Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (54 page)

SarahBeth

I
've been waiting for today since I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't always happy about the fact that I was having a baby, but once I accepted it and knew that I was going to keep it, I wanted to know what it was going to be. Would I be buying blue onesies or pink ones? Personally, I'm hoping for pink - obviously, it's my favorite color - but I think Jeremy's hoping for a little boy. He keeps telling me that he doesn't care either way, but he
has
to care. Isn't gender something all parents-to-be argue about?

The Fourth of July party at my brother's was the day I decided to move in with Jeremy, something he didn't give me a chance to back out on. The party was on Friday, and he had the few possessions I have securely in his apartment by Sunday. I tried telling him we should wait until after my summer semester ended, but he wasn't having any of it. He was bound and determined that I was moving in and nothing would deter him. Now, I'm sitting at the apartment, I still can't bring myself to call it ours, even after living here for three weeks, waiting for him to come get me so we can go to my appointment.

As soon as he texts me to say that he's in the parking lot, I fly out the door and into the elevator, wanting to get to the office as soon as possible. The sooner I'm there, the sooner I'll be seeing my little peanut. The small bump that emerged on the fourth has turned into a definite belly now, still not huge, but definitely noticeable. I'm actually wearing the maternity shirt Livvie got me on our first shopping trip after I found out. Jeremy hasn't seen it yet, but I know it will make him laugh. Sure enough, when I get in the car and he reads the words on the shirt, he smirks at me.

"Sushi? Have a margarita? You weren't a big fan of either of those things before you got pregnant. I can't see you waiting anxiously to have them again." He shakes his head and waits for me to be buckled before pulling out of the lot. We arrive at the doctor's in record time and I bounce on my toes waiting for him to get out of the car and come around to meet me. He puts an arm around me, hugging me close as he says, "Calm down, baby. You'll know soon enough."

Soon enough? I scoff at him, rolling my eyes because I know it drives him crazy when I do it, and sure enough, he pinches my behind in retaliation causing me to squeal and try to cover my butt with my hands as I glare up at him. I try to move out from under his arm, but he grabs my hip in his hand, keeping me next to him. "You're so mean," I pout as he opens the door to let me go in first. We check in before finding seats to wait for my name to be called and this time I'm the one with all the nervous energy. I feel kind of bad for laughing at Jeremy's nervousness the first time he was here, because now here I am with my knees bouncing, unable to sit still.

It seems like forever, but it's probably really only about fifteen minutes, before they finally call us back. Jeremy takes my hand in his when I freeze, suddenly afraid to actually do this. Yeah, the heartbeat made the baby real...but this? There won't be any way to deny the fact that I'm carrying a little person inside me. A person that will be completely dependent on us for
everything
. I'm terrified I won't be able to live up to what he or she needs. Sensing my emotions, Jeremy presses a kiss to the top of my head before he says, "Come on, Little Bit. Everything will be fine, you're going to be an amazing mom."

His words relax me and I follow him into room with the ultrasound machine. The technician, who says her name is Angie, gestures towards the table, telling me to hop up and get comfortable. I lie down, gripping Jeremy's hand in mine as she lifts my shirt up enough to uncover my stomach, pushing the waistband of my shorts down underneath it as well. She grabs a bottle off the cart and holds it over my stomach. 

"This is probably going to be cold, so I'm telling you sorry in advance. It's a gel that will help the monitor pick up your little one." She squirts the gel on my stomach and I suck in a breath at just how cold it is. The technician smiles at me apologetically before picking up the remote control looking thing. "Ready?" she asks as she places it on my stomach. Jeremy and I both look towards the screen, seeing a whole bunch of stuff I can't decipher. There are lots of images on the screen, but I don't know what any of them mean at first.

It only takes a few minutes for the screen to sharpen, showing tiny little arms and legs moving about on the screen. That's our
baby
. My heart is beating at least as fast as the heartbeat now filling the room and I feel Jeremy's fingers tighten on mine as we watch our child moving on the screen. The technician points out fingers and toes, showing us the head and the heart, and printing out a few pictures for us. Then, she presses a button that switches the screen to where we can see the baby a little more clearly. She explains that this is a 3D ultrasound, one that will let us see the baby's features better.

She moves the wand along my stomach, stopping when the little face comes into focus. Tears are streaming down my face as I watch the baby's tiny thumb enter its mouth. It starts to suck and Jeremy leans forward, almost blocking my view as he stares entranced at the tiny person on the screen. Angie lets us watch for just a few minutes before asking if we want to know the sex. Jeremy looks down at me, letting me make the decision, his eyes red-rimmed and misty. "Yes," I tell her, not taking my eyes off of his, "we definitely want to know the sex."

Angie smiles before moving the wand around some more, and when she stops, she says, "Well, she isn't shy at all, is she?"

"She?" Jeremy asks, his voice full of wonder and hoarse like he's trying not to cry. The tech nods, pointing at the spot on the screen that shows us just what I'm carrying inside of me. No question about it, she's definitely all girl. His hand in mine starts to shake, and before the tech can say anything else, his mouth is on mine, his other hand cupping my cheek as he kisses me deeply. When he finally lifts his head, he stares right into my eyes and says, "I love you so much, SarahBeth. Thank you for giving me this."

