Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (29 page)

I run a hand through my hair, ashamed of the secrets I've been keeping and the lies I've told. When I don't immediately answer him, he asks again, "Damn it Jeremy,
how long
have you been fucking around with my sister?"

I'm pissed though, because I wouldn't call what we've been doing
fucking around
. My back stiffens at his tone and before I can think about it, I'm up in his face. "I haven't been
fucking around
with her at all. We've been seeing each other for about three weeks."

He's shouting at me now. "Seeing each other? Is that what you call it now? What the fuck Jer! We've been friends our entire lives, and you're going to fuck me over like this? Do you get how messed up that is?" We're almost nose-to-nose and I can tell he's angling for a fight.

"Back off D," I warn. Yes, we've gone behind his back, but not because either of us wants to fuck him over. We may have been friends our entire lives, but I fucking love her. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about."

David's eyes widen. "Yeah? And why's that
friend
? Why don't I know what I'm talking about? Oh yeah, that's right! Because you chose to keep this shit a secret. Did you think you were just going to be able to fuck my sister like you do every other girl you take to dinner?" He looks over at SarahBeth, causing me to look over too, her face goes pale at his words as she lifts a hand to her mouth, giving me a look that shows how terrified she is right now. I know it probably looks like she's terrified that's what this is to me, at least it looks like that to David because he's not thinking clearly, he's too pissed off, but I know that she's silently begging me to fix this.

Knowing she's scared right now makes me want to protect her at all costs. I clench my fists at my sides because hitting her brother right now would be the worst thing I can do. "I said
back off
David! I'm not going to tell you again."

He starts to taunt me, and I lose it. "I won't back off you sorry ass bastard. You're going to break her mother fucking heart and for what? So you can get a piece of ass? That's low Jeremy, fucking low, even for you." He barely gets the words out before I'm on him. He can talk all the shit he wants about me, but I'll be damned if he's going to tell me that I don't give a shit about his sister. She's
never
been just a piece of ass to me.

We go at each other, throwing punches and insults, neither of us paying any attention to SarahBeth. I can hear her crying in the background, but I'm too focused on making David pay for the things he said about her, about me, and about our relationship.

Olivia's brother Chris and our friend Tyler are suddenly next to us, trying to pull us apart and I have no idea how long we've been fighting. Their attempts at separating us quickly turn into them trying to avoid getting hit in the crossfire. We continue to beat the shit out of each other until more people are around us, pulling us apart.

It takes six fucking people to break up what has become a bare-knuckles brawl, and we're glaring at each other as we spit blood out of our mouths, both of us in obvious physical and emotional pain. Tyler's standing between us, and throwing his hands in the air to draw our attention to him, he asks, "What in the mother fucking hell is going on?"

David wipes his bloody mouth with the back of his hand, saying, "Ask that asshole what the fuck is going on. I'll bet you'll be just as thrilled as I am." David keeps his eyes on Tyler, avoiding looking at me, SarahBeth or Lyric.

Tyler raises an eyebrow at David's words before shrugging and looking over at me. "Well, mate, do you want to tell me what's going on? Or are we just going to go back and forth all night?"

I glare at him; it's really none of his business. "He's pissed because I'm seeing his sister..."

"No, I'm
pissed
because you're fucking my sister!" David interrupts.

That's it. "I'm not just fucking your sister you ignorant mother fucker! I'm in
love
with your sister! Get that through your thick fucking head!" I shout at him, tired of his bullshit. He's supposed to be my best friend, yet he thinks the absolute worst of me. He has no fucking idea how I feel about her, or how she feels about me. Yes we were wrong for keeping it from him, we should have told him as soon as we decided we were going to do this, and I'll forever regret that we didn't, but that's all we did wrong. SarahBeth and I have every right to be together and us not telling him doesn't give him the right to stand there and judge how I feel about his sister.

David doesn't even register what I've said; he's too pissed off. Soon, we're doing nothing but shouting insults back and forth, the situation rapidly deteriorating until Tyler finally yells, "Shut the fuck up you arseholes!" causing us both to stop and glare at him. "Right," he says, "you both need a breather. Jeremy, you can sleep on my couch tonight and the two of you can pick this up tomorrow."

"You can take Jeremy back to yours, but he's not coming back tomorrow unless it's to pick up his shit. I'll make sure it's in the mother fucking yard and he can drive by for it." My heart clenches at his words as I realize he's not going to get over this. He won't forgive me for going behind his back with his sister, and that means that this thing between SarahBeth and me... it's over. I won't put her in the position to choose between me, and the only family she really has left.

"David..." Chris starts to say something, but David cuts him off.

"No, fuck that Chris. What if it was Olivia? Would you want to be around him if you found out he was fucking
your
sister?" Chris doesn't say anything, obviously seeing his point. He turns to me a final time to say, "Don't fucking call me and don't come to the bar. Just stay the fuck away from me and my sister. Got it?" I want to argue with him, but what can I say? He's her brother, and I just; I can't be the one to tear them apart.

I follow Tyler to his car, neither of us saying anything at first. When we're on the road, and there's no way for me to get away, Tyler shakes his head and sighs. "Seriously mate? You were messing around with his sister for three weeks and didn't have the decency to tell him? That's cold, really cold."

"You don't know anything about it. We were planning to tell him tomorrow." My voice is resigned, numb. I've lost the only two people in the world I consider my family, and he's talking to me about how
cold
it was?

