Everything I Shouldn't / Everything I Need (11 page)

"Because!" I shout. "I don't want to hear whatever it is you have to say. I already know what you're going to tell me. You love her, I need to get used to it. Blah, blah, blah." I'm so tired of the whole thing and still a little drunk, I feel the energy drain from my body. Taking a deep breath, the last words are barely a whisper, "Please just leave me alone."

Dropping his head down so his forehead is resting against mine, Jeremy releases a sigh. "I can't leave you alone. Don't you get that SarahBeth? No matter how hard I try, I can't stay away from you. You drive me
goddamn
crazy."

His quiet words make me gasp. That's the last thing I expect to hear from him. His eyes fly open at the noise and we're almost nose to nose, his mouth just a breath away from mine. Then, the most wonderful thing happens. His lips meet mine, gentle but firm. I moan against his mouth and he takes advantage, lightly touching his tongue to mine. As soon as they meet, his hands tangle in my hair, holding me still while he begins to ravage my mouth.

If someone asks me, I won't be able to explain why I did what I do next. I feel like I've been waiting my whole life for Jeremy to kiss me, and now that he is, my knees are weak. I grasp his forearms to hold myself up and he goes rigid. Jeremy tears his mouth away from mine, drops his hands to his sides and backs up slowly. His eyes are haunted and full of regret. The look on his face nearly kills me. I finally get what I want and he
regrets
it. Wiping a shaky hand across his mouth, he murmurs, "I'm sorry," before walking away from me, obviously horrified by what he's done. Tears start streaming down my face; I don't want him to see me upset. Well, maybe a part of me does, but a larger part doesn't want to give him the satisfaction. I run upstairs, lock my bedroom door and fling myself down onto my bed. Once I bury my face into my pillow, I let the sobs come. I cry until I have nothing left, finally falling asleep from exhaustion I am determined that Jeremy will never touch me again.

Jeremy

I
fucking
kissed
her. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't, that's the whole damn problem. I can't fucking believe she walked in on Melanie and me tonight. The one time I don't lock the door and she walks right in. SarahBeth never knocks before entering a room; I know this, and I still didn't consider what could happen.

As I pace back and forth in front of my bed while yanking at my hair I realize I can still fucking
taste
her. She tasted warm and sweet and fresh and it's a taste I could easily become addicted to. All I can think about is the feel of her body against mine; the trembling of her limbs as I held her hostage against the front door. She was so pissed when I picked her up from that party, and she became even more upset when she realized Melanie was with me. If I'd been thinking straight, I would have taken Mel home first, then went to get SarahBeth, but all I could think about was getting to her..

Dammit all to hell!
Sitting heavily on the end of my bed, I rest my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands. How the fuck do I explain what happened tonight to
Melanie
? I put my hands
and
mouth on someone who isn't her, and I did it only a few hours after being
inside
her. When SarahBeth is near, I can't concentrate on anyone else. It's so unfair to Mel, and I can't keep doing this to her. The only fair thing to do is to break it off with her.
Shit
.

The thoughts running through my head are so fucking jumbled up. I'm a complete asshole for bailing on SarahBeth, but kissing her was not part of my plan. My plan was to move on, to get over this infatuation I have with her. I care about Mel a lot, but I realized tonight that what I feel for her is
nothing
in comparison to how I feel about SarahBeth. I don't deserve either of them. I never really did.

After a fitful night's sleep, I get up earlier than normal to ensure I'm out of the house before she's up and around. I send a quick text to Melanie letting her know that I need to talk to her as well, even though I know she isn't awake either. She has to work tonight, so she'll sleep pretty late. I spent most of the night tossing and turning, trying to figure out what I was going to tell her because I can
not
tell her that I kissed SarahBeth. I can't risk her going to David and telling him about my error in judgment. But, I can't stay with Melanie, I may be crazy but I'm not "that" guy, I have to do the right thing where Mel is concerned

The rest of the day goes by in a blur, I can barely remember anyone I talked to or anything I did. Mel tried to meet up for lunch, but I gave her some stupid excuse about work and being unable to get away. I could tell by the tone of her voice that she knew something was off, but she didn't question me. I should have realized why, because when I get home, her car is sitting in the driveway. Her car is the only one here which means at least David and SB aren't home. Stealing myself for the upcoming conversation, I get out of my car and walk over to meet her.

Melanie reaches up to give me a quick kiss and I manage to turn my face just enough for her to hit my cheek instead. Hurt flashes quickly in her eyes before she steps back to study me. "Is everything okay, Jer?" she asks tentatively.

"Let's go inside," I say, putting a hand on the small of her back to guide her in. There's no way for me to answer that question without alarming her, and this isn't a conversation I want to have out here. We might live in an upscale neighborhood, but that just means there are more people listening for gossip and scandals.

As soon as we reach the entryway, Mel moves away, crossing her arms over her chest and giving me the same stare that she must give criminals in the courtroom. I can't help but wonder if it works as well on them as it's working on me, because I want to tell her everything then wait for her to condemn me. "What's going on, Jeremy? You're not acting like yourself." Mel's voice doesn't tremble. She's calm and collected while inside, I'm a wreck.

"Uh, why don't we go sit down, Mel," I offer, but she cuts me off.

"I'd really rather you just told me whatever it is you need to say. You've been avoiding my calls all day. Did I do something wrong?" Now her voice does tremble and her eyes fill with tears.
Shit
. The last thing I want to do is hurt Mel. I may not be in love with her, but we've been together for almost three years and I do care about her.