I start to sob, hating these stupid pregnancy hormones as I do, I'm so tired of crying all the time. I kiss him back fiercely before telling him, "I love you more." He grins at me, a grin that says
you wish you did
, but he doesn't dispute me. We continue to stare at our little girl until the technician clears her throat.

"I'll print off a few more pictures so you can share, but I need to clean you off so you can go see the doctor." Just before she pulls the wand off my stomach, I hear a thump, a thump that I can actually feel against my stomach, the strongest kick I've felt yet, and it sounds like she just kicked the technician. Angie laughs before moving the monitor off of me, shaking her head before she says, "I guess she doesn't like being watched."

She hands us a couple of pictures, pictures that show her adorable little face, and one that says "Look mom and dad, I'm a girl!" which makes me laugh, before Jeremy helps me down off the table. The rest of the visit goes smoothly. Dr. Bailey tells us that everything on the ultrasound looks great, I'm measuring right where I'm supposed to, and she says that my next appointment will be the dreaded glucose test. Everything I've read says that the stuff they make you drink for that is awful, but most of the advice says that the orange is the least gross, so I tell her that's the one I want to take. She makes a note before sending us out to make the next appointment.

Jeremy

A girl. Holy shit, I'm going to have a daughter. Seeing her on the ultrasound screen was...I don't even know what it was. It made everything seem a little more real. The look on SarahBeth's face made it all worth it. Her expression as she watched our baby flip and suck her thumb was pure love, the perfect look for a mom to have. She's going to be the best mother, I only hope I can live up to her expectations. Talking a mile a minute as we head out to the car, she sends a text to David and Lyric, knowing they are waiting to hear what we're having. We decided this morning that instead of just telling them over the phone or text, we'd ask them to meet us somewhere for lunch. David agrees quickly, and we head to the restaurant SarahBeth picked.

We're the first to arrive, with David and Lyric arriving about five minutes after we're seated. Lyric's almost as excited as SarahBeth who is bursting at the seams to tell them. She manages to wait for the waitress to take our orders, but as soon as our drinks arrive, she stops trying to hold it in. "We're having a girl!" she exclaims, pushing the ultrasound pictures across the table for them to see.

Lyric traces a finger along the baby's cheek in the photo, an almost sad smile on her face. She quickly recovers, smiling brightly at SarahBeth and saying, "Congratulations! This is so exciting! What are you going to name her? Have you decided?"

Sarah looks over at me like she's asking permission to tell the name we picked. This is her brother and his girlfriend, hell, probably the woman he's going to marry. I wouldn't stop her from telling them. "We picked Amelia Grace. Amelia because it's Italian, and--"

David's voice is raspy when he interrupts her, "And Grace because it was mom's middle name."

"Yeah," SarahBeth whispers, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. Pulling her into me with the arm draped across her shoulders, I kiss the top of her head, murmuring soothing words to her.

Her brother reaches across the table, taking her hand in his and stroking his thumb across the top. "It's a beautiful name." He clears his throat, "Mom would have been so excited, so happy for you, Sarah. You're going to be such a good mom." At his words, SarahBeth moves out of my embrace, getting up from the table at the same time David does. He wraps his arms around her, holding her tightly and I can tell she's crying. Lyric's eyes are red as she watches them with me, putting her hand on top of mine and squeezing lightly. "Congrats daddy," she says in a soft voice.

My own throat feels tight when I say, "Thank you, Lyric. Thank you for everything you've done for her, for being there for her and helping her. I don't think she would have made it at first if it wasn't for you." I don't like thinking about how things were before, when SarahBeth first found out she was pregnant. Back when she was scared to tell me, afraid of my reaction and my feelings for her. I don't want her to ever feel that way again.

David releases SarahBeth, letting her sit back down beside me just as the waitress brings our lunch. SarahBeth and Lyric discuss baby furniture and layettes while he and I watch, having no idea what half the stuff they are talking about is. The rest of the meal passes quickly, and thankfully the girls talk enough that we don't have to say much else.

Once we're back in the car, it's time to go break the news to my grandmother. We haven't even told her about the pregnancy yet because SarahBeth has been anxious about her reaction. My grandmother loves her, possibly more than she loves me, so I'm not too worried. She twists her fingers in her lap all the way to my aunt's house, and when we pull into the driveway, I pull her into me, kissing her soundly so she forgets her worries. When I pull away, her cheeks are pink, her eyes are sparkling, and her breathing is just a little too fast. I love the fact that I affect her so much.

"Come on, Little Bit. Let's go tell Nonna she's going to be a great-grandmother in a few months." I hold my hand out to her, and she takes it, gripping it tightly as we knock on the door.

My grandmother answers a few seconds later, her smile wide as she sees us. "Nipote!" she exclaims, kissing my cheek. Then, she turns to SarahBeth, grasping her face in her hands and kissing her cheeks, "What are you two doing here? Do you not have work? School?" SarahBeth looks up at me, biting her lip in concern, not sure how to answer my grandmother's question.

"Hi Nonna," I bend to kiss her papery cheek, "can we come in? We have some news to tell you."

She smiles widely, "Oh, yes, of course. Come in, come in!" She walks into the house, leaving us to follow her into the kitchen. Gesturing for us to sit at the bar, she asks, "Are you hungry? Thirsty?" Flitting around the kitchen, she starts going through the fridge looking for something to make for us.