Fearless (6 page)

Josh got up to refill her wineglass. “How’s the steak?” he asked. He wrapped his hand around her neck and leaned over.

She tried to focus on the food rather than the alluring scent of his cologne, but his proximity made simple conversation seem hopeless. “It’s delicious.” Her mind wandered. She wondered what it would be like to come home to Josh every night, share a meal, talk about their day, curl up and watch TV together, make love.

“Penny for your thoughts,” he whispered in her ear.

She shuddered as his hot breath brushed over her neck.

He winked before reclaiming his chair across from her. He stared at her so intently she feared he might have been able to read her thoughts. He had been a detective for years, a man who made his living reading people who had something to hide. The idea was unnerving, especially given her history with men.

“Did my dad tell you about our birthday party, Lexi?” Jay asked.

She tore her gaze away from Josh long enough to focus on his son. “No, what’s the plan?”

“We were hoping you’d help us work on him. We want to have the party at his house,” Mike said, shooting a sidelong glance at his father.

Lexi laughed. “I’m not sure I want to get involved in a domestic dispute.”

“Smart lady,” Josh said, tipping his wineglass in her direction.

“Come on, it’s just a few friends,” Mike said, taking a swig of soda.

“Tell her how many people we’re talking about,” Josh said, grinning.

“Fifty, sixty tops,” Jay said.

Lexi laughed. She knew Josh would do anything for his kids. She had no doubt they would be able to wear him down without her help. “Glad it’s not at my house.”

Josh smirked. “Gee, thanks.”

“Why don’t you come, Lexi? You could help Dad to keep an eye on things,” Mike suggested.

Lexi smiled as she cut her meat. Jay and Mike were obviously playing matchmaker. She was flattered they liked her enough to consider her a good prospect for their dad, but she didn’t want to give them the wrong idea about their relationship. “Your dad has plenty of friends who could help him out with that.” She looked at Josh, tongue in cheek. “In fact, why don’t you ask some of your buddies from the force to stop by that night?”

Josh pointed in her direction. “Hey, that’s a good idea. I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Ah, Dad,” Mike groaned. “We don’t want our party to be crawling with cops.”

Josh winked at her. “Okay, but I could use some help keeping these kids in line. What do ya say, Lex?”

She looked over at Mike and Jay. Their expressions were a mixture of hope and excitement. She remembered what it felt like to be sixteen, how badly she’d wanted to fit in. Josh’s boys deserved this; they were great kids. “Sure, whatever I can do to help.”

“Thanks, Lexi, you’re the best,” Jay said, grinning.

“On that note, why don’t you guys clear the table while Lexi and I start the bonfire?”

“You got it, Dad,” Mike said, jumping up to collect the plates.

She helped Josh carry armfuls of kindling to the fire pit before finally settling on the edge of the rock formation circled around the fire. “It’s so beautiful out here,” she whispered. “So peaceful.”

He looked out at the lake as he crisscrossed the kindling over the small rocks at the base of the fire pit. “I know; this is my favorite place in the world.”

She drew her knees up to her chin. “You’re lucky, touring with Trey; you’ve been able to see so much of the world.”

He shrugged. “It’s nice to travel, but there’s no place like home.”

She might have felt that way too, had her home life been different growing up. “My home was the last place I wanted to be when I was a kid. I’d always get in trouble for daydreaming in class. I’d imagine what it would be like to travel, see the world, and learn about different cultures and customs.” She sighed, thinking about the dreams of the scared little girl she’d once been. “I loved the idea of just being able to hop on a plane and get lost in a place where no one knew your name. I thought about how easy it would be to re-invent myself, find new parents, a new life.”

She still thought about starting over in a faraway place sometimes, which would be impossible if she had a husband and kids. Yet another reason she’d decided to maintain her single status, so she could be the one to decide where she went, with whom, and whether or not she came back.

He chuckled. “You really are a free spirit, aren’t you, Lex?”

She knew he was thinking about their differences, mentally reminding himself of all the reasons their relationship would never work. “And you’re a homebody...”

