Authors: Mark Tufo
“Nothing to see here!” he said as I pulled up alongside. He was waving his hand for
me to pass.
“You know you can get a ticket for public urination right?” I told him.
“See, that’s just the man trying to regulate everything. Pissing is one of the most
basic human functions, and you and your oppressors are going to tell me where and
when I can do it!” Trip said. I could tell he was getting pissed off (pun intended).
He was halfway turned around to look at me, dick still in hand.
“Come on, man,” I told him, shielding my eyes. “Some things can’t be unseen.”
“She’s a thing of beauty,” he said happily.
I hoped he was talking about the plow.
“Ponch!” he yelled excitedly. “When’d you get here?”
“Where’s your wife?” I asked him.
“Where?” he asked, stuffing himself back in his pants. “She gets mad when I piss outside.”
“So you hate when the man tells you where and when to piss, but you’re afraid of your
wife telling you the same thing?” I asked.
“I don’t live with ‘the man.’” He looked around.
“Who’s Chong?” BT asked, coming down off the truck.
“Ponch, you in the circus now?” Trip asked, looking up at BT.
“BT, this is Trip. Trip, this is BT.” I stepped aside. They were going to need to
feel each other out in the ways that best suited them, and I personally wanted nothing
to do with it. Trip caused me great mental headaches and BT could cause me great physical
ones.
“You’re funny, little man. How about I spin your head off?” BT asked as he moved a
couple of paces closer to Trip.
“Threats aren’t really going to work,” I said aloud. BT shushed me.
“Like a top? That would be fantastic, because then I’d be able to see my butt. I’ve
always wanted to. Stephanie says I have a nice one, but I really have to take her
word for it,” Trip said, trying his best to look over his shoulder and down his backside.
“How about I just plant you in the ground instead?” BT asked.
“I’ve always wanted to know what it was like to be a cannabis plant, so still and
serene, swaying in the breeze and drinking rainwater. Just let me get a few things.”
Trip went back into the bus.
“What’s wrong with him?” BT asked me as Trip walked away.
“Oh… it gets worse,” I answered.
“This is the guy that saved your ass?” BT asked, pointing up to the bus.
“At least three times.”
By now, everyone had come out of the truck and gathered around.
“Whoa,” Trip said as he stepped out of the bus. “Where’d everybody come from? Were
you guys in the bus?”
We all heard some rustling in the woods and then Trip’s wife Stephanie emerged. “I’m
so sorry. I had some…um…pressing needs to attend to.”
“She had to pee,” Trip stage whispered.
“Trip!” she said, flustered.
“What?” he asked innocently.
“Stephanie, it’s nice to see you again.” I stepped forward. “Did the hotel fall?”
I asked. Other than that, I could think of no reason why they would be this far east,
certainly not a foraging expedition.
“I…umm had a disagreement with the person in charge,” she said hesitantly as she looked
sidelong at her husband.
I got the implication. Someone where they were staying didn’t like Trip and had forced
them out. “So what are you guys doing here?”
“Looking for you,” she told me.
“Are you kidding? I told Trip in passing where I lived while we were riding in his
crazy little helicopter. I never figured he’d remember. I was just trying to say something
so I wouldn’t bite my tongue off in fear.” Maybe I slipped him my address, I couldn’t
remember, it was a pretty trying time.
“I have a helicopter?” Trip asked.
“Come on, man. I’m here and I’m not believing this,” BT said. “How is this possible?”
“Divine intervention?” I said as an explanation. Stephanie nodded, having had that
same thought not too long ago.
“Is it that implausible? Look at all the variables that were in place for us to meet
on that section of 495. What if Gary had taken an hour longer or finished an hour
sooner? What about my decision to even take 495? That’s three just within the last
two hours. What about everything else? Not to mention on Trip and Stephanie’s side.
I mean, one more rolled bone from Trip and we would have missed them.”
“Coincidence,” BT said.
“I’m not so sure,” Tommy said.
“Listen, we all know I’m no theologian,” I said.
Tracy snorted. “Sorry, involuntary reaction.” She was still trying to stifle a laugh.
