False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (22 page)

He
woke and kissed the top of my head. I looked up and saw my old Cade looking back
at me. He pulled me into him and we made love again; the urgency was gone. He
took things slow and easy, taking his time getting me to climax, and I wanted
to stay locked up with him forever.

Afterwards,
he gave me a long massage to ease my stiff muscles, and then we showered
together. We were on the road before lunchtime.

We
went shopping, and Cade purchased new clothes for me. He also bought two
disposable cell phones. “Just thought we should have these.”

“Who
is paying for all this?” I asked, once we were in the car and rolling down the
highway.

“I
am.”

“Thank
you, but I will pay you back,” I said. “Odds are I won’t have a house or a job
when I get home, but I will repay you when I can.”

“Ellia,
your installments are all being paid. Everything is being looked after until
you return. I don’t want you to worry or become overwhelmed. I promise it will
all be fine.” He took my hand in his.

“What
do you mean? Who is making payments for me?” He glanced at me, and I knew it
was him. The FBI was not paying for anything.

“You
don’t have to do that. It’s your money, and as I’ve said, you don’t owe me a
single thing.”

“My
father took out a large insurance policy on himself before he went to prison.  The
government seized all of his other assets, but he was thinking ahead. I was the
sole beneficiary after my father’s death. Over the years, I tried not to touch
it much, and I invested a good bit of it which proved lucrative. The FBI pays a
fair wage, and I own nothing except this car and my motorcycle. I can afford it,
Ellia. The money has just been sitting there unused for a long time. I want to
do this for you.” He reached over to squeeze my hand.

“I
am at your mercy so I won’t fight you on it, but I will pay you back when I can
whether you like or not.” He opened his mouth to protest, but I put my hand up
to stop him. “Say nothing—it’s the end of this discussion.” He smirked with a half
nod and kept quiet. Neither of us wanted to argue on the heels of such a
perfect night.

After
driving into the afternoon in soundless contemplation, I finally asked, “Do you
think my mom or Sam might still be alive?” I had not grieved either of them yet.

“You
know the likelihood is slim. I’m sorry,” he said.

“I
wish I had kept in better contact with him and my mom and visited more.  I
didn’t even go to my mom and Randy’s wedding. Randy died of a heart attack a few
years back, and I didn’t go to his funeral, either.  I couldn’t deal with my
mom’s happiness or her sadness. It’s too late to tell her I am sorry for being
a shitty daughter.” I cried for the millionth time but kept talking. “I should
have made an effort to be a sister to Sam. We never got along when we were
kids, and I dropped him from my life after I left for college. I don’t know how
I became such a heartless person—maybe I always was.”

“Ellia,”
began Cade. “Your mom understood, I’m sure of it. As for Sam, well
communication is a two way street. Cut yourself some slack.” He took my hand
again, comforting me as we drove into the day. With nothing else to do, I let
my mind return to the past again.

After
graduation night, I was rarely away from Cade’s side. We went to work, but always
met up afterward, and he often stayed over at my house, though slept on the
couch, per my mother’s rules.  We were excited for the upcoming weekend in
Detroit. He would finally meet my dad, who still wasn’t aware he existed. My father
would be home the first evening down there, and after that, he was leaving town
again, so we’d have the place to ourselves after that.

“Ready?”
Cade asked when I opened the door, his jeep running in the driveway.

“Yep,”
I replied, throwing my duffle bag over my shoulder, which he took from me and
carried out to the jeep himself. “My mom wanted me to give you this,” I said,
handing him a little silver angel.

“What’s
this for?” he asked, examining the angel. It was a visor clip.

“It’s
a travel angel to watch over you. She got one for my truck, too. They are
supposed to keep us safe while traveling--she worries.” I laughed and rolled my
eyes.

“It’s
cool. I like it,” he said, clipping the little angel to his visor. “I love your
mom, she’s awesome.”

“That
might be a little over the top, but she can be okay. Are you nervous about
meeting my dad?”

“Um,
yeah, that’s an understatement, especially since you haven’t even told him you
have a boyfriend. Clearly, I don’t make a good first impression, and to top it
off, he’s a cop. He won’t like me, Ellia, I can promise you that.”

“I
wish I could say it will all be good, but I can’t even guess what he might say.
He’s practically a stranger these days. He never met Will, either. In fact, I
don’t think I ever told dad about him, and we dated for three years. In the end,
I don’t really care what he thinks. We are only using him for access to his
house, anyway,” I laughed.

“You
are a bad girl,” said Cade, squeezing my hand. “One more thing I love about
you.” He winked at me and smiled.

It
was a warm day, so we stopped and took the top down on the jeep. We cranked the
music and sang over the din of the wind. It was a carefree time, so full of
possibilities.

When
we arrived at my dad’s cape cod, I retrieved the hidden key. We went inside to
find a note on the kitchen table.

