Fearless (20 page)

“You think wanting someone in your life makes you weak?”

She regarded him carefully, trying to decide whether he was engaging in friendly conversation or pleading his friend’s case. “When I broke up with Chris, I made the decision to stand on my own two feet. I don’t want to be dependent on anyone ever again.”

He shot a sidelong glance at the folded newspaper. “I get that, but doesn’t it get lonely sometimes?” 

She shrugged, feeling the weight of the burden she’d been carrying. “Sometimes, but what about you? You’re in the same boat, right?”

He took a drink of coffee. “Nah, I just haven’t found the right woman yet. But I know she’s out there somewhere just waiting for me.” He winked. “I may have thought you were that woman if not for the fact that you’re in love with one of my best friends.”

She opened her mouth to protest, but closed it abruptly. What was the point in denying it? She and Derek had spent countless hours talking about Josh over the past few days. It must have been written all over her face every time she talked about him.

“Why not give him a chance? You won’t find a better guy.”

She took a deep breath, trying to cleanse her soul of the bitterness and anger of the past. “I know what kind of man Josh is, which is why he’s better off without me in his life.”

He reached out to grab her hand. “You’re too hard on yourself. I’m not saying it would be easy, but wouldn’t it be worth it?”

She looked him in the eye. “I’m afraid of hurting him, Derek. I’m terrified that he’ll want more than I can give and he’ll be disappointed in me.”

He kissed her hand. “That’s a possibility. But there’s also the possibility that you guys will find a way to work it out.”

She wanted to believe that was possible; that in spite of their differences and her hang-ups, they could find a compromise that would make them both happy. Maybe she could satisfy her urge to travel by going on tour with them. Maybe they could try living together. Maybe she could find the courage to take the risk.

“So what are your plans now that the trial is over and both Chris and Mark are out of your life?” Mark had agreed to transfer to a firehouse in Arizona and, in exchange, Lexi would drop all charges against him. She hadn’t wanted to see him in jail; she just wanted him out of her life.

Chris got the life sentence he deserved and Derek paid a personal visit to both men’s fathers last night to let them know that he was watching their every move, and if they even thought of laying a hand on Lexi, they would be sharing a cell with Chris. Derek was convinced they got the message.

“I don’t know. I’ve been looking at a few houses. Thought I might fly out and have a look, but I haven’t decided on anything just yet.”

“Any chance one of those houses might be in Nashville?”

She chuckled. “I can see why you and Josh are such good friends. You’re both relentless.”

He laughed. “I can’t deny that. A good cop never gives up, not even on a cold case.”

“You think I should go back to Nashville, try to make things work with Josh?”

He slammed his palm against the table. “Hell yeah. What do you think I’ve been trying to tell you the past few days, woman? That man is in love with you, and there’s no doubt in my mind that you feel the same way about him, so why are you wasting your time sitting here talking to me?”  

“What if I can’t give him what he needs, Derek? What if I end up making him miserable?”

He stood up and pulled her to her feet. “Sugar, there are no guarantees in life. You don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow or if you’re even gonna be here tomorrow. You have to live for today. The rest will work itself out.”

She wrapped her arms around his waist and laid her head against his chest. “You’re right. Thanks, Derek. Josh and I are lucky to have a friend like you.”

Josh answered his front door, bleary-eyed and craving caffeine. “What are you doing here, Ashley?”

She patted his cheek. “Don’t you look like hell? It’s 11:00 in the morning. It’s not like you to sleep so late.” She looked down the long hallway. “Are you with someone?” she whispered.

He wished he could say he was dead on his feet because he and Lexi had been going at it until dawn. Instead he’d been tossing and turning all night, trying to resist the temptation to pick up the phone or hop in his car and drive through the night to see her. He couldn’t stand the thought that today might be the day she packed up and moved on with her new life. But he wouldn’t try to guilt her into staying here and living a life that would make her bitter and resentful. She deserved to be happy, even if it meant that he had to be miserable without her.

“No, I’m alone.”

“Good, I wanted to talk to you about the boys.”

He led her toward the kitchen to retrieve a cup of the coffee that had been brewing. “What about the boys? Is there a problem?” He poured two cups and handed one to her.

