Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (15 page)

"What was that?" She pulls back, searching my eyes with her own frantic ones and I can feel her pulse pounding against my hand.

"It was just the door closing. Calm down Little Bit." I'm not sure why she's freaking out about this, it was just a door, but at my words, her eyes get wider and she starts pushing me away. Unhooking her ankles from around my waist, she's trying to get away from me, so I back away from her slowly, watching her straighten her dress and smooth her hair. "What's wrong?"

Her head jerks up and her gaze meets mine. There's fear in hers which I don't understand, but then she speaks. "What's wrong? Are you seriously asking me that? That could have been my
brother
Jeremy. Can you imagine what he would have done if he saw us out here like that?"

Any buzz I was still feeling disappears at that sobering thought. David seeing us together would be bad enough if he didn't know what was going on, but catching us with her legs around my waist and my hands all over her? That's the last thing I want to do to my closest friend. When she sees that I understand she sighs. "David can't know about us Jeremy. He wouldn't understand."

"SarahBeth," I start, not sure what she's trying to say. "If we're going to do this," I gesture between us, "then we need to tell him. We can't have a relationship and it be a secret. He'll find out eventually and then hate us for hiding it."

She shakes her head and I know I'm not going to like whatever she says next. "I don't want him to know. If we tell him that we're doing this? He'll go ballistic. David already hates the thought of me seeing anyone, let alone his best friend. I'm not saying a word, and you better not say anything either."

"So let me get this straight. You want this but you don't want anyone to know about me?" I have a hard time keeping my anger in check. I mean, what the fuck? I'm not going to be anyone's dirty little secret, not even hers. Backing away slowly, I put as much distance between us in this tiny little space as I can. Out of everyone in my life, SarahBeth is the last person I thought would ever want to hide me. The look on my face must give away my thoughts, because her face falls, and SarahBeth takes a step towards me. Holding out a hand to stop her, I shake my head this time. "Don't." I practically snarl the word, letting her hear both the hurt and the fury in my voice. She stops, clamping her mouth shut, her eyes swimming with sudden tears. Keeping as much distance between us as we can, I make my way over to the door, looking back at her one last time. "Don't worry SarahBeth, there's absolutely nothing to tell your brother. You and I?" I say as I gesture between us, "we are nothing." I don't stick around to hear her response, slamming the door behind me and going in search of Candace. If nothing else, I know I can lose myself in her for the night.

She's standing at the bar looking around, obviously searching for me when I get there. Smiling in relief Candace rubs a hand down my arm when I'm standing beside her. "I was wondering where you went." Giving me a questioning look, she waits for me to tell her where I was, but it's the last thing I want to talk about.

"It's not important. You wanna get out of here? I'm not feeling the bar scene right now." If she's going to keep asking fucking questions, I'll go home by myself and drink until I can't feel the pain anymore. Fuck. I don't want to go home either.

Luckily, she doesn't say anything else besides, "Your place or mine?" When I say hers, she nods, taking my hand in hers and leading me out of Drench. I spend the rest of the night trying to forget the look on SB's face when I told her we were nothing, knowing full well I don't believe it for a minute, but I wanted to hurt her the way she hurt me. Fucking Candy takes the edge off, but it doesn't do a damn thing for the regret that isn't sitting well in my gut. I pick up my phone at least half a dozen times to tell SarahBeth I'm sorry, but while I regret what I said, I don't regret why I said it. We can't be anything to each other if she wants to hide me. My entire life I've been made to feel like I'm second best, that I'm not good enough and I'll be damned if she's going to make me feel that way too. I'd end up hating her, and even as pissed as I am at her right this minute, I don't want to hate her.

SarahBeth

The door slams and I slump back against the wall. I knew when we came out here that something was going to happen, but I never imagined it would end like
this
. He didn't even give me a chance to explain. I know he thinks I want to hide him, but that's not really what it is. I just don't want my brother to go into overprotective asshole mode and cause problems. I know how he'd be. David would forbid us to see each other; he'd wreck the relationships the three of us have. For the past four years, it's basically been the three of us against everyone - my grandparents, Jeremy's aunt and uncle, lawyers, child services - and I don't want any of that to change.

Jeremy took it that I didn't want anyone to know we were together, but that's not true at all. If he was mine? I'd want everyone to know...except my brother. At least until I could feel him out and make sure he wouldn't go apeshit. Now I've just made a huge mess out of everything and I don't know where to begin to fix it. Lost in my thoughts, I barely register the fact that it's starting to drizzle, it's winter and I'm standing here without a coat. I'm going to end up soaking wet and sick if I don't get my rear end back inside. Slipping in the door, I'm still wondering who it was that opened the door earlier. The thought keeps me occupied the whole time I'm standing in line for the bathroom and while I'm trying to fix the damage my tears and Jeremy's kisses have done to my hair and makeup before going back out into the bar to talk to Livvie.

Before I can make it back to our table, a hand reaches out and grabs my arm. When I look at the owner, it's Wyatt. He pulls me close to him, leaning over much like Jeremy did earlier to whisper in my ear. "I saw you outside with that guy." My stomach clenches and I start to babble, trying to explain that it's not what he thinks, but he covers my mouth with his free hand, effectively cutting off my excuses. "It's fine, I get it. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me."