Rubbing a hand across the back of my neck, I meet her worried gaze. I hate the way she's looking at me. It's like she knows I'm getting ready to break her heart, but there's nothing I can do to stop this train we're both on. There's also no way I can do this without causing her pain. I sigh, "Mel, there's no easy way for me to say this..." Tears start trickling down her cheeks and if I could, I'd stop this whole conversation. "I care about you, so much, but I just, I can't be in a relationship with you anymore."

Her tears start falling faster, and I reach out to take her in my arms, hating that I'm the one causing her pain, but she jerks away from me. "Don't touch me, you asshole," she hisses.

"Mel, I'm
sorry
--"

She cuts me off with a bitter laugh, "You're sorry?
SORRY
?!? What exactly are you sorry for Jeremy?" Mel pokes me in the chest and I do nothing to stop her. Hell, I'd let her beat the shit out of me if it made her feel better. "Are you
sorry
that I've wasted almost three
years
on you? Are you
sorry
you didn't realize that you weren't committed to me earlier? Or are you
sorry
that you have the hots for a goddamn
CHILD
?!"

There isn't anything I can say in my own defense. I have absolutely no right to ask anything of her; I've never seen Melanie like this. Sure, we've had fights before, but it's never been like
this
. The only thing I can do is apologize, but obviously she doesn't want me to do that. I can't risk her telling David either though.
Fuck
. When did my life get so damn complicated?

Her tears are coming faster now and I feel like an even bigger ass. I never meant to hurt anyone, least of all Melanie. She deserves someone that can give her everything and I'm just not that person. I've belonged to someone else for a damn long time and no matter what I do, I can't get her out of my head, or my heart.

"Why wasn't I enough for you?" Mel asks, her voice breaking and her shoulders slumping with her sadness. "Was there ever a chance for us Jeremy?" She's looking up at me with an expression that begs me not to hurt her anymore and I'm torn. Do I lie to her in order to make her feel better, or do I tell her the truth and ensure she hates me.

I sigh, pulling her against my chest. She clutches my shirt in her hand, sobbing and soaking it with her tears as I awkwardly rub her back. I've never been good with emotions, or dealing with someone else's pain. SarahBeth is the only person I've ever been able to let my guard down with, but she's known me her entire life. Plus, she's SarahBeth, my Little Bit. Gathering every ounce of courage I have, I tell Melanie, "If I could love someone, you would definitely be the person I'd want to love." It sounds like the worst kind of cop out, and I hate myself for even saying the words. Mel starts to relax, and then once again, I ruin it when I continue, "I know you're pissed at me now, Mel, but please, don't do anything rash."

Jerking away from me, Melanie stares up at me with fury in her normally warm brown eyes. "Are you fucking
kidding
me right now?
Don't do anything rash
? Who talks like that?" She starts to pace, walking past me into the living room, her hands clenching and unclenching at her sides as she does. She's so mad right now that I can almost see the steam coming out of her ears, but before I can say anything, the front door opens and I hear decidedly feminine steps coming closer.

Fucking hell
. My luck just keeps getting worse and worse. As if breaking up with her wasn't awful enough, now she's going to be face to face with SarahBeth. The only thing I can hope for now is that SB doesn't come in here. Maybe the fact that we moved out of the entry way and into the living room just before she arrived will keep the two of them separated. But of course, SarahBeth walks right into the room wearing a bright yellow strapless sundress that shows off her sun-kissed skin and carrying bags from a trip to the mall.

Mel's eyes narrow and she stalks over towards her. "I hope you're happy," she says, pointing a finger at SB's chest.

SB stops dead in the middle of the room and her eyes widen when she sees Mel's tear-stained face. "Um, I'm sorry?" She looks between us both, her brow furrowing in confusion. "What's going on?"

"What's going on?" Mel laughs, but it's humorless. "You want to know what's going on? That's rich. I was hoping you could tell me!" Her voice rises as she speaks, and she looks a little scary. I can't blame SarahBeth for moving away from her slowly. It doesn't stop Mel though, she just follows her as she rages. "We've been together for
three years
, and suddenly, he tells me that we can't be together any longer." I didn't think it was possible, but SarahBeth's eyes get even wider. "I can't help but think that it has something to do with
you
, SarahBeth."

"I...I...." SarahBeth stutters, completely stunned. The bags she was carrying when she walked into the room have long since fallen to the floor as she tries to process what's going on here.

She looks to me for guidance and I shake my head before returning my attention to Mel. "Melanie, this has
nothing
to do with SarahBeth. I told you, I just don't want to be in a relationship right now." The excuse sounds lame even to my ears so I'm fairly certain that Melanie won't buy it either.

"Right, Jeremy.
Nothing
at all to do with her, huh?" Her eyes narrow as she holds my gaze, but I won't be the first to crack. I stare silently back at her, unwilling to acknowledge her concerns, until finally she huffs and turns away. "Whatever. I'm sure as hell not going to stand here and argue with you about it. I have more self-respect for myself than that." Then, turning to SarahBeth, she says, "If there truly isn't anything going on here, then I'm sorry for bringing you into our argument. Somehow though, I really doubt that that's the case." With those words, she gives me one last glare before leaving the room and slamming the front door behind her.

Neither SarahBeth nor I move until we hear the gravel under her tires as she drives away. "Well, that was painful." SB comments wryly.

"Yeah," I say, trying for humor, though it falls flat. "Sorry you had to walk in on that Little Bit."

She flinches at the nickname before shrugging, "Well, I mean, she did kind of have a reason to be upset with both of us. As much as I'd like to pretend it didn't happen, you did kiss me last night." A blush races across her cheeks as she says the words, and my cock stirs at the site.
Down boy
, I think. The last thing either of us needs is a repeat of the night before. I don't want to give SarahBeth the wrong idea.