“You done?” I asked.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Maybe God is helping just a bit. What if this whole cluster-fuck of an apocalypse
wasn’t his doing? Let me finish,” I said when I saw BT about to protest how an omnipotent
being missed something so big. “Listen, we all know my half-assed thoughts on God
and the devil. I personally think they’re great friends, but what if there’s another.
Something that is the epitome of evil.”
“That’s not the devil?” Travis asked.
“Not in your dad’s world,” BT answered.
“The devil is God’s justice, plain and simple. Don’t cross God, never meet the devil.
Sounds like a plan to me. But this,” I said, sweeping my arms, “this I don’t think
was either of their doings. Something else is in the mix.”
“What is it?” Tracy asked, her earlier smile gone.
“Man,” Trip said.
At first I thought he was referencing back to ‘the man’ but this made sense. “You
might be on to something.”
“Mike, come on. Where are you going with this?” BT asked.
“Hell if I know, but it could be man. God is reward for a life lived well and the
devil is punishment for being an asshole, the whole karma thing.”
“Tell Beelzebub hi for me,” BT said.
“Nice,” I told him. “Okay, let’s go with the free will thing. We are all able to do
as we want without any outside influence.”
“So the devil-made-me-do-it defense can’t be used anymore?” Trip asked.
“In Mike’s world, yes,” Tracy told him.
“I’m moving off planet then,” Trip said.
“I think he’s already there,” Travis said to Justin.
“Good one,” Justin told his brother.
“What if we went too far? What if God wants to try and set things right?” I asked.
“Why doesn’t he just come down here and do it then?” BT asked. “Or send us laser guns
that don’t need reloading or not let our loved ones die!” Now he was shouting.
“I don’t think he can,” I said, hoping that wasn’t blasphemy.
“An all-powerful being that can’t…that doesn’t sound right,” Tracy said.
I noticed Tommy nodding, but I didn’t know if it was in agreement with me or Tracy.
“I think maybe he set it up that way.” I was flying by the seat of my pants now, not
an unusual position for me to be in.
“His game, his rules,” Gary chimed in.
“Oh, not you too?” BT said. “When did Talbot become synonymous with crazy?”
“It’s been a long time,” Tommy said, reflecting back on some of the Talbots he’d encountered
along the way, more than one making him smile.
“I think Gary’s on to something,” I said. “Maybe he knew that once he created this
world that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from tinkering with it from time to
time, so he created a way to keep himself out.”
“How, Mike?” BT asked. “How could anything stop him?”
“Same way you could build a wall that you couldn’t get over,” I told him. I don’t
know if I was swaying him yet, but it was giving him pause to consider. “I’m just
saying that there seems to be a LOT of times that his presence seems to shine through
more so than others. Like there are holes in his wall or net.”
“Or a back door where he can come in quickly and leave,” Gary said.
“Sure. Listen maybe I’m completely wrong, but come on, how the hell did we find Paul?
Or how did Trip find us? And I’m going to use that same logic in the hopes that he
finds a way to guide us to Doc. That’s the hope I’m holding on to, BT. My son’s and
your life hang in the balance. I can’t think of a better person to lay my faith on.”
“Can’t argue with that.” BT turned slightly away. “Fucking pollen,” he said, going
towards the truck.
“Stephanie, I can take you two to get another car and I’ll give you directions to
get to my brother’s house. He’ll take you in no questions asked. Okay, he might have
a few questions, but you’ll be welcome there,” I told her.
“I’m a little done with being alone on the open road,” she said.
“I can’t say I blame you. You’re welcome to come with us, we have the room.” She looked
dubiously over at the plow. “Gary did some great things in the back. I’m not sure
how long we’re going to be traveling, and I have no idea what we’re in for, and I’m
pretty sure your bikers will come back once they pull their tails out from between
their legs. It’s that damn free will again, makes some people do the stupidest shit.”
“I’d still rather we stay with you,” Stephanie said with relief.
“Man, I hate to bring this up,” Trip said, “but do you have Stephanie’s sneakers?”