Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (55 page)

"Nonna," I say with a laugh, "we've already eaten. Come sit down." She looks over at us with a sheepish smile, shutting the fridge before coming to stand across from us. The woman will not sit down, never has. She folds her hands together on top of the bar, waiting patiently for us to tell her our news. I take SarahBeth's hand in mine, raising them to my mouth to kiss the back of hers before turning back to my grandmother. "Nonna, we wanted to tell you that we're having a baby. We found out this afternoon that it's a girl."

She looks at us in shock, her mouth dropping open as she looks between us. "You're...what? A baby?" The smile on her face is huge, she looks so happy she's about to burst, just like I knew she would. Rushing over to where SarahBeth is sitting, she starts to place her hand on Sarah's stomach, stopping just above it and looking up at her, silently asking her permission. Sarah doesn't speak, she just grabs my grandmother's hand and presses it against her belly, letting my grandmother feel the evidence of the life growing inside her. When she removes her hand, she throws her arms around first SarahBeth, then me, hugging us both tightly, her excitement obvious.

"When's the baby due? How far along are you? Have you chosen a name?" Much like Lyric, my grandmother spits out questions faster than we can answer.

We all laugh before SarahBeth starts answering her questions, "She's due December 27
^th
, I'm eighteen weeks, and we have picked a name." She looks over at me, giving me the option of telling the name this time.

"Her name will be Amelia Grace. Grace was Sarah's mother's middle name, and Amelia is Italian," I explain.

Nonna's eyes mist with tears, "Oh nipote, what a wonderful name. It's beautiful." She continues asking SarahBeth questions, but I see Henry standing just outside the kitchen, so standing, I go over to him, wanting to find out what he heard.

Moving so that we're out of sight, I ask, "What are you doing?"

"So, having a baby?" He ignores my question, asking one of his own instead, still looking over at where she's talking to my grandmother, her hand resting on the bump under her shirt.

Sighing, I reply, "Yes, we're having a baby. Why are you standing over here eavesdropping?" Henry's never been cruel like my aunt, but he's never really been present either. It's always just seemed like he didn't care enough to stand up to her, to protect me.

"Your grandmother was loud, I didn't know what was going on so I came to check on her. I didn't intend to hear your news." He's making excuses, trying to explain away why he's lurking at doors.

Wanting to get back to Sarah, especially now that I know we aren't alone in the house, I ask him, "Are you the only one here?" I didn't see any cars, but I know my mother has been coming over some, and the last thing I need is for her to show her face.

"Yes, your aunt is still at work. Teresa was here first thing this morning causing problems, so your aunt won't be home until much later." He looks suddenly uncertain, and I tense waiting for the other shoe to drop. "Look, I know you hate us, and it's with good reason. We weren't there for you the way we should have been, and for that I'm sorry. You didn't deserve the way you were treated by us and I should have stood up to Connie more. I won't say anything to her if you don't want me to." He looks away. I should feel bad for him, but I just can't bring myself to care. He's apologizing, but it almost seems like too little too late. I know I'm not ready right now to forgive him.

Thanking him, I turn to head back to SarahBeth, when he says my name. "You're not going to tell Teresa are you? You know she can't find out...she'd only use it against you." 

"No. I don't want my mother to know anything about this. It doesn't concern her at all." Without looking at him, I head back over to SarahBeth, sitting beside her and covering one of her hands with mine. She doesn't stop her conversation, but raises an eyebrow at me, silently asking if I'm okay. Kissing the top of her head, I murmur softly, "I'm fine."

We visit with my grandmother a little longer, until it's obvious SarahBeth's getting tired, and by the time we arrive back at our apartment, she's fast asleep, her head resting against my shoulder. I try to wake her, but she just mutters non-sensical words, smacking my hand away as she sleeps. Finally, I take her in my arms, thankful someone is coming out the residence entrance as I walk up, holding it open so I can bring her inside. I get her up to the front door, but I have to put her on her feet in order to unlock it. She leans against me heavily, barely conscious until I'm able to pick her up once more. Shutting the door with my foot as I walk through, I take her into the bedroom, pulling off her shoes before getting rid of my own. I slide into bed beside her, holding her close while she sleeps, thinking about all the ways our lives are going to change in just a few short months, and all the things we still need to do in order to be ready for her.

Jeremy

T
he next few months pass quickly, the majority of our time spent getting things ready for Amelia. That doesn't mean that everything was easy, because it wasn't. Sarah and I got in a huge fight when I came home from work one evening to find her painting the second bedroom with Olivia and Lyric. She was adamant that she picked a paint that was safe for pregnant women, even though I'd offered more than once to pay people to paint. SarahBeth was determined to do everything herself. 

Our other big argument was over a crib. She wanted one that was less expensive, while I wanted one that would change into a toddler bed and then a twin bed as the baby gets older. She didn't like the idea of spending so much money when she isn't working, when she isn't contributing to our finances. It doesn't matter that I make more than enough to support the three of us, or that she has a trust fund left to her by her parents, she wanted to get a job. Luckily, I had David on my side for that one. We were both determined that she'd finish out fall semester, taking extra classes to ensure she'd be able to graduate early, which she did.

My mom was arrested in October for propositioning an undercover cop, and once she was in jail I paid her debts to ensure SarahBeth and our baby's safety. Not having that hanging over our heads was a huge relief. Teresa doesn't even know about the baby, although my aunt and uncle have apologized for the way things were handled when I was young. Constance wants to be a part of the baby's life, but we haven't made any decisions on that yet. Sarah wants to wait and see how things go until Amelia gets here before she lets my aunt be around her. I can't blame her, I'm not completely sure I trust anything my aunt says or does. But, babies do have a way of bringing people together, so anything is possible.

