False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (20 page)

“Your
confidence is misplaced. I never got through it, Cade, and that’s what you
don’t understand. I’ve been fucked up for a long time, and I am tired of just
plotting points on a timeline waiting for my miserable life to end. You told me
to stop thinking about the past, but the past is all I’ve ever had. It’s the
only point in my lifetime I was happy. When I thought you were dead, I wouldn’t
let myself re-live those memories, it hurt too much. Now I take them out and
hold them like precious gems every day because they are all I have. None of it matters
to you because you don’t care about what we were anymore, but it still means
everything to me.”

“I
never said it didn’t matter, or I didn’t care, Ellia. It’s just …” he didn’t
get to finish his sentence. Agent Mendiola walked in with another man. Cade let
go of my hand and stood up to face the agents.

“Agent
Cantrell, may I speak to you,” said the tall, handsome, Hispanic man. Cade
followed him out, and Agent Mendiola shut the door.

“Why
did you do that, Ellia?” she asked, and I was surprised she addressed me by my
first name instead of my last.

“Because
I’m totally fucked up, Agent Mendiola,” I said staring at the ceiling letting
the guilt swallow me.

“You
need to understand something, here. I am disclosing this information to you in
the hopes you will stop acting so foolish. Agent Cantrell wasn’t originally assigned
to your case. He had to threaten to resign and give up his entire career to
protect you. Our director relented, hoping he could handle it, but he couldn’t.
Whatever happened with you two as kids has jaded his ability to remain impartial
and detached. He wanted to continue at the safe house with you, but based on
your behavior he worried his presence was doing you more harm than good.  That’s
how I ended up apportioned to your sorry ass. The Bureau ordered him to take
another case, but he refused, preferring to stand guard on you outside the
building, day and night. He had to do it on his own time because they suspended
him for insubordination. The evening you left, he was patrolling the perimeter
as he did every night, but Dacks men came up from behind and hit him in the
head, rendering him unconscious. You are goddamn lucky they didn’t just shoot
him. You have no idea how narrow an escape you made. We had every agent out
looking for you, including Agent Cantrell, when your call came into us. We got
lucky again--you got lucky again--we were close enough to get to you before
they absconded with you. Agent Cantrell is most likely losing his job over
this, and it’s your fault. He was not supposed to be there. The Bureau removed
him from this case and gave him disciplinary leave. The director ordered him to
stay away from you. He has disobeyed countless orders for you, and his boss is
fed up with him.” She paused a moment, giving me time to absorb the
information.

“Agent
Cantrell joined this task force specifically to bring down the people involved
in killing his family. He set that life goal aside and made keeping you safe
his sole priority, yet you completely disregard his loyalty to you. Your
selfishness endangered us all. You have no idea what Cade has sacrificed for
you. He has lived his entire life in a giant shadow you created for him, and he
still can’t shake it. You are an ungrateful, egocentric bitch, and why he
bothers with you I will never comprehend. From here on out, you need to do what
we tell you to do and stop being such a narcissist. You need to protect Cade
the way he’s done for you. Do you understand?” she asked.

“Yes,
I understand. I am sorry, Agent Mendiola.” The words were real, I was contrite
for never looking outside my own mixed up emotions to consider anyone else.

She
nodded as Special Agent Rodriquez re-entered the room. “We are ready to move,”
he said. “The car is being brought around front.”  Agent Mendiola left, not
saying another word to me.

“Miss
Meyers, the doctor explained you have a mild concussion and whip lash, but you are
fit enough to be discharged. At this time, we need you to get dressed and
prepared to move. If you need help dressing; Agent Mendiola is nearby to aid
you,” he said.

“I
can do it, but where is Cade?” I asked.

“Agent
Cantrell is off duty, pending another disciplinary hearing. He will not be part
of your protection detail. We are moving in ten minutes.” He turned and walked
out the door.

I
was heartsick. Mendiola’s words stirred new emotions inside of me, and I needed
to talk to Cade. As if he heard my mental beckoning, he walked in the room.

“I
need you to come with me,” he said. “Don’t say anything.” He grabbed my purse,
and took my arm, dragging me to the door. “Just act naturally and walk down the
hall with me.” He led me to a bank of elevators, and we got inside one. He took
it down to the basement level, and we arrived outside at a loading dock. A
running Camaro awaited. “Get in the car.”

“What’s
going on here? Where is agent Roberts and Mendiola?” I asked, confused.

Cade
looked hurried and irritated. “Do you trust me, Ellia?”