Hey,
Kiddo, had to work late. Will try to catch up with you later, if not, enjoy the
house-----Love Dad

“Well,
doesn’t that just figure,” I said, tossing the memo back on the table. “Seriously?
The guy has not seen me in months, like since last summer, and he can’t even be
here this one time. He is such a fucking asshole.” Hurt and anger welled up in
me as I fought the urge to trash his house.  Cade came up behind me and wrapped
his arms around me.

“It
hurts your feelings; I can relate. My dad doesn’t want to see me either. It
sucks, and I’m sorry, babe.” He kissed the back of her neck, which never failed
to give me shivers. “There is a bright side.”

“What?”
I asked, but already guessed what he was thinking by the way his hands were
roaming.

We
were having so much fun defiling every room in my father’s house, Cade was
almost late for his band gig. We cleaned up and headed straight to the bar.
“Nice of you to show up, asshole,” said his drummer, teasing us. “I’d ask where
the fuck you were, but I can guess.” He looked me up and down, and I blushed,
causing them both to laugh at me. “Come on, let’s finish setting up this shit. Ellia
you can sit with my wife.” I nodded and followed them into the tavern, grabbing
equipment on the way.

“Amy,
this is Ellia,” Scott said, introducing us. “She’s Cade’s biggest distraction.”
He laughed and Amy smiled. “Keep her out of trouble will ya?” I figured he was
referring to my underage drinking from my previous trip to Detroit.

“It’s
nice to meet you, Ellia. Cade talks about you all the time. He is so cute, like
a little lost puppy without you, he’s a great kid. We enjoy having him stay
with us. The baby adores him, and he is so good with her. He has even gotten up
to feed her at night to give me a break. Scott usually comes home from gigs
half in the bag, so he is dead to the world. Be happy Cade’s a good boy and
doesn’t drink or do any of that stuff. The guys tease him, but he lets it roll
off his back.”

“He’s
the best,” I agreed.

“So
what do you think about the band going to Los Angeles? I am so stoked. I really
believe they will make it big out there. Are you going with Cade, or what is
your plan? I intend to stay here with the baby until Scott finds us a place to
live, after that we are heading out there,” she said. “It is so cool that
Cade’s ex still hooked him up despite the messy break up they went through.”

Her
words confused me. “I have no idea what you are talking about, Amy. Cade never
mentioned California. We are headed to college in a couple of months. And what
do you mean about his ex? What ex?” I asked. My face got hot as the anger built.

“Oh
shit.” Amy nervously squirmed in her chair. “I assumed he had told you. God, I
am so stupid. Please forget I mentioned anything. He can tell you himself.”

“He
is getting ready to go on stage so he can’t. Please tell me what is going on so
I don’t have to cause a fucking scene, okay?” I yelled, upset that Cade never
mentioned one word.

She
sighed and shook her head. “Fine.” She took a gulp of her beer. “Cade used to
date this Ivy League girl named Jenna. They were together about six months, I
guess, and her dad is part owner of a record company out in L.A. He scouted the
band when he was here in Detroit and wanted to sign them.  That’s when shit got
messed up for Cade, and he ended up in the sticks, no offense,” she said,
referring to our little northern town. “Anyway, the deal was pretty much dead
in the water, especially after Cade broke the girl’s heart. Well, she recently came
to a couple of gigs and got her dad interested in the band again. They have a
contract waiting for them if they move to California. This is the start of
something really big for these guys. Their talent will take them to the top.”

“And
Cade said he is going? For sure?” I asked, my heart beating like it would
explode.

“Again,
I assumed he wouldn’t pass up such an amazing opportunity. Basically, HE is the
deal, so it’s off if he doesn’t go. That would devastate the band. Cade writes
all the songs, and he is the heart of the group. The fact that they have failed
miserably with every other lead singer they’ve hired, proves it.”

I
was floored. He hadn’t dropped even a hint of this information.
He never
mentioned hanging out with his ex-girlfriend, either—isn’t that convenient?
I was so mad I wanted to smash something. I got up from the table and walked
out the back door to get some fresh air, hoping it would calm me down before I
did a regrettable act. It was dark and there was already a line of people
waiting to pay the cover and get inside the bar.  I wasn’t out there long
before Cade came looking for me. “Shouldn’t you be on stage?” I asked angrily,
turning my back to him.

“Amy
told me what she said to you.” He took me by the shoulders and made me look at
him. “I’m not going to California, but I haven’t had the heart to tell them yet.
I didn’t tell you because you’d want me to go and when I didn’t, you’d feel guilty,
thinking you ruined something for me. If I went; I know you would follow me,
making me responsible for ruining your plans.  You and I mapped our lives, and
that is the path I intend to take.”

