, he was Kevin. Until he was ready to hear or see something— it didn’t exist.

“I’ve loved her since the day I met her,” my shoulders hunched over and I tried to think of what I could do. Everything felt empty and hopeless.

I couldn’t imagine Avery not being there. Anytime I’d ever needed her, she was there. Easy to get to. Easy to go back to. Yet, I was standing outside her apartment— our apartment— and she wasn’t there. Was that how it was going to be? Avery gone? Would she move on and I’d never see her again? The thought was more than I could stomach.

“I can’t live in a world where Avery doesn’t exist,” I admitted to Kevin, and if I were honest, to myself. “I just…she’s gone.”

My hand no longer felt strong enough to hold me up. Both knees began to shake and for a moment I was sure that I’d collapse there in the parking lot.

“Why the fuck you keep leaving?” That was all it took. The anger took over and I regained my composure. Kevin was determined to be the one that pushed me over the proverbial edge. Kicking me when I was down wasn’t a very good idea on his part. “If you can’t live without her, why don’t you fuckin’ stay with her?”

“You damn well know the answer to that Kev,” I shook my head and began to pace the sidewalk beside us in an effort to prevent punching my brother. “You of all people know the fucking answer.”

“How long ya gonna hold that inside? How much ya gonna give up before ya forgive yourself bro?” I knew he was right, but his words were making me angry. “Eventually she’s gonna stop takin’ ya back.”

That was the point where I turned— glaring at my brother. He took a step back, hands in the air to remind me he was innocent and was just talking.

“I don’t think you have any room to be judging me over there Kevin,” My voice was tight, controlled, and angry. “Maybe you should feel remorse for your decisions once in a while.”

“Maybe you should realize if Jamie were still around, Avery wouldn’t be,” He turned and walked back to the driver’s side. “I wasn’t judging you. I was trying to help. But I forgot that the great Spencer Phillips doesn’t need any help.” He gave up and turned away from me, getting in the car and shutting the door.

Every so often Kevin said something of value. Occasionally he was even right. Not often, but sometimes. This was one of those times. If I’d never fucked things up with Jamie she’d still be there. If I’d done things right, she’d have never left. And I wouldn’t have met Avery. I’d never have known her. I’d never have loved her. More importantly, she’d have never loved me. That was a concept I didn’t want to think about.

I’d loved Jamie. I’d loved her madly and deeply. I’d wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. It had destroyed me when she left. I’d always thought that. But maybe I was wrong? What if it had actually helped me. I was destroying my life before that. I had been making the wrong choices. In some ways I still was, but I’d improved a lot thanks to Jamie. Partially thanks to her leaving.

But Avery….she was something else. I didn’t want to be with her. I wanted to walk away and let her live her life. I wanted to stop it. I wanted to change it. Not because there was anything wrong with her. I didn’t want her to have to endure me and all of my baggage. I was trying to protect her.

I couldn’t. I had to be with her. It wasn’t a want. It was a need. There was something about her, had always been something about her, that I couldn’t live without. Not for very long. Even though I wanted to. Even though I kept trying to.

Sure, I’d go back and really plan to make it work. Mainly because the misery without her was far worse than the fear with her. But every damned time something would happen. Things would be okay and then suddenly something would upset me. It’d make me think. I’d have to face the consequences. I’d have to face what could happen. And I’d leave.

Everything I’d ever done had always been about her. She just never realized that. There were things in the world I didn’t want Avery to understand. Things I didn’t want her to see. Including the broken pieces of my soul.

Avery knew about Jamie. She didn’t know details. She had thought for the longest time that Jamie had fucked me over. And she did. Jamie and Jason left me broken. Damaged. Trusting no one. I wouldn’t pretend when it came to that. The two people I’d trusted the most had done the most harm.

Granted, Jamie only fucked me over because I’d hurt her one too many times. I’d explained that to Avery once. She couldn’t understand. Not many could. Which is why Kevin always pissed me off when he brought her up. If anyone could understand why I was the way I was now, it was him. Jesus Christ. But this time he was right. If I hadn’t have fucked it all up, then Avery would have never walked into my life. The thought of that was worse than anything Jamie had done.

“Sorry man,” slinging open the car door I offered the best apology I could muster. He was still a pain in my ass, but he was my brother and he hadn’t deserved to be snapped at when he was trying to help. We were supposed to stick together. We were all we had. “You think I don’t know she’s going to give up?”

“All good,” he said casually, his only way of being personal anymore. “And stop being a fuckin’ idiot man.”

That was my biggest problem with my brother. He didn’t have emotion left. He snorted it all away. Sure, he was happy. But nothing fucking mattered to him. Not really. He was either happy, angry, or sleeping. But none of it was real. It was forced. Faked. Brought on by chemicals.

“I don’t know what the fuck to do,” I felt like I was wasting my time. I felt like chasing Avery was a lost cause. “She’s down at the beach living it up and I’m here hunting her down.”

“Huntin huh? Remember when Dee sent us off huntin’ with Uncle Bill?”

“What does that have to do with anything Kev?” his timing on conversations sucked ass.

“You sucked at it, remember?”

“Yeah, so?”

“So, what’d Bill teach ya?” he asked with a grin on his face.

“Don’t yell?” I was confused.

“No, I meant ‘bout huntin’” he shook his head. “It’s not about finding your prey. It’s about waitin’ until they find you.”

“I don’t get it Kev,” I admitted. “Are you saying I have to wait?” the idea didn’t appeal to me. Waiting could mean a lot of things.

Avery could decide she didn’t want me. She could meet someone and realize that I was nothing more than a fucked up guy who had commitment issues. She could be with him at that moment. Someone else could be touching her, kissing her, seeing that look of love in her eyes. The thought drove me insane.