I
was scared, and I didn’t trust him, so I refused to answer, but I got in the
car. Cade squealed the tires, and we exited the parking structure like a
rocket.  He sped through the streets, changing gears so fast, it jerked me
around, causing my head and neck to scream in protest. Once we were on the
highway, he continued his frantic speed, and we weaved in and out of traffic.
He headed south, and I wondered if he planned where we were going.

“What’s
going on, Cade?” I asked when the heavy stream of traffic forced him to slow
down to a legal limit.

“The
FBI can’t keep you safe, so we are on our own,” he said.

“What
do you mean? I thought they were taking me to another safe-house.”

“Dacks
knew where you were because he has someone inside the FBI. He drugged those
sleeping cops. They were not just being lazy and useless. Whoever tipped off
Dacks didn’t want bloodshed all over the news media so they planned a quiet,
covert way to abduct you. You circumvented their plan by running out as they headed
in to grab you.  We tracked you to the hotel, but so did Dacks. You’d checked
out by the time we got there. Thank God you called 911 and gave your location,
or we might not have found you. The thing is, Ellia, if they located you once,
they will again. I don’t trust anyone anymore—not with you,” he said.

“Why
Cade? Why are you doing this? You made it clear what we had between us is dead
and gone. Why are you risking your position with the FBI to do this? Why do I
matter to you?”

“Now
is not the time.”

“Please
Cade. I am trying so desperately to make sense of your need to protect me. We
might not get another chance to talk. I am begging you to tell me why you’ve
thrown your job away for me.” Silent tears rolled down my cheeks.

He
was quiet at first then spoke after a large exhale, like he’d been holding his
breath. “I know my death was difficult for you, because I have kept tabs on you
since I left you. It ripped my guts out to watch you grieve. Watching you cope
with drugs and alcohol about killed me, but I couldn’t help you. It made me
more determined to make your dad pay for all the scumbag things he’s done. What
you don’t seem to understand, is that I was grieving too. I tried to think of every
conceivable scenario that would allow us to be together, but the only one that
made sense was to remove the threat.  This bust hasn’t been an easy thing to accomplish,
and it has taken so much longer than I thought it ever would. I couldn’t go
back; I had to stick with my plan. When you recovered from the addiction and
got on with your life, you seemed content. I believed I could finally let you go
for good. You and Matt appeared to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted for you.”

He
sighed and ran his hand through his hair, a nervous gesture instead of an exasperated
one, this time. “You were right when you said I’m not the guy you used to know. 
I’ve had to do things that sicken me, in the name of my job, but I have always
told myself it was for a greater good. I haven’t written music or touched a
guitar since the night they shot me. I used to be so clear in my quest, but I
don’t know what I am doing anymore.” He paused a moment and looked over at me
as I watched his every facial expressions. “I still care about you, Ellia, but
I’m not the kid who loved you.  I’m getting through life as a machine for the
FBI while chasing my own vendetta; which makes me no better than the men who
started this mess.  Even though I knew you struggled after my death, I never actually
saw you, so I didn’t grasp the depth of your despair. Seeing first hand, not just
through the words of a third party, how much pain you are in, really drove home
what I did to you. My job didn’t seem as important as repaying a debt to you. Once
this case is over, and you are safe, I am done with the lying, the deception,
and the killing. Being a cop was never something I dreamed of being; I wanted
to play my music; that’s it. Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror
when I realize how far away I am from the man I wanted to be.”

Silence
sat between us for minutes because I didn’t know how respond to what he said. A
thought plagued me, though. “If those men had not drawn me into this, would you
have ever told me you were alive?”

He
rubbed his chin and glanced at me. “When I completed what I set out to do, I
planned to tell you if you were still single. If you had married and/or had
kids, I would’ve never come forward. If you were lucky enough to find happiness,
I refused to complicate or risk ruining that for you. More than anything, I
wanted to see you joyful again, and if that meant leaving you alone, then I
would give up my selfish desire to insinuate myself in your life again.”

