Five Television Plays (David Mamet) (13 page)

T
IMMY
(
to
M
INERS
)
:
Sing, boys!

(M
INERS
break into “Solidarity Forever,” which continues behind ensuing dialogue.
)

C
LORIS:
You hold it right for Chrissake there, Pierre. John. John . . .

(J
OHN
starts surreptitiously edging away from scene of conflict.
)

C
LORIS:
John, where are you going?

J
OHN:
Going? I'm not going anywhere.

C
LORIS:
Then why are you getting farther away? (
Pause.
) John? John where are you going? (
Pause.
) You can't do this, John. You come back here. You come
back
here. (C
LORIS
interposes self between
P
OTAWATAMIES
and
M
INERS.
To
F
ARMERS:
) Douggie, Fran, Bruce, where do you think you're going with him?

J
OHN:
We have a social function to fulfill, Cloris, which does not encompass getting hit on the head. This is a struggle for property between two naturally opposed groups, and the intervention of our faction would be the sheerest
gaucherie.
(
Pause.
) White-collar liberalism. (
Pause.
) These people are much closer to the roots of the problem than we, Cloris. There are variables in this conflict whose
existence
we are not even aware of. (
Pause.
) The urge to acquire property is a primordial and (we may assume) in the final analysis, a
constructive
urge. (
Pause. Summoning
F
ARMERS:
) Friends . . .

(R
UDY
separates self from
F
ARMERS
and stands with
C
LORIS.
)

R
UDY:
That is the
lowes’
bunch of verbige I ever
did
hear. You come back here, John.

J
OHN:
I have a responsibility to these people (
indicating
F
ARMERS.
A
P
OTAWATAMIE
advances on a
M
INER.
)

P
OTAWATAMIE:
Gimme your wallet, Gramps.

A
LBERT
(
to
P
OTAWATAMIE
)
:
Okay, okay, this has gone about far enough. Here's what we're going to do . . .

(A
LBERT
gets whacked across the head with a quarterstaff. He falters.
)

C
LORIS:
John, I swear to God . . . you come back here.

J
OHN
(
reverting to a childish tone
): If they're so smart, how come they're old?

A
LBERT
(
to
P
OTAWATAMIE
)
:
Why don't you put down those things and go home?

P
OTAWATAMIE:
We live here.

C
LORIS
(
to
J
OHN
)
:
If
you're
so smart, how come you're living in a museum on Twinkies?

J
OHN
(
incensed
): What did you say?

C
LORIS:
You heard me.

(J
OHN
screams, and runs at
C
LORIS.
The
P
OTAWATAMIES,
sensing their bloodlust condoned, turn on the
M
INERS
in force.
A
LBERT
interjects self into the fray.
)

A
LBERT:
You leave these folks alone, you goons. (
He gets another whack in the head.
)

(
A major fight.
R
UDY
is seen fighting bravely.
C
LORIS
and
A
LBERT
gravitate toward each other in the fray.
)

P
OTAWATAMIE
(
eerily
): Youth is Nature's Gift to the Young!!

(
The
M
INERS
continue to sing. Suddenly, the tide of battle turns so that
M
INERS,
R
UDY,
C
LORIS,
and
A
LBERT
find themselves in a cul-de-sac. The
P
OTAWATAMIES
and the
F
ARMERS
control the exit. All, sensing the imminence of the end, fall silent. A pause. The
P
OTAWATAMIES
and the
F
ARMERS
close in on the opposing faction.
A
LBERT
unconsciously slips his arm around
C
LORIS.
A pause.
)

C
LORIS:
John, you . . .

J
OHN
(
cutting her off
): Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me. (
Pause.
)

P
IERRE
(
a battlecry
): "Let's hear it for
now
!!!!!
"

(
All the
P
OTAWATAMIES
scream and run at the three friends. In their charge
ALBERT
finds himself thrust against a firedoor, which opens with his weight, and he finds himself outside the museum in an early dawn. The sounds of screaming continue within the museum.
A
LBERT
pounds on the door, but his pounding is not answered.
)

A
LBERT
(
screaming
): Let me in. Let me in.

