Fiendish: A Twisted Fairytale (63 page)

 
Moving slowly, she stepped to the side putting more distance between us. She jumped a little when the thunder boomed, rattling the windows of her house.

“You seem nervous.”

“I don’t really like thunderstorms,” she replied.

“Is that all?” 

“Why are you here?” she asked, deflecting my question. 

Standing with her arms wrapped around her body, she looked as though she could fall apart at any moment if the wrong thread was pulled. I
’d done that to her.

“I think you know why I
’m here,” I responded, taking a small step back to give her some space. “We have some things to talk about. Wouldn’t you agree?” 

“What things?”
 

“Well, for starters
, you walking out on me without a goodbye, a note, nothing. You just left,” I replied, trying to keep my tone even. 

“I
’m sorry, but it was the only way I could,” she replied.

Calida took a step around the coffee table, putting it between us.

“That makes no sense. Why did you feel you needed to in the first place?”

“Seth, please don
’t make this harder than it has to be. We had a good run, but it’s done. Please just go.” 

She opened the door, and the look on her face was pleading with me to walk through it and leave. The rain was coming down as a thick blanket, made louder with the door open. She stared out at it, keeping her eyes focused anywhere but on me. She
’d walked out on me, left me, and I wasn’t leaving until I knew why. I approached her slowly, her knuckles were white from the grip she had on the doorknob. Reaching above her, I grabbed the door, giving it a quick tug, I freed it from her grasp. I closed and locked it. Calida tried to move away from me again, but she wasn’t fast enough. 

“I asked you a question,” I said, wrapping my arms around her waist.
 

She stood frozen in place as I slowly released her hair, letting it tumble around her shoulders. I inhaled deeply
, drinking in the soft, rose scent of her shampoo. I had missed that smell just as much as I missed the feel of her in my arms. Once our lips met, I knew there was no way I was letting her go again. She was mine. She belonged with me, and she would understand that by the end of this night.

“And I
’m not leaving until I get an answer,” I continued, letting the silky strands of her hair slide between my fingers.

She fidgeted
, trying to wiggle free from my arms. I leaned down, kissing her softly just beneath her earlobe.

“Seth, please,” she begged, pushing against me.

“Answer me damn it!” I growled, seizing her by the shoulders. My temper was rising.

“I had to,” she replied softly.

“You had to! You had to sneak out in the middle of the night like a cheap whore? Do you have any idea what that did to me?” I yelled.

I no longer kept a lid on my temper. I was angry at her for walking out
, and that frayed thread that was holding her together began to unravel even more. Her hands covered her face, and her shoulders shook. She’d started crying.

“Do you?” I yelled again. “Why? Why did you feel you needed to do that to me?”

“Be…because I can’t stand to look myself in the mirror,” she screamed back, yanking free. “For the second time in my life I allowed myself to be talked into something that left me disgusted to be in my own skin. Do you know what it feels like to absolutely loathe yourself? Because I do! And it’s not a good feeling.”

She angrily wiped away the tears streaming down her cheeks and started pacing around the small living area.
 

“That night…after what you made me do, what you told her to do to me. How could you? Why would you? Then I had to see you having sex with her. That was a knife in my heart! You knew, you
’ve always known what he did, and yet you didn’t care enough about that, about me to not do it. And…and if that wasn’t bad enough afterwards, I let…I let you…and on some level I enjoyed it or wanted it or something. How could I want that? What does that say about me, about what I am becoming with you? I can’t do it anymore, Seth.” Cailda let out a choked sob.

She sank to the ground, her arms wrapped around her body, and she cried uncontrollably
. I had gravely miscalculated the affect that night would have on her. Once again, I felt moved by her tears; reminiscent of that night when I’d held her until she cried herself to sleep. Seeing her like that, my anger melted away. I sat on the floor, pulling her into my arms. Her hands fisted around my shirt, and she buried her face in my shoulder and cried. 

“I
’m not enough for you. You proved that by bringing in that woman,” she said, speaking through broken cries. “I’m never enough…and…I-I can’t go through that again. I won’t. If you want to be with other women, be honest with me and say so, but don’t keep me hanging on. I deserve at least that much consideration.”

Calida sat up
, struggling to get out of my arms, but I held on tighter. “Let me go, Seth, please, please I’m begging you. Let me go.”

I knew her request was more than wanting to be released from my arms, but that was all I could give her. Calida eased away from me the moment I released the hold I had on her.

“You don’t get to leave me,” I said, getting to my feet. 

“Why, Seth?  Is it about me walking out on you? You want to be the one to leave, fine! You
’ve done it before. Leave me, walk away, cut off all contact if that’s what it takes. I get we have the business to consider, but we can figure someth…”

***

“No! And that’s final!” Seth yelled, cutting me off.

Another bright flash of lightening followed by a loud boom of thunder; w
e were bathed in darkness when the lights went out. We stood in silence listening to the downpour outside. Seth reached out for me, but I stepped away, heading into the kitchen to look for candles. He grabbed my arm, pulling me to him, wrapping his arms around me tightly. How could a man that could cause me so much heartache also bring me so much comfort? I let him hold me again, just like that night. I let him be the one to comfort me, even though he was the one that hurt me.

“I lost a part of myself with Paul that I won
’t ever get back,” I whispered. “I can’t lose anymore. So the longer I stay, the longer I’m with you…this, us, it’s not good for me.”

“But I
’m not Paul,” he hissed angrily, turning me to face him.