Thanksgiving was a mess. My grandmother, Constance and Henry, along with Lyric's sisters, her brother and her step-brothers all came to David's house. It's probably the biggest "family" dinner the house has ever seen. SarahBeth had a blast letting everyone feel her belly and having David and I spoil her rotten the entire day. She and Lyric helped my grandmother with the cooking, something we teased her relentlessly about - but, at least no one had to eat giblets this time.

By the time Christmas got here, SarahBeth was miserable. The baby was due two days after, but she was hoping she would come early. Like her mother, Amelia is taking her own sweet time, perfectly happy inside her mother's stomach...probably not wanting to miss all the Christmas cookies. At least, that's what I told SarahBeth. She threatened to make me sleep on the couch for that one. Note to self, the closer a woman gets to her due date, the more emotional she gets. The majority of her pregnancy, SarahBeth was heavy on the tears, but the closer she got to her due date, the more the anger started showing. By tonight, everyone is giving her a wide berth and hoping it's not too much longer or she may have no friends left!

Tonight is New Year's Eve, which is fitting since New Year's two years ago is when I decided to stop fighting my attraction to her, even though the night didn't end well. Everyone has converged on our apartment tonight because SarahBeth refused to leave the house, telling me that she wanted to rearrange Amelia's dresser and repack her bag for the hospital. Now, my much smaller apartment has David, Lyric, Livvie, Emmett, Wyatt and Peyton inside. The living room would be extremely crowded if all the girls hadn't converged in the nursery to ooh and ahh over the pink explosion.

All of us guys are sitting in the living room, all of them drinking, leaving me with water just in case. I want nothing more than a bottle of whiskey, but I don't want to be drunk if SarahBeth goes into labor. Meeting my daughter and smelling like the inside of a bar wouldn't be my best moment. The four of us are enjoying the silence when Lyric comes running into the room, her eyes wide. "Her water just broke! It's time!" David pales, and I'm sure I do too.

I rush into the nursery where SarahBeth's standing, bracing herself against the crib with a pained look on her face. She transfers her grip to my shirt when I reach her, looking up at me with fear in her eyes. "Jeremy, I'm scared. It hurts so bad." My heart breaks knowing that she's in pain, that I'm the one that's caused it. David has Lyric grab her bag while I carry her out to the car, sitting her in the back seat with Lyric while her brother rides up front with me. The others follow behind us and I'm thankful one of her friends wasn't drinking tonight either, because there's no way everyone would fit in my car.

Lyric's sitting beside her, stroking her hair and trying to keep her calm as I head for the hospital, looking back at her every time we stop at a light. Thankfully the hospital is less than ten minutes away so it doesn't take us long to get there. SarahBeth's admitted quickly, and soon we're in a room and waiting for a nurse to come in and check her. She had an appointment right after Christmas, but the doctor estimated we still had a while, talking about finger tip dilation and a whole bunch of other stuff I'm pretty sure I blocked out.

When the nurse finally enters, she introduces herself to us all as Manda, talking SarahBeth through everything she does to her. David leaves as soon as he realizes she's going to have to get undressed, going out to the waiting room where the rest of our little group is waiting. SarahBeth asked Lyric to be in the room back before Christmas, the two have gotten extremely close in the past few months which is crazy considering everything that happened. I'm grateful to her though, she's always there for Sarah, willing to help and never judging her choices.

"She's at three, almost four centimeters and eighty percent effaced." My face must look as confused as I feel, because Manda is quick to explain, "She needs to get to ten and a hundred percent before she can push." Turning back to SarahBeth, she asks how long she's been having contractions. She looks over at me before saying guiltily, "Since earlier this afternoon."

My mouth drops open and I stare at her in shock. "This
afternoon
? Why didn't you say anything? We could have been here earlier. Dammit, baby," I run a hand through my hair in exasperation, deflating when I see the fear in her eyes. "You should have said something instead of hurting alone."

"I'm sorry," she says, her eyes filling with tears. "I didn't want to worry you." I roll my eyes, a move she does often. She knows I don't want to be kept in the dark.

I don't get the chance to say anything else because the nurse clears her throat, "Are you planning on getting an epidural?" SarahBeth nods quickly, and Manda smiles at her. "Okay. I'll go put in the request, you try to breathe through the pain, all right?" She walks out, leaving the three of us in the room until David returns.

By the time SarahBeth's ready to push, I've decided we're never doing this again. The pain, the huge needle they stuck in her back...Amelia's going to be an only child. I can't go through this again. Even David looks terrified. Both Lyric and Sarah have tried to reassure us between the visits from the nurse and doctor to check progress, and the few minutes they've let her other friends come see her.

Now that it's finally time to push our daughter into the world, SarahBeth is gripping my hand so tightly I'm sure she's broken something. I never knew she had such a tight grip. Another contraction starts and Dr. Bailey says, "Okay, SarahBeth, push now, like you need to go to the bathroom." She counts through the contraction, and when it finally eases, SarahBeth lies back, breathing heavily.

"You're doing great, baby," I tell her, smoothing the hair from her face and kissing her lightly. 

She glares up at me, her eyes flashing with anger. "Easy for you to say, you're not the one going through this. This shit hurts." She very rarely curses, and I almost laugh at her use of the word, but one look at her face has me clamping my lips shut. I'd like to get out of here with my manhood intact.

"One last push SarahBeth. I can see the head. You're almost there!" SarahBeth starts pushing when the contraction begins and finally, we hear Amelia start to cry. Sarah slumps back against the pillows, gripping my shirt tightly in her hand and keeping me close. She only lets me go when Dr. Bailey motions for me to come over to where she holds a tiny little body in her hands. Looking down, I see my daughters dark eyes looking up at me. "Would you like to cut the cord?" she asks gently, handing me a pair of scissors and motioning to the spot she wants me to cut.