(
He begins to run around the museum from entrance to entrance, trying all the doors in an attempt to get in. Running around the back he trips over a pair of lovers, and says
"Sorry, “
and continues running. His run finally takes him to the main
[
north
]
entrance, where we see him trying the doors. We hear someone shouting at him from the entrance drive.
)

P
OLICEMAN:
Hey. Hey. Hey, you . . .

(A
LBERT
turns and we see that he is being shouted at by a
P
OLICEMAN
in a patrol car.
)

The Museum doesn't open for four hours. (
To his companion officer:
) I never
seen
this.

(A
LBERT
turns back to the main door and continues to pound and cry
"Let me in. )

(
His
C
OMPANION
O
FFICER,
who is sleeping with his hat over his eyes, answers him.
)

S
ECOND
P
OLICEMAN:
What?

P
OLICEMAN:
I don't know . . . some kind of
culture
junkie, something . . . (To A
LBERT:
) Go home, go read a book, something.

(A
LBERT
does not move.
)

Did you
hear
me? I said move on.

(
Pause.
A
LBERT
reluctantly starts to walk down the stairs.
)

Okay.

(
The patrol car pulls away.
A
LBERT
walks sadly down the stairs. As he walks down the stairs, a yellow schoolbus pulls up. It has about fifty Shriners in full dress regalia in it. The Shriners file out of the bus and set up on the stairs to have a formal group picture taken by a fellow with an old bellows camera and flash pan. Shooting down from the roof of the museum we see the Shriners assembled,
A
LBERT
trudging toward the lone car in the parking lot
[
A 1963 Dodge Dart
]
. The flash pan goes off, the Shriners file back into the schoolbus, which pulls away, leaving
A
LBERT
alone in the parking lot, trudging to his car. A helicopter shot of
A
LBERT
going to his car and a voice over of a traffic report.
)

T
RAFFIC
R
EPORT:
. . . smooth right up to the Junction. Eden's a little heavy between Armitage and Congress, and the Ryan, as usual, backed up from the Loop to 95th Street. And now back to Jim.

J
IM
THE
D
ISC
J
OCKEY:
Thank you. Bob, we'll have another report in fifteen, but here's one we've got a
lot
of requests for, and we're sending this out to Doug from Betty.

(
The radio plays the closing song, “The Museum of Science and Industry Story.” The helicopter follows
A
LBERT‘
s
car into South Shore Drive and traffic as he heads north. Credits super.
)

A Wasted Weekend

Dramatis Personae

R
ADIO
A
NNOUNCER

J
ABLONSKI

R
ENKO

H
ILL

L
UCY
B
ATES

B
UNTZ

H
ENRY
G
OLDBLUME

B
ELKER

K
HAKI
O
FFICER

H
UNTER

F
URRILLO

S
TATE
T
ROOPER

S
ECOND
S
TATE
T
ROOPER

Y
OUNG
W
OMAN
(M
ISS
C
ARRINGTON
)

G
UY

I.A.D. O
FFICER

L
AWYER

P
ROPRIETOR
o
F
THE
C
URRENCY
E
XCHANGE

R
OBBER

O
FFICER

INTERIOR: JABLONSKI'S HOUSE. DAY.

(
Angle: Kitchen countertop. Man in plaid lumberjack shirt making coffee.
)

R
ADIO
A
NNOUNCER
(
voice over
): I'll be with you this morning right up until six a.m., Roger Armandale and the traffic report. Thanks for stickin’ with me through the night. If you've
been
up all night, here is the song for you. For those of you who just got up, here's how the other half lives: the immortal Glenn Miller:

(
Radio starts playing “Moonlight Serenade.”
)

(
Hand comes into the frame, picks up a clock, it reads 4:45. Sound of a knock on the door.
)

(
Angle:
J
ABLONSKI,
the man in the lumberjack shirt, going to open the back door.
H
ILL
and
R
ENKO
enter. They are dressed in outdoorsy clothes. They come into the kitchen and make themselves comfortable at the kitchen table.
)

R
ENKO:
Oh yes, oh yes, oh yes.

H
ILL:
Gimme
some of that coffee . . .

(J
ABLONSKI
starts pouring them coffee.
)

J
ABLONSKI:
How'd you sleep last night?

H
ILL:
Not a wink, man, I was up at
two,
at
three . . .

R
ENKO:
I couldn't sleep . . . I was up cleaning my
gear, packing . . .

H
ILL:
. . . where's Henry?

