Fearless (11 page)

“I take it that’s not going to happen?”

“She’s bringing a date to your birthday party tonight. Does that answer your question?”

Jay jumped up, pacing the flagstone enclosure around the pool. “Why the hell would she do that? Is she trying to hurt you or just trying to piss you off?”

Josh appreciated his son’s outrage on his behalf, but he didn’t want his situation to affect their relationship with Lexi. They’d always liked her, and he knew the feeling was mutual. “It’s no big deal, Jay. Fact is she’s going back to Arkansas tomorrow.”

Jay stopped pacing long enough to face him. “What? Why would she do that?”

Josh shrugged. “I wish I knew. She didn’t want to tell me.”

“This doesn’t make sense, Dad. I thought she moved back here to be closer to Sierra and the baby. Why would she leave now?”

“Your guess it as good as mine, kid.” Josh could hear the cars pulling up in front of the house, followed by shouting and laughter as car doors slammed. He stood up. “Sounds like your friends are starting to arrive. I think I’ll head inside. Just yell if you need anything.”

Jay stepped in front of him. He reached up to give him a hug. “I’m sorry things didn’t work out for you, Dad.”

Josh swallowed the lump in his throat as he slapped his son on the back. It had been a long time since one of his kids had turned the tables on him and offered their support. He was supposed to be their shoulder to lean on, not the other way around. “Thanks, buddy.”

Jay turned to greet his friends and Josh waved his hand in greeting as he walked toward the house.

Ashley had offered to help set up for the party and he accepted. They were still friends and he knew she wanted to be here for their kids’ milestone birthday.

She was emptying a bag of chips into a bowl. “Looks like you and Jay were having a nice talk.” She smiled. “I couldn’t help but notice.”

He straddled a stool at the breakfast bar and watched his ex-wife spoon dip into a plastic bowl.

“Yeah, they’re really growing up, Ash.”

She laughed. “Tell me about it. They’ve started patting me on the head.”

He smiled. “They’re great kids. For all the mistakes we made, we must have done something right.”

She reached across the counter to grab his hand. “I’m so proud of them. Thank you for being the father I knew you would be. Even after the divorce, you were always there for them.”

He was surprised by her uncharacteristic sentiment. He and Ashley were cordial, friendly, but they rarely engaged in heart-to-heart talks anymore. “Thanks for saying that, Ash.” He squeezed her hand. “But I can’t take all the credit. They’re damn lucky to have you as their mom.”   

She claimed a stool across from him, propping her elbow on the counter and resting her chin in her palm. “It’s hard to believe they’ll be gone in a few years.”

He shook his head. “I know; it won’t be the same without them.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “I’m gonna miss them so much, Josh. I don’t know what I’m gonna do without them.” 

He stood and pulled her into his arms. “Ssh, it’s gonna be okay. We’re going to be okay, honey.”

He stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head.

She buried her face in his chest. “I hope you’re right.”

He looked up to see Lexi and her date standing in the doorway. She looked stunned to see what she must have misconstrued as an intimate moment.

“I’m sorry,” she said, grabbing her date’s hand. “We didn’t mean to interrupt.”

He let his arms fall to his sides as Ashley turned her back to wipe her tears.

“You didn’t interrupt.” He stepped forward, extending his hand to Lexi’s date. “It’s Mark, right? I’m Josh. It’s nice to meet you.”

Mark accepted his handshake and smiled. “Thanks for having me.” He circled his hand in the air. “Hell of a place you got here, man.”

Josh tried to accept the compliment, but he couldn’t allow himself to warm up to the man who might be sharing Lexi’s bed tonight. “Thanks, I like it. Why don’t you guys help yourselves to a drink at the bar in the great room? Ashley and I will join you in a few minutes.”

Lexi glared at him. “Don’t rush on our account. You two take all the time you need.”

He suppressed the urge to grab her arm to stop her from leaving the room. He wanted to explain what she’d walked in on, but Mark slipped his arm around her waist and ushered her from the room before he could find the right words.

Ashley sniffled. “I’m sorry I fell apart on you like that, Josh.” She wiped her nose with a tissue. “I must be going through a mid-life crisis or something.” She laughed. “I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about...”

