Fearless (10 page)

“I should probably go too, Mark. Thanks for the drink.”

He continued to hold her hand. “We’re still on for tomorrow night, right?”

She nodded. She couldn’t cut herself off from the world. She had to continue dating and hope that eventually she would meet someone who would help her forget Josh. “You got it.” She slid her business card across the table. “Call me tomorrow afternoon and we’ll firm up our plans.”

He stood and drew her into his arms. “I’m really glad I met you, Lexi.”

She lingered in his arms for a few seconds before pulling back. “It was nice to meet you too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

His eyes drifted to her lips.

She ducked her head before he could act on his impulse to kiss her. “Drive safely,” she said, slipping out of his arms before she had to ward off his unwelcome advance. She sought out Marisa and Sierra to let them know she was leaving. Sierra was dancing with her husband, so she scanned the crowd looking for Marisa.

She was sharing a small table in the back with Tim when Lexi finally located her. “Sorry to interrupt, guys. I just wanted to let you know I’m heading out. Sierra can get a ride home with Trey, but will you be all right, Marisa?”

Marisa turned to Tim. “Would you mind giving me a ride home, Tim?”

He grinned and tipped his glass. “It would be my pleasure.”

Lexi hoped Marisa had finally found someone who would help take her mind off Luc. “Ok, I’ll talk to you tomorrow. You’re still going to Josh’s house tomorrow night?”

Marisa smiled at Tim. “We are. How ‘bout you?”

She nodded. “I thought I’d invite someone. Do you think Josh will mind?”

Marisa shrugged. “I don’t know. He said he was going to his karate studio for a while. Why don’t you stop by and ask him?”

“Yeah, I just might do that.” She waved. “Enjoy the rest of your night.”

The thought of having some alone time with Josh was tempting. She had no idea what he was thinking, how he was feeling. Now that some time had passed, she was anxious to find out if he thought it would be possible to salvage a friendship once the wounds had healed.

She practically sprinted through the bar in her haste to get to the studio before he left. She didn’t want to waste an opportunity to get some alone time with him. As soon as she was safely ensconced in her car, she hit the cd button and let the music surround her. She listened intently as she meandered her way out of the busy parking lot.

The album was Trey’s debut, released a dozen years ago. But it remained one of her favorites, partially because of her sister’s involvement, and because it spoke volumes about overcoming the odds. That was something she took pride in being able to relate to.

She should be another statistic, but she had overcome the odds to become a strong, independent woman who could take care of herself. She cruised along the busy freeway on her way to the studio. The car window was ajar and the wind whipping through her hair when she realized she was completely free. She could go anywhere she wanted to go, do anything she wanted to do. Her rental properties were managed by a property management company, and they provided enough income for her to live comfortably or travel anywhere in the world. She finally had the freedom she had been working so hard to attain, but the thought of living her life with total abandon was suddenly terrifying. It was heartbreaking to think that if she left town tonight, no one would care enough to ask her to come back.

She knew her sister loved her, but she was starting a new family with Trey. Their family would become her first priority. She had a half a dozen close friends, all of whom had lives and families of their own, but not a single person whose life would be affected if she took up residence on another continent tomorrow. It was chilling to think she was thirty years old and had maintained only superficial connections throughout her life.  

She pulled into the parking lot of Josh’s karate studio and cut the engine. She watched him through the front window. He was obviously concentrating on his form and hadn’t heard her pull up. He was jabbing the heavy bag with his hands, then with his feet, trying to hit a target only he could see.

Josh’s connections ran deep. He had his boys, his parents, his siblings, his friends, his job, his homes, and his studio. Dozens of people needed him, whose lives he touched every day. He was responsible; he had commitments. He wasn’t afraid to take risks, to get involved, to get hurt.

She prided herself on being strong and brave, but in so many ways, she was insecure and weak. She was too afraid to take a chance that may result in a broken heart or worse. She had always told herself that she chose to be alone because she was self-sufficient, but she was questioning whether the choice to be alone was actually fear-based. 

