Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (49 page)

Jeremy

W
hy does this shit keep happening with us? Everything is fine; we're getting along, things seemed almost
normal
. Then, she jumps up, disappears into the bathroom, and everything changes. Those texts...
fuck
! They make me want to commit murder. Candace better be damn glad she's a woman. Otherwise I'd beat the ever-loving shit out of her. The bitch is crazy. That's the only explanation I have. I can't
believe
she sent text messages to SarahBeth...how did she even get her number?

Shit
. I was trying to text SarahBeth that night...trying to tell her I missed her, wanting to tell her I was sorry, that I loved her. Candace took my phone, offered to text her for me and read our message thread. She must've memorized the number and kept it so she could make my life a living hell, especially after I turned her down in her apartment, and left before I could make more bad decisions.

Sitting on the edge of my sofa, I run my hands through my hair, pulling on it to the point it's sticking up everywhere in complete disarray. I've got to figure out how to make things right, how to tell SarahBeth what I did...and make her understand that I wasn't able to go through with it. Hell, I was pretending Candace
was
SarahBeth, which makes it even worse. I was only using her to make me feel better.

A light knock on the door grabs my attention and I have to wonder who's knocking this late. It could be David, although he probably would have banged on the door, trying to break it down. I doubt Melanie would be coming over considering she knew I was inviting Sarah over tonight, and Tyler wouldn't knock so light either. The only other option is Candace, and I
really
hope it's not her. 

When I finally open the door, SarahBeth's tear-stained face is staring up at me. My heart clenches painfully at how sad she looks, and it takes everything in me to not pull her into my arms and beg her forgiveness. I can't do it though. Yeah, I've made a
lot
of fucking mistakes, but for her to believe I'd choose anyone over her, that I would do anything to jeopardize my relationship with her...I just can't.

"Can we talk?" she asks softly. Moving aside, I gesture for her to walk past me into my living room, and she takes a seat on the edge of the sofa, twisting her fingers together in a familiar way. Taking a seat in the chair instead of next to her, I wait for her to speak. SarahBeth takes a deep breath, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did about that night, and I should have told you about the text messages when I started getting them. I was just afraid of what they meant, and I didn't want to know if it was true."

I sigh, "Sarah, I
love
you. I don't know what Candace's deal is, but I do want to be honest with you." Wanting to be closer to her when I say what I need to say, I move over to sit beside her, taking her hands in mine before she hurts them with all the twisting she's doing. "A few weeks ago, after I found out that my mom had given your name to the assholes she owes money to, I felt like shit. I'd been staying away from you, hurting us both with the intention of keeping you safe, and then it turned out it was all for nothing. I couldn't do anything but see the hurt in your eyes every time I shut my own and I wanted to drown myself in liquor to forget. I had already decided I was going to do whatever it took to get you back, but I had no idea what I was going to do. I wasn't even sure if you would speak to me if I tried. I was just in a bad place. I went to a bar, and just started to drink...I even tried to text you that night, to tell you I missed you, but I couldn't get the words I wanted to say out. Candace was there. She saw me trying to text you and took my phone away, offering to text you for me. I told her no, that I didn't want her doing that, but she started going through the messages. I assume that's how she got your number."

Her eyes are on me, wide and fearful, and I know that what I'm about to say has the possibility of severing any hope we have of being together, but I'm through with secrets, with lies, with all of it. She'll be with me knowing the truth, or she'll walk away. "Dammit. I'm not proud of this Sarah, but I did kiss her. I was miserable and drunk, and I know it's no excuse, but all I could think about was you. She was just blonde enough for me to pretend she was you. I know that makes me the worst kind of asshole, but I needed you...I only wanted to be with you." Her eyes glisten with tears at my words, so I hurry to get the rest of it out. "I went back to her apartment with her, and when she touched me, I couldn't do it. I didn't want to be with her, and fuck SarahBeth, not even my dick wants anyone else. I left right away, hell; I called Tyler to come get me, ran out of the building and hid from her. I was sick over what I'd almost done. I don't even want to tell you about this...I don't want to ruin any chance we have, but I don't want to keep any more secrets from you."

"I
love
you. Do you get that? Is there any way for us to move forward from this? Baby, I promise I don't want anyone else but you." I'm begging, something I never thought I'd do for
any
woman, but for her I'd do anything. "You're everything I need...even when I shouldn't want you." SarahBeth covers her mouth with both hands, letting out a muffled sob before she throws herself at me, wrapping her arms around my neck and sobbing into my neck. The fact that she's even touching me shocks me at first, and I'm unable to move, but as she continues to cry, I wrap my arms around her, holding her tightly and murmuring soothing words into her hair.

Her sobs quiet and she pulls back to look at me. "So, you really didn't do anything with her? You didn't have sex with anyone else?" I shake my head, still feeling shitty because I did kiss her...I did let her touch me; I just didn't take the final step.

SarahBeth

He's staring at me, his eyes full of remorse, and I know I should be pissed about the fact that he kissed someone else, but I just can't. It's probably twisted, but the fact that he missed me enough to try to pretend someone else was me, even if it was
her
of all people, makes me feel better. Especially when he tells me that he couldn't even get it up, because right now I'm practically sitting on his lap, and it's definitely "up". That thought reminds me that I still have a confessions to make, and I know I need some distance from him in order to do that.

