False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (7 page)

“What
now?” I asked. “Does fuck-face need his gun cleaned again?”

Cade
sighed and stared at me. “Just come inside and get warm. I have more clothes
and an extra pair of shoes for you.” He looked back over his shoulder before
continuing. Close to my ear he whispered, “I’m getting you out of here.  I’m
done. I can’t be a part of this anymore, not with you. I’m sorry, Ellia, for
all of this. I shouldn’t have agreed to any of it, but I honestly believed I
was doing the right thing. Now … not so much. I won’t watch you suffer any
longer.”

I
didn’t respond because I didn’t know how. I wanted the hell out of there, but I
wasn’t sure I could trust Cade, either. Maybe it was all a new twist to his
mind games. “Tell me why you are doing this. Is your career that important to
you? Have you hurt other people to advance yourself? That’s not the Cade I used
to know. You always stood up for what was right, and now—now you can’t be
trusted. You’re a liar and a scumbag.”

He
looked genuinely wounded by the words, but I didn’t care, it was true. “I don’t
blame you for feeling that way. I have reasons for all of my actions, but I
can’t explain things to you at this time. Gordon is watching us from the
window. Please, Ellia, trust me just enough, for now. I am getting you out of
here tonight. That’s all you need to believe.” We reached the door and Cade
held his finger to my lips. I nodded, and we went inside the cabin.

“I
guess you are lucky my partner here is such a bleeding-heart pussy. I’d leave
your ass out there to frost bite, personally,” said Gordon.

“There
are clothes in the bathroom for you. You can shower again if you want to warm
up,” said Cade, motioning toward the powder room. His tone was flat and cold
again, like a switch had flipped inside of him.
Who the hell are you, Cade?
What happened to you?
The questions haunted me, and I hoped to someday at
least understand his motives.  He was one hell of a great actor, making me
wonder what had ever been real between us. My entire memory felt like a
colossal lie.  I headed for the shower but Gordon stopped me.

“Hold
up, little girl. Take off those wet clothes so pussy-boy can dry them for you.
You never know when you might need them again,” he grinned and winked.

“I
will when you get out and leave me alone,” I stated flatly. I tried to walk
around him, but he grabbed my arm.

“Do
what I said, or I will do it for you.” He snatched the front of my sweatshirt,
getting a handful of breast with it.

I
stepped back from him. “Keep your filthy, perverted hands off of me, you
fucking pig!” I yelled, knowing it was a mistake before it even flew out of my
mouth. Gordon struck with his fist. I tried to duck, but he caught me in the
temple. I fell down, the room spinning. He was on top of me in an instant,
ripping at my saturated attire.

“I
will show you perverted, bitch,” he said, groping me. He stopped when he heard
the hammer cock. He turned to look at Cade who held a pistol to the man’s head.

“Get
off of her mother fucker, or I will kill you,” Cade spoke the words calmly, as
if this were an everyday event, it sent shivers through me.

“What
the fuck are you doin’, kid?” asked Gordon, getting up on his knees.

“Shut
the door and change, Ellia ... now,” ordered Cade. Not hesitating, I crawled away
from Gordon. I got to my feet, shaky and dizzy. Cade had laid dry clothing out
for me, and I wondered where he had gotten them. Had he left me at some point
to go buy things for me? A wave of anger boiled inside me, thinking he would
leave me alone with Gordon. I changed into a fresh sweatshirt and jeans,
identical to the ones that lay sodden on the floor.
Maybe he’d come upon a
buy one get one deal
, I thought to myself, which might have been amusing if
not for the circumstances.

I
listened at the door but could only catch the low murmuring of their voices.
When I opened it a crack, I could see that Gordon was sitting on the couch, and
Cade was leaning on the frame of the front door, gun still in hand but pointed
at the floor.

“I
told you, Gordon, I wouldn’t stand for it. I warned you. She has a purpose to us;
she is not here for your personal entertainment. You need to know where to draw
the line.  Do you think Meyers is going to cooperate if you’ve already damaged
or killed his daughter? Are you so fucking sick you can’t control yourself?”

“I
don’t see the harm in having a little fun while we got her here, that’s all. So
what if we fuck her? That ain’t gonna kill her.  You wanna pass up a good piece
of ass like that? You gay, boy?” asked Gordon.

Cade
sighed and shifted his weight. Gordon tried his patience. He licked his lips
and pointed the gun at Camo-man. “Leave her alone. I am not telling you again.
I will put a bullet in your cranium if you touch her again.”