Trey and Sierra walked into the room. “We heard you two were hiding out in here,” Trey said. Josh turned to greet his friends.

Sierra stepped into his arms. “Thanks for the invite, Josh.”

“My pleasure; I’m glad you guys could make it.”

Trey gave Ashley a hug. “It’s great to see you, Ash. It’s been too long.”

The four of them had been the best of friends in college. Time, distance, and divorce had changed that. There were times, like now, when Josh wished he could go back and relive those years with the life experience he had now. Maybe he would have fought harder to save his marriage. If he had salvaged his marriage, he wouldn’t be tied up in knots over a woman he couldn’t have.

Life would be so much simpler. He wouldn’t be facing the prospect of starting over again at a time when he should be enjoying the life he’d worked so hard to build. More importantly, he’d be able to spend every day with his boys instead of just a few days a month.

“Hard to believe Jay and Mike are sixteen. I remember the day they were born.” Sierra laughed and tipped her head toward Josh. “I’d never seen a prouder Papa than this one.”

Josh smiled at the memory. It had been the best day of his life, bar none. He would give everything he owned to relive that day. “Wait ‘til your little one comes along.” He jerked a finger toward Trey. “This guy won’t give her a moment’s peace.”

“Her?” Ashley asked. “The baby is a girl?”     

Sierra nodded, beaming. “Can you believe it?”

Ashley hugged her old friend. “I’m so happy for you.” She grabbed Trey’s hand. “For both of you. I hope you realize how lucky you two are to have found each other again.”

Trey and Sierra exchanged a look that spoke volumes. “Believe me, we do,” Trey said.

Ashley looked at Josh and he felt the sharp stab of regret. She had once been the love of his life; she was the mother of his children. He had failed her and his family when he gave up on his marriage without a fight.

“Excuse me,” he said quietly. “I’m going to step outside. I need to check on the kids.”

He walked across the expansive yard, wishing he could keep walking. Away from the confusion and frustration of his present and the guilt of his past. Away from the woman he used to love and the woman he wished he’d never allowed himself to fall in love with.       

He felt someone touch his shoulder. He didn’t have to turn around to know it was Lexi.

“You got a minute?” she asked.

He wanted to tell her to go back to Arkansas, get out of his life and his head. Instead, he turned around to face her. She looked gorgeous in the dim light cast by the lanterns. She was wearing a black wrap dress and strappy sandals that elongated her toned legs.

He grabbed her wrist and pulled her into the shadows, his breathing ragged. “Why are you doing this to me?”

She looked up him, her eyes fixated on his mouth. “Doing what?”

“Damn it, Lexi, you’re makin’ me crazy.”

She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his head down to meet hers. “The feeling’s mutual.” She flicked her tongue across his lower lip. “It made me crazy when I saw you in there with your ex-wife.”

He wrestled with the knot on the front of her dress, desperate to expose her bare skin.

She reached down to still his hands. “We can’t do this here, Josh. What about the kids?”

He cursed himself for being an irresponsible excuse for a father. He was supposed to be chaperoning a bunch of teenagers and he wouldn’t have noticed if they set the house on fire. He was too busy trying to get naked in the bushes.

“Ditch the date,” he whispered in her ear. “Stay after the party.” His tongue flicked across her earlobe and she sank into him, moaning against his chest.

“What about Ashley?” she whispered.

“She’s taking the boys home after the party. We’ll have the place to ourselves.”

She kissed him thoroughly, delving into his mouth. “That’s an offer I can’t refuse

Chapter Nine

Lexi was appalled, watching the man she loved turned into a man she didn’t recognize. Josh was throwing back shots, flirting with every woman at the party, singing, dancing, engaging in heated arguments about football, and falling all over his ex-wife in a drunken stupor she seemed to find amusing.

She watched as Josh claimed Ashley’s hand and led her into the master bedroom. Her pride told her to let him go, but she couldn’t bring herself to walk away without trying to understand what prompted the uncharacteristic behaviour. What happened to the man who had tried to seduce her only a few hours ago?

She sat on the bench outside the master suite, grateful they had left the door slightly ajar. She pretended to scroll through her email messages while she waited for the powder room. None of the guests would guess she was eavesdropping on Josh and his ex-wife.