She slid onto a stool at the breakfast bar and set her mug on the granite countertop. “It’s like we were talking about the other night, Josh. They’re growing up. Soon they’ll be out of the house and moving on with lives of their own.”

He took a deep swallow of the fortifying beverage and leaned against the counter, facing his ex-wife. “I know. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. It’s gonna be hard to let them go, but that’s a part of life, right? We knew the day was gonna come.”

She ran a fingernail around the rim of her mug. “Ever think about what our lives might be like if things had turned out differently, if we’d tried harder to make our marriage work?”

He shrugged, not sure where this conversation was going. He was thinking about the future, not the past. “Sure, I guess.”

“I meant what I said that night at the party.” She looked at her coffee, her eyes filling with tears. “I still love you.”

He swallowed, unsure how to respond. He would always love her too; she was the mother of his children. But he was only in love with one woman: Lexi. “I love you too, Ash...”

“Let’s try again, Josh.” She got up and walked toward him. “I know you want to have more kids; so do I. We could...”

His cell phone rang, giving him time to consider a response to her shocking proposal. He held up a finger. “I really need to take this, Ash. Just give me a minute.” He turned his back to her, bracing his hand on the counter. “Hey, Trey, what’s up buddy?” He immediately heard the concern lacing his friend’s words and knew he had to do what he could to help mitigate the situation. “Just let me grab a quick shower. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Ashley grabbed his forearm. “What is it? Is it Sierra or the baby?”

He took a deep, steadying breath. He knew panicking would only exacerbate the situation. “Sierra just found out about Lexi’s involvement in the murder trial in Arkansas. She can’t reach her and she’s going out of her mind. Trey’s worried about the effect the stress may have on her and the baby.” 

She gripped his arm fiercely. “Oh God, I hope she’s going to be okay. Do you mind if I come with you?” 

“No, just give me a few minutes to grab a shower.”

Josh was in the shower in record time, washing his hair and body on autopilot. What did it mean that Sierra couldn’t reach her sister? Why the hell hadn’t Lexi called her to try and explain before the press bombarded her with the news? That didn’t sound like Lexi. Her sister and her unborn baby were at the top of Lexi’s priority list; she wouldn’t do anything to hurt them. If she hadn’t called, it must have been because she couldn’t. His mind started churning with dozens of worst-case scenarios that left him feeling nauseous.

He’d tried to call Derek before Ashley arrived, but the call went straight to voice mail. They’d spoken last night and Derek assured him everything was fine. Mark was on his way out of town, Chris was behind bars, and the two old men had been given fair warning. Derek said he didn’t know what Lexi’s plans were, but he was confident she wasn’t in danger. He’d promised to call with an update in the morning. Why hadn’t he called? Was it possible Lexi had just packed up and left town without a word to Derek and he was trying to find a way to break the news to him?

He jumped out of the shower and towelled off quickly before grabbing his cell phone. No new calls. He sent a text message to his friend.
Where the hell are you? Why aren’t you answering the phone? Is Lexi ok?  

He slipped into a pair of jeans, pulled a long-sleeved cotton shirt over his head, and sat on the edge of the bed to put his socks on. He looked at the huge, king-sized bed and remembered what it had felt like to share a bed with Lexi. He shouldn’t have walked out on her. He should have stayed and fought for what he wanted instead of turning tail and running like a coward just because she’d hurt his feelings, wounded his pride. If he ever got another chance with her, he vowed to make the most of it. He wouldn’t leave until he broke down her defenses and alleviated her fears. He would find a way to make her believe in him, in them.

Derek reached across the console to grab Lexi’s hand as he navigated the traffic toward Trey’s home. “Hey, you okay? You’ve been pretty quiet.”

She squeezed his hand and stared out the window, trying to come to terms with her decision. She loved Josh, she couldn’t imagine her life without him, yet the thought of making a commitment still terrified her. She hoped she was making the right decision, going back to Nashville. “I’m okay; just have a lot on my mind.” She turned toward him. “I can’t thank you enough for coming with me, Derek.”