Gordon
chuckled, and that scared me. He didn’t seem to take Cade’s threat seriously. “You
don’t think Dacks would have your ass taken out if you did anything to me. Who
the hell you think you’re dealin’ with here?  Fuck off, kid. You ain’t got the
balls to pull the trigger, anyway. I ain’t seen you do much since you been with
us, except coddle that whore like the little bitch you are.  If nothing else,
you’ve proven yourself worthless to Dacks.” He got up off the couch and headed
to the bathroom. I tried to slam the door and use my body to hold it shut, but
he pushed it in like I was a paper doll. He shoved me backward into the small,
three-foot shower and stuck his hand up me sweatshirt. Cade was on him in an
instant, and the two tumbled back out into the living space.

 Terrified,
I stayed huddled, hoping to avoid the fray. Then I realized I had another
opportunity. I didn’t trust Cade, only myself, and now was the perfect chance
to escape again.  I exited the bathroom, and the two men were still fighting. Cade’s
gun had been knocked from his hand and lay near the sofa. I snatched it up and
debated killing Gordon. The fear of accidentally killing Cade kept me from
pulling the trigger. Maybe he deserved to die as much a Gordon, I wasn’t sure
anymore, but it wouldn’t be by my hand if I could help it.

 I
kicked the gun near Cade, hoping he would get it and not Gordon, but I wasn’t
going to stick around to see how it played out. I grabbed the van keys off the
table and ran towards the door.

Gordon
saw me, as did Cade, but he held Gordon down, letting me escape instead of
running after me. I heard the gunshot just before I put the van in gear. My
heart did a flip in its chest, worried it was Cade who took the bullet, but I
didn’t hesitate for a second. I sped away from the cabin, nearly tipping the
van on the first curve as dust trails flew up behind me like a sand storm.
Whatever happened back in that house didn’t matter. I’d grieved Cade once,
there was no need to do it again.

The
series of twists and turns in the seasonal road had my bearings completely off
kilter. Darkness had rolled in, and I worried I might accidentally circle back to
the cabin. Anxious sweated dripped off of me as I kept pushing the van to its
limits.  Relief settled when I came to a black-top road, knowing it had to lead
to civilization. The street seemed endless in the dim headlights as fear gnawed
at me. I imagined that Gordon would catch up with me, but no lights ever appeared
in the rearview mirror.  After a short while driving on pavement, I realized
where I was. Lost for nearly two hours on the trails, I was shocked to realize
I’d been on the outskirts of town the whole time. Directional sense had never
been my forte.

Three
hours later, after speaking to the sheriff’s department and the State Police,
and having a hundred pictures taken of my injuries at the hospital, they
allowed me to make calls.  The police wouldn’t offer me any protection until they
investigated my claims, but they advised me not to stay at my place, either.  I
wanted to scream,
duh,
but refrained.  

A
part of me still wanted to protect Cade, though. If he was alive, I didn’t want
to reveal his cover. I didn’t mention the FBI or Cade’s real name. I didn’t
tell them I knew the man named Donny or that we had history together.  The
story of our past stayed locked inside me. I wasn’t sure what to believe with
Cade, but I’d let the police decipher it for themselves.

After
having called my mother and brother, both phones going straight to voicemail, sending
me into panic mode, I phoned Matt. He picked me up at the hospital, where they
deemed me physically fit enough for release.

When
I saw his blonde hair come through the door, wearing his concern in the furrow
of his brow, I erupted into sobs and buried my face in his softness and wept.
So many emotions collided inside of me all at once.

“Shh,
baby,” he said, stroking my head. “God, I was so worried about you.” He pulled
back and looked at me. “Jesus, Ellia, what happened to you? Who took you? What
the hell happened? Why were you jogging alone? You know how I feel about that.”

“I’m
okay. They just smacked me around a little, and I’ll explain later. Right now,
I need to go somewhere safe. The police are giving us an escort to my place so
I can pick up some things, but they won’t assign an officer to keep watch
beyond that until they determine if I am still in danger.”

“Are
you still in danger?” He searched my face for answers.

“Yes,
I am definitely still in danger. This wasn’t random, Matt. They targeted me
because of something my father has done.  Those men are looking for me. The
police just want to make sure they aren’t spending valuable resources on a
crazy woman with a big imagination. The allegations against my dad are serious,
and you know cops; they protect each other. It’s not safe for you to stay with
me, either. I will go to a hotel and hope the security is tight.” The thought
of being on my own again was utterly terrifying.

“Ellia,
there is no way I am letting you stay alone. Come on, let’s go.”