I
was thankful for his honesty, but he needed to understand my truth. “It doesn’t
matter now, but I might have married Matt someday. Would I have been happy or joyful?
Maybe in snippets, but never to the core of my being.  You may have viewed my
grieving from the outside, but you didn’t sit inside my torture. Your death
damaged me irreparably, and I was incapable of loving Matt the way he deserved.
That fact alone brings me tremendous guilt. It’s unfixable because he’s dead. You
cannot imagine the weight of such culpability.  I left FBI custody because I
planned to kill myself, simple as that. I had no real plan, and honestly, my
thoughts were so jumbled with emotion, I couldn’t think straight. My life is
unbearable at times because I am all the things you said—weak-minded and
pathetic.  I’ve carried so much anger and sadness for so long, I am
spent—exhausted. Logically, I recognize none of this was ever your fault, and I
apologize for being so difficult and nasty to you. Never would I really wish
you were dead, and I regret those words terribly.  You don’t owe me anything,
so please don’t ruin your life for such a ridiculous notion. I’m not great at
coping, and I needed to direct my pain and resentment somewhere—it landed on
you, and I’m sorry. Sometimes I am just as selfish and cruel as my father,
which makes me hate myself even more.  I’m drowning in guilt and all the old wounds
are an anchor keeping me under the water, but it’s my problem, not yours. I’m
broken beyond repair, but that’s due to my own character flaws.”

He
reached over and took my hand. “You’ve had a difficult time, but it will be
over one day. What I want more than anything is for you to heal, and I’ll do
whatever I can to help you. I’m sorry I hurt you so profoundly, and I know the
words don’t fix anything; but I mean them. I’m also sorry about Matt. His death
wasn’t your fault, Ellia.  Your father’s sins are not yours to bear.”

“And
maybe bringing my dad to justice was never your burden, either.”

 He
didn’t respond, just let go of my hand and placed both of his on the steering
wheel. The small vulnerable glimpse I’d gotten of him was replaced by the stone
exterior that chilled me. We drove for hours as I dozed in and out of a painful
slumber. Well into the night, Cade stopped for coffee and brought me ibuprofen
for my discomfort. As I sipped the warm drink, my mind slipped back to the past
again.

“Well,
let me see it,” said my mother, waiting inside the door when I returned home
after my date with Cade. “I want to see how it looks on your finger.” I held out
my hand for her to examine it. “The ring is beautiful. Are you happy?”

“I
am ecstatic. How did you know?” I asked.

“Cade
came to me and requested permission to give you a promise ring. I helped him
pick it out at the jewelry store. At first, I admit, I was hesitant about the
idea; you are both so young, but he has proven his devotion to you, and I have
no doubt in my mind that he loves you, Ellia. Your commitment to be together
went beyond a lustful teenage infatuation, and that’s why I removed the ban and
agreed to the ring. I had to watch you two suffer under my command for weeks on
end, but you never complained or fought with me, making me realize I needed to
let you go.  I hope you are happy,” she said.

“You
cannot even imagine how elated I am. Life could not be any more perfect than it
is right now. We are in love, and we are going to college together, and then we
are going to get married and be together forever.” I hugged my mother. “Thank
you, Mom. I love you.”

“I
love you, too. Now off to bed,” she said. “You are not an adult yet so go get some
sleep.” She smiled and swatted me on the butt as I ran up the stairs.

In
bed, I lay thinking about Cade for hours while looking at my ring from all
angles. Goose bumps covered my skin when I replayed the evening in my mind. God,
how I loved that boy, and the thought of being his wife sent my heart racing. I
couldn’t wait for the day we could wake up in each other’s arms every morning.
Sleep found me with the smile still on my face.

Graduation
was upon us, and Cade was the official valedictorian. He agonized over his
speech until I gave him the idea to write it as a song; that always came easy
to him.  The band had fired their new lead singer, so Cade went back to Detroit
on the weekends to play with them. I stayed home, working my job and
concentrating on finals.  I was finally secure enough in our relationship to
let him have a little freedom without worrying myself sick he would find
someone else.  Cade always crashed at his drummer’s house. Scott was the most
responsible being twenty-two and married with a new baby. Trust or not, I was
glad he wasn’t staying with any of the single party boys, like Brax, who was on
the road to a serious addiction.

 I’d
talked to my dad just a few times that school year, but I never told him about Cade.
It was something I didn’t feel comfortable talking about with him. I figured he
wouldn’t care to hear about my love life, anyway. Cade had a bar gig planned
near my father’s home two weeks after graduation, so I made plans to visit him
since he’d already informed me he couldn’t make it to his only daughter’s big day.
I decided it might be a good time for him to meet my future fiancé.

The
morning of commencement, Cade was nervous. “You are such a weirdo,” I teased.
“You get in front of hundreds of people every weekend and shake your sexy,
little booty around, and talk to them like they are all your best friends; yet
you are worried about a little speech. What gives?”

He
laughed. “I know it sounds stupid, but I don’t know any of those people in the
audience when I play. This is different, and I want to say something inspiring
and memorable to my classmates.”