She forced herself to get out of the car. She crossed the dark, abandoned parking lot, determined to face her fears.

Chapter Eight
 

Josh knew it would be in his best interest to act as though seeing her had no effect on him, but he couldn’t lie to her or himself. He’d missed her more than he would have thought possible this past week and he wouldn’t pretend otherwise. He grabbed a towel and wiped his forehead. “What brings you by, Lexi?”

She sat on one of the chairs lining the perimeter of the large open space. “Honestly? I have no idea. I just knew I had to see you.”

He watched her carefully. There was something different about her tonight. She seemed pensive, uncertain, unlike the woman he thought he knew. He claimed a chair beside her, leaving an empty space between them. “You know you can talk to me about anything. What is it?”

She looked at her clasped hands. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, about myself and about us.”

He held his breath waiting for her to continue. He tried to remain calm, refusing to allow himself to believe she may have changed her mind about their future.

She looked up at him. “I really admire you, Josh.”

Whatever he had been expecting to hear, it wasn’t praise. “How so?”

“You’ve been hurt and disappointed, but you haven’t let that stop you from going after what you want.”

He wrapped the towel around his neck to absorb the perspiration. He came here tonight confused and frustrated after seeing Lexi with another man. He had hoped that practicing the discipline he loved might help him to gain some clarity, but after seeing her, he realized he was no closer to coming to terms with her decision than he had been when she left his cottage last week. “That’s not true, Lexi. If I’d been as brave as you give me credit for, I’d have gone after you a long time ago.”

Her eyes met his in the mirrors that wrapped around the perimeter of the room. “Why didn’t you?”

“I was afraid of rejection. I was even more afraid of losing you as a friend.”

She reached across the empty space between them and grabbed his hand. “I don’t want that either, Josh. I’ve missed you. I didn’t even realize how much until I saw you tonight.”

He shook his head. “This is crazy; we belong together, Lexi. Why can’t you see that?”

She let her purse fall to the floor at her feet. “I’ve decided to go back to Arkansas.”

He felt like she’d dropkicked him in the gut. He was asking her for a chance and she responded by telling him she couldn’t get away from him fast enough. “Why are you leaving? I thought you wanted to be here for Sierra when the baby’s born.”

She nodded. “I do; I will be here for her. But there’s some things I need to take care of back home. This is something that I should have dealt with a long time ago.”

“I don’t suppose you’d like to tell me about it?”

She smiled and squeezed his hand. “I would if I thought I could. But I know you and I know you wouldn’t accept my decision without a fight.”

He scowled. “What the hell does that mean? You don’t think you can trust me?”

She released his hand. “Not with this.” She fisted her hand until her knuckles turned white. “There are some things I have to deal with on my own. This happens to be one of them.”

He got up and walked to the front desk. He needed to put some distance between them or risk doing or saying something he would regret. “Why can’t you let anyone help you? Why do you feel the need to handle everything on your own?”

She dropped her head back and closed her eyes. “I don’t expect you to understand, but I do need you to respect my decision.”

He threw the towel down on the desk. “Fine.” He was furious that she was leaving him with no option but to let her go. “When are you leaving?”

She opened her eyes to look at him. “The day after tomorrow. I’d still like to come to the party tomorrow night, if that’s okay with you?” 

“Don’t feel as though you have to. I’m sure Jay and Mike would understand if you couldn’t make it.”

“Are you saying you don’t want me there?”

He didn’t know how to answer that question, so he remained silent. He wanted her there, but not as a pit stop on her way out of his life.

She sighed. “Damn it, Josh, if you don’t want me at the party, just say the word. I’ll understand.”

He grabbed the cordless phone and threw it across the room, shattering it against the door. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of this. Why the hell are you doing this?”

She cringed, covering her ears and squeezing her eyes shut. “Stop it. Don’t do this,” she pleaded.

He cursed himself for losing control. He never lost control, never yelled, threw things, or drank excessively. But the last couple of weeks, he had become someone he didn’t even recognize anymore. He couldn’t go on this way. He had to come to terms with her decision and let her go. Maybe it would be best if she went back to Arkansas. He could only hope that once she was out of sight, he would be able to put her out of his mind.

