False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (4 page)

“Why?”
The word hung there between us as the sobs burst from me. “Why are you … How
are you … alive? What happened?  Why did you leave me? How could you do that to
me? How could you, Cade?” I lost control of my speech as the emotions rocked
me. He stepped near me, and my hand rose with a life of its own as I slapped
him hard across the face, the sting on my palm centering me enough to hurl the
accusations that overshadowed any happiness I might have felt for his being
alive. “Why would you be so cruel to me? I loved you. Your death nearly killed
me. Did you ever care for me at all?” I spit the angry, grief filled words into
the air like a bad taste. I began to hyperventilate as the pain broke through
the fury.

Cade
grabbed me and pulled me into an embrace I didn’t want. I struggled against
him, kicking and flailing, but he held me tight. “I didn’t leave you, by
choice, Ellia. I did love you. There isn’t time for explanations right now. I need
to protect you, but I have a job to do. I promise, when this over, I will tell
you everything.”

“Why
are you with these men, Cade? When did you become a criminal? How could you do
that? What about your music? What about us? What about who you were? What about
college, and getting married, and having a life together?” I understood he
didn’t want to dredge it up in that moment, but how could he expect me not to
ask questions? Hot, angry tears, soaked his T-shirt as he kept me pressed to
him. He refused to let go of me despite my effort to break free. When he pushed
my face harder into his shoulder, I finally realized it was to muffle the sound,
not to comfort me. This version of the boy I used to know, didn’t give a shit
about my pain. I tried to kick him in the groin, but he blocked me. He loosened
his grip just enough to look me in the eye with a hard snap to my shoulders.

“Stop,
Ellia, I don’t have time for this shit, not nearly enough to explain everything
to you. Calm down and be quiet, right now!” He growled the words between
clenched teeth while his fingers dug into my upper arms. I complied and settled
myself, not trusting what he might do if I did not obey.

“Listen,
I am not the bad guy, okay? I’m an undercover agent with the FBI, and I’ve
worked my ass off on this case. I have a choice, here, extract you now and blow
my cover, or let it play out a little longer. My job is to gather enough
evidence to nail Dacks and his bosses. You don’t understand how big this
situation is, Ellia, but it goes well beyond that fat piece of shit and his
psycho attack dog, Gordon. It’s much bigger than your dad, too. Unfortunately
for you, he is the star of this show right at the moment. Dacks wasn’t lying
when he said your father was a dirty cop, but I can’t explain it right now—no
time. Tell me what you want me to do. Can you hang on longer? My people are
working hard to find your father, and when they do, this will all be over for
you. If you can’t, or won’t, continue I’ll take you out of here right this
second. I promise you, Ellia, Gordon will pay for every hurt he has laid upon
you. You’ll never realize how sorry I am for having to play along and hit you.
I knocked you out on purpose, to put an end to the beating, but god I hated
putting my hands on you that way. They’ll kill me without a second thought if
they suspect anything.  I haven’t been with their organization long enough to
have much pull or trust. You need to understand, I am a different person than
the one you used to know when we were kids, but I swear you can trust me. I would
never hurt you by choice … ever, but I can’t protect you if I am dead.”

My
mind was still swirling with emotions, and amidst it all, relief he was alive,
surfaced above all the rest, and I threw my arms around him.  “I can’t believe
you are alive, Cade. I just can’t believe it.”  The memories and feelings of
the past battled with the fury I felt for what he had done to me.

He
gently pushed me away from him, not returning the embrace. “I promise I will
tell you everything, Ellia, but I need an answer from you right now--right this
minute. Gordon will be back at any second. I hate that shit had to go down this
way. I wanted to tell you under different circumstances, but in this moment,
you have to tell me what to do.”

“I
don’t know what to say, my head is spinning. There is so much information to
grasp, I don’t know where to begin. I have so damn many questions …” He shifted
his weight and released my shoulders while expelling an agitated sigh. He
didn’t want to deal with the past, he just wanted me to answer him. I felt
defeated and conflicted, but in the end, my residual love for him won. “If it’s
what you want … If it’s what you think I should do, then I will.  I don’t
understand the reasons, and I don’t understand you; but if it’s what you want,
then I will do it. I owe you that much.” He never realized how much I blamed
myself for the bullets he took.

“Owe
me?  Why would you owe me anything?”