 I
wanted to argue, I truly did, but I was exhausted and overwhelmed. His arms
around me gave me more comfort than I could’ve imagined possible.

We
discovered my house had been ransacked, leaving my belongings upturned and
broken. The officer called for an investigative team, and after two more hours,
I was finally able to gather up a light bag. I located my purse and found its
contents strewn about the dining room table. No money or credit cards were
taken, indicating to the police, robbery was not the motive. The only thing missing
was my cell phone, which lent weight to my story since the goal was to find my
dad. 

Dizzy
and ready to collapse as my blood sugar plummeted. The cops set up a room for
us at a motel, finally taking my situation more seriously and putting a guard
on us. We made a brief stop at Matt’s place to pick up his clothes. I relayed
an abbreviated version of my saga on the way to the motel. The place was a
run-down little brick building with a flat roof that sat on the edge of town,
almost in neighborhood, but it offered apartment-style accommodations so we
wouldn’t have to venture out for much. I always thought it was an odd place for
a motel, not close to the main thoroughfare like the others, but it filled up
during the summer, due to its location on the shore of Lake Michigan.

Guilt
sat heavy on my shoulders for not telling Matt about Cade. I was still too
afraid to share that piece of information, even with him. Although I’d told
Matt I lost a boy I loved very much when I was young, I never gave him any
details of that either. He had no idea what Cade meant to me, or the mess I’d
found myself after he died. I got sick, mentally and physically which led to a
lot of illicit behavior and addiction. It was another aspect of my life I
refused to think about or talk about with anyone. I was so ashamed of the
person I became after Cade’s death. My way of coping with the unpleasantness,
was to push it down deep inside me and never bring it up for review or
reflection. Matt knew my commitment issues stemmed from something painful, but
he didn’t push me to expose the root, and for that I was grateful. Even after a
decade, I could not face those things. The only way I made it through every
day, was just to focus on the present and the future, letting the past sit
behind a dark shroud.

“You
don’t look so good, Ellia,” said Matt. “Do you need to go back to the hospital?
Please tell me the truth, baby. I don’t have any idea what to do here.”

The
tears fell again. “No, I’m just … exhausted.” It was true. I was completely
drained in every sense. I wanted to sleep so my mind would quiet.

Matt
got me two ibuprofen and tucked me into the queen bed that sat in a small room
off the kitchenette. “First thing in the morning, you are going to a doctor if
you don’t look any better.” He touched his lips to my forehead. “Get some rest,
babe. I am here and so is that cop outside in his car. I won’t let those
bastards hurt you ever again.” He got up, but I pulled him down on the bed with
me.

“Please
hold me, Matt,” I begged. I scooted over, and he crawled in next to me. I could
sense the tension in him. He was scared and fraught with a million more
questions. Matt was the most patient, gentle man I had ever known, and he would
take of me.

“I
Love you, Ellia,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head. “You are my
everything.”

“I
love you, too,” I said, and it was true. I loved him but not the way he loved
me. Guilt and sadness for not being what he deserved, weighed heavy on my
heart.

Despite
my fatigue, sleep eluded me, but I pretended for Matt’s benefit.  I figured he
was too wired to sleep, and I didn’t want him to feel obligated to stay next to
me. He quietly got up and left the room, closing the door behind him.  I stared
at the ceiling and reminisced about the early days with Cade.

***

A
month after Cade moved to our high school, I broke up with Will. Cade asked me
out an hour later, and we were inseparable after that. He become my sole focus.
Looking back, I was borderline obsessed with him, probably not the healthiest
relationship for a high school girl.

Will
didn’t take the break up well. He was hostile towards Cade, knowing he was the
reason, even though I tried to downplay the truth. Will tried to keep me from
leaving by making accusations and false claims about Cade, but I had spent more
time with him than he was even aware. I was confident I had a good grasp of the
real Cade Cantrell.

“Why
would you want to be with someone like that? He isn’t going anywhere in life,
Ellia, geez.  He’s a total loser with a criminal family. I thought you were
smarter than all those other girls who swoon over him. He believes he’s gonna
be a rock star or something. You stupid chicks fawn on him like he’s actually
going to be famous. It is so pathetic. He flirts with every skirt in this
school. Why would you throw away what we have to run around with a man-whore
who is going to end up leaving you when he gets what he wants?” asked Will, his
voice taking on a whine that irritated me.

I
sighed and perched myself on the edge of Will’s bed. We sat surrounded by all
his Star Wars memorabilia, and I was glad I’d never have to see all that junk
again. “He is not a man-whore, Will. He can’t help it if girls flirt with him.
Cade is nice looking and smart, of course girls will chase him, but I haven’t
seen him return their favors at all.”