He grinned, slipping his hand out of hers to adjust the volume on the radio. “My pleasure; like I said, my family lives in Nashville, so it’ll give me an excuse to catch up with them and some old friends.”

“Ever think about moving back home?”

“All the time, but the timing hasn’t been right. Never know what might happen in the future, right?”

She thought she had her future all mapped out, but then Josh came along and turned her world upside down. “I’m sure your family would be thrilled to have you home.”

He smiled. “Yeah, we’re pretty close even though we don’t see each other as much as I’d like. I’ve got two nieces and two nephews I love to spoil.”

She could hardly wait until she had a niece. She wanted Sierra’s baby to have the childhood they never had: a nice home, two loving parents, and a big extended family who adored her. She loved children of all ages; she just couldn’t imagine having someone depend on her for everything.

Only in recent years had she learned to depend on herself. “I know how much Josh wants to have another baby. I have no idea how we’re going to handle that obstacle. I’ve got to be honest, the thought of being a parent scares the hell out of me, but I don’t want to deprive Josh of the opportunity to be a dad again.”

Derek laughed. “Don’t you think all first time parents feel the same way, Lexi? Everyone is terrified at the prospect of becoming a parent, and if they tell you they’re not, they’re lying.”

She thought about her sister and Trey and wondered whether they were nervous about the baby. If they were, Sierra was putting up a brave front. “You really think so?”

“I’ve been around enough expectant parents to know it for certain. Josh and I were partners when the twins were born and he was a basket case.”

She found it hard to imagine a man like Josh, so calm and collected, would be afraid of anything. “But he’s such a great dad.”

“He’s the best, but he had a lot to learn. He and Ashley had a rough time of it in the beginning.”

“Speaking of Ashley, I get the feeling she would love nothing more than to put her family back together again.”

Derek frowned. “What gave you that idea?”

“I overheard a conversation between them and she told Josh he was the only man she’d ever loved.”

Derek gripped the steering wheel and made a quick lane change to avoid missing their exit. “I get the impression you’re the only woman Josh wants, so if Ashley is harboring any hopes of putting her marriage back together after all these years, she’s going to be disappointed.”

She sighed. “I hope you’re right.” She hated feeling so insecure about their relationship, but at this point, she had no idea where she stood with Josh. “What can you tell me about Ashley? What were they like as a couple?”

Derek stared straight ahead, his jaw clenched. “Well, you know they were college sweethearts. Married right after graduation and she got pregnant a year after that. It all happened pretty quickly.”

“I think Josh mentioned that you went to college with him and Trey. You must have known Ashley back then, right?”

“Ashley and I dated before she and Josh got together.”

She whistled quietly. “That must have been awkward.”

He shrugged. “We had already broken up at the time. I was dating someone else.”

“Still, wasn’t it weird, one of your friends dating your ex-girlfriend?”

He scanned a disc until he found the song he wanted to hear. “I gave them my blessing.”

“Is that because you thought they would be happy together?”

He laughed. “Hell no, I was angry and bitter about the break-up. She dumped me; I was drinking and partying too much. That was the reason she dumped me. I told Josh to go for it because I was too drunk to know what I was saying. I never would have imagined they’d get married and have a couple of kids.”

She looked over at him, sensing a change in his mood. “It sounds like you’re still upset about the way things turned out?”

“Nah, I got over it. Josh and I were partners in the early days and we worked through all that old shit. We became even closer than we were back in college, until...”

He looked as though he wished he hadn’t said so much. “Until what? What happened?”

“I got transferred to Arkansas. Better job, more money. It was a no-brainer. I didn’t want to be a beat cop all my life.”

“You must have known my sister too, right?”

He nodded. “Yeah, we all hung out, partied together back in the day. Sierra’s a great girl. Too bad she only had eyes for Trey back then.”

Lexi laughed. “Still does. I’ve never seen two people more in love than those two.”

His cell phone vibrated and he glanced at the screen. “That was always the case. Those two definitely belong together. I’m glad they worked things out.” He pulled his phone out of the cup holder when they came to a stop at a traffic light. “Josh has been texting and calling me every five minutes. I texted him back and told him everything was fine, but I wasn’t sure how much you wanted him to know.”