He looked at her, his eyes travelling from her eyes to her lips and back again. “Strange, we’re so different, yet I feel more comfortable with you than I have with anyone, ever.”

She felt the heat creeping up her cheeks. It was silly to be so flustered by an inane comment, but it pleased her to know he considered her different, special. She decided to change the subject before she revealed too much. “It’s nice of you to let the boys have that party.”

He chuckled. “I just hope it’s nothing like my sixteenth birthday party. My mother was hosing the porch down for weeks afterward.”

She smiled. “That must have been some party.” She watched him crumple newspaper and place it strategically between the pieces of kindling. He was so strong, so capable. The kind of man a woman could depend on, rely on. If only she were the kind of woman who needed a man like that in her life. But she didn’t. She’d worked too damn hard at being independent to regress now. 

“What was your sweet sixteen like, Lexi?”

She shook her head. “Just like all the others.”

He frowned as he lit the newspaper. “What do you mean?”

She shrugged “I never had a birthday party.” It would have been easy to feel sorry for herself, but she refused to remain stuck in the past. She was on the fast track to success and she wasn’t going to let memories of a dismal childhood get in her way.

He set the lighter down and turned toward her. “Seriously, you never had a birthday party?”

“It wasn’t like that in our family, Josh. We were just struggling to survive. We didn’t have time to worry about boys or clothes or parties.” She rested her chin on her knees. “That’s life, right?”

He added small logs to the top of the pile and watched as the fire gained momentum. “You and Sierra have never really talked about your childhood all that much. By the time I met her, she was in college and she and Trey were a couple.”

“Not much to tell. You know my Mom died when I was a kid. My old man was a drunk; eventually he drank himself to death when I was a teenager. I’d like to say it was a loss, but it wasn’t.”

He settled on the rock beside her and took her hand. “That must have been rough.”

“Sure it was.” She looked at him. “I was thinking about it at dinner tonight, what it would have been like to sit around the table and have a real conversation every night.”

He put his arm around her. “What was it like at your house?”

She leaned into him, seeking comfort. “Mac and cheese in front of the TV most nights. We’d usually have to turn it up full blast just to drown out the yelling and crying.”

He kissed the top of her head. “I’m sorry, that really sucks.”

“Then Mom died and the house was so quiet. He’d still go on his tirades, but for the most part, he just stayed in his room watching TV and drinking himself to death. I don’t know which was worse, the silence or the fighting.”

He brushed her hair aside and kissed her cheek. “No kid should have to live through that, honey.”

“But too many kids do, Josh.” She looked up at him. “You and your boys are lucky. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have parents who want to love and protect them.”

They turned at the sound of footsteps on the path. “Hey, guys,” Josh yelled. “Don’t forget the marshmallows.”

She was grateful he was buying her a few minutes to collect herself. She didn’t often let her guard down and talk about her childhood. Being able to trust someone enough to confide in them without having to worry about being judged or ridiculed was nice. Josh was a good man, a good friend. She couldn’t afford to make a stupid mistake and risk losing that friendship.

“Why don’t we head up to the deck, let the boys enjoy the fire?” he asked.

“Sounds good.” She got up and stretched as the kids walked down the path.

Josh handed Mike the fire poker. “There’s plenty of wood to keep it going. Lexi and I are going to hang out on the deck for a while.”

“Good idea, you’ll get a great westerly view of the sunset from there, Lex,” Jay said, settling onto one of the rocks.

“I can’t wait,” she said, smiling. Being here with them, she was happier, more relaxed, than she had been in a long time.

Josh grabbed her hand as they headed up the path. “Do you need a sweater?”

“No, I’m okay for now.”

He pulled her close. “I could keep you warm,” he whispered.

She looked up into his eyes and felt herself gravitating toward him. She stopped and stepped into his arms, locking her hands around the back of his head as she reached up to pull his face down to meet hers. The first taste of his lips was like a lightning bolt of sensation that was both thrilling and scary. She moaned into his mouth as he delved deeper, lifting her off the ground as his tongue danced with hers, each trying to offer the other more pleasure.