I move out of his arms, and he looks at me, "What? What's wrong?"

"I have something I need to tell you too." Oh God, how do I tell him? How do I say the words that are going to change everything for him the way they already have for me? "Jeremy..."

He scoots closer to me on the couch, cradling my face in his hands as he stares into my eyes, worried and not sure what I'm about to say. "What baby? What is it?"

"I'm..." I swallow hard, trying to swallow the sudden lump in my throat. My stomach feels like it's about to revolt, and I want to take it all back. I can't though. The time has come to tell him
everything
. "Jeremy, I'm pregnant." The words are barely a whisper. I thought I'd feel like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders after telling him, but I don't. If anything, I feel more weighed down, scared of what he's going to say, how he's going to react.

Jeremy freezes; his eyes are locked on mine and his hands begin to tremble. "You're what?" He looks horrified. My heart sinks into my stomach and as I wait for him to tell me to get out I start to pull away, but he doesn't let me. He moves his hands down to my shoulders, gripping them tightly and keeping me place. "Pregnant? Holy shit." He's reeling, completely lost as he tries to put the pieces together. Suddenly, he drops his hands and moves away from me, his eyes locked on my stomach. "If you're pregnant, that means you're at least two months along. Were you ever planning to tell me?"

There's so much hurt in his voice. I rush to reassure him, "Of course I was planning to tell you! I just..." My voice trails off because I know that if I tell him the reason I haven't told him yet, he's going to be even angrier.

"You just what Sarah?" He's upset now, glaring down at me as he moves away, putting more space between us. This reaction is so not what I expected. Well, okay, maybe it is a little. I knew he'd be upset, but I did plan on telling him. I just wanted to wait until I knew for sure that we were going to be together. I didn't want him to want me just because of a child. I don't know how to tell him that without making things worse. "Sarah Elizabeth," Jeremy starts, his voice tense. I cringe at the use of my full middle name; it feels more like a scolding from a parent than the guy I'm having a baby with.

"Fine!" I huff, knowing I'm going to have to just tell him. "I didn't tell you because I was afraid you would feel like you had to be with me. I didn't want to force you into it." Looking up at him, I can see the look in his eyes soften, going from anger to something that looks more like understanding. My voice is small and unsure when I tell him, "I wanted you to want to be with
me
. I wanted us to be together because you love me, not because we're having a child together. I'm sorry."

I wait for him to speak, but he doesn't. He just continues to look at me until I want to beg him to tell me what he's thinking. Finally, he exhales and says, "I can't believe you didn't tell me. SarahBeth, keeping secrets hasn't worked for us in the past. We can't have any kind of relationship if we're going to hide things from each other. I know you're scared, and I get why you kept it from me, but we can't keep repeating this crazy cycle."

We've gone about everything so wrong. Every time we try to get things right, we just mess it up more. "I'm sorry Jer. I'm really, really sorry."

"Come here, Little Bit," He says, pulling me back into his embrace, hugging me gently, like I'm so fragile I'll break if he's too rough. "I think we've both been sorry enough for one night, don't you?" I nod, my face pressed against his chest, listening to the beat of his heart. Tonight's been so stressful, between the eating, the making out, the fighting, and the confession, and it doesn't take long for his heartbeat to lull me to sleep. The last thing I feel is his chin resting on the top of my head.

Jeremy

S
he's sleeping so peacefully I can't bring myself to wake her. After crying herself to sleep in my arms, there was no way I was letting her leave me. As soon as I slipped into bed beside her, she curled into my side, her hand resting on my chest. It was the best night sleep I've had in two months, and it brought home just how fucking stupid I was to think I could leave her.

In the light of day, all of my concerns come rushing back. Last night was all about her, making sure she understood that I want
her
, that I want her with or without a baby. But today? Today all I can think about is my own failings. How can I possibly be a good father when I have no experience to base it off of? It's not like I had a father myself, and Henry was pretty fucking useless. He tolerated having me around, but he was never really there. Even David and SarahBeth's father wasn't a great role model. Yeah, he loved them both, but he was a hard man. He wasn't very affectionate, and he was more likely to criticize than praise.

Unable to spend any more time lying in bed next to her, not with all the shit going through my mind, I disentangle myself as gently as I can and get out of bed. Her small hand instantly searches for me, but she calms quickly, curling into a small ball in the middle of my bed. I stand beside it, watching her for a few minutes, unable to believe she's here, that after everything, all the crappy things I've done and the shit way I've treated her recently, she's able to forgive me. I'll never be able to make any of this up to her, but I'll spend the rest of my life trying to.

After a quick shower, I text David to let him know that I'm keeping her here with me for the day before calling my own employer to move things around, ensuring I can spend today taking care of her, talking everything out and making sure she understands I'm not going anywhere. After making my phone calls and drinking enough coffee to fully wake me up, I head back to the bedroom to find SarahBeth walking out of the bathroom, wearing nothing but the t-shirt I put on her after she fell asleep. She's still rumpled from sleep as I watch her pull the neck of the shirt up to her nose, closing her eyes and inhaling a deep breath as she does. She jumps when I chuckle, looking up at me, her cheeks turning pink as I walk over to her.