J
ABLONSKI:
. . . meeting him at the Stationhouse.

R
ENKO:
. . . maan, I'm thinkin’. . . get me out of that car and get me out of that
job
a minute, get me somewhere where it
matters . . .

H
ILL
(
gets up, holding his coffeecup, checks his watch
): Come on, we'll take it in the car.

(R
ENKO
gets up.
J
ABLONSKI
puts on his coat. They all move toward the door.
J
ABLONSKI
takes several hunting rifles from behind the door, passes them out to his friends. As
R
ENKO
exits he declaims:
)

R
ENKO:
“My heart's in the highlands. My heart is not here. My heart's in the highlands a chasin’ the deer.”

(
They exit the kitchen. We hear them faintly, outside, talking.
)

INTERIOR: SQUAD ROOM

Roll call.
L
UCY
B
ATES
in charge.

B
ATES:
Lieutenant will be posting the duty roster for the next rotation . . . (
checks clipboard
)
. . .
those of you interested, your requests for overtime . . .

(
Reaction:
"Yeah. What about ‘em . . . ?")

B
ATES:
They're in process. Several of them have been submitted for the Pulitzer Prize for Modern Fiction . . . (
Checks list. Holds up a composite drawing.
) White man, early thirties, shoulder-length blond hair, blue windbreaker . . . this is the
third
armed robbery, a currency exchange,
last night. Eighteenth and Promontory.
Look
for him. White male, one hundred fifty pounds, medium height, shoulder-length blond hair, a blue windbreaker . . . (
She lowers the composite drawing, checks her list.
) Ther'll be a bunch of Boy Scouts in the House today. The Captain's talking to them at eleven hundred hours on “Law Enforcement as a Career.” Anyone who'd like to attend is . . .

B
UNTZ:
Law Enforcement as a
Hobby . . .
?

B
ATES:
In your case I see how that's appropriate, but the Captain's subject will be Law Enforcement as a Career . . .

(H
ENRY
G
OLDBLUME
comes up to the podium, dressed in hunting clothes. He hands a sheaf of papers to
B
ATES.
)

Thank you, Lieutenant.

(G
OLDBLUME
nods, obviously in a hurry.
)

. . .
the Captain's looking for you.

G
OLDBLUME:
Where is he . . . ?

B
ATES:
His office.

(G
OLDBLUME
nods, hurries off
B
ATES
checks her clipboard.
)

I would like you all to read and pay attention to the recommendations regarding the carrying of a second or back-up gun. The registration and permission must be in your file. The registration and permission must be in your file, and you must qualify with this gun as well as your service revolver at the range. We recommend the back-up gun and we recommend
practice;
the life you save may be your own. Any questions?

B
ELKER:
Why is Lieutenant Goldblume going undercover?

B
ATES:
The Lieutenant is not going undercover. For those of you who've kept pace with developments in your community, the Lieutenant and several of your colleagues are going out to kill Bambi. They are going
hunting.
They are going out to slaughter poor defenseless creatures . . .

B
UNTZ:
. . . if you can eat it, you can kill it.

B
ATES:
Officer Buntz can keep the details of his personal life to himself . . . (
checks clipboard
)
. . .
alright . . . the new rotation figures on the board . . . thank you for your attention.

(
The roll call starts to break up.
B
UNTZ
walks by the podium.
)

B
ATES
(to B
UNTZ
)
:
How can you defend him? Killing poor deer just to prove his “Manhood"?

B
UNTZ:
‘Least he's got one.

B
ATES:
I expected no less. Have a nice day.

INTERIOR: SQUAD ROOM, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING.

G
OLDBLUME
walking through the squad room. A
K
HAKI
O
FFICER
calls after him.

K
HAKI
O
FFICER:
Lieutenant, I need you to sign off on those Robbery Reports . . .

G
OLDBLUME:
No
.
No
.
No
.
NO. I'm not
here
today. It's an illusion.

K
HAKI
O
FFICER:
. . . take five minutes . . .

G
OLDBLUME:
Nope. Nope. I'm gonna talk to the Captain, and I'll see you at the end of the week.

(
He walks past
H
UNTER,
who declaims:
)

H
UNTER:
‘And Nimrod was a Mighty Hunter in the Land ...”