“Ash, I’m a jackass,” he slurred. “I screwed everything up.”

“Josh, you need to sit down before you fall down.” Ashley laughed. “I’ve never seen you drink that much. What’s gotten into you tonight?”

He chuckled. “You mean besides half a bottle of Jack Daniels?”

Lexi heard the bedsprings squeak and she was dying to know whether they were sitting up or lying down, but peering through the open door would put her at risk of being discovered, so she remained seated and held her breath, listening.

“I’m serious,” Ashley said. “You haven’t been yourself the past few months.”

He sighed. “I’m a mess, Ash. You and I had it all. How the hell did we let it fall apart?”

“I don’t know, Josh. I’ve been asking myself the same thing lately.”

“Really? You still think about me, about us?”

Lexi felt her chest constrict with pain. She had almost turned her life upside down for a man who was still in love with his ex-wife. She thought she was too smart to ever be taken in by a man again. Evidently, she was wrong.

“I think about us all the time, Josh,” Ashley said. “How can I not? I look at our boys and I see your face, hear your voice. You weren’t much older than they are now when we fell in love.”

“I remember. God, those were the best days of my life, Ash.”

“Mine too.”

“How the hell did we end up here then?”

For the first time, Lexi heard sadness and regret in his voice. Whenever he had talked to her about his ex or the divorce, he had seemed at peace with his decision. She wondered if that had been an act for her benefit or if he had still been trying to come to terms with losing the woman he loved. What a fool she’d been to believe she was that woman. It was Ashley. It had always been Ashley.

“I’ve asked myself that a million times, Josh,” Ashley said quietly. “You were the only man I’ve ever loved. The only man I ever wanted to be with.”

“You really mean that?”

Lexi couldn’t resist the urge to lean forward and sneak a peek into the open doorway so she could read their body language. They were seated at the foot of the bed, facing each other. They were holding hands, looking like lovers who were finally finding their way back to each other.

Lexi felt guilty for insinuating herself into their private conversation. If Josh and his ex-wife could find their way back to each other, she wouldn’t stand in their way. His kids deserved to have both of their parents living under one roof. She got up quickly and raced down the hall, looking for Mark. It was time for her to follow through with her plans in Arkansas so she could move on with her own life.

She almost bumped into Marisa at the end of the hall. “Hey, where are you going in such a hurry?” Marisa asked, grabbing her shoulders.

“I have to go, Marisa. Have you seen Mark?” She looked around frantically, desperate to get out of the house before Josh came out of the bedroom and felt compelled to explain his decision to go back to his wife.

“I think he stepped outside to get some fresh air.” She looked down the hall. “Where’s Josh? I thought you two were together.”

“No, no. I think he’s with Ashley.” She cursed herself for saying too much. It wouldn’t take Marisa long to figure out she’d been eavesdropping on their conversation.

“Is that what’s got you so freaked out? Honey, they’re just friends.”

She shook her head, trying to stem the flow of tears. “You’re wrong, Marisa. He’s still in love with her. I just heard him tell her how much he missed her, how sorry he was that they’d let their marriage fall apart.”

Marisa looked skeptical. “Are you sure?”

“I know what I heard. He’s still in love with her.”

Marisa gave her a hug, patting her back. “Ssh, stop crying. I’m sure you misunderstood. I talked to Josh last night.” She pulled back to hold her at arm’s length. “Trust me; you are the only woman on his mind.”

Lexi sniffled. She was embarrassed to be making a spectacle of herself in front of her friends, their friends. “I can’t talk about this right now. I have to go.” She tried to push past Marisa, but she grabbed her hand.

“Are you still planning on going back to Arkansas?”

“I have to.”

“Damn it, Lexi. Don’t do this. It’s too dangerous.”

“I have no choice, Marisa. It’s the only way I can put this behind me. I can’t live the rest of my life in fear.”

Josh stumbled out of the bedroom feeling like he had just been run over by a freight train. The room was spinning and his head throbbed. This feeling was the reason he rarely indulged in alcohol, but tonight he had been so conflicted, so frustrated trying to sort out the mess that was his life, that he accepted the first drink. When it took the edge off, he kept drinking, hoping to gain some clarity, or at least lower his defences enough to indulge in the one night he so desperately wanted with Lexi.