Gordon
yelled for Donny before I could tell him what I meant.  “I have to go.” He
grabbed my arm as he leaned down to my face, almost nose to nose, to reiterate
his point. “Do not blow my cover, Ellia, both of our lives depend on it now.”
He put the ski mask back over his face. “Hang tough a little longer. The
greater good will be worth it, I promise.”

He
exited the shed, locking the door behind him. I lay back down on the blanket
and cried until my insides were empty. I’d wasted years grieving for a boy who
was never dead; a boy who chose to rip out my heart and take it with him into the
world, leaving me alone and hollow. The pain had driven me into a hole of
despair that nearly cost me my life.  I thought of Matt who had tried to love
the shell of a person Cade had left in his wake. Matt deserved better than what
I had given him. Turned out, it was all for nothing. The torment I’d wallowed
in for so long was nothing more than a sham. The joke was all on me. I hoped
Gordon would kill me. I didn’t know how I could survive the revelation and all
it had cost me.

I
cried all night, not finding relief from the lamenting until a sliver of
daylight snuck under the door. The cold Michigan air numbed my limbs, but anger
burned hot inside of me. I was hungry and in desperate need of a shower, my jogging
clothes dirty and bloody, and my hair matted and caked with the remnants of
abuse. I didn’t consume the food Cade brought for me, despite my resurgence of
an appetite. Too distressed to eat, I would puke if I tried. My stomach seemed
to be on a direct line with my emotions, and my lack of weight often reflected
what I was feeling. Trapped in a small space smelling my vomit for days was
unacceptable. I had already urinated in the corner, once, but luckily it had
been such a scant amount, the odor had been undetectable. The thought of having
to shit in the shed, also kept me from eating. I would die like a human versus
live as an animal.

The
sun had been up less than an hour when Gordon came to fetch me. He, again, pushed
me along until we got inside the cabin. This time I didn’t trip, sparing myself
a punch or a kick. The aroma of something delicious hit my olfactory senses the
minute I stepped across the threshold.  My stomach growled audibly. Logically,
I knew I should eat and drink; I couldn’t survive on sheer will alone. If Cade
held true to his word, I wasn’t going to die, just suffer a little.
How
could he let me suffer at all?
I pushed the question away, knowing the
answer. He didn’t care for me the way I had for him. I could never hurt him in
all the ways he had hurt me. I decided to eat the food if they offered me any. My
innards had settled, and if there ever was a chance for escape, I wouldn’t make
it if I didn’t have the strength to run. Shit in the shed or not, I needed to
be strong.

Cade’s
back faced us when we entered. He’d removed the ski mask, no longer needing to
hide his identity. He’d already laid bare the truth, and it hit me again when I
saw his broad shoulders and narrow waist tending to something on the stove. His
hair was dark and cut short. The spiked bleached tips were left in his youth. This
man looked dangerous—he was dangerous--he’d proven it to me. He played his part
well as an uncover agent. 
If he really even works for the FBI
.  The
doubts grew inside me. Nothing about his tattooed, hard-ass demeanor screamed
he was working with the good guys. Tears sprang to my eyes again, but I held
back, knowing I had to pretend not to know him.
You don’t need to pretend …
You don’t know him. You never did.

 Gordon
pushed me down in the usual chair. “You will eat today, or I will shove the
food down your fucking throat; your choice, little girl.” He walked to the
stove and Cade handed him a plate. He did not make eye contact with me, and it
squeezed my heart. Gordon slammed the dish down in front of me, sending pieces
of egg sprawling across the marred wooden table. “Eat it. Now!”

I
stared at him defiantly, the anger still so sharp inside of me, I wanted to
fight. Common sense prevailed, and I picked up the fork and took a bite. The
scrambled eggs were seasoned and tasted like heaven on my tongue.

Cade,
or Donny, as I needed to remember, brought me a cup of coffee and a glass of
milk. He set a bowl of clumpy sugar in front of me. I still enjoyed my coffee white
and sweet, and somehow he knew that. I averted my eyes, worried Gordon would
see something on my face.  Both men flanked me in silence as we stared at our
breakfast plates.

Half
way through the meal, Gordon spoke again. “Donny-boy got you some clothes. You
can clean yourself up after you eat. You stink. Personally, I like it a little
dirty,” he said and cackled. 

I
made no response and continued with my meal. Cade also remained quiet.  When
finished, Gordon pushed me into a tiny bathroom and threw a plastic grocery bag
at me. “You’ve got ten minutes so wash up and get out of there.” 