(J
ABLONSKI,
H
ILL,
and
R
ENKO
enter. Camera follows
G
OLDBLUME
as he walks over to them.
J
ABLONSKI
is calling back over his shoulder.
)

J
ABLONSKI:
. . . round the corner, get the car filled . . .

R
ENKO:
. . . anyone like to contribute. Let's get the kitty started. Lieutenant . . . ?

(G
OLDBLUME
goes into his pocket. Takes out money in a money clip, throws it to
R
ENKO.
)

R
ENKO:
Thank
you,
sir. Right back . . .

(R
ENKO
exits.
)

G
OLDBLUME:
I've got to have two words with the Captain . . .

(G
OLDBLUME
walks over to the captain's office.
J
ABLONSKI
calls after him.
)

J
ABLONSKI:
Quickly as you can, Sir. We've got to pick up the keys to the Hunting Lodge . . .

(L
UCY
B
ATES
comes over to the desk at which we find
H
UNTER,
J
ABLONSKI,
and H
ILL.
)

H
UNTER
(
to
B
ATES,
gesturing at the deerhunters
): . . . an interesting ceremony.

B
ATES:
What is?

H
UNTER:
Hunting.

B
ATES:
I
S
it?

H
UNTER:
Bonding, the Letting of Blood . . .

B
ATES:
Oh. Everybody with their Secrets. Boys’ Clubs. No Girls Allowed . . .

H
ILL:
Y
OU
want to come, Sarge?

B
ATES:
No
.
No
,
thank you.

(
She starts to walk out of the shot.
)

H
ILL:
Then what do you care . . . ?

(
She turns back.
)

B
ATES:
I care because defenseless creatures will be killed.

J
ABLONSKI
(
of
H
ILL
)
:
Not the way
he
shoots . . .
I
saw you sighting in that rifle!!!

B
ATES
(
comes back
): Well, I think it's
disgusting
...

H
ILL:
Then you go eat
beansprouts
the rest of your life!

B
ATES:
Oh. “If I can Eat it I can Kill it.” Well. I don't
eat
deer.

H
ILL:
That's right, you don't eat deer. ‘Cause, you want to eat
deer,
you have to go up there and
stalk
the sucker . . . you have to . . .

INTERIOR:
FURRILLO'S
OFFICE.

F
URRILLO
behind the desk, talking to
G
OLDBLUME.

G
OLDBLUME:
What?

F
URRILLO:
If there were some way out of it, Henry, I'd take that way.

G
OLDBLUME:
Sir, it's just an accident that I'm
in
here today. I have two days off, and I just stopped in to drop off the Rotation Rosters.

F
URRILLO:
I know, and I . . . Henry, I won't order you to do it. But I'm called
downtown,
and there are going to be twenty-five Boy Scouts here expecting a lecture. And someone has to do it. You'll be done by eleven thirty.

G
OLDBLUME:
. . . the men are waiting in the car.

F
URRILLO:
Can't you drive up and meet them? (
Beat.
) Henry?

G
OLDBLUME:
Yessir.

F
URRILLO:
Thank you. Thank you very much.

(
KHAKI
O
FFICER
knocks on the door and beckons the captain.
)

K
HAKI
O
FFICER:
Captain . . .???

F
URRILLO:
I'm coming. Thank you, Henry.

INTERIOR: DESK AREA, SQUAD ROOM.

B
ATES
et al, still arguing.

H
UNTER:
Because the Personification of Animals, as done by Walt

Disney . . . talking
deer,
cute
rabbits,
I suggest if you
study
the actions of all Animals in the Wild . . .

B
ATES:
Well, yes, well, let
them
even out the Balance of Nature, ‘cause it's not our job.

(R
ENKO
enters.
)

R
ENKO:
Alright. Gassed up and ready to roll,
let
us roll . . .

(G
OLDBLUME
comes out of the captain's office.
)

J
ABLONSKI:
Lieutenant Goldblume. Here we go.

G
OLDBLUME:
I'm not going. I'll have to meet you there. (
Beat.
) I'm going to be tied up here ‘til eleven thirty. I'll drive up and meet you there. (
Beat.
) I'm just . . . I'm just . . . I'll
meet
you there.

(J
ABLONSKI
shrugs, takes out a pencil, makes a map on a sheet of paper.
)