I practically sag in relief. No more wondering who it was that saw us and no more worrying that it will get back to my brother. If I'd known it was Wyatt, maybe I could have avoided what happened ten minutes ago. Wyatt slips his arm across my shoulders and pulls me into his side. "Come on, let's go back to the group. We can make them all think we were the ones making out." He waggles his eyebrows in a way that makes me unable to do anything but laugh before grinning down at me and leading me back over to where Livvie, Emmett and the rest of our friends are.

I can't keep myself from searching the room for Jeremy though. I know I should give him time to calm down, but I hate the thought that he's upset with me. After searching the room for at least the fifth time, Livvie whisper yells into my ear, "If you're looking for tall, dark, and completely pissed off...he left with the blonde he was all over earlier about ten minutes ago."

He left with
her
? Knowing he would touch me like he did that his mouth and his hands were all over me just before he left with someone else has my stomach in knots and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I can't believe he would do that to me. That he would leave with someone else just because he was upset with me makes me both angry as hell and sick to my stomach. Making up an excuse for why I need to leave, I head home to lick my wounds. I sit in the living room waiting up for Jeremy until finally I fall asleep on the couch with my knees drawn up to my chest.

I'm not sure if it's the sun shining through the living room windows or the sound of the front door shutting quietly that wakes me, but when Jeremy walks into the living room, he freezes, giving me a look that's full of guilt and regret. According to the cable box, it's after eleven and he's wearing last night's clothes, which means he was out all night. He not only left with her, he spent the night with her. Jeremy opens his mouth like he's going to say something, but this time I'm the one who holds up a hand to stop him.

"Don't try to tell me what happened. You made it quite clear last night that we are nothing to each other and never will be." Jeremy winces, but doesn't disagree with me which actually makes my chest hurt even more. We keep going around in circles and I'm so tired of it. I know he has to be too. If we keep on this way, we're going to end up hating each other and that's the absolute last thing I want. With a calmness I'm shocked I possess, I stand and meet his eyes. "I'm sorry Jeremy. Sorry for everything I said last night, and I get why you don't want anything to do with me. Maybe this would have ended differently if you'd let me explain, but you didn't. You made the choice to push me away, and I'm tired of the back and forth. I'm almost twenty-years-old and I've never given anyone a chance because I've been waiting for you to choose me. I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of being hurt and I'm tired of never being the one you choose."

Without saying another word, I walk past where he stands; his eyes squeezed shut and his hands balled into fists at his sides. He doesn't make a move to stop me, and for once I'm glad. When I get upstairs, I hurry to my bedroom, shutting the door as quietly as I can and locking it before I lean back against it. Hot tears roll down my cheeks as I mourn the loss of what could have been. If only I wasn't afraid, if I wasn't so worried about my brother and what he would think, how he would feel. My life is turning out nothing like I thought it would be and my heart breaks at the thought of not having Jeremy in it. I need some distance from him and a chance to move on from the feelings I've had for him for as long as I can remember.

Jeremy

T
he next morning, I wake up in a room that's all white walls and white bedding. My head is
pounding
and I have no clue where I am. Turning my head I see the blonde from last night sleeping beside me, her hand on my chest. It takes a few minutes for the events from last night to come rushing back and I'm equal parts disgusted with myself and angry with SarahBeth all over again.

Last night's events culminated in me making the worst choice possible. Going home with Candace was most definitely
not
part of my plan and now I have to figure out how to get out of here while avoiding a confrontation with her. Sliding out of bed, careful not to wake Candace, I search for my clothes, which I find scattered all over her apartment, I get dressed and leave quietly. I refuse to refer to it as sneaking out, even though really, that's exactly what it is.

When I walk inside the house, everything is quiet and I think I'm safe. When I walk through the living room, SarahBeth is on the couch, her knees pulled up to her chest, glaring at me. After a painful confrontation with her, I escape to the sanctuary of my bedroom. Shutting my bedroom door, I exhale a sigh of relief before heading straight for the bathroom to wash the stench of alcohol and Candace's perfume off my body. After a very long, very hot, thirty-minute shower, I finally feel a tiny bit better, and after throwing on an old pair of sweats and a t-shirt, I head to the kitchen to find something to eat.

David's sitting at the bar, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the paper when I walk in. He doesn't say anything at first, letting me grab my own coffee, coffee I wish I'd had last night. Maybe I would have been sober enough not to be a complete dick. Truth be told, I still feel a little hung-over, and setting the cup down on the counter, I put my head in my hands, massaging my temple and hoping this lingering headache will ease off with the caffeine.

"I'm going to guess you spent the night elsewhere?" David asks, even though he knows the answer. The smile in his voice his obvious, I don't have to look at him to see it, I can hear it.

I nod with a grimace; hang-overs and sudden movement are not a good combination. "Yeah, a girl I met last night at Drench." I remember SarahBeth's nickname for Candace, and it makes me smile even though I'm sure she hates me this morning. "SarahBeth didn't like her. Nicknamed her "boob job barbie" actually."