I
perused the space and discovered the lavatory window was so small not even a young
child could crawl through it. I sighed, disheartened, knowing I had to re-visit
my original plan of escape. The hot shower created steam on the mirror as I
shed my jogging clothes and got into the stall.  I assessed my bruises while
washing my body, wincing as the water burned like acid on my cuts. Once
finished, I dressed in the jeans, T-shirt, and heavy sweatshirt that Cade had
provided. I looked at my reflection. Those big brown eyes stared out amidst a
host of contusions and swollen features. My hair was a tangled web framing a
face I couldn’t bear to look at anymore.

I
thought back to high school when I’d first met Cade. Awkward seemed a fitting
word to describe myself, and though I had outgrown that self-image, I didn’t
understand what young Cade saw in me. I was always a little too thin, housing
big brown eyes in a narrow face. My hair, was a dark blonde, not the sun-kissed
flaxen I admired in other girls. I never saw one special thing in myself. Being
with Cade was what ultimately made me special.  I was the envy of all the
girls, back then, but Cade always made me feel like I was the most beautiful
girl in the world—the only girl for him. He boosted my self-esteem to great
heights which drew me to him even deeper. Losing him shattered me in every way
possible.  Tears I didn’t know I had left, dripped down into the rust-stained
porcelain sink.

“Are
you done, girlie?”  Gordon’s cruel voice hammered through the wooden door as
his fist beat on it. “I gave you five extra minutes so now I am coming in.” He
flung the door open, and I realized it wasn’t locked. Shivers rocked me,
knowing he could have come in with no warning.

“I’m
finished,” I said and faced him while drying my tears.

“I
see you are. Too bad.” The malice was ever present in his voice. He grabbed my
arm and shoved me back into the main living area. His manhandling was unnecessary
and for his own enjoyment, I wasn’t resisting. He was a psycho, and I hoped he
would spend the rest of his miserable life in prison.

Cade
was finishing the breakfast dishes; his black T-shirt hugging him--the way I
used to. I remembered the first day I met him. It was first period AP
Literature class in Mrs. Munson’s room.  I’d been reading
Crime and
Punishment
and looked up when I heard someone enter the room. Rumors about a new boy had
been flying about for days, and he had ended up in my first hour session. The
kid sauntered in like he owned the school, and I admired his confidence. The
initial thing I noticed was a glimpse of a tattoo peeking from beneath his
sleeve. Tattoos weren’t common in our small farming community, especially on
teenagers.  He wore hoop earrings, several sets, in both ears, also unheard of
for a straight male kid, leaving me to question his sexual orientation.  His wallet
was attached to a chain that hooked to a belt loop. Even though he was the most
handsome boy I’d ever seen in person, he looked like a gangster which equated
to white city trash. The fact that he’d just walked into my AP class was
puzzling. Losers didn’t take advanced placement classes. He had to either be lost
or smart, crushing all my preconceptions and stereo-typing. The latter proved
true.

 Mrs.
Munson sat him kitty corner to my desk and told the students to welcome Cade
Cantrell.  The whole scene was reminiscent of a cheesy teen flick. I watched
the interaction between the new boy and the teacher, expecting him to be rude
or a smart-ass. He fit the profile of a thug, but he was polite to Mrs. Munson and
seemed almost shy when she spoke to him. His words, looks, and actions
conflicted. The strange new guy fascinated me.  Shyness was something I related
to when I was young. I had two good friends, and even a boyfriend, but they
were my entire social circle.

 Distracted
by studying the new boy, I jumped when the bell rang. My book fell to the floor,
and in a total cliché act, Cade Cantrell stopped to pick it up for me. When he
smiled at me, my heart skipped twenty beats, and I knew we were destined for
something. I never imagined it would be something so tragic.

“Sit
on the couch,” instructed Gordon, bringing me back to the present. “I will let
you stay inside as long as you cooperate with me.” He gave me a crooked grin,
and I was afraid again. Cade turned around and looked at me, our eyes touching
briefly before I looked away. I’d told him I would play along, but now I wasn’t
sure I could do it. Conflicted emotions ran through my heart like children
playing tag.

Gordon
sat down beside me and put his hand on my thigh. Disgusted by the grime under
his fingernails, I cringed, as his other hand produced a gun. “You see this?”
he asked. I nodded as my heart did cartwheels, wondering if he would shoot me.
“I want you to suck on it,” he said.

