Fearless (3 page)
“Please,” she whispered, cupping her breasts.
He slipped the rest of his clothes off and climbed on top of her, resting his weight on his forearms. “I’m not gonna lie, Lex. This may be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done.”
Her heart clenched. She saw the internal battle in his eyes and was so afraid he was going to walk away. She wound her arms around his neck and tried to pull his head down to hers. She wanted to draw him into a kiss that would make him forget his doubts. He held firm, brushing her hair off her face so he could look into her eyes. “I’m serious. I know how you feel about relationships, but I’m afraid if we do this, I may not be able to walk away.”
She looked him in the eye, willing him to understand. “I can promise you a night of unforgettable sex, nothing more.”
He shifted his weight until he was lying beside her. He propped his head in his hand and looked down at her. “I don’t think that’s gonna be enough for me, Lexi.”
She took a deep breath. She tried to find a reasonable compromise that would give them both what they needed from each other. “Maybe we could continue to see each other for a while, until you find someone else.” It hurt her to say the words; she didn’t even want to think about him with another woman.
He sat up, running his hands through his hair. “Wait a minute; let me see if I understand this. You want me to sleep with you when one of us has the urge, but we’d both be free to sleep with other people?”
She felt the frustration radiating off him and it terrified her. Josh was a mountain of a man; the last thing she wanted to do was incense him. She tried to make light of the situation to diffuse his anger. “We’d be like friends with benefits.”
He was on her so fast she felt the air whoosh out of her lungs. “Are you crazy? Do you think I could share your body with other men?”
She was surprised by the intensity she saw in his eyes. She had never seen this side of Josh and she couldn’t say she liked it. She refused to allow any man to treat her as a possession. “It’s not like I’m asking you to participate with other men.”
He growled. “Don’t even joke about that. I would kill another man who ever dared to put his hands on you in front of me. I almost killed that poor bastard tonight and we hadn’t even slept together yet. If that happened when you were sharing my bed, trust me, it would have been ugly.”
She began to get a picture of what it would be like to be with a man like Josh. He expected all or nothing, and she sure as hell wasn’t prepared to give all of herself to any man. She struggled to get up. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe this was a bad idea.”
He pinned her down and stared into her eyes. “You’re lying here looking like that, telling me you think this may be a bad idea. You’re kidding, right?”
She was beginning to feel claustrophobic with his heavy body weighing her down. She hated the feeling of someone trying to force her, pressuring her, taking away her options. She began to panic. “Get off me.” Her shrill scream echoed through the room, bouncing off the walls.
He jumped up as though the bed were on fire. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
She tried to suck air into her oxygen-deprived lungs. It has been years since she’d had a panic attack. She still suffered from mild anxiety from time to time, but it was manageable with a strenuous exercise routine and the stress management techniques her therapist suggested.
He started to pull his pants on. “I knew this was a bad idea. You’re...”
She was sobbing, gasping and struggling for breath. It felt like someone was choking the life out of her again, wrapping his hands around her throat until she couldn’t draw breath. She gripped the edge of the mattress until her fingers turned white and tried to calm her breathing, but it was no use. She was mortified; she had set out to seduce him tonight and instead he was seeing her in the midst of a full-blown panic attack.
“Lexi, what the hell...” He came around the bed and knelt in front of her on bended knee. “What is it, sweetheart? Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I can’t breathe,” she gasped. He tried to touch her, but she pushed his hands away. Feeling someone else’s hands on her right now would only intensify the panic. “Don’t.”
“Do you need a doctor?”
She shook her head and pointed to her purse. “Medication.” She hadn’t used it in a while. She hated the fact that she had to tell someone about it. She had been able to hide it from everyone, including her sister.
He grabbed her purse and a bottle of water from the mini-bar. “Here you go.”
She struggled to get the cap off the bottle.
He took it from her and twisted the cap off before handing it back to her.
