False Regret: Pikorua - Book 1 (15 page)

“I
am watching that,” I yelled, using the remote to turn on the flat screen. “You
bastards lied to me. Nobody really knows I am with you assholes. Now they think
I am a fucking criminal.” I wanted to smack Cade, and the look on face said he
wanted to return the strike. Pissed by my defiance as I turned the volume up
six more notches to annoy him, he ripped the power cord from the socket. “What
is your fucking problem, Agent Cantrell? You obviously have serious issues with
the truth, but I’d actually like to know it for once.”

“You
already know what the fuck is going on, Ellia,” he began. “Why re-hash it on TV
when the media doesn’t have a goddamn clue what is really happening. Are you
that naïve? Jesus Christ, what do you think we are doing here? We are trying to
save your life. Telling the world you are in FBI custody leaves room for
someone to come looking for you amongst us. It narrows down the search, and
these guys have very creative ways of finding the people they want.”

“Well,
I guess I am naïve, Donny,” I said standing up, using his undercover name.
“Once upon a time, I trusted you. I would have done anything for you. I loved
you with every ounce of my being, and you shit on me. You lied to me, and you just
keep on lying to me. I hate your fucking guts, and I wish to God you had really
died. I would rather live with the memory of who you were than knowing what
you’ve become.” I ran to my room like a defiant teenager and slammed the door. I
paced for hours as the tears rolled on in endless torrents. The longer the day
dragged, the more I became a desperate caged animal, tearing at my own hair and
raking my fingernails down my arms. By night fall, I was exhausted from the
path I’d worn on the floor. A knock on the bedroom door broke my sequence, and
I flung it open, still angry despite the incessant hours of pacing. “What?” I
yelled. Agent Mendiola stood in front of me. She looked me over as if
disappointed by the maniac I’d become. “What are you doing here?” I asked her.
And
who are you to judge me?

“I
wanted to make you aware that I have replaced Agent Cantrell, per your request,”
she said, coolly, looking down her nose with an air of superiority.

The
fury simmered in replacement by fear. Although I was angry, I didn’t feel
secure without Cade near me.  I didn’t believe for a second that he cared about
me, not personally, anymore, but somehow my instinct said he’d do his job and
keep me alive. “I didn’t request that he be replaced. I never told him that.
Where did he go?”

“He
is not far, Ma’am, but he felt you would be more comfortable with another agent
inside with you. Agent Roberts will be continuing on with me. If you require
anything, we’re out in the main room. There is food available in the kitchen if
you are hungry.”  She turned her robotic monotone off and left me alone. She
said Cade didn’t go far, but it might be another lie to mess with my head. He
didn’t want to be around me anymore, and that seemed to be the theme in our
relationship.

 I
hadn’t eaten anything since the night before, but I still didn’t want any food.
Depression, the dark beast I had struggled with after Cade’s death, came
reaching for me again. I curled up in the bed and went to sleep, hoping I would
never wake up again.

No
such luck. I woke in the middle of the night with Agent Mendiola by my side
while I thrashed around in the throes of a nightmare. “Wake up, Ellia, you are
dreaming,” said the agent shaking me roughly. The dream had been about Cade.
His brains splattered on the wall instead of Matt’s, and I knew I’d been
screaming his name. The tears fell down my face as I shook and perspired.

 “Where’s
Cade?” I sobbed, not fully awake or comprehending my whereabouts.

“Agent
Cantrell is downstairs, and he is fine.”

I
nodded my head. “Oh, yeah, Agent Cantrell, I forgot. I am sorry I woke you.” I
sniffled and grabbed a Kleenex to blow my nose. “The nightmare confused me for
a minute.”

“It
is understandable. You’ve been through a very difficult and stressful time. Do
you need anything?” she asked almost kindly, but not quite.

“No,”
I replied. “I just want to go back to sleep.” In truth, I was afraid to go back
to sleep for fear the dream would return. The episode embarrassed me,
especially since I’d been calling out for Cade. That man invaded my waking and
sleeping brain against my will all the time, and he had since I met him. Agent
Mendiola left me alone, and I lay in the dark room, staring up at the ceiling,
my mind perusing the dream that still haunted me. To steer my mind away from
the nightmare, I traveled back to my memories.