“Glad to see you’re stickin’ to the plan, Dad,” Jay shouted. The other boys laughed.

“Shit,” he whispered, breaking away. He rested his forehead against hers as he drew deep breaths. “I guess that wasn’t very discreet, was it?”

“I’m sorry,” she said, stepping out of his arms. She pressed her fingertips against her swollen lips. “I wasn’t thinking...”

“Neither was I,” he said, grabbing her hand as he continued to lead them up the trail. “That’s how it is with you, Lex. I just act on impulse without thinking about the consequences. That’s not me, not how I operate, but with you I can’t seem to help myself.”

She was touched by his honesty. She only wished she were brave enough to reveal herself to him. He thought he knew her, but there was still so much he didn’t know, that he could never know. There was no point in sharing her burden with him. Josh was the kind of man who wanted to fix things, make things right, but he couldn’t help her erase her past, no one could.

She followed him into the cottage. She stood in the entry while he grabbed a blanket from the linen closet.

“Just in case you get cold,” he said, grinning.

She was struck by how different he was from most of the men she’d dated in the past. She usually chose men who were smaller in stature, less intimidating, maybe even slightly effeminate. Men she knew she could defend herself against if she ever felt threatened. Josh, on the other hand, epitomized masculinity. He was big, strong, and menacing. He outweighed her by at least a hundred pounds and was easily a foot taller. His hair was dark and bristled, he had a goatee, tattoos wrapping around his upper arms, and muscles that competitive bodybuilders would envy. She should be intimidated by him given her history with men, but instead he made her feel safe, protected.

He grabbed the bottle of wine and glasses they’d abandoned earlier and handed them to her.

“Can’t enjoy a sunset without a great bottle of wine,” he said.

She laughed. “I didn’t think a guy like you would know the difference between a chardonnay and a merlot.”

“Just goes to show you shouldn’t stereotype.”

She paused to admire the great room. She had been to their family cottage dozens of times, but she was always struck by the simple beauty of it. High ceilings, natural stone and wood, floor-to-ceiling windows, distressed leather furniture. It was so similar to his home in the city she knew he was trying to re-create some of the simplicity he enjoyed here. He was a straightforward man with simple needs. He didn’t need big fancy houses or cars, gourmet meals, or world travel to make him happy. He just wanted a nice home and a family to come home to at the end of a long day. He deserved to realize that dream, and she would have to force herself to step out of his way.

“Think you’ll retire here someday?” she asked.

“I’ve thought about it. I can’t see doing that alone though.”

She felt a pang of sadness. She knew a man like Josh would only be alone as long as he wanted to be. Now that he’d made the decision to start actively looking for a partner, she knew it wouldn’t be long before women were lining up for the chance to share his life. “I’m sure it won’t be hard to find someone who shares your vision for the future, Josh.”

He turned toward her suddenly, cupping her face in his hand. “Do you know how much I wish that someone were you?”

She held her breath, waiting for him to take possession of her mouth again.

Instead, he turned away, opening the French door leading to the wrap around deck.

She followed, unsure whether to be relieved or disappointed. She wanted him more than she’d ever wanted anyone, but she knew if they made love, they could never go back to being just friends. Not that they hadn’t already crossed the line into dangerous territory, but they had yet to pass the point of no return.

He positioned two lounge chairs side by side, facing the lake. “Make yourself comfortable.”

She set the glasses and wine bottle on the patio table and took her seat. She watched him refill each of the glasses, accepting the one he offered her.

He settled down beside her, resting his glass on the armrest. “This is the best,” he said, quietly.

She took a sip of the fine wine, allowing it to permeate her taste buds before swallowing it. “I can’t argue with that. Thanks for inviting me.”

“We should do this more often, now that you’ve moved back to Nashville.”

She looked out over the lake, searching for the first signs of the setting sun in the distance. “I won’t hold you to that, Josh.”

He shifted his weight, turning toward her. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

She closed her eyes and leaned her head against the cushioned headrest. “Before long, you’ll be engaged, then married. Hell, by this time next year you could be a daddy again.”