“Thanks.” She popped one of her magic pills and swallowed it with a mouthful of water. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back until she was able to breathe without feeling as though her lungs were collapsing.
He took the pill bottle out of her hand and looked at it. “What the hell is this for?”
She wasn’t about to explain to him. “I want you to go, Josh. Now.”
He narrowed his eyes and looked at her. “What are you not telling me? Are you sick?”
She chuckled. Not according to her therapist. He had described it as post-traumatic stress disorder, which she thought was ridiculous. People suffered from PTSD after wars and natural disasters, not bad relationships. “No, I’m fine. I’ve just changed my mind about this, about us. You were right, this was a bad idea.”
He looked at her as though she had sprouted a third eye. “You were the one begging me to make love to you a few minutes ago. Now you’re telling me you don’t want me anymore?”
“That’s right. A girl has the right to change her mind and you have no choice but to accept it.” She silently prayed he would accept it. She’d never challenged Josh before, never pushed him past the limit of his control. In truth, she had no idea how he would react. “Is that right?”
His eyes glittered dangerously and she braced her body for impact. Her heart told her this was Josh; it wasn’t Chris. He wasn’t the kind of man to put his hands on a woman because he didn’t get what he wanted. But her head told her not to be so naive; any man was capable of violence if pushed too far. She’d grown up with an abusive father; she’d learned that lesson at an early age.
“What are you doing?” he asked quietly.
She realized her whole body had stiffened. Her fists were clenched, her eyes were squeezed shut, her head was turned to the side, and she was holding her breath.
“Answer me, Lex.”
She forced herself to release the breath she’d been holding and relax her hands. “Nothing, never mind. I need you to go, Josh. Please.”
He looked at her as though he wanted to say something, but thought better of it. She watched him retrieve the rest of his clothes and shoes from the floor. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
She felt her control slipping. This wasn’t his fault. It was her fault. She was the one who couldn’t move beyond the past. “It’s not your fault, Josh. It’s me. I thought this was what I wanted. Obviously, I was wrong. I hope you’re not angry with me?”
He shook his head. “No, I’m not angry.” He sat on the edge of the bed, careful to put enough distance between them. “If there’s anything you want to talk to me about...”
She held up a hand. “No, but thanks.” If he didn’t leave right now, she was going to lose it.
He hesitated before getting up. “Okay, call me if you change your mind.”
She watched him walk toward the door, slipping his arms through his shirtsleeves. She turned her head away so he wouldn’t turn back and see the tears slipping down her cheeks. She cursed herself for her own stupidity. She had foolishly thought she might have finally been ready to move beyond the past.
Josh glanced in the rear view mirror. Both of his boys were occupied, one texting, the other listening to music. He usually enjoyed the drive to their cabin; it gave him time to wind down and think. Unfortunately, today his mind kept wandering back to last night and the way Lexi had reacted to him. He’d been a cop for too many years to miss the signs. Lexi had either been raped by a stranger or abused by a partner.
He gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white. The thought of a man putting his hands on Lexi in anger made him want to lash out, exact revenge on her behalf. But he knew violence wasn’t going to help repair the internal wounds that left her feeling scared and vulnerable. He should have been there to help her through it. He was a cop; he could have helped to build an airtight case that would have landed that dirt bag in jail for years. But he had been too wrapped up in his own life to recognize her pain.
He thought back, trying to identify a change in Lexi’s behaviour, signs he may have overlooked. They weren’t as close then, but they would see each other whenever she came to visit her sister in Nashville, which was usually for the summer. They would often meet at Trey and Sierra’s house whenever the couple hosted a dinner or party for their friends or family. He always took advantage of the opportunity to steal her away for some one-on-one time so they could grab a beer and talk.
Even before the break-up with her fiancée, she had become withdrawn, more reserved. She visited less often, claimed it was because she was spending so much time building her real estate business. Soon after, she announced that she had decided kids and marriage weren’t in the cards for her. Since then she’d enjoyed casual relationships with men who drifted in and out of her life whenever she wanted some company. She hadn’t spoken to him about a man in a long time, and he wasn’t sure if it was because there wasn’t anyone worth mentioning or because the sexual tension between them had become palpable in recent months.