“I’ve
read your speech, and it is inspirational, so stop stressing.  If it makes you feel
better, then sing it to them. Take your guitar on stage and make it a song.
That would be a first and would be totally memorable,” I said, being serious.

“Hmm
…you might be on to something, Mrs. Cantrell,” he said jokingly. I loved it
when he called me that.

He
was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I pounced on him, rolling him over on
his back. “You will be amazing because you are always amazing, Mr. Cantrell.”

I
was the Salutatorian of my class, but not required to give a speech, so I sat
in my chair with my cap secured to my carefully coiffed hair, waiting for them to
introduce Cade. I couldn’t wait to see what he was going to do. As soon as he
was on stage, Mrs. Cash handed him his guitar, and I got butterflies. He said a
few words to prelude the song, and then he sang it. It was beautiful, and he
impressed me with his ability to create a musical score in such a short time.
He received a standing ovation, and I had never been prouder.

We
went to dinner with my family after the ceremony, but Maria and Ashley
convinced us to attend a graduation party later that night. Neither Cade nor I really
wanted to go, but we accepted the invitation, knowing it was probably the last time
we would hang out with our high school friends.

“Oh
my God, I can’t believe you actually came,” said Maria when she answered the
door. She was already well into the festive spirit and reeked of beer.  To my
surprise, Ashley was tipsy, too. I wondered when my innocent friend had taken up
drinking and felt a pang of guilt. I had pretty much dropped out of their world
when Cade had filled mine. It occurred to me I’d never even missed them, which
made me feel worse.

Cade
and I mingled, and we both accepted a Solo cup of beer. “What the hell,” I said
with a laugh. “We are graduates. Let’s just have fun with these people we’ll probably
never see again.” I guzzled the beer, so Cade did the same. I didn’t stop there,
though, and several cups in, I was laughing and dancing with my friends. Teenagers
packed the house, and the living room had turned into a sweaty, grinding sea of
drunken bodies trying to dance without falling.  I was having so much fun, I lost
track of Cade, but I hoped he was enjoying himself as much as I was.

Lonnie
Bench was there with Jimmy and they insinuated themselves into the group of us
dancing girls. A slow song came on and Lonnie pulled me into a dance. “I have always
wanted to dance with you, Ellia,” he said. “You are so damn fine.”

I
laughed at him. “And you, sir, are drunk.” 

“Not
that drunk. I mean it. I have wanted to go out with you since freshman year in I.T.
class, when you saved my ass on a stupid assignment. You were always with Will,
though, and now Cade. Nobody understands why you are with him. I get that he’s really
smart and all, but you know he’s probably just gonna end up a drug addicted
loser in a washed out band. That’s his thing right--his music? You could do much
better. I’m going to Concordia to play ball, we will both be in Ann Arbor. Maybe
we could hook up sometime?” he asked. He leaned in and kissed my neck. I
recoiled at once.

“Quit
it, Lonnie. I’m not interested.” I laughed at his boyish frown of contrition
and continued dancing with him, hoping to diffuse a developing situation.

When
the song ended, he grabbed my hand and pulled me from the fray. “Come on, I will
get you another drink.” I saw him nod at Jimmy, and they led me out the back
door.

“Where
are we going?” I giggled. “The keg is in the kitchen.”

“Well,
the good stuff isn’t,” he said and walked me to his car. He reached under his
seat and produced a bottle of whiskey. Lonnie poured a generous amount into
three red cups, and he took a long swig out of the container before passing the
fifth to Jimmy who capped it and tossed it back in the car. I took the cup and
smelled it.

“No
way, I am not drinking this; it smells awful,” I said handing it back to him.

“Come
on, Ellia, it’s our graduation. Let’s toast to getting the fuck out of this
town,” he said, pushing the cup towards me.

“Fine,”
I said, and held up my plastic tumbler to toast with Lonnie and Jimmy. I downed
the burning whiskey. “Ick! That tastes freakin’ awful.”

“Yeah,
it goes down rough but it will make you feel good,” retorted Jimmy. I watched
him wink at Lonnie and wondered what the joke was.

“Let’s
go back inside, Ellia, and dance some more.” Lonnie led me back, and we found a
rhythm on the floor again. By the time the next slow song rolled around, the
room was spinning in circles like a Disney tea cup. The sensation made me
queasy.

“I
don’t feel good,” I said to Lonnie. “I need to find Cade.”

“Come
on, you can lie down upstairs, and I will go get him for you.”