“How
could you keep it from me? I am so hurt you didn’t share such major information
with me. Why didn’t you tell me you were talking to Jenna again? I share everything
with you, Cade, every single thing, but you always have secrets. Shit like this
makes me think I can’t trust you. It’s like you pick and choose what you decide
I need to hear, and you hide everything else. Not telling me is a lie by
omission, and that’s not fair.” The tears fell, and I hated that my anger
turned into a sloppy mess. “You said you want to marry me someday, but I can’t marry
you if I am always the last to know about everything in your life. I should be
the first.”

“I’m
sorry, babe, I didn’t want to upset you. The reason I didn’t tell you, was
because I never wanted you to feel you held me back from something. There will
be other opportunities, and I can wait for it. I don’t need my career wrapped
up with Jenna, either. If you are worried anything happened with her, don’t be.
I talked to her twice, and it was brief. What she did for the band, with her
dad, was her doing. I didn’t ask her for it, and I would never cheat on you. If
I had told you she was around, you’d have gotten clingy and jealous for no reason,”
he said, his face close to mine. “I love you, and my life is with you.”

“What
else haven’t you told me, Cade? I want to know everything you have hidden from
me. Why do you think I am that damn fragile? This is your last chance, so be
honest with me. We are done if you don’t tell me the truth,” I said, knowing
I’d never actually leave him but wanting to make sure I didn’t fall into anymore
hurtful revelations. He stepped back and looked at the ground. Contemplation
sat heavy on his face. “Tell me! I mean it, Cade, what else have you been
keeping from me?”

He
cleared his throat and raised his face to me as Scott poked his head out the
door. “Come on man, wrap it up, the peeps are getting restless.”

“A
few more minutes, play a fucking a solo or something,” said Cade crossly. Scott
gave him a wounded look and closed the exit. “Do you really want to hear this,
Ellia, because once I say it, I can’t take it back.”

“Yes,
tell me what you are hiding from me,” I pleaded, though fear consumed me, not sure
I was ready for what he might say.

“This
has nothing to do with the band and is very personal to you,” he said while
pacing in front of me. Tension built in me, waiting for him to come clean.

“Just
spit it out, for God’s sake.”

He
got close again so no one would hear him. “The night that Lonnie took you
upstairs at the party, I lied to you about what happened.” He sucked in a deep
breath and shut his eyes for a minute. When he opened them again, they brimmed
with tears.  “When I found you, he was … he was … you were … fuck!” he yelled
and turned away from me, his hands in fists, so angry the vein in his neck
popped out.

He
walked in a circle, running his fingers through his spikey hair before he got
close to my ear again and whispered. “You passed out Ellia, and he planned to
rape you. You were naked on the bed, spread out in full view, and his fingers
were already inside you as he was getting himself ready. I lost control of
myself and attacked him. It took everything I had not kill him. In the end, I
gave him a choice. He could live with a disability and forego his football
scholarship, or he could go to jail for the next twenty years. Lonnie chose a
disability over prison, so I crushed his knee and tossed him out the window. The
douche was so drunk he didn’t have a chance. I didn’t care if he died, Ellia; I
didn’t care if I took his life. The ambulance and police arrived just as your
mom came for us. Lonnie blamed his injuries on the fall, and no one but he and
I were the wiser. I never told you because I didn’t want you to have to live
with that. I will always protect you, Ellia, and I did what I had to do. Our
judicial system sucks and he might have gotten off because he didn’t actually rape
you. His intent would be hard to prove based on the state you were in that night.
I was glad he made the decision to let me hurt him. I made him pay the only way
I knew how.”

Tears
fell as I stared at him. I felt so repulsive and violated. My stomach roiled,
threatening to spill its contents.  Not only was I grappling with what Lonnie
had done, I had to wrap my head around my sweet, sensitive Cade, nearly killing
a kid and crippling him instead.

The
bass player, stuck his head out the door next. “Frickin’ come on man. Why do
you pull this drama shit every time this chick comes along? You have a fucking
job to do. Let’s go!”

“Fuck
off!” yelled Cade. “Bother me again, and you fuckers can kiss my ass, I will be
out of here.”

“That’s
just wrong man,” he said and slammed the door.

“Talk
to me, Ellia. You are scaring me.” Words eluded me, and I stared at him wide
eyed watching his tears land on his T-shirt. “I love you. Please forgive me.”

I
covered my face with my hands. Shame consumed me. “How can you stand to even
look at me? I am disgusting.”

“It
wasn’t your fault. You weren’t conscious, babe. It bothered me for a long time,
but not because of you. I admit, I was mad as hell you put yourself in that
situation, but I wasn’t angry at you for what he did. It didn’t change how I
feel about you. If anything, it changed how I felt about myself. I never
thought I was like my father, but the anger inside me was scary. I could have
killed him, and I wouldn’t have felt bad about it at all. What the hell kind of
monster does that make me?”

“How
could you pretend this didn’t happen? I had no idea you were carrying this
around with you. How could I not see it? Why did you keep something this important
from me?” I asked, going from hurt, appalled, and sad, to furious. “I need to
get out of here,” I said, walking away from him.