***

The
weekend after Thanksgiving had been the best of my seventeen years on the
earth. I watched Cade play again the second night but kept my distance from the
patrons. I didn’t sneak anymore drinks. By the time we got back to my dad’s
house, the clock had struck four in the morning.  We made love for a second stretch.
 

“Ellia,”
Cade whispered before we fell asleep, a worry in his voice. “We should be using
birth control. As much as I love you, a baby would not be a good thing for us
right now.”

“I
got on the pill awhile back, Cade; we’re covered,” I said, snuggling deeper
into him. “Do you think I am a slutty girl now?” I teased.  

He
rose up on an elbow to look me in the eye. The rising sun gave illumination to
the room. “Don’t ever say that, Ellia. I would never think that about you. You
are everything to me. Are you having regrets about this? We can’t put your
virginity back, but we don’t have to do it anymore if you’re not comfortable.”

I
giggled. “I was only kidding.  Believe me, I don’t want my virginity anymore.
You get to keep it forever. You are everything to me, too, Cade, and I love you
with every piece of my heart.”

“I
love you too, and I’d marry you today if we were old enough. I want to be with
you the rest of my life; that’s how much you mean to me.” He kissed me tenderly,
and I snuggled back into him. “I feel honored and proud to be the owner of your
virginity.”

“Ditto,”
I replied, kissing him in the hollow of his neck. We fell asleep intertwined
together.

The
next morning we slept until noon. We made love again that morning. I never
dreamed I could be so comfortable, not only with my own body, but someone
else’s as well. Everything seemed natural, normal, with Cade, like we were
built for each other. Happiness radiated from every inch of me, and I prayed it
would go on forever.

Cade
drove my truck back up north, and I fell asleep. I didn’t wake until we arrived
home. “We are here already?” I asked, yawning and stretching. “I guess I dozed
off, sorry.”

“It’s
okay, I like watching you sleep. You look so beautiful with drool running out
of your mouth,” he said with a laugh, and I swatted him playfully. We’d left
his motorcycle parked behind the school so my mother wouldn’t drive by and see
it. I’d drop his guitars off to him the next day.

“You
really need a car.” I shivered in the cold while he got on his bike. “It is
freezing out here, and it might snow soon. You cannot ride this thing in the
winter.”

“I
know; I am working on it.” He rubbed his hands together to warm them up before
putting on his black leather gloves. “Thanks for coming with me.” He took my
hand. “It will go down as the best weekend ever.” He gave me a wickedly
handsome smile accompanied by a mischievous wink. I smiled back, feeling the
same way. He pulled me into one last good-night hug, nuzzling my neck. “I love
you so much, Ellia.”

“I
love you too,” I said, kissing him again. “You should get home before it gets
dark. I will see you tomorrow.” After a final kiss, we parted ways.

The
next morning, Cade didn’t show up at school. I texted him relentlessly and left
several voice mails with no response. Fear gripped me as endless scenarios
played out in my head.
Is he sick? Is he hurt? Did he change his mind about
me and decide I am a slut? Did I piss him off in some way?  
I had no idea
what to make of his absence.  Finally, I cornered Jimmy for information.

“He’s
in the hospital, Ellia, geez didn’t anyone call you?” asked Jimmy, looking surprised.

“What?
No--nobody called me.  Is he okay? What happened?” The tears were already
blurring my vision.

“He
got in an accident last night. Some dumb ass didn’t see him and pulled out in
front of him. He is fine, though,” said Jimmy, reading my stricken expression.
“Cade’s a good driver and swerved the bike before they collided, but he did
dump it. He has a bunch of cuts and bruises, and his leg is broken. Other than
that, he’s not seriously hurt. They are supposed to release him today.”