“No, you
’re right. You are entirely something much different and much more…dangerous.” That last word was spoken barely above a whisper.

“What do you mean dangerous?” There was still an edge to his voice.

“With Paul, I was too naïve to see how he used me until it was literally staring me in the face. But with you, it’s like I know, but I don’t. I mean I do, but I go along with it anyway. You…you have this hold on me that I can’t explain. Macy was right when she said the way I am with you was pure madness. Because sometimes…sometimes I feel like I’m going insane, because it seems at times as though…my very life depends on pleasing you.”

I held my breath as I waited for him to respond. Once again I fou
nd myself wrapped in his arms, the whiskers on his beard scratching my face as he leaned close to me.

His breath
felt warm against my cheek when he whispered into my ear. “I won’t let you leave me.”

I closed my eyes and laid my head on his shoulder. Tears ran down my cheeks in a continuous stream. Seth
’s arms held me close, surrounding me, wrapping me in his warmth.

“When I moved here
, I told myself never again,” I said, keeping my head down. “Never would I let myself feel like that, but then you blew into my life and swept me off my feet. You were, are, charming and made me feel special in a way I never had before. You weren’t out to get in my pants, hell you wouldn’t even kiss me, and at first, that worried me, but then I found it endearing. It was like I was being courted, like you really wanted to get to know me, and I fell for you, hard.” I looked up at him, hoping and praying that what I said was getting through to him. “I love you so much more than I ever thought I could love a person. And it scares me. The way I feel about you, you have the power to hurt me so much more, and I don’t have it in me to pick up the pieces of my life again.” 

Seth wiped the tears from my face before leaning down to kiss me. It started soft, but the intensity grew. I pushed against his chest to get free, suddenly feeling suffocated in his arms. I couldn
’t be distracted.

“You
’re intense, and I thought I could handle it. I really wanted to be able to, but agreeing that night when everything in me screamed not to…I can’t be that person, I don’t want to be that person anymore. So please, Seth, don’t make me,” I begged, looking him directly in the eyes.

I needed him to see and understand the power he held over me. I needed him to see how I needed him to not abuse it. And I needed him to care that he had.

“That night was a mistake, an error in judgment, I see that now, but I won’t let you leave me over it.” 

I closed my eyes, letting out an audible exhale. “I
’m asking you to leave me,” I replied.

I found myself in his arms again.

“I may be new to this whole relationship thing, but I thought you stayed with the person you loved, not give up on them and run away. You are the first woman, the first person, I’ve opened myself up to, and you left me. That hurt…a lot. You have fears and doubts, I understand that. I am truly sorry for how that night made you feel…but I’m not him and I won’t pay for his sins.” 

I looked into those deep blue eyes and saw the sincerity behind his words. He didn
’t date, not in the traditional sense at least; he had meaningless sexual encounters. He didn’t have any close friends, his parents were dead, and he was an only child. Before me he had been alone, he had no one and now I was all he had.
Had.
Past tense. He had to let me go.

***

Her eyes roamed my face, and I watched as her features softened. Bringing another woman in triggered her insecurities. It wasn’t about the other woman; it was about her compliance. I didn’t really doubt that she would, but I didn’t anticipate the affect it would have on her. I cupped her face, and I felt her lean into my hand.

“I
’m not trying to hurt you, Seth. You’re right, you do stay with the person you love, unless loving that person is toxic to your wellbeing. I want so desperately to be what you need me to be, do what you want me to do in order for you to be happy. That’s who I am, it’s what I do. Even if what you want, what you ask of me...” 

She stepped away
, turning her back to me. “I don’t want to feel like this,” she said, turning to face me again. “I would have done anything for you, but how much were you really willing to do for me?”

The question was a surprise, a challenge. She wanted something I could probably never give her, but she would accept what I could offer.
 

“The most basic principle of Yin and Yang is that one cannot exist without the other,” I stated, stepping towards her. “There can be no light without the dark, no good without evil, and no you without me; we are complementary opposites that balance each other.” I reached out for
her hand, intertwining our fingers, and pulling her closer to me. “So to answer your question, I will do whatever is necessary to keep you where you belong. Which is with me.”

“I would love to believe that to be true,” she replied. “But…”

“No buts,” I said, cutting her off. “Would I continue to live and breathe if I were to
allow
you to walk out of my life? Yes. But life would never be the same as it was before you. I told you once that you caused chaos in my life, and on some small level, you still do. But, you also bring a peace to me that I’ve never experienced before. It’s something I never expected, but now that I have it, I’m
not
willing to let it go.”

A small sigh escaped her lips, and I gave in to the urge I had to kiss her.
Her response was hesitant at first, but she parted her lips, allowing me deeper access. I wanted her physically, and I knew that if I pushed it, she wouldn’t refuse me, but I pulled away. Her will and resistance were waning at this point.

“I just want to be happy,” she whispered, wrapping her arms around me.

I had her, the simple action of her embracing me; I knew I had her back. I had to fight to keep my temper in check with her. Seeing her like this made me realize I’d have to use a softer approach, and it worked. She was mine again, and I wasn’t letting her go. Ever.

“And I don
’t make you happy?” I asked, softly stroking the silky strands of her hair.

The turbulent rains had slowly calmed from a raging storm to a gentler, steady downpour which mimicked the situation within the house.

“Of course you make me happy,” she answered finally. “But sometimes, well sometimes the way in which you hurt me. I don’t, I can’t...”