“Look, I’m sorry about that.” He forced himself to rein in his temper. “I was out of line.” He crossed the studio to draw the blinds. “If you want to come to the party, you’re more than welcome.”

She seemed to consider his words. “Would it be okay if I brought someone with me to the party?”

He stared at her, unable to believe her audacity. Surely, she wasn’t asking permission to bring a date to his house. “Are you talking about that guy you were with tonight?”

She nodded her head. “His name is Mark. He’s really a very nice guy.”

He considered the ramifications of putting his fist through the nearest wall of mirrors. He knew he wouldn’t feel the pain; he was already numb. “Be my guest. Bring whoever the hell you want.” He held the front door open for her. “If you’ll excuse me, I really need to hit the shower.”

“Josh, I...”

He held his hand up to silence her. “We have nothing more to say to each other. I think you need to leave, now.”

She hung her head. “I’m sorry I came. I thought...” She passed through the door and turned to face him.

He hated that he still wanted her as much, if not more, than before. “I don’t want to hear it. I’m sick and tired of wasting my time with a woman who gets off on jerking me around.”

Her eyes pleaded with him. “Please don’t say that. I don’t want you to hate me.”

He glared at her. “I don’t hate you. I don’t feel anything for you anymore. Good night, Lexi. And if you change your mind about tomorrow night, have a safe trip home.” 

He let the door close in her face and turned the lock. He hit the light switch and stalked to the back of the studio, determined to stand under the stream of hot water until he was too tired to think about her or feel the knife wedged in his back.

Josh knew he had to hold it together today. His kids deserved a memorable sixteenth birthday party, and he would be damned if he’d let his preoccupation with Lexi rob them of that. She would be leaving tomorrow, out of town and out of his life.

He hadn’t expected to feel so angry, so bitter. He had naïvely believed they would be able to maintain their friendship, but last night had quashed that hope. If she wasn’t willing to trust him, to take a chance on them, there was no way he would continue to torture himself with thoughts of what might have been.

“Hey, Dad, everything looks great. Thanks for doing this for us.” Jay slapped him on the back.

“My pleasure,” Josh said, stocking one of half a dozen coolers scattered around the pool.

“You okay, Dad? You haven’t been yourself lately.”

Josh considered brushing off his son’s concern, but he wasn’t a kid anymore. He deserved to know the truth. He sat down on the edge of a lounging chair. “Remember when I told you Lexi and I were just friends?”

Jay laughed. “Yeah, but after that kiss at the cabin, we kind of figured things out for ourselves.”

Josh grimaced. Making out in front of his sons had been in poor taste and not something he ever would have considered with any other woman. There was something about Lexi that made him lose control. “About that night...”

“You guys had an argument, didn’t you?”

Josh looked at his son, surprised by his summation. “What makes you think that?”

He shrugged. “She was supposed to spend the night. When she didn’t, we figured something was up.”

“Yeah, I guess I should have explained.”

Jay claimed the seat next to his father. “You don’t owe us any explanation, Dad. What’s between you and Lexi is your business. Mike and I are cool with it.”

Josh scrubbed his hands over his face, suddenly feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. How could he explain it to his son when he didn’t understand it himself? “That’s just it, Jay. There’s nothing between Lexi and me. I wanted there to be, but she didn’t feel the same way.”

Jay gripped his shoulder. “I’m sorry, Dad. That really sucks. I know how much you cared about her.”

He looked at his son’s hand. It was the hand of a man, a young man who deserved complete disclosure. He didn’t want to see his boys repeat the same mistakes he had made with women, and the only way to ensure that didn’t happen was to humbly admit to those mistakes and hope they could learn a lesson from them. “I allowed myself to fall in love with Lexi, Jay. It was stupid. I knew she wasn’t interested in getting married or having a family, but I allowed myself to believe that if we got closer, she might change her mind.”