“That’s
because he’s holding out for you. Everyone in our school knows you are still a
virgin. Don’t you think he knows that, too? He wants to make you his conquest. After
he gets you to sleep with him, he will leave you. There is no other reason for
his interest in you. What could you even have in common with him?”

I
wasn’t sure if he was cutting me down, so I ignored his remark, refusing to
give it weight. “You never gave him a chance. All this judgement is based on
your jealousy, and it’s not very attractive, I might add. I am friends with
Cade, and you could’ve been too if you weren’t so caught up in being an
asshole.”

“So
that’s it? You really are breaking up with me for him?” asked Will again,
getting off the bed and pacing past his Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker
figurines.

“Cade
has never asked me out … at least not yet. I haven’t cheated on you, and he
would never disrespect you that way. I like him, I admit it, and I hope he
likes me. We haven’t discussed what happens next, though. As you are already aware,
we spent a lot of time together doing that physics project, but he never made a
move on me. We got familiar with each other and became friends. I am the one
who has developed feelings beyond friendship, and I have no idea whether he
reciprocates or not. Will, I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t want
to lie to you either,” I said.

“What
did I do wrong? Wasn’t I always good to you?” he asked, fighting back tears.
“You told me you loved me. Was that a lie? Did I ever mean anything to you, or
was I just a replacement for your asshole parents?”

He
had nailed it perfectly. My dad was nowhere around, and my mom worked all the
time. We were not close and mostly at odds. Sam, my brother, and I, were like
strangers. I had no one--no one but Will, Ash, and Maria. “I do care about you,
but not the same way you care about me. I’m sorry. We probably should’ve broken
up a long time ago, but I was selfish and didn’t want to let go. I was afraid
to be alone. Honestly, I really believe that once we went away to college, this
would’ve ended, anyway. Long distance relationships never work. This break-up
is sooner rather than later, but it was always inevitable. I still want to be friends.
Is that an option?”

“How
can I be your friend if you are with him? I don’t see that happening. Not
wanting to be in a long distance relationship is bullshit. If it worried you, you
sure as hell wouldn’t be striking up a new relationship with him. You’re
nothing but a cold-hearted bitch, Ellia.” He was quiet for a few minutes. “You
should go. There isn’t really anything else to say, I guess.”

I
touched his arm, “I am sorry, Will, I hate hurting you.”

“Whatever,”
he said, walking past me and opening his door for me, making it clear he was
done talking. I left his house and jogged home, a mixture of relief and sadness
on my heart.

Cade
called me an hour later, and I told him what happened. It took him about thirty
seconds to, officially, ask me out, and I accepted. I was a moth to his flame,
but, back then, I didn’t realize how painful the burn would be.

***

Dreamless
sleep finally rescued me from my memories until hours later I heard a crash
outside the bedroom. I instinctively reached for Matt, but he wasn’t there. He
had not come to bed yet.  Fear seized me as I slid my feet quietly to the
carpet. Adrenaline coursed through my veins.
Calm down, Ellia, he probably
dropped a glass.
The hair stood up on the back of my neck, and my gut told me
it was more than a shattered tumbler. My head throbbed, keeping time with my
body aches as I inched to the entrance and opened it a crack to listen. No
sound erupted, and I thought maybe I was having a hallucination or it had all
been the remnant of a dream.

I
opened the door a sliver further and Matt came into view. He was looking at
something, or someone, with his hands slightly raised as if to show he wasn’t
armed. I heard him say, “You don’t have to do this,” just before a bullet tore
through his head, the sound muffled by a silencer. I watched the back of Matt’s
skull explode against the living room wall and ooze into a macabre piece of
artwork. I screamed, “Oh my God!” involuntarily, and the masked perpetrator
turned towards me, my vocal response signaling my location. The man was not
Cade, I could tell by his build. If I didn’t react, I would die, too. I slammed
and locked the door as he beat at it. He’d break it down if I didn’t hurry and
work out a plan. I grabbed the bag I’d brought from home and climbed out the
window, thankful the motel was not a two story. I ran barefoot down the alley,
past the dumpsters and howling stray cats, not knowing where to go next. My
mind went spinning in a million directions, and my body wanted to shut down and
disconnect. It was late, and every business nearby was closed and dark. I
changed direction and headed into the neighborhood. I pounded madly on the
first door I came to, and an old woman opened it a crack, her watery, old eye appearing
just beneath a chain lock.