I
didn’t wait to hear another word or bother to thank Jimmy for the information. I
got in my truck without stopping to sign out at the office and broke every
speed limit law in the county to get to the hospital. After a hasty park job, I
ran inside, pausing at the information desk to obtain a room number. The
elevator delivered me to the second floor where I sprinted down the hallway
like a code blue was issued. The door stood open, and an old man lay in the
first bed. A drawn curtain hung between the two, so I carefully walked in to
peek around, hoping they had not given me the wrong number. Cade’s black and blue
face smiled when he saw me. His cast covered leg rested on a pile of pillows.

“Hey,”
he said, still groggy. “There you are. I got worried when you didn’t come.”

The
crying came in earnest. “Cade, I’m so sorry; I didn’t know until just now. Nobody
told me. Oh my God, I could have lost you.” The idea broke me as the sobs took
hold. He pulled me down into a hug.

“Shh.
I’m fine, I swear,” he said, stroking my hair. “I asked my aunt to call you. My
cell phone got smashed when I landed on it.  I’ve been pretty foggy with the
pain meds they gave me, or I might’ve thought to use the hospital phone. Don’t
cry, Ellia. I really am fine.” He held me while we talked until the nurse and a
doctor arrived. I released myself from him and moved toward the window to make
room for the medical staff. I dried my eyes and blew my nose while the doctor
examined Cade.

“Well,
you are a lucky young man. Other than the leg, you fared pretty well. I am
going to let you go home, but you need to see Dr. Morley tomorrow about the
fracture. It’s policy for patients to follow up with an orthopedic doctor to ensure
proper setting and healing. The nurse has your appointment time for you and discharge
papers for you to sign, then you can get on out of here.” Cade thanked the
doctor who stopped and addressed me. “Is this your boyfriend?” he asked, and I
nodded. “Tell him to sell that bike before he gets himself killed. Those things
are nothing but death on wheels.” I nodded again, and the doctor winked at me before
leaving the room.

“Dr.
Stanly hates motorcycles,” said the nurse, pulling his rolling tray in front of
him and placing the discharge papers on it. She proceeded to go on with his
aftercare instructions and gave him a prescription for pain medication and
crutches. “Is your family coming to pick you up?” she asked sweetly. The young
nurse flirted with him, touching his arm, and smiling at him. Cade seemed
oblivious as usual, but I was happy for his release.

“I
called them, but they are both working and can’t come until after five. I can leave
with my girlfriend, though, right?” He gestured to me.

“Sure,
I don’t see why not. I will round up a wheel chair for you,” she said, and left
the room.

“They
couldn’t even leave work to come and get you, Cade? I swear those people are
such assholes.” Indignation sat on my words.

Cade
laughed. “It’s fine, I’d rather go with you, anyway, if you don’t mind.”

“Of
course I don’t mind. It just makes me so damn mad they didn’t call me. They can
never be there for you when you need them.” I sighed and sat on the edge of the
bed. “Even though your dad did some bad things, I wish you still had him and your
mom.  My heart just aches for you sometimes.” He looked despondent, and I teared
up again.

“I
miss them every day. I wish my dad would let me visit him in prison. It’s like
he has written me off or something. It hurts like hell, but I deal with it. Don’t
worry about me El, I have you and that’s all I need.”

“I
am sure your dad didn’t write you off, not like that. He is probably ashamed of
where he is and what he did to get there. He doesn’t want you to see him reduced
to being a prisoner.  But you do always have me; that part is very true. I love
you so much, and I freaked when I couldn’t reach you.” I hugged him again, and
he kissed my neck, sending electric shivers through my soul. The nurse walked
in and interrupted us.

“Sorry,”
she said and held up her hand as if to shield herself from our affections while
laughing. “I forgot to tell you that your clothes are in a bag in the closet,
but they are a mess from the accident. You didn’t by chance bring something for
him to wear did you?” she asked, addressing me.

“I
can run to your house and be back in a flash. Do you have a key?” I asked Cade.

“My
keys are still with my bike, but they keep a spare on the ledge above the door
in that flowered swag thingy. Are you sure you don’t mind?”  He seemed sleepy again.