I
nodded, thinking the gesture kind, as he helped me up the steps. My balance was
off and the stairs seemed to have doubled. I was shit-faced. He took me into
what appeared to be someone’s master bedroom and laid me down on the bed. He
got on top of me, grinding his hips into mine while he shoved his tongue down
my throat.

“Don’t,”
I said, trying to push him off of me. “Stop it Lonnie,” I yelled, struggling
under his weight. Then my world went black.

The
next morning I woke up with my head pounding like I was beating it on a pile of
bricks. My room was around me and my pajamas were on my body; though I had no
idea how I’d gotten in them or how I managed to get home. Panic set in as I
remembered drinking an entire cup of whiskey after already being buzzed from
the beer. Tears filled my eyes as my last memory was of Lonnie Bench on top of
me. I got out of bed and searched for my phone. It was on the nightstand
charging like it was every morning. I called Cade at once. It went straight to
voice mail, but I didn’t leave a message. Uncertainty and fear gripped me, not
knowing what had happened. I went into the bathroom and found my clothes from
the night before in the hamper. Vomit stains covered the front of my shirt and
jeans. I ran down the stairs, tripping on the last one and falling on my knees.
Cade was asleep on the couch which gave me instant reassurance. His dead cell
lay on the coffee table.

I
could hear my mom in the kitchen so I stumbled into the room to face her
disappointment. “Well, look who is up,” she said. “Did you sleep okay?” She
smirked at me, and the tears burst out of me.

She
regarded me with concern, putting her hands on my shoulders. “Honey, I am not
happy you were drinking last night, but this is not the complete end of the
world.” I was shaking all over. “Ellia, what’s wrong?”

 “Mom,
I’m scared; I don’t remember anything. I have no idea what happened or how I got
home. What if he did something?”

“He
didn’t,” said Cade, behind me, his entire demeanor covered in anger under his
fat lip and swollen cheek. I wasn’t sure if the indignation was directed at me
or Lonnie.

“What
happened?” I asked with my heart pounding wildly, fearing the answer.

“You
got drunk, that’s what happened. You went up to a bedroom with Lonnie Bench,
and he tried to take advantage of your inebriation. I kicked his fucking ass--that
little prick. Don’t worry, he didn’t get far with you. You were fighting him
off of you when I found you. We needed to get out of there, but I’d had a
couple of beers and didn’t want to risk driving so I called your mom. She
picked us up from the party. Nothing happened, so don’t worry about it.”

“Jesus,
Cade, why didn’t you tell me all of this last night?” asked my mother, pulling
me into a protective embrace. “You said you tripped on the stairs and hit your
face on the railing. Why did you lie to me?”

“I
didn’t want to upset you, Mrs. Meyers, and I was afraid you would be mad at me
for not watching her close enough.”

I
freed myself from her and walked over to him, wrapping my arms around his waist
and resting my head on his chest. “Babe, I am so sorry. Can you please forgive
me? I swear I didn’t know what was happening. We had a toast with whiskey, and
I didn’t realize how drunk I was. Never would I have guessed Lonnie would …” I
sobbed into his shoulder, and he put his hand on my back, patting it before
stepping away from me.

“That
fucking prick is to blame.” He looked at my mother. “Sorry for the language.” 
She waved him off while he continued talking.  “I’m just glad my cousin
developed a conscience before it was too late. He came and told me you went
upstairs with that asshole. We should’ve never gone to that damn party, and we
shouldn’t have drank, either. Most of all, I should have kept you by my side.”

“We
need to call the police,” said my mother, slamming her fist on the counter.
“Who does that son-of-a-bitch think he is?”

“No,
Mom,” I begged. “I am so embarrassed. Can we please just forget it ever occurred?
I’m sure Lonnie was drunk too, and it’s over now. Cade says nothing really
happened. School is out, and I never have to see him again. Let’s just forget
it.” I looked at Cade. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” I examined his face.

“I’m
fine, it’s probably Lonnie you should worry about,” he said, laughing a little
but with no real humor.

“Thank
you, Cade, for watching over my girl.  You did the right thing in calling me. I
will leave it up to you what to do next, but I believe you should make sure he
doesn’t do this again. Think about what might have happened if Cade had not
been there, Ellia. What if he’s done this before but no one was there to help?
I won’t make the decision for you, but you need to consider other potential
victims besides yourself. Your own embarrassment is a small price to pay for
getting rid of a predator.”

“It
would be our word against his. I want to forget this, okay? It was stupid
teenage drinking stuff.” I felt culpable for the entire thing and had probably
given Lonnie the wrong idea. It seemed unfair to ruin his whole life over
something that didn’t get very far.