He couldn’t explain his connection with Lexi, one unlike any he had ever known with another woman. He had always been attracted to her physically, but it went beyond that. He loved everything about her. He admired her strength and independence. He respected her work ethic and sense of commitment. He loved...
“Hey, Dad.” Mike popped the ear bud out of his ear. “Can we stop for a burger? I’m getting hungry.”
Josh grinned. “You’re always hungry, buddy.”
“Is that a yes?”
“Sure, we’ll be at Weber’s in about ten minutes.”
“Cool. Thanks, Dad.”
He thought of his kids and his plans for the future. He had hoped to talk to them about it this weekend. He didn’t want to move forward until he knew he had their support.
“Dad, can we have a few friends up this weekend?” Jay asked.
Josh rolled his eyes. “You’re asking me now?”
“There was supposed to be a party at Scott’s house ‘cause his parents were gonna be away for the weekend. Turns out they had to stay home ‘cause his old man had some big emergency at work. Now they’ve got nothin’ goin’ on. It would just be Scott, Rich, and Sulli. How ‘bout it, Dad?”
The boys were allowed to have friends up once a month and they were due, but that meant he’d have to bite the bullet and talk to them over lunch. He’d hoped to have more time to prepare himself, but maybe it was better this way. “Yeah, they can come up. Who’s driving them?”
“Rich’s dad said he could bring them up.”
“Okay. Just tell them to give us a couple of hours.”
“Cool. Thanks, Dad.”
Josh swung his Range Rover into a parking spot and cut the engine. He grabbed his wallet out of the glove box and checked his Blackberry for messages. There was a text from Lexi. His heart thumped in his chest as he clicked on the message. ‘Sorry about last night. Hope you’re not mad.’
He quickly responded. ‘Not mad. At cabin with boys. We need to talk. Call u later.’ He hit send and reached for the door handle. “Ready, guys?”
“Yeah, I’m starving,” Jay grumbled.
They made their way through the front doors and he waved at the waitress as they set their sights on a booth in the back of the crowded restaurant. He exchanged a few pleasantries with other diners before they finally sat down.
He had been coming to this restaurant since he was a kid himself. His parents bought the cabin when he and his brother and sister were pre-schoolers. He bought it from his parents soon after the divorce so he and his boys would have the opportunity to re-create some of his favorite childhood memories. Fortunately, his boys loved coming up here as much as he and his siblings used to. He felt blessed to be able to spend this time with them and hoped he would be able to pass the cabin on to them and their kids one day.
Once the waitress brought their drinks and they placed their food orders, Josh decided it was time. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you guys about.” He looked at them closely, struck by how much they looked like him at that age. He had made so many mistakes as a father; he only hoped they knew how much he loved them. He wished he could have given them the family they deserved, with both parents living under one roof, instead of sharing them, pulling them in different directions. He and his ex were on good terms. Still, he knew the divorce had been hard on his boys.
They both looked curious enough to set their phones on the table and give him their undivided attention. “This sounds serious, Dad. What’s up?” Jay asked.
Josh took a sip of ginger ale to coat his dry throat. “I’ve been thinking about the possibility of getting married again. What would you guys think about that?”
Jay and Mike looked at each other and grinned. “Could you imagine how jealous our friends would be if we had Lexi as a step-mom?” Mike asked, laughing. “They’d be over at Dad’s house all the time.”
Jay laughed. “Remember when Dad had that pool party and they saw Lexi in a bikini for the first time? I thought Scott was gonna drown.” They laughed uproariously at the memory, holding their sides as they struggled to catch their breath.
The other diners looked on curiously.
Josh covered his mouth with a napkin so he wouldn’t spew ginger ale across the table. “What are you guys talking about? Who said anything about me marrying Lexi?”