He
squeezed my leg as he put the pistol barrel to my lips. “I want to watch you
suck my gun, girl. Open your mouth.” I looked over at Cade, who remained quiet
while watching the scene unfold, no longer meeting my gaze. Gordon released my
thigh and roughly grabbed my chin, spinning my head back around to face him.
“Why are you looking at him? He ain’t the boss here, little miss. Donny-boy
will do what I tell him to do. Won’t you, Donny?” he asked, looking at Cade,
who made no response beyond a nod of the head. “That’s right. See, little girl,
this is my show. Now act it out for me. I told you to suck my gun like it’s
your boyfriend’s cock.”  I was scared, really scared, and didn’t want to do it.
The act was degrading and disgusting, exactly the sort of thing guys like
Gordon got off on watching.

The
slap to my face reinforced I had no choice unless I preferred a ruthless beating,
or worse. He might make me suck something else.

“Put
it in your fucking mouth, right now, or I will knock every tooth in your pretty
little head out, one by one.” I knew he was serious, and I wasn’t sure if Cade
would stop him. What were a few teeth when a big career arrest was at stake? Being
nothing more to him than a pawn in his game, I couldn’t trust him, and I was
livid, knowing he had no problem letting this sick son-of-a-bitch violate me. I
would never forgive him for this or anything else he had done. I never would
have believed it possible to hate him, but I felt it pure and hot in that
moment. The anger fueled me.

“This
is how he likes it,” I said and proceeded to give a show that would rival a
porn star.  My eyes rested on Cade more than once as I performed the seductive
fellatio, as much for Cade’s benefit, as for Gordon’s.
Let that bastard see
what he threw away,
I thought. Gordon masturbated as I took the barrel down
my throat. Tears rolled down my face as I fought the emotion and the gag
reflex. When Gordon finished jacking-off, the goo from his poor-excuse-of-manhood
running down his T-shirt, I thrust the gun towards him.

“Did
you like that Gordon? Did you enjoy that, you sick fuck? How about you, Donny?
Did you get your rocks off, too?” Gordon was laughing at first, but then his
mood changed and he back-handed me on the side of the face. I’d done what he’d
told me to, so I wasn’t sure what warranted the assault. I fell back on the
couch, tasting blood and gun metal on my damaged lips.

“Don’t
sass, girl. Don’t speak unless I tell you to.” He was off the sofa, dragging me
to my feet once again. “I think you had enough comfort for one day.” He yanked
me along behind him, and I was sure he was taking me to the outbuilding to ease
any lingering sexual angst brought on by my award winning performance. But
instead, I found myself alone, locked in the cold, dark shed once again. Cade never
said a word during the event, nor did he make any attempt to stop Gordon’s
degradation of me. A hurricane of fury built inside of me. 
How could he claim
to have loved me and then watch some creep force me to do something so
disgusting?
Obviously, it might have been worse. Gordon could have forced
me give him a blow job, instead of the gray steel of his weapon, but that was
no excuse to let Cade slide on his actions.  Bile seeped into my throat, and
the need to vomit was consuming. I crawled to the door and retched directly in
front of it, where I hoped one of them would step in it. Served them both
right.  With an empty gullet and a deadened spirit, I lay down on the blanket,
thankful for the jeans and warm sweatshirt. My eyes stared into the darkness as
my mind thought about Cade again.

***   

When
Cade Cantrell handed me the book I’d dropped, all I said was thank-you before
hurrying on to my next class with a hammering heart. He was a damn good looking
kid, despite the display of tats and jewelry. His eyes were the most intriguing
color I’d ever seen. To my surprise, and secret delight, he was in all of my
classes except the last one, and in my lunch. He had to be smart to be carrying
the same course load. It was all college prep work. The enormous amount of homework
left little time for much else, and only a dedicated student would put
themselves through the stress.

During
lunch, he stepped into the hot food line behind me. I felt those captivating eyes
on me and was instantly self-conscious. I hoped my butt looked good in the
Hollister jeans Will’s last paycheck had purchased. Guilt hit me for such
thoughts. Will was my boyfriend, and I should only care about his opinion of my
ass.

After
we got our trays, filled with undefinable items the school passed off as food,
we entered the commons area. Kids crowded onto fold-up, picnic-style tables, and
Cade stopped at the entrance. I recognized that deer-in-the-headlights look as
he scanned the room to decide where to park himself. Understanding his uncertainties,
I approached him, my tray tilting, threatening to spill all over the asbestos
floor. The new boy reached out with deft precision and righted it.  I blushed,
feeling like a complete klutz for the second time.