Tyler laughs mirthlessly. "You don't honestly think that telling him tomorrow would have yielded a different result do you? Fuck mate, if you want the truth, and I'm going to give it to you whether you want it or not, it's pretty bloody likely that even if you told him before it started, this would have ended the same way. SarahBeth's a fucking baby, and she's his little sister. You've not been a saint these past few years." He's quiet for a minute, letting what he said sink in before continuing, "We all knew you had a thing for her though. David too. He just didn't think you'd ever act on it."

I turn to face him as my mouth drops open. "What do you mean you all knew? David's known this entire time how I feel about her and didn't say anything?"

"You weren't exactly subtle, mate." Tyler shakes his head. "You've been giving that girl besotted puppy dog looks since she was barely legal. David was fucking relieved when you started dating that one girl, the one you were with for awhile, because he thought you were getting over her."

I don't respond, because the way things ended with Melanie is something else I'll always regret. I really did care about her, just not the way I've always cared for SarahBeth. She's always been the one I wanted; everyone else was just killing time. We don't talk anymore during the ride to Tyler's apartment. When we walk inside, he grabs a blanket and a pillow, shoving them into my arms with an apologetic look.

"Sorry mate, my couch fucking sucks. But, it's better than trying to find a hotel at this time of night." He slaps me on the shoulder. "Hopefully this will all blow over soon." He doesn't sound like he believes it, but I let it go, nodding at him before he heads to his room. He stops at the threshold before turning to look at me once more. "For what it's worth? I know what it's like to want someone you can't have. It bloody well sucks, and I wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone." Then, he walks into the bedroom and shuts the door behind him, leaving me alone with my thoughts and my many regrets.

SarahBeth

"S
arah Elizabeth Pearson!" I hear David yell as he slams the front door. I freeze at the top of the stairs. Shit! He sounds more pissed than I've ever heard him. Although, I will admit he's got plenty of reasons to be pissed at me. I start to back up because I'm not really sure I want to fight with him today. And if he's found out about the things I've done, I
know
I don't want to fight with him.

Unfortunately for me, while I've been debating what to do, my older brother has made it to the top of the stairs. The look he's giving me is terrifying. I've never seen him look this way. The only words I can think of to describe the amount of pain and anger in his eyes is distraught or haunted. I've been so focused on how I feel for the past four days that I haven't stopped to think about the other people my decisions affected. Obviously, I've thought about Jeremy, but David and what he and his now ex-girlfriend Lyric are going through hasn't registered at all. As if I didn't feel shitty enough.

"What the
fuck
did you do SarahBeth?" David can barely control the fury in his voice. His hands are balled into fists, and I can see them shaking. Up until this moment, I've never really been scared of my brother. But, then again, I've never had a reason to be.

Backing up further, so that I'm closer to my room, my voice is very small when I say, "That depends." Realistically I know that those words aren't going to make any of this better, but I'd really rather not own up to something that he knows nothing about and just make it worse.

"That depends? It fucking depends? Goddammit SarahBeth, I swear to God I don't know who the fuck you are anymore." His words rip me to shreds and tears fill my eyes, spilling down my cheeks, as I stand in the hallway, unable to get away from him. "Don't cry now. Do you know what the fuck you've done? The damage you and Jeremy have caused?"

I shake my head, denying all knowledge. Of course I know we've hurt everyone, hell we've hurt our selves. What does he want me to say? He steps closer to me, the hurt and anger so raw and evident on his face it is destroying me. "Lyric's gone." My eyes widen, and my knees go weak. What? What does that
mean
? Seeing my expression, he shakes his head, his shoulders slumping slightly. "She
left
. Lyric went back to Manhattan because of the things I said to her. She left because she thinks I hate her for keeping your secret. I was so fucking pissed at her SarahBeth, I said things I can never take back but you know what I found out today?" He looks me dead in the face.

Oh shit. He knows. I feel all the blood drain from my face. "Looks like you know exactly what I found out. What the fuck where you thinking, SarahBeth? You told her you'd convince me to break up with her if she told me what was going on? When did you become such a spoiled, manipulative little brat?" Every word he says just tears me apart more. The look on his face causes me physical pain, pain I know I deserve. I've made such a mess of everything. If I could go back, I'd do what Jeremy wanted, I'd tell David about our relationship as soon as we decided we were going to have one. He tried to warn me, but I was convinced I knew David best. I was absolutely certain that I knew what to do, that I was making the best choice. Thinking of how badly I have messed everything up, and why, makes me feel even more like a child trying to navigate in an adult world.

I open my mouth, trying to find something to say, but David holds up a hand, looking away from me. "Save it little sister. Right now, I don't want to hear anything you have to say. I don't want to look at you, I don't want to talk to you, I don't even want to be in the same
house
as you. I look at you, and I wonder what the fuck I did wrong. Mom would be so disappointed in you right now. I'm glad she's not here to see this. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go to fucking New York and apologize to Lyric for what you did, and what I did because of you." He leaves me standing in the hallway, barely holding myself together.

My brother hates me. I can't stand it. I can't take losing him too. I start to go after him, but knowing that he doesn't even want to
look
at me stops me in my tracks. Turning towards my room, I hurry inside, shutting the door and barely make it to my bed before my legs give out and the sobs start in earnest. I've destroyed everyone around me. I deserve to be this miserable, but it doesn't make any of it better